Brooklyn 11223 Recap: Pigs in a Poke

The show’s only redeeming factor

Oh my god, you guys, this show has less substance than a Hanson box set. I’m so disappointed because I had such high hopes for it.

Last time: Joey Lynn either did or didn’t sleep with Christie’s boyfriend an untold amount of time ago. Christie has an ulcer. Everyone went to Coney Island and yelled at each other and I lost an hour of my life that I will never get back.

We open at Carla’s house. Carla, you will remember, is the strip club waitress who made $6,000 in one night “cocktailing.” She is part of Christie’s crew. She is eating dinner with her family and says she needs a boob job NOW. I think the $6K should cover that, don’t you?

Dinner at Carla’s: tits and grits

Her sister Jenna says no, she’s getting a nose job first… and ok. Turns out that has nothing to do with anything.

Carla’s brother Marco says it’s “hot as BAWLS in here” and then says he heard the beach was “eventful” yesterday. Carla recounts how Christie’s crew was at the beach and everything was aces until Joey Lynn and her friends showed up and sat “obnoxiously” close to them. That led to lots of yelling and smack talk, but nobody got “cracked.” She says Joey Lynn confronted Christie, but nothing was resolved. Really? These ladies all seem so reasonable and accommodating.

Turns out that Marco, who Carla interviews is a “little whorebag,” went to the prom with Joey Lynn, who then hooked up with another guy at the prom and at the after-party. So that only happened, what four years ago? Why are they still talking about it? Oh right. I forgot what show I was watching.  Marco and Carla call Joey Lynn slutty in front of some little blonde kid (their brother?).

Mommy, what’s “slutty”?

Now we’re in a cab with Joey Lynn, Valona, Amanda and a Random Brunette. Joey Lynn says she needs a bottle of Jameson’s after the beach drama and Valona wants to dance on tables. Amanda says they are a bunch of classy bitches. Joey Lynn says “I ain’t classy. I’ll be on top of that bar downing that Jameson’s.”

Amanda asks what happened at the beach and we get the same boring story again. Joey Lynn says she went up to Christie, but Christie was “soooo dramatic” and walked away crying. Well, duh. Ulcers make people cry.

Christie and her crew are outside drinking out of red cups. Christie is still whining about the whole Joey Lynn-sleeping-with-her-ex-who-knows-how-many-years-ago situation. Her boyfriend Cute Matt voiceovers that Christie really needs to get over this shit already.

That’s why Cute Matt and I are meant to be. He says “the past is the past and I’m the present.” Listen to Cute Matt, Christie. For the love of god. Listen to Cute Matt.

Back at the ironically named Club Amnesia, Joey Lynn talks again about Jameson’s, dancing on the bar and getting “shitfaced.”

Klassy Krew

Christie’s crew again, and according to the graphic they are at a house party (oh, now the red cups make sense). But it’s a big fucking house party with like a stage and a bar.

This ain’t no disco

I need to start hanging out in Bay Ridge. Matt is upset that Nick (one of the trucker hat guys from the auto glass shop) is at the party.He is the one who told Big Ang that Christie watched Joey Lynn and another girl blow Christie’s ex-boyfriend (the alleged incident that sparked all this ridiculousness).

I don’t even recognize him without the trucker hat. (Okay, I probably wouldn’t recognize him WITH the trucker hat.)

Cute Matt says you don’t disrespect his girlfriend like that, and he is going over to “tawk” to Nick. Christie tells him not to and interviews that while most girls like drama and having guys fight over them, she is not one of them. No, she just likes to whine eternally.

Christie confides in a friend (another Random Brunette) that Cute Matt is going to start trouble with Nick, and Random Brunette tells her she’d better get Cute Matt out of there. Christie interviews that Nick is really “connected” to the neighborhood and is not someone you want to get in a fight with. Christie takes Cute Matt out to the street and tries to talk him out of saying anything to Nick. She tells him he needs to “grow up.” Like the not getting upset over shit that happened a hundred years ago kind of growing up? Christie says “I have an ulcer! You can’t do this to me right now!”

