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Good morning, fellow Brooklyn 11223 fans. (All three of you.) I think it’s fair to say that I’ve come fully around to liking this show. And you know why? Because they have been showing less and less Christie as the weeks go by. I suppose next week since it’s the finale, she’ll be back with a vengeance, but until this evening is this morning, life is fine. There were no auto glass boys this week and that also made me happy.
Previously on the show previously known as the worst show ever: Big Ang’s dad was out on bail; Joey Lynn’s mom told her to get the F outta Brooklyn; Christie’s crew went to Vegas and had a blast, while Joey Lynn’s crew went to Miami and were super lame.
We open at Christie’s house, where Christie is in bed.
She tells us that she just had an endoscopy for her ulcer, her third in three months, but the good news is, her ulcer is gone. Oh no, what is she going to use as an excuse to be no fun? Big Ang and Kelly show up, just as Jen is calling. Big Ang is under the impression that an endoscopy involves tubes up the ass, but it turns out to be a tube down the throat. I will not make a Roberto joke here. Christie is miserable (I know, right?) because she got her period “five minutes” before she had to leave for the endoscopy and she has cramps and it hurts. Ugh, she is TOTALLY the type of girl who complains about her period for two weeks out of every month.
She tells the girls that her ulcer is gone and Kelly is excited because it means she can drink more now. Christie says she’s excited to be able to eat chocolate, but I’m sure that will hurt her teeth or something. Big Ang asks if she isn’t glad that they resolved their differences and are friends again. Christie nods. Kelly says she’s glad everything is “harmonious” now. Big Ang and Kelly leave so Christie can be alone to find something else to bitch about.
Amanda’s parents are out of town and she is having the girls over for dinner.
Joey Lynn once again interviews that she wishes her friends were as fun as her and liked to drink as much as she does. Flashback to Miami where Amanda’s ordering coffee in a bar. Joey Lynn says, “Hey Amanda, remember when you said we’d have a crazy summer?” Amanda’s like, “I had a good summer for myself.” She says that she has a fulltime job, is on her feet nine hours a day and works weekends, but Joey Lynn is not convinced. She says “You said you were gonna bring it this summer and you didn’t.” Amanda says she knows how to drink and Joey Lynn is like “prove it, bitch.”
Amanda interviews that she likes to drink and party as much as the next girl, but not all the time. She says that she gets that Joey Lynn is looking out for her, but she needs to mind her own business. This totally made me laugh out loud. It’s like a reverse intervention. “Dear Amanda, when you drink moderately and responsibly, it hurts me in the following ways…”
Amanda tells Joey Lynn that they don’t have to be the same person to be friends and she would never judge Joey Lynn for being a lush. Joey Lynn just says “take a shot and make me happy.” Ha ha, she is going to rehabilitate her one way or another. They do shots of what I assume is vodka and Joey Lynn is like “Cheers to what you should have been doing in Miami.”
Joey Lynn interviews that Amanda is a good person, but hanging out with her and the other girls makes her feel like she’s missing something.
Meanwhile, the chicken they are cooking is getting blacker and blacker in the pan.
All of a sudden the fire alarm goes off and they scramble to turn it off because it hurts the dog’s ears. Valona can’t figure out how to stop it and ends up ripping the alarm out altogether.
At Carla’s house, Carla and Toni Lynn drink wine and eat take out.
Toni Lynn says she spoke to Joey Lynn when they were in VEGAS! and that Joey Lynn had a miserable time in Miami. Carla’s like “that’s a waste of Miami!” Carla says that Joey Lynn’s crew aren’t her “immediate good friends that she grew up with.” I’ve been wondering how Joey Lynn hooked up with Valona and Amanda. I don’t think that was ever explained. Toni Lynn tells Carla that Joey Lynn has never spoken ill of Carla, and Carla’s like “never?” Toni Lynn affirms it says that Joey Lynn misses Carla. She asks what would happen if Joey Lynn ever wanted to hang out with them. Carla says she doesn’t know.
