Brooklyn 11223: Hit in the Face with a Bag of WTF

Before the slut hit the fan

We open with some NYC porn and a montage of twentysomething chicks discussing friendship and betrayal. The intro is scattered and confusing, but the bottom line is that Christie and Joey Lynn had been friends since kindergarten until Joey Lynn allegedly slept with Christie’s boyfriend. The two split off into separate factions and now they have a reality show. That, my friends, is the American Dream.

We are introduced to the two “crews,” and you know that Friends episode where Chandler made out with one of Joey’s sisters but didn’t know which one? That’s how I feel right now. But I’ll try to break it down. First up is Joey Lynn and her crew. Team Joey Lynn is made up of Amanda, who, thankfully, is blonde and Valona. Valona looks just like Joey Lynn but not as tan. That’s not to say she’s not tan. Just not AS tan.

Next up is Christie’s crew. Christie looks like a less pretty Dottie from the “I’m a Jersey Shore Girl” episode of True Life.

Dottie, who begat Snooki

Her crew is comprised of Carla, who also looks like Joey Lynn, and Angelina who is blonde and heavy. Apparently there is a rule that each girl must have a blonde and a brunette in her crew.

Then there are two guys in trucker hats, Nick and Chris, whom we will meet later. They apparently are not affiliated with a crew. Or maybe they are. Too soon to tell.

Now we see footage from Joey Lynn’s Sweet Sixteen party which occurred seven years ago. Carla and Christie wish Joey Lynn happy birthday and profess their love.

Christie’s disembodied voice says, “It’s like an unwritten rule. You do not go near your best friend’s boyfriend.”

This voice brings us to the present day, where a graphic helpfully tells us that JOEY LYNN F****D CHRISTIES BOYFRIEND, ROBERTO.

See, it really says that

Then it changes to JOEY LYNN DID NOT F*** CHRISTIE’S BOYFRIEND, then JOEY LYNN AND ANOTHER GIRL F****D CHRISTIE’S BOYFRIEND, then it changes to JOEY LYNN IS A LOSER, then JOEY LYNN IS A WHORE and I think it also said she was a virgin too. I don’t know. What I do know is that SNOOPK8 NEEDS A DRINK.

FINALLY, we get to the actual show part of the show.

It’s July 6, according to the graphic. Joey Lynn and her crew assemble at a table in her backyard, where she apparently has a tiki bar. I’m so jealous. They pour white wine and toast to: “A fantastic summer!”, “No losing wallets!”, “No fighting!” and “To boys and getting fucked up!” Joey Lynn interrupts to say she doesn’t want boys, she wants men. More cheers to that.

Joey Lynn says that Christie ruined their friendship, but she’s not going to let her ruin her summer. She says it’s not that she doesn’t want to be Christie’s friend, it’s just that Christie is STILL upset about the incident even though she has a new boyfriend. Joey Lynn says the two of them never even had a conversation about what happened. Valona assures Joey Lynn that “we know it’s not true,” but if it WERE true, which it isn’t, what would she say to Christie if they ever DID talk about it (even though it never happened)?

I’m not a whore, but if I were, I certainly wouldn’t fuck Roberto. At least not in front of anyone. At least not on a Tuesday.

Joey Lynn says she would ask if Christie was in her vagina at the time. Uh, okay. Then she says if she HAD fucked Christie’s BF, she’d be the happiest person in the world to rub it in her face. Are we still talking about vaginas? She adds that she “don’t need no fuckin’ leftovers,” and that she does just fine getting her own guys. I’m sure they are a fine caliber of gentleman, too.

Christie and a guy are jet-skiing. A graphic tells us that Christie broke up with Roberto as soon as she found out he cheated and has been dating Matthew ever since. She interviews that they love each other and have gone maybe two whole days at most without seeing each other. She says Matthew gets along with everyone and that she is definitely lucky. Then she screams at him not to splash her because she’s getting wet and to get away from her. She admits she has a bad temper but that Matthew levels her out.

Stop making the water wet!

Matthew, who is really cute and seems like a nice kid (I can tell from the three seconds he’s been on screen), asks her what’s wrong and she laments for the first of seven million times this episode that things just aren’t the way they used to be since The Betrayal. Matt (sorry, I don’t feel like typing Matthew) tells her to get over it, but not in a dicky way. Christie says she can’t believe Joey Lynn would do what she did. Whatever it was.

