Bridezillas: The Attack of the Sea Cow

Bridezillas seems like a show where I can finally learn what true love is all about. From the romantic storylines of how the couples met to the all-out yelling fits in bridal gowns, this is love without the glitz and glamour of a Hollywood production and something I can look forward to in years to come.

The show begins with a montage of very angry women being bleeped out every other word. For at least a minute I think I may have tuned into Jerry Springer, but then I see all the veils and the diamond icons covering the ladies foul mouths and I’m reassured it’s Bridezillas.

The amount of foul language and anger that occurs on what is supposed to be the happiest of days is shocking. But then, I’ve never been married, so this may be one of those coming-of-age things that no one ever tells you about until the reality TV came about and exposed the truth. If I am supposed to become a fire-breathing-raging-crying-hormonal-sleep-deprived-food-deprived-raving-lunatic-bride, I’m never getting married.

We start of in Gonzales Lousiana, the jambalaya capital of the world! Here we meet Erica a delicate flower of a lady who during her intro screams “What!” repeatedly at her fiancée on the couch.  The true Louisiana lady is 25 years old and works at the department of corrections, where she is tasked with yelling at people until they submit.

Erica’s southern gentleman, Will, is also 25 years old and works at the Department of Transportation.  This fine specimen admits to the crew that their relationship was an accident; Will friended her on Facebook thinking that she was someone else. Nothing says true love like a case of mistaken identity.

Further evidence of their love is seen in their admittance that their relationship is “dysfunctional” and when Erica swats Will away with her ginormous bear claw and tells him to “move yo stupid ass!” Sigh. I wish I were engaged to the man of my dreams that thought I was someone else on Facebook.

Like all neurotic lady brides, Erica has been planning her wedding for over a year and is STILL not “ where she thought she would be right now,” as she carefully paints ungodly designs on a white umbrella.  This isn’t a fairytale Erica.  You’re prince was not out looking for you and those umbrellas aren’t going to paint themselves.

Then our princess lets us know in the most polite way possible that “When things don’t go my way, someone gonna get cussed out!” Erica is a true diamond in the rough with her “cuss outs” so vibrant that you cannot make out any of the words due to bleeping.  That takes talent and finesse of the English language.

In a fit of wild passionate love, Princess Erica hits her husband-to-be and throw her mother out of her bridal suite. If only I could toss my loved ones aside with such reckless abandon and pure rage.

Four days before the wedding, the happy couple sits down to come up with the program. Princess has lost her cool and sits on the couch looking angry with her lower lip hanging out while her Southern gentleman desperately tries to figure out why she is mad at him.

Apparently Will has violated the number one rule in Bridezilla-Town: Only let the Bride make decisions. If you try to help her in any way, she will eat you.

Sadly, Will’s surprise for the programs has gone sour because Erica cannot buh-lieve her fiancée would have the balls to plan a miniscule part of her day. She commences in yelling at him in increasing increments of loud as her eyes roll around and pop out of her head and her face turns red and sweaty, like a Looney Tunes character that just ate a Habanero Chile.

In logical response to Erica tearing up his list of songs, Will breaks her phone and confiscates her laptop. But Erica don’t care, “I’ll just use his money to buy another one. I need a new phone anyway.” Why are these people getting married??? Their meeting was a mistake and they cannot stand each other!

But True Love prevails and the wedding must go on.

Before we can know how things work out for Erica, we meet another Bridezilla, Krystal. At first glance, Krystal seems normal, she’s 26 years old, she lives in Clearwater Florida, and she’s a graduate student. She is head over heels in love with a 30 year old man named Scott who wooed her by drinking an entire pitcher of beer and throwing up in the bushes, on their first date. Nothing is more of a turn on to the ladies than the sweet scent of fresh vomit. What better way to end the night than with a good night kiss with a hint of regurgitated Big Mac and beer?

This love goes both ways; Scott knew that Krystal was the one when she puked out the side of his truck. These two were definitely made for one another. I hope they live a long and happy life, giving each other vomit kisses.

But it isn’t all sweet puke-scented whispers and wild drunken nights for these two, Krystal is plagued with lazy bridesmaids, who according to the footage, only sit and stare blankly at her while drinking champagne. Not to worry, Krystal is an astute businesswoman who has decided to replace the maids. Sure three of them are related to her, two she has known since kindergarten and another is her cousin with downs syndrome, but they weren’t fucking helping and Krystal said “Uh-uh! Not on my day!”

Krystal will do anything she has to do to make sure that “this wedding goes perfect”, although it doesn’t really matter because she will have other weddings in the future when she realizes vomit is not the tie that binds.

According to Krystal, “Being a Bridezilla isn’t a bad thing. It just means that you are a smart opinionated woman who knows what you want.” No Krystal, it means that you are a dumb alcoholic who chose another alcoholic to get married to so that you guys can hold each other’s hair back when you vomit your life out into the toilet of your roach-infested studio apartment and then have crazy-gross post-vomit sex. THAT’S why you were chosen for the show.

From the get-go this easy-going peach has been having some scuffles with her hubby-to-be. Scott wanted a small private wedding and Krystal wanted a big wedding because she really wanted “chairs and walkways.” She didn’t want her whole family to come out of the backwoods for the event. She wanted furniture. The mere thought that Scott does not want furniture at the wedding sends poor Krystal through the roof!

Now they’re fighting over everything, his clothes, his facial hair, his band that is coming to play at the wedding. I can’t believe I’m going to side with Krystal on this, but just from the 5-second clip of his band playing, I can already tell that if the band actually plays, this wedding is going to be a disaster.

And we’re back to Erica. Thank god! I was starting to get worried that we would never find out how her big day went. But we’re still not to her big day. We have the privilege of seeing footage from Erica’s Bachelorette party at a male strip club.