But then she voice-overs that she would have to know EXACTLY what happened with Roberto that fateful night before they could hang out. I really don’t see how Carla puts up with Christie at all. Joey Lynn is so much more fun. Toni Lynn says wistfully that maybe the three of them can have a drink some day.
At Joey Lynn’s house, Joey Lynn and Valona are getting ready to go to a bar on Wall Street so Joey Lynn can meet her “future ex-husband.” She’s really nervous and doesn’t know what to wear.
Valona says she’s going to be JL’s wingman and then she tells JL that any Wall St. guy she meets is gonna be a “chooch.” Heh. I would say douche, but chooch works just as well. Joey Lynn is seriously nervous and shaking. Oh jeez, she really needs to move out of Brooklyn.
Matt and John’s house. The boys are going out for a guy’s night. Matt interviews that John normally takes at least two hours to get ready. Then John details his grooming regimen for us. It includes tanning, a twice-a-week haircut and periodic eyebrow waxing.
But he assures us he’s not a guido. Matt and John start yelling like little girls over t-shirts and jeans. Matt interviews that no one can push his buttons like John, while their friend Ryan says they need counseling. More importantly, where’s the damn puppy? Don’t think I forgot about it.
Christie the Crab calls Matt and asks if he will pick her up. Instead of growing some balls and saying he’s going out with the boys, he only says “it depends.”
Okay, Matt. You’re cute, but you need to stand up to that shrew. John interviews that Matt’s relationship with Christie has been dramatic and extremely bad for him. It’s been extremely bad for us too. What does he see in her?
Joey Lynn and Valona take a cab to Wall St.
They practice flirtatious hair-flipping in the back seat. In Manhattan, Valona takes pictures out the window and jokes that she is a tourist.
Joey Lynn says she hate Brooklyn and asks Valona if she plans to stay there forever. Valona says it’s a lifestyle choice for her. Joey Lynn is like, “Ugh. Really?”
They go to bar called Beckett’s and Joey Lynn is still super nervous. She tells Valona to go talk to cute guys for her, but Valona says Joey Lynn needs to do it on her own. Joey Lynn interviews that she is confident when she’s behind the bar because it’s like putting on a show, but on the other side of the bar she is insecure and can’t approach guys. Honey, that’s what alcohol is for. She must have heard me because all of a sudden she and Valona are doing like 20 shots.
Joey Lynn says that all the guys on Wall St. are pale, dress the same and have the same haircut. And on top of that, they are not hitting on her. The girls just sit there drinking and nothing much happens. Plan Future Ex-Wall Street Husband seems to be a dud.
Matt, John and Ryan are in a car en route to boy’s night out. Ryan is happy Christie is not with them. He tells Matt that they’re going to have a great time and Matt is going to go hit on girls of all shapes and sizes, including possible trannies. The boys arrive at their destination and change their shirts in the car.
Heh. So these boys do the JerzSho “shirt before the shirt” thing too. (But remember, they are not guidos.)
They pull up to the bar, and who is there but the grim reaper herself, Christie.
Ryan is PISSED and I don’t blame him. Not only did Matt not have the balls to tell Christie not to come, he didn’t tell the guys that she was showing up. Matt, we may have to take a little break if you can’t stop being a pussy.
They sit around a table and Ryan asks Christie if she had planned to come to that bar and she says that she and Matt decided yesterday. Ryan tells Christie that she fucked up guy’s night and that she needs to let Matt breathe a little.
Christie says if Matt wanted a breath, she he should take it. Matt just sits there, mute. Oh Matt. You disappoint me.
Back on Wall Street, Valona interviews that Joey Lynn isn’t even trying to meet anyone. Joey Lynn texts her friend JayJay to meet them there and he shows up. Valona says of JayJay that Joey Lynn was “talking to him” for awhile a few months ago, but they stopped.