Okay, so no one has ever said when this stupid “incident” happened. Are we talking months or years? And why does no one in Bay Ridge have anything else to talk about? No wonder Bobby jumped off that bridge.

So then Joey Lynn blew this kid… Tony? Call me!

Big Angelina’s backyard, where she has an inground pool. Damn, I am doubly jealous of that. Big Ang says her yard is the “party yard” and that she and friends hang out there every day drinking Coronas. She says she’s the fun, wild and crazy one, who’s always down for a good time. But she’s always there for her friends, if they, for example, need her to knock someone out.

Christie, Big Ang and Carla (wait a minute – am I suddenly recapping Mob Wives?) sit around the patio table talking about some restaurant that has a great crabmeat salad. Big Ang says crabmeat is too fishy. But Carla and Christie love crabmeat! Big Ang can eat “like, a CRAB, in SAWCE,” but can’t just eat crabmeat. Carla and Christie like crab better than lobster, which is too rubbery. OMG, you guys, WTF are they talking about? This conversation does not bode well for the series if they are already talking about nonsensical shit in the first fifteen minutes of the first episode.

Don’t even get me started on scallops

Big Ang interviews that Christie is a pretty girl but her personality is like a wet mop. Christie brings up her jet-ski convo and complains that Matt doesn’t want to hear about the situation with Joey Lynn and her ex-boyfriend. I just met her and I’m already sick of hearing about it, so I feel for Matt. Also, I would really like to “feel for” Matt. Heh heh. (I’ll be here all week.) Christie interviews that she worries about everything and that’s why she has an ulcer.

To the girls, Christie says that Joey Lynn didn’t used to be a dirtbag, she used to be one of them. Big Ang interviews that Christie and Joey Lynn have never spoken the truth about what happened, but she knows the truth is out there and she knows where to find it.

The girls agree to go somewhere and chug their half-full Coronas.

We arrive at an auto glass repair shop that is owned by trucker hat #1, Chris. He interviews that his dad went to jail for two years in the late 1980s. When he (the dad) got out, he got a job at the shop, worked his way up and took the shop over. He died (I think) and left it to Chris, and Chris is all about the money. Chris is wearing a Yankee hat, a shirt with Hebrew writing and a huge gold cross. I guess he’s covering all the bases. (Ha ha.)

Multi-culti

Trucker hat #2 is Nick, Chris’s brother. Nick says he ran the shop at age 18 when his dad got sick. He has a tattoo of his dad on his arm. He says he is the street smart one. Nick’s hat says “Coney Island” in graffiti-type writing.

Big Ang enters and the boys call her “Special Angelina.” She asks Chris what his shirt says and he says it means “Brooklyn.” Then he jokes it means “Mazel tov.”

In a talking head, Nick says “Fuhgeddaboutit,” Angelina’s “plotzed?” or “futzed?” (I have no idea WTF he said) in the head, but she’s a nice girl. He really did say “fuhgeddaboutit” though. Heh. ANYWAY, they exchange small talk, but Big Ang is there for a reason. She interviews that “Nicholas” is like the mayor and he knows everyone and everything. Surely he’ll know what (or who – ha ha) went down that night.

She asks him what he thinks of Christie’s BF Matt and he says that Matt is too good for Christie. He says Christie looks like a walking parakeet and that Joey Lynn is much better looking. Big Ang says Joey Lynn looks like she “got hit in the face with a bag of what the fuck.” Hahahahaha. Someone named Big Rocco interjects that he “tinks dey is awl very attractive,” but Nick says Big Rocco is married with a son, so too bad for him.

Nick continues to disparage Christie, saying she looks dirty and all she cares about is hating on Joey Lynn. Nick interviews that the whole situation is just baby games and “he said, she said.” Then Nick tells Big Ang he heard Christie wanted to watch “them” [bleep] Roberto. (Couldn’t tell if he said “fuck” or something else.) Big Ang asks if Christie made Joey Lynn “blow” Roberto in front of her. Chris says he heard that and then he heard Joey Lynn and another girl did it when Christie wasn’t there. Oy vey. I need a scorecard, a double martini and a shower.

