Bromance: The Banalest of Finales

First of all, I hope that everyone got their free Denny’s Grand Slam breakfast on Tuesday. I was still nursing my super sized Super Bowl hangover and didn’t want to wait in line for hours just to throw up on some poor waitress who probably wasn’t making enough in tips to even pay for her bus ride to work that morning. She was hating life yesterday as were most of us who watched this pathetic excuse for a finale. It had everything and nothing. The trips to the last two guy’s hometowns, girl drama, drinking, faux sincerity and tears. All the things you would expect from a Ryan Seacrest production, and plenty of yawns too. Enjoy!

We start off with Luke and Femi discussing Neuter Boy and how he turned on Bahston during last week’s eliminations, thereby breaking up the Alex/Bahston budding Bromance. Poor Bahston is missing his cuddle bunny. He’s not happy about those lonely nights in bed with nothing to rub up on but his own palm, no one to talk to but an anthropomorph and the unknown comic. He confronts Neuter who doesn’t make any friends by being self righteous and coming up with excuses that would get him slapped by my seven year old neice, let alone a real man. He’s the guy that argues for argument’s sake and always has to be right. I had someone in my life like that once. That ended up in a little something called a divorce.

Brody interrupts this fascinating exchange by calling to inform our final three heroes that they have ten minutes to clean house because BJ’s mom is coming over. The woman that spawned our prince and by doing so helped make hours of drunken stupidity available to our humble viewer, is going to make an appearance. And it’s all about appearances, folks. You’ll understand when you see her. She looks like she shares a plastic surgeon with her ex husband, who probably got the number from Jocelyn Wildensteen.

There’s a flurry of activity, a hiding of panties and alcohol (Brody’s mom doesn’t know he drinks. You heard wrong, Brody. She said she doesn’t know you think.), and a cleaning of a sink with a mop.

Mom arrives, looking like your average mother, if your mother was married to a botox needle and turned tricks in a parking garage in Century City.

She seems nice enough for a lady who can only move her face from the lower lip down, and she meets the candidates for her future son in law one by one. Femi really sucks up to her and comments with the stellar grammar we’ve come to expect from him, that she really “keeps herself to fitness.” They sit down to lunch together where she tells this totally contrived story of Brody coming home with a wounded snail (really?!) that she helped him to heal by puting nail polish on it’s cracked shell. I guess that geniuses really do run in the Jenner family.

But this visit isn’t just about sharing how Brody Jenner is a friend of nature, we have some serious business to take care of in the form of a lie detector test. Momma Brotox informs the guys that she isn’t as trusting as her son and will need to test them to see if they are here for friendship or just all the crap that comes with it. They are individually taken to a room with red lights and the aforementioned test, and a burly guy to administer it.

They are told not to make any unneccessary movements and to give yes or no answers. Luke seems surprisingly calm, Femi looks like he’s about to get arrested and Neuter Boy looks like he just shit his pants. I am a little taken aback to how they answer her query of, “Who do you think Brody likes best?” I expect Femi to say himself but not the other two as well. He must give the best head or prostate massage because I thought that they would all say Bahston, for sure. It was fun to watch them squirm when she asked them if they found Brody attractive. They all said yes, and I have only one thing to say:

Femi and Bahston seem to be doing okay in their answers and respond with a truthful “no” to whether they would take a million dollars over Brody’s friendship. And here’s where Neuter begins to dig his own grave. Not only does he answer yes to that question but it turns out that he watches porn. A lot. And dude, when a friend’s mother asks you if she might end up being one of those masturbatory fantasies, muster up all the will power you have and just say no. Which he doesn’t. Wow. Major oopsy.

Brody and his momitute head out to the patio to discuss how the tests went.

She tells him their answers and uh oh, someone is going home already! They convene in the dining room where Brody has three envelopes, one for each of them. He tells them that they are all going home, only one of them is going alone. He will make the trip with the final two to meet their family and friends. Femi and Bahston’s envelopes have blank pieces of paper and Neuter Boy’s has a boarding pass to Orlando in it, because homies don’t fly commercial, homies fly in a private jet! Nice send off, asshole. Way to make him feel about three feet tall (half of which is dick, in case you all forgot). So, it’s back to the other state with the Magic Kingdom in it, where maybe Neuter can get a job as one of Cinderella’s mice, because last I checked nobody pays you to jack off five times a day. He says he’s going to leave the show with much more confidence and a lot of memories of “me being awesome.” I’d like to see that scrap book of his awesomeness.

Femi acts like a cocky prick while he’s packing, saying that he doesn’t need to take all his clothes since he’ll be back for them when he wins. Typical Femi bluster to hide the scared little kid inside. I’m worried that if he loses, he’s going to collapse into a puddle of repressed emotions and we won’t hear from him again until he shoots Brody in front of whatever Hollywood nightclub the celebuspawn trash is hanging out at that week. (Hey, Femi? If it comes to that, could you take out Frankie and SleazyT too? Thanks, Twunty.)

They hop aboard their teeny tiny lear jet and set off for Jacksonville.

In Jacksonville, the fellas meet up at a restaurant to meet Femi’s perfectly lovely mother Fummi, and brothers Yemi and Bummi. What I want to know is, where’s Gummi? And Demi? She and Ashton couldn’t fit in Seacrest’s jet? Anyhoo, they all have a perfectly charming time, everyone’s nice and Brody gets a kiss from a cute little toddler. He obviously can turn on the charm when he feels like it.