They make fun of Joey Lynn about whether or not she is a people person. She claims she is, and Valona and JayJay say she’s not. Valona flirts with JayJay, which annoys Joey Lynn, who just keeps getting drunker and drunker.
Joey Lynn interviews that Valona is hitting on the one guy that she really likes (so much so that she apparently stopped to talking to him months ago). Valona interviews that Joey Lynn is acting really weird.
Back at the table, Joey Lynn has had it and says JayJay and Valona should hang out because they are in “love city.” JayJay gets mad at Joey Lynn and leaves. Joey Lynn yells at Valona for stealing her man and Valona points out that JayJay came all the way into the city to see her (Joey Lynn) and that she is being ridiculous. Valona assures JL that she can trust her. But you can’t argue with someone that drunk so there’s no point. Suddenly Joey Lynn is falling all over the place and Valona’s like “time to go.”
Valona gives Joey Lynn a piggyback ride out of the bar and they sit on a bench. See, Joey Lynn, you are lucky that your friends are more sober than you and can make sure you get home instead of ending up dead under the West Side Highway.
Jen picks up Big Ang at her house to go to dinner at Pizza D’Amore. Big Ang assures her mom they won’t get drunk. She tells us that she won’t get drunk because they only brought two bottles of wine. At dinner, Big Ang says her dad, who is facing racketeering charges and is out on bail, could get up to 25 years in prison.
She says he’s gone to jail before, once for three years and once for three months. He missed her Sweet Sixteen because he was “away.” She interviews that it would be sad if he couldn’t walk her down the aisle at her wedding because he is in jail.
At first I thought we were getting some auto glass moments, but no, it’s just a tattoo shop where John is getting some stuff added to his myriad tattoos. John is complaining that it hurts and tattoo guy says that’s because it’s so close to John’s vagina.
Heh. They talk about Matt and John says that Matt is a woman and that Christie has him on a leash. He says they don’t even seem happy. Well Christie is never happy, but he’s right. It’s so annoying when your friend/ twin brother is dating someone sucky and they won’t listen to you.
Some random tattoo customer interjects to say he has three girls’ names tattooed on him and he doesn’t even talk to any of them. He also has a tattoo that says “My ex-girlfriend’s a whore.”
At Big Ang’s, she is cooking dinner for Anthony, the guy we met at Coney Island a few weeks ago. She says she usually cooks from a box but now her mom is teaching her how to make a real meal. Big Ang uses the same tomatoes as me! Tuttorosso’s holla! Big Ang says that Anthony is not her boyfriend yet, but he could be if dinner goes right. She says she wants her dad to be able to meet him before he goes away because he could be The One. Aww. That is so cute. And sad. I hope these kids make it. Ant’ny shows up with wine and cookies. Big Ang’s mom interviews that Big Ang is “calm as an apple,” but that she (mom) is really nervous.
Big Ang’s mom lurks around the kitchen while Big Ang and Ant’ny eat. She asks him how it is and he says if he’s not speaking it means it’s good. Big Mom asks Ant’ny how many girls have cooked for him and he says many.
But Big Mom is unfazed and says she just hopes that he makes her daughter happy. Big Mom interviews that she hopes Ant’ny is The One. Probably because Big Ang is already 23 and she’s not getting any younger. Hey, I had an Italian grandma, I know how that shit works.
Matt is on the docks, getting ready to jet ski. Unfortunately he is wearing a shirt. The sky goes dark and all the birds fall silent as Crypt Keeper Christie shows up.
Matt’s like, “Jesus, Christie, what the fuck are you doing here? Can’t a man have five minutes to himself?” Actually, he just says “what are you doing here?” She complains that it’s too cold to jet ski.
Then she yells at Matt because he had the nerve to want to go out alone with his friends. She says how can it be guy’s night if there were so many girls in the bar? Yeah, Matt. Explain that one. If you’re going out for guy’s night, you should go to a monastery or one of those snooty cigar clubs that don’t allow women. She harangues him for a good five minutes. If I were him I would just get on the jet ski and splash her as I rode off. But he just sits there. She says if anyone ever says something stupid to him again she is going to flip out. Then she stalks off. UGHHHHH. She is so awful, you guys! How can he put up with that?? But Matt didn’t even defend himself. Sorry, Matt. It’s over between us. You need to be a man.