Christie interviews that if she doesn’t confront Nick soon, shit will go down.

No Quarter Tavern, where Joey Lynn works… with her mom! Joey Lynn says she got her mom a bartending job about a month ago.

How do you make a White Russian? Vodka, Kahlua and MILF!

Joey Lynn says she is 23 and still lives at home and it’s aggravating because she doesn’t have any privacy and her mom bitches about everything. She talks about her mom raised her alone and it was hard and blah, blah single mother cakes.

Mrs. Joey Lynn sits at the bar with a drink and asks JL what she’s doing that night. JL says she has a date, but the guy has weird friends. Mrs. JL says so what, that Joey Lynn has weird friends. Then they make fun of all the old men sitting at the bar. Then Joey Lynn interviews that her mom is older and still bartending and she doesn’t want that to be her. She needs to get out before it’s too late.

Valona’s house. Valona is doing her hair and says her mom is from Macedonia and her dad is from Kosovo, but she is “Brooklynized to a T.” She says she’s not ashamed of being Muslim, but her mom doesn’t know about her two tattoos, which would freak her out because Muslims aren’t supposed to mutilate their bodies or something.

Well, at least you permanently disfigured yourself with a nice bird motif

She yells at her mom to get the hell out of her room.

Cute Matt and John’s house and this is the only reason you should watch this show: they have the cutest puppy ever! It looks like some kind of bulldog.

Free Louie!

I love him! His name is Louie. Matt tells John about all the goings on with Nick and Big Ang and Christie and John calls Big Ang an instigator. John interviews he’s glad not to have a girlfriend and have to deal with all “dese” problems. Matt says he thinks Christie will confront Nick about what he said and Nick will apologize and they’ll “laugh it out.” The puppy whimpers, foreshadowing doom, or mild agitation, or whatever.

Big Ang’s house. Big Ang and Kelly are going out in Bay Ridge tonight because they haven’t been out in a while. Big Ang says Kelly is not only her best friend, but she is the “black Barbie of Brooklyn.”

Not to be confused with the Black Barbie of Brookline, MA

They talk about Valona and Joey Lynn, with Kelly saying that at least Joey Lynn has “swagger” and can hold her own, but her friends, i.e. Valona and Amanda, are just followers. Kelly says she just DARES Valona to say something to her again because it’s not gonna be nice. What, are you going to call her a clown again? You’re so Badass.

They do shots of something brown and make faces.

Smooth!

Blue Zoo Lounge and they are with friends and do more shots “to all the haters!” Ugh, I can’t even watch people do shots. I’m that old. Big Ang tells Kelly that she may get crazy, but Kelly is out of control. Kelly says she’s old school. They leave the bar and walk the streets of Bay Ridge and “happen” to run into Valona and Amanda outside another bar. Either Big Ang or Kelly calls them “Ugly and Uglier.” (Not to their faces of course.)

Didn’t I tell you yesterday to stop looking at me?

Once again, Big Ang and Kelly start yelling at Valona and Amanda about looking at each other at the beach. Big Ang says Valona just runs behind Joey Lynn all day and is a peon and a little piglet in a pen. Amanda tries to get in the middle to make peace (sort of) but Big Ang and Kelly are too drunk to listen to reason. They just keep yelling until Amanda’s brother breaks it up. Seriously, I’m tougher than these broads. All they do is yell and call each other names. I’d like to see them throw a punch once in a while.

Valona’s house. Valona talks about the encounter with Big Ang and Kelly and makes fun of Kelly’s giant BARBIE necklace. Joey Lynn says Kelly is just a big “jooch.” I thought she meant “chooch,” but she pronounces it “jooch” and says it means “big vagina.” I have no idea if those are the same thing, and Urban Dictionary is not helping me. Anyway, she adds that Kelly is the biggest jooch she knows. Joey Lynn says she wishes she had been there because she would have killed someone. Oh really? Why don’t I believe that? Valona tells Joey Lynn how Big Ang called them little pigs in a pigpen and then she vows to “kick the shit” out of her next time. Yeah, I’m sure she’s shaking in her knock-off Louboutins

Christie’s house, and she is trying to put together a giant blow up pool with Big Ang and Carla, but they don’t how to make the pump work. They need a man to fix it.

