Blink and you’ll miss it.
And no, I’m not talking about my post. I’m talking about the so-called talent on display by our six remaining guys. but we’ll get to that later.
L.C. is here! Oh, tweezerman. If you just could have sucked it up and stuck it out, look at what your reward would have been. The dating game with your Hills heroine! You could have shared your secret to the perfect eyebrow, talked about boys together and ended the day with a shopping spree on Robertson Blvd! Ah, what could have been…but it wasn’t meant to be. Sigh. Well, he can watch her from home and gaze at her as lovingly as the camera does as it follows her exit from Brody’s sports car, flipping her hair like true reality pro.
After last week’s tear-fest that all the Sham Wows in the world couldn’t soak up, we meet our boys for a little more Q&A, Dating Game style. Brody puts L.C. behind a beef curtain, oops, I mean white screen, so the contestants can’t see who their prize might be. She asks them a series of questions and their answers are predictable and yet, enlightening. We start off with some softball perfect date questions that Alex handles nicely and then brainiac Jered decides to feed her some “bullsh*t so he can win” lines about not caring one way or another about one night stands. Ho hum. Neuter Boy, our self professed comedian, can’t even come up with a cheesy pick-up line, so it’s up to Bahston Luke to deliver the goods; “You wanna go halves……….on a baby?” Luke, Luke, Luke. I haven’t heard that one before and I hope that I never hear it again.
Enter Gary, who is NOT gay. L.C. asks him to name three things that make him a good boyfriend. He lists his honesty, the fact that he loves to go shopping and likes to cuddle. With boys. Okay, he left that part out but I think that if I spent too much time around this guy my hymen would grow back.
Femi, never one to miss a diss oppurtunity, tells L.C. that if she went on a date with Neuter Boy to remember not to wear heels (get it?! He’s short!) and ear muffs to drown out the bad jokes. Somebody knows how to make friends!
Alex continues to say all the right things while Jered keeps putting his foot in his mouth. How hard is it to name three things you look for in a girl and leave out the part about their ass? Super hard, when you left your brain in coach on the way to L.A.
Next comes an instant classic line from our VERY straight friend Gary. Prompted by Femi comparing himself to yet another animal (was he raised on animal crackers, or what? Naw, I think I’ll stick with brain damage from all those schoolyard beatings), the guys are asked to declare what animal they would compare themselves most closely to. Gary thinks very hard and comes up with “an elephant, designed and ridden by kings.” Who agrees with me and thinks that this particular animal was designed by queens? Me thinks Gary just outed his self.
Alex wins, of course but not before Jered gets all pissy because he was the only one who was being honest. Come on, dude! You can’t have it both ways. What is it? Are you feeding her bull or are you being “real?” I think he’s like those people who contradict themselves because they can’t remember what they’ve said from one minute to the next, or what I like to call “Happy Hour.” But every hour is happy hour when you act like Foster Brooks when you are completely sober.
Our L.C. comes out from behind the screen to meet the boys and they all have appropriate responses to her hotness, with a lot of eyeballs a poppin’ and Luke even calls her “Babezilla.” Gary’s response, in keeping with his unbridled heterosexuality, says she has on the best looking heels he’s ever seen.
Do those come in size 11?
Alex, L.C. and Brody……….what? Why is Brody there? To cock-block his future friend, of course. It seems our Alpha male hasn’t quite gotten over his romantic feelings for her. Anyway, they go off to the patio to enjoy Mimosas and strawberries on the penthouse patio and I delight in the witty Nick and Nora-esque banter between Brody and his former flame. Is it just me, or can we all agree that Brody and L.C. broke in that king sized bed after the cameras turned off.
L.C.’s weave inspired by Asta.
I’m not sure if this next scene is for the girls watching or the boys. This show has me so confused. Am I straight? Am I gay? If this is what boys are like should I join the Rachel Maddow fan club right now? Somebody help me. No, not you, hangers-on. Here they come anyway, serving their purpose by giving us a gratuitous half naked shot of our hero. Otherwise, just showing him showering would be wrong, right? So Frankie and Sleazy T come barging into the bathroom to ask why he called them over (stare and dream, boys, stare and dream). He tells them that there has been a change of plans and to cancel that night’s barbecue. He has humiliation in mind, and it doesn’t involve K.C. Masterpiece. And here it is, Brody in the shower, complete with smooth jazz soundtrack. Sorry it’s not a video folks but I’m told that this is a clean site, so no Skinimax moments for us.
Can we come in?
Who is producing this show? Peter North? Oh wait! How could I forget?! It’s Ryan Seacrest! That explains a lot. After bringing us “keeping up with the Kardashians” and “Denise Richards, colon, It’s Complicated,” he was dying to get his hands on some material he could really sink his teeth into. You almost had me fooled, little stinker. Now hop back up in your tree and make me some cookies, mmmmmkay? Twunty’s working up an appetite here.