Matt jet skis and voice-overs that he needs to live like a 24-year-old and do what he wants to do with his life. Yes. Like get some testosterone
Joey Lynn is home alone with her old pal, Jameson.
She says that Toni Lynn is hanging out with Carla and Amanda and Valona are doing their thing, so she’s alone again. She looks at old photos and slurs that she loves Toni Lynn but she and Carla used to have so much fun and she would like to hang out with her again.
Toni Lynn and Carla arrive at Carla’s brother Marco’s apartment for a gathering. They talk about how horrible Miami was for Joey Lynn (for someone who supposedly doesn’t like JL, she is certainly is overly concerned about JL’s emotional state all the time).
Back at Joey Lynn’s House of Loneliness, Joey Lynn texts Toni Lynn.
Carla and Toni Lynn are putting on makeup when Toni Lynn asks how Carla would feel if Joey Lynn came out. Carla’s pissed and says it would be too weird. She says she has enough best friends to go around. But Toni Lynn just wants everyone to get along! She implores Carla to just speak to Joey Lynn. Carla says Joey Lynn is the absolute last person she wants to see, but agrees to talk to her because maybe, she says, she can find out what happened That Night.
Joey Lynn is in a cab, smoking and nervous.
This poor girl better learn to calm down or she’s going to get an ulcer like Christie. She arrives at Marco’s and calls up to Toni Lynn who says she’s coming down. She brings Carla down and then walks over and sits on the stoop to let them talk.
They are somewhat civil, and discuss how every time they run into each other, it ends up being a scream fest between their two crews.
Meanwhile, a group of random girls walks by and makes fun of Carla’s leopard dress. Carla screams back at them and they go back and forth until Carla throws her glass on the ground.
Joey Lynn is just standing there looking amused. The girls finally move along and JL is like, “what happened to you?” to Carla. Carla admits she’s changed in the last couple of years and she just doesn’t give a fuck anymore.
But back to the feud at hand. Carla says Joey Lynn should have at least CALLED Christie after the rumor started. Joey Lynn swears on her dead father that nothing happened. She says she walked in on Roberto and Cassie – hold up. Who is this Cassie you speak of? Another Helpful Graphic™ tells us CASSIE WAS THE OTHER GIRL IN THE ROOM. CARLA AND JOEY LYNN HAVE NEVER SPOKEN OF HER.
Well, maybe they should. Maybe it was all just a big misunderstanding.
Joey Lynn says that Christie should have trusted her word and then she says, although I think this was edited weird, “fuck you and all your friends. Get over it.” I think she was actually saying this of Christie and not to Carla, but I think we’re supposed to think she was saying it to Carla. Anyway, we’re supposed to believe that Carla stormed off back into Marco’s, but I think she was just drunk and stumbling. Joey Lynn walks away, alone again.
All of a sudden, we are in a room with a blurred-out girl who says she is Cassie. She was there, and she knows the truth.
Well for fuck’s sake. Where have you been this whole time?
Next week: Christie’s crew takes boxing lessons. Oh good, maybe then they will actually hit someone instead of just screaming at one another. It looks like Matt dumps Christie! That would make me so happy. (Yes, I am a sad person.) The auto glass boys are back and gossiping. It seems like they orchestrate a party where both crews show up and have a final confrontation which of course leads to screaming and hair pulling. Can’t wait!
So what did you guys think? I so want Matt to realize what a clam his girlfriend is and dump her. And I really kind of want Carla and Joey Lynn to see the light and make up because fun girls gotta stick together. And will we FINALLY learn the truth about what happened that Fateful Night? I guess we’ll find out next week.
Thanks for reading, everyone, and have a great day.
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