Big Ang says the whole thing is sick and maybe Christie needs to be in a straitjacket or something. She interviews that the story could or could not be true. Thanks for clearing that up. She says she’s heard there was a third girl in the room, but it’s crazy to think that it could be Christie.

Who are these people?

We meet Joey Lynn on an empty beach. She tells us her first name is Joey after her dad who was killed in a mob hit when her mom was pregnant and Lynn is her middle name. She says her sister’s godfather ordered the hit on her dad. She says she’s an open book, but no one understands her. Kind of like Ulysses.

Amanda interviews that Joey Lynn has had a rough life and now her reputation is ruined and her friends need to get her back on track so they can have a fun summer. Obviously, the fun summer is the priority.

Joey Lynn’s crew is pre-gaming at Amanda’s. Someone yells about a muffin. Amanda complains about water rings on the coffee table and Joey Lynn tells her to invest in coasters. Amanda says she doesn’t need coasters because she invested in Windex. But how does she feel about crabmeat? Joey Lynn interviews that Amanda is a typical Bay Ridge girl with a nasty tongue but in general she is a good girl.

The girls are in a cab on the way to a club and Amanda screams that she just wants to dance and drink.

Find the Muslim

Amanda interviews that Valona was brought up Muslim and has strict parents. Amanda says she doesn’t know what a Muslim is supposed to look like, but Valona is bad-ass and has tattoos, wears short skirts and red lipstick. She says the only other Muslims she knows are “like, from Islam or something.”

At the club, Joey Lynn (I think – it doesn’t help that she and Valona are both wearing black) says she hasn’t kissed a guy since May. Then she (or Valona) sits on a couch while a sweaty guido pulls his sweaty t-shirt over her face.

How to rebuild your reputation

Valona interviews that she feels bad that Joey Lynn’s life was ruined over a stupid rumor but she has Joey Lynn’s back. She doesn’t care if you’re “a guy or a girl; a he-male, she-male or female” she’s gonna “knock you the fuck out.” Thanks for the warning, V.

Christie’s crew assembles at Big Ang’s party yard. In addition to Christie, Big Ang and Carla, we have Kelly, who is black and a couple of other random brunettes who are irrelevant. Big Ang opens the meeting by ominously saying that shit is going down. She tells Christie the Christie-was-there rumor, which Christie denounces as a complete lie. Big Ang says she doesn’t judge and notes there are three sides to every story: “his, hers and the truth.” I believe that was the premise of Three’s Company.

Christie’s upset but everyone tells her not to let it bother her. Christie interviews that she can’t believe this is how her FRIENDS are talking to her. She leaves and walks up the street. Big Ang follows her in nothing but a bathing suit and a Corona. I’m starting to love this girl.

Christie won’t come back and tells Big Ang to stay away or she’s going to throw something.

Christie interviews that Nick shouldn’t have said anything about the alleged whatever-the-hell it was because he’s family and families don’t betray each other.

Cute Matt shows up in his Beemer to pick Christie up, but she won’t tell him what Nick said. He threatens to go talk to Nick, but Christie tells him not to get involved because it has nothing to do with him. She changes the subject by complaining again about her ulcer and Cute Matt asks her if it still hurts. Aw, Cute Matt is cute. And whipped. Christie says of course it still hurts. It hurts even when she swallows her own saliva. She’s kind of a whiny bitch.

Hi Cute Matt! 

We go to the No Quarter Tavern where Joey Lynn works. She says she’s 23, going on 24, and has been a bartender since she was 18.

I’ve been a bartender since I was 18 and an outcast since I was 20

She says since the rumors began, she’d rather get a root canal than stay in Brooklyn. She wants to go somewhere, start over, get married and have kids. But she says “Prince Charming’s not walking through that door.” The only way to get through the night is by doing shots of Jameson’s with Joe the bouncer.

They go out front to talk about Joey Lynn’s potential suitors and she admits she has none. Joe says it’s too bad she’s wasting her boobs by not having a boyfriend. Joey Lynn says the boobs are for “me and my shirts.” Joe says NO ONE gets boobs for themselves. Joey Lynn says she would cut off a limb (presumably not a boob) to get outta Brooklyn.