Erica and her bridesmaids look like a set of Hungry Hungry Hippos as they throw money at the men and salivate like Pavlov’s dogs. From the looks of their crew, it seems as if they haven’t had man meat in years or ever.

Things get “interestin’” when Erica is called up to the stage for her private-public lap dance.  I think I don’t understand how lap dances work because the stripper lifted Erica up and started mime-doing her from behind.  This was truly a miraculous feat because Erica is a gargantuan woman who is maybe a hair smaller than a semi. I’m convinced he’s Hercules, there’s no way a real man could’ve moved that amount of weight.

After such a to-do with the lap dance, Erica cools off by polishing off an entire bottle of champagne, like any proper lady would do. The champagne invigorates her at first, as evidenced by the countless hours of booty shaking, but then she looses steam and tips over like a great Redwood being felled in the forest.

To resuscitate Manatee Erica, her mother lovingly blows smoke in her face. What a supportive family with strong moral values!

Next we see Erica freaking out over her arts-and-crafts-party-favor-feather-umbrellas-that-everyone-will-conveniently-“forget”-to take-home because nobody is “helpin her with nuttin!” Her maid of honor, Chrishana, has thoroughly disappointed Erica by having her grandfather go and die and make it difficult for her to help Erica glue tacky feather boas onto 99 cent store umbrellas. And a grandfather’s death is NO EXCUSE for missing tacky arts and crafts time! This is HER DAY!!

Thank goodness Erica had the good sense to choose a second maid of honor just in case the first one wouldn’t properly pamper her. But when maid of honor 2 fails to meet Erica’s high expectations because she has a job, Erica breaks down. And rightfully so; umbrellas are stressful.

Now for Krystal’s favorite part of her big day: Choosing the alcohol! For a boozehound like her, this is the most difficult decision of her life. The greatest part is that she doesn’t want to spend more than $100 on booze for her gigantic wedding. So she buys a shitload of Popov and PBR. Classy.

My head is starting to spin with all the cut backs to each bride. Erica is upset yet again. This time, she can’t handle the fact that her sister Jamika is in school while she needs all the help she can get making her tacky umbrellas. To show her severe distaste in her sister’s studies, Erica throws her sister’s backpack in the trash. If Erica can’t get a GED, NO ONE can!

Big Momma finally steps in because she can’t stand seeing the two sisters fight, plus they were interrupting her TV stories. After much yelling and sass-finger waggling, they come to the compromise that Jamika will work on the shitty party favors for one hour before going back to her homework. Once the Bridezilla gets what she wants, she retreats back to her cave because “she tired”.

Once she’s fully rested the behemoth Erica is ready to start a new day of yelling. Today her target is the church. She cannot buh-lieve that the church wants to charge her $100 to get married. To make sure we understand the breadth of her disbelief, the brilliant editors cut from angry sasquatch Erica to her bewildered momma in the backseat, to furious soft pretzel-eating Erica to the deer-in-headlights momma, back to boobs crushing the steering wheel Erica and once again to momma-taking-up-the-entire-backseat.

As if life couldn’t get any harder for Erica, it does. Her family shows up 45 minutes late for the rehearsal and Erica’s already swollen face swells twofold with the new onset of tears.  All she wants is the perfect day people, and all she’s been getting is her nights, days and tacky party favors ruined.

Like any mature 25 year old, Erica refuses to participate in the rehearsal and locks herself in the bathroom so that her face can continue swelling.

Back to Klassy Krystal, who is auditioning new girls to be her bridesmaids since she made the executive decision to cut the whole team.  Here are the requirements Krystal asks of her new bridesmaids: you have to treat Krystal right, you have to know how to have a good time, you have to do something a little crazy at the bachelorette party and if you throw up on her, you get bonus points.

At the bachelorette party, her friends do her the service of getting her an extra sexy fat stripper to dance for her. She said that just looking at him made her want to throw up, which means according to her rules of attraction, she was madly in love.

Finally my sweet princess is back with her special day and she is about to mess some people up in this bitch! Erica starts her Bull Elephant rampage with a screaming fit at her favorite target, sister Jamika, she then moves on to the shoes that didn’t arrive with the junior bridesmaid’s dress. She just didn’t understand how the shoes got separated from the dress and begins to leak from her eyes while screaming at anyone that manages to be unlucky enough to stand in front of her.

They then find the shoes on the chair next to her.

The rampage continues with a sass-off-near-fist-fight-with-her-own-momma disagreement about the placement of her tacky tiara-veil combo.

Before we can see Erica stampede through the entire wedding party, we move on to Krystal’s white-people-drinking problems.

During Krystal’s drinking binge, she runs into her old flame, a boyfriend she turned major gay with her delicate feminine wiles.  She reminisces about the times when she used to “s” his “d” and one time when he got her “real good in the back,” foreshadowing of his gay days to come.

They then get the brilliant idea of trying on one of the bridesmaid’s dresses in the gay club. Can you guess what disaster might happen in this scenario? If you guess stained dress, you are correct! With all the gay bumpin’ and gay grindin’, drinks were spilled and now Krystal’s perfect day is ruined.

Then Krystal gets into an all-out bitch fight with her old gay fling Nick and is “125% not happy”.  That’s a high percentage of “not happiness”.

The storm clouds have parted and now things are starting to come together in Erica’s wedding. People are taking pictures and smiling for the first time in the episode, until her tiara falls in her face and shit hits the fan.

Somehow, this brave princess powers through the disasters and manages to say her I do’s.

But whatever will happen at Krystal’s white trash wedding? We won’t find out until next week. How am I supposed to sleep when I don’t know whether or not Krystal will make it to the wedding?

Damn You WE TV for ladies!