It is time, once again, for the boys to receive their challenge, but why does Neuter Boy’s mouth look like a blowfish? I seem to recall him running down the stairs with a toothbrush. He was brushing his teeth and left the toothpaste in his mouth? Maybe he’s practicing for the “spit, don’t swallow” contest next week. I’ll be rooting for you!
So, the challenge is to come up with an activity for everyone to enjoy, that also displays your personality so Brody can get a better idea of what you are all about. Show and Tell, by way of “One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest.” All the guys are excited to show off their own special talent, and spread all over the house to set up the day’s entertainment. You can pretty much tell what everyone is up to except for Femi. He looks a little lost and I can’t wait to see what brand of crazy he will bring to the table. You can pretty much guarantee that it will involve animals, a whole zoo of them, I hope.
First up is Luke who designs a mini putt-putt golf course. Super tiny, complete with a stick figure with a black bag over its head and a blow-up doll face. The theme of the course is their experiences on the show so far and it works, I guess but is nothing spectacular. The best thing about it was the Poltergeist reference he made while he was digging the holes. “They just moved the headstones!” Does he know something we don’t? Is Brody’s face going to be torn off in front of a mirror? Is the portal to hell in one of their closets? Watch out, Gary. Better to just come out now.
For Jered’s activity, we have a slip-n-slide that is about 27 feet too short. The only purpose of this slide is to injure the slider, as we are now treated to a montage of head wounds. Neuter Boy decides to go head first.
Alex picks music for his talent/activity and isn’t he proving to be the most canny of the bunch today? Brody eats it up and plays the drums like the retarded kid that your church lets play at the early service before most of the parishoners arrive. Too obscure? Then trust me, I’ve seen it and it ain’t pretty. And what was with the shades and pastel madras sport coat? Jimmy Buffet you are not.
It’s the Blues Brothers by way of Key West.
Here comes the good stuff. Gary, wait for it…………decides to teach everybody how to dance! Gary, I love you. This is the best part of the show and to give you an idea why, Brody described it as some “Napolean Dynamite shit.” His moves don’t totally suck and everybody gets into it except for Jered, who does some lame ‘brush your shoulders off’ Jay-Z crap. Alpha dog is not happy. Show some effort! Gary pirouetted into a wall for you!
Next up is Neuter Boy. Two words, epic fail. If he ever wants to make it in the world of stand-up he needs to stop with the self deprecating Philippino jokes and lose the nice guy approach. He was surrounded by guys who were begging to be roasted (Broasted?) and he passed up jokes that basically write themselves. The guys throw popcorn at him and Femi, as usual, picks on him. I am actually feeling sorry for him. It was painful to watch. I can only imagine the shame he is feeling as his dreams of getting comedic work by way of this show go swirling down the toilet. I was glad when it was over.
Instead of not spitting and swallowing, just try not to suck in the first place.
Last, and certainly least, is Femi. He has decided to give everbody style points based on, you guessed it, animals. Do they confiscate crack pipes before they let you into the house? Just wondering. None of this makes any sense and he knows it. There is a nice shot of his pit stains and I’d offer him a Sham Wow but we used them all up last week on his crying ass. He is feeling the failure so goes for the desperate measure- a tattoo. Just like Brody has, same spot, same font, same theme.
Can you make the ‘o’ in Brody’s a heart, and dot the ‘i’ in Bitch with a smiley face?
Is this guy not a bottomless pit of neediness? The rest of the guys call him out on the obvious suck-up move and he goes all, “I’ve been in jail, you don’t know what I’ve been through!! Aaarrrrrgh!!!” on them. Like a tiger in a cage, fellas! I hate that he pulled out the “feel sorry for me” card. Screaming at people that they don’t know you and how dare you judge me, only makes sense if you have made ANY EFFORT AT ALL to get to know anyone else in the house. Next time remember your meds, dude, and laeve the PCP at home.
It’s elimination time again and everybody assumes that Femi is going home. Don’t you people watch reality TV? They never send home the crazy until someone gets glass in their cereal or gets shivved in their bed at night. It’s half the reason people watch. The other half being Brody shower scenes.
They are in a Mexican restaurant squashed around a table, and one by one we are told who is safe until we are down to Jered and Gary. Brody makes them put on ugly collarless shirts and tells them that they are “going to settle this like men.” Poor Gary looks at Jered and hopes that this means a dance-off and not a beat-down. They get taken out back and blindfolded by the hangers-on and we get treated to the first ever:
Firing Squad of Gay.
The guys are told that the loser will be hit with paintballs, and we get a close up of orange gunk hitting Jered’s chest. So big dummy gets to go back home where one day he’ll turn up in one of those weird news stories where he tries to arrest somebody and ends up in the trunk of his own police car. Good luck, big guy! Here’s hoping you pass the police exam on your 459th try!
Til next week, Gasmii, where we get to go camping with the boys! Alligators, primal screams! I can’t wait for the tears around the campfire. Love and Kisses, Twunty