Now we are at Sapphire Gentlemen’s club where Carla is a cocktail waitress. Carla wears feathers in her hair as her signature. That is actually really helpful for letting me know who the hell she is among all the other brunettes.

Duh, I’m the classy one

She and her colleagues down some shots and toast to a good night with lots of cash. Carla loves what she does because she loves to “socialize.” She says it’s not a career but she fits in really well there and that last week she made $6,000 in one night. Holy crap. She says she’s single for the first time since she was 14 and she’s just going with the flow. She says she would never go on the pole herself, but it’s “funny” that when they were friends, Joey Lynn told Carla she always wanted to be a stripper. Ah, so she must be guilty, because who actually aspires to be a stripper? Isn’t that usually the last resort?

Cut to a boring interlude at Cute Matt’s house, where he lives with his less cute twin brother, John. John tells Matt he’s dirty because his room’s a mess and they get into a fight and it’s boring so we’ll move on.

One of those commercial interstitials with Big Ang looking for a bracelet in her car at the auto glass place. She almost makes the boys take the seats out her car because it’s her grandma’s bracelet but she finds it at the last minute. Fascinating!

Christie and crew arrive on the beach at Coney Island. Christie is just excited to relax with her friends and have a good time. Carla says she hasn’t eaten and now she’s going to drink. Carla castigates the rest of them for not knowing how to open a beer bottle with a lighter. I could never master that either. Something stabs Big Ang’s foot and someone asks if it was a syringe. Christie looks up from her phone where she’s probably posting about her ulcer on Facebook to say “Hopefully not.”

Uh-oh. Here comes Joey Lynn and her crew. (It’s her, Valona and some other brunette who has no lines.) I’m sure this was a completely random encounter. They plop down about 10 feet away and girls from both camps stare at each other menacingly. Each side makes random threats to their respective companions until Angelina and Kelly finally get up and go over to make threats to the other side.

Stop looking at me, clown

No, YOU’RE the clown!

Valona and Kelly yell back and forth about who has a staring problem and who’s a clown, but they break themselves up before any blows are thrown. These chicks are all talk and no action.

As they walk away, Big Ang yells at someone, not sure who, that “you’re not that pretty and you’ll be my bitch in jail.” Valona screams “keep talking you fucking heifer.”

Valona interviews that personally, she thinks it’s disgusting for girls to fight, but you gotta have your dukes up anyway. And, she tells us, that’s why she cut off her fingernails.

Meanwhile, as they are yelling at each other, Christie is just standing off to the side trying to look invisible.

I don’t know what all the fuss is about

Joey Lynn goes up to Christie and asks her if she anything to say to her. Christie does not. Christie says that Joey Lynn never tried to explain anything, and JL says Christie never wanted to hear it. Christie says if it were her, she’d do anything to make JL think she was innocent.

We really have five more episodes of this shit?

JL tells her to get over it. Big Ang interjects that an apology would be nice, but JL says she has nothing to apologize for. This goes on interminably until Joey Lynn finally says, “Well, I didn’t do it, so everyone can stop talking about it.” At this point, I totally had to put the closed captioning on, because I SWORE she said she did do it.

Christie says she doesn’t know what to believe. You know what? I believe in moving on. How about finding a hobby or taking some classes or something. As Judge Judy would say, in ten years, you won’t even remember this guy’s name. (That usually doesn’t stop JJ litigants from having six kids with said guy though.)

ANYHOO, Joey Lynn walks away with her crew, who agree that they need drinks. Carla tells Christie she’s proud of her for confronting Joey Lynn even though it was the lamest confrontation ever. Christie and crew also decide that it’s time to go somewhere and get drunk… and that wraps up our first episode.

On this (thankfully short) season of Brooklyn 11223: there is drinking, fighting, short skirts, Vegas and “No sleep till Brooklyn.”

Soooooo, what did y’all think about this train wreck? DID Joey Lynn or didn’t she? Why don’t these people have anything else to worry about? Where is this Roberto fellow? Do you think Cute Matthew would make out with me? Of course then Christie would hold a grudge against me for the rest of my life. But I think I could handle that.

Anyway, thanks for wallowing in this cesspool with me. Hopefully the next few episodes will be better.

xoxo,
SnoopK8

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