It’s nightclubbing time, and Femi’s crew is there along with his ex girlfriend. The one who cheated on him, the one he’s about to make out with in front of everybody. And giiirrrl! She is a flat-out busted looking ho. She’s got poker straight bleached blond hair, beady eyes and a nose that wouldn’t be out of place on the side of a roman coin. She is so tiny and her lips are so small that femi’s kiss swallows up the lower half of her face. Me python! You rabbit! I’d rather not post that picture here because there’s a much better one of Brody adjusting himself after some skank rubs her butt all over his crotch. He very thoughtfully passes her off on Bahston, who doesn’t seem to know what to do with her.

Femi goes M.I.A. with his ex, which can only mean one thing. The beer goggles are in full force tonight, or he wants to be the one getting blown for a change. So he bailed on the guys and that’s not going to sit well with Brody. They have a picnic the next day where Femi’s brother Rod (what? where did that name come from? they can’t be related unless Rod grew up and changed his name from Lemmi or Yogi or whatever the hell started this nonsense.) tells him to lay off the chick or he’s going to lose. So what does Femi do? He goes off with the chick, pledges to bring her to Cali with him and tells everyone that they’ve “rekindled.” Rod looks like he wants to deliver a beatdown on him and we cut to a picture of Femi doing his confessional in a tshirt that says, ‘define girlfriend.’ If she waits around for this tool she’s a bigger idiot than he is. Oh yeah, that’s right. She cheated on him twice with an ex. They deserve each other.

Enough of that stupidity, let’s go to Bahston! I can’t wait to see Luke’s douchebag friends. You just know that they are going to be wearing the finest in Irish/Italian Catholic toolery. If there is one thing I love to hate, it’s those galumphs. Heck, I’m related to about a dozen just like them. We get our first taste of it from Bahston’s brother Mark. He’s wearing a blousey sweatshirt with a print on it that looks straight out of the Disney store and a ballcap worn at a jaunty angle. I want to yank his baggy pants down to the ground and knock that stupid cap off his head. No matter what you wear, you’re stil going to look like a punk kid mamma’s boy who live in a row house with his parents because he spends what should be rent money on gold chains and $300 sneakers.

We have a stickball game with the neighborhood kids with Hallmark Channel flute music playing in the background, where Brody steps up and helps a little kid swing the ball and score a homerun. I guess it’s cute, if you live in a world of stuffed animals and unicorn posters. For me, it’s contrived crap.

They eat a fabulous looking lahbster dinnah that mah prepared herself, then head out to the bah. Here they are! Vinnie and Buttertooth are two of the names we are treated to that aren’t bleeped out. It’s everything you expect it to be, greasy hair, bad teeth, fake tans and red noses. Everyone is well on their way to their first liver transplant and A.A. meeting.

The hometown guys start to get completely sauced and decide it’s time to call out Brody for being the pampered Hollywood bitch he is, yelling “Where’s Spencer?” and razzing him about L.C. Some of it sounded completely dubbed, especially the one where the guy says, “Shut up, pretty boy.” Nothing goes beyond words, which sucks, so I think the producers exaggerated things a bit. I mean, they walked out the door with huge smiles on their faces, not pissed off or being heckled by anyone. I think that it was much more good natured than they want us to beleive and I hate them for it. Bahston, you let me down! You’re supposed to eat people like Brody for breakfast, or at least beat up Luke for hanging out with him! My tire just deflated. I have no hope left at all of being entertained. I feel so let down. What could he possibly do to make it up to me?

The boys head back to L.A. and their Bro-mansion for one last time. We have the reality staple ending where each one tells why the other should go home. Femi thinks that Bahston didn’t have Brody’s back when they were in the bar and all they guys were hassling him. Bahston thinks that Femi commited the ultimate sin of hoes before bros. Brody’s two cents are that Bahston gets too nervous and stops being himself and that Femi gets too caught up in the scene and not Brody. Whatever, boring.

The lucky guys get to wear some smashing tuxes that are supposed to be ironic, which may have worked the first couple of hundred times, until the 70s stopped being camp about a decade ago. I guess it’s all new to Brody since he wasn’t even born until after I graduated high school. Jesus. I’m too old to have been his babysitter. I’m going to crawl into a hole and die now.

They each head out in seperate limos to an undisclosed location (Brody’s building) where they will be given instructions to go to different elevators. Bahston is super nervous and Femi looks like he’s shut down a bit, like he’s preparing himself mentally for it to go either way. He gets out on the 7th floor into a parking garage and I thought, oooo, where’s the momitute? Is this his consolation prize? But, alas, no. There is a TV propped up on a chair for him to watch the party where Bahston is being feted as the winner. He looks like he wants to put his foot through the screen and then start his own L.A. riots, but then Brody comes down to say goodbye, tells him that he’s a good man and all that crap.

Brody has one more surprise for Bahston and it’s A BRAND NEW CAR!!!!! I think it’s a Scion which is great because my slutty friend has one and she says it’s a cinch getting cum stains out of the upholstery.

So we leave our fearless Bahston and his Prince Brody to head off into their newly stained Scion, to carry on the tradition of club hopping and chick banging that somehow makes people rich and entitles them to TVshows. I don’t want another Bromance show, I want one called, “Brody Gets A Job.” Then maybe I’ll watch this loser again. What do you guys think? Total junk? Mindless entertainment? Will Bahston Luke get a job before Brody does? I hope I was able to make it more bearable for you. Now I’m off to nurse the ulcer I got from drinking my way through these episodes. Love and Kisses, twunty