Math is hard! So is blowing stuff that isn’t Roberto

Christie interviews that Big Ang is one of her best friends since Kindergarten. She’s “bubbly” and always down to do anything. Big Ang interviews that Christie’s the best always there when you need her.

Coney Island beach. Joey Lynn, Amanda and Valona are there with some guys. Joey Lynn interviews that Brooklyn guys think they’re the shit and are always trying to be funny. Cut to the guys thinking they are the shit and trying to be funny.

And when I say “dime,” I mean “slut who wants to fuck me.”

One of them catcalls a woman down the beach then gives us a dissertation on walking with a girl in the mall (“da mawl”) and having other guys look at her, which is why it’s only fair that he look at girls walking with other guys. Huh? Then he makes fun of a fat girl. Joey Lynn says her guy friends are typical Brooklyn “tools” and that’s why she wants a change.

Nick’s auto glass shop, where Nick’s brother Chris (Yankee trucker hat) is yelling at an underling about auto glass. Someone named Jen drops Christie off to confront Nick (Brooklyn trucker hat) about all the rumors. Oh, are we going to clear up this misunderstanding? Finally! Nick or Chris, I can’t tell which and I don’t care enough to rewind, says Christie is an old friend. Remember (or don’t, because I’m sure you have more important things to keep track of) that Nick is best friends with Roberto, Christie’s ex, who did or did not sleep with Joey Lynn months or years ago.

Christie confronts Nick about what Big Ang told her. He says it’s true, that he heard she was in the room with Joey Lynn and whoever else and Roberto. Christie yells at him for taking Joey Lynn’s side over hers and Nick calls her “Christie ‘Lies A Lot’ Livoti.” Christie yells “what’s your nickname?!” which really pisses him off.

Chris interviews that Nick’s old nickname from back in the day is “Nicky Beans” which means he lies a lot. Chris says that Nick “loses his noodle” when he hears that name. Huh? Beans, noodles? Pasta fagioli? WTF is he talking about?

“Tramp.” “Nicky Beans.” “That’s it, you’ve gone too far!”

Nick, who is suddenly irate, says Christie slept with the whole neighborhood. Christie yells “who did I sleep with?!” And he says “Let’s tawk!” and this literally goes on for 16 years. I just woke up with a foot-long beard and curly fingernails and they are still yelling. Then Nick threatens to throw a bottle of Mountain Dew in Christie’s face but it ends up mostly just exploding all over him.

Don’t make me do the Dew!

Chris interviews that his brother is “seriously, seriously psychopathic.”

Nick calls Christie a pig, she calls him a piece of garbage and other stuff that is bleeped out. They go back and forth, with Christie still screaming at him to tell her who she slept with and him yelling at her to get out… for another 16 years until finally she tries to leave.

Chris interviews that the scene “almost got ugly.”

Nick is yelling at Christie to call her boyfriend because he will smack the shit out of him. Nick grabs for her phone and says “call Matt.” Christie: “Grow up.” Nick: “Tramp.” Christie: “Who’s a tramp – you have no respect for women. Go to therapy, you psycho!” She leaves.

Well, that was productive.

Commercial interlude at Joey Lynn’s house. She and her mom and crew make a toast to her recently departed dog Rex. They discuss whether the ashes JL’s mom got from the vet are really that of Rex. The mom says probably not. Joey Lynn says what about when people are cremated? The mom says you have a better chance of getting the right ashes, but there are no guarantees. I happen to agree with Joey Lynn’s mom. At least regarding pet ashes. But anyway, this is still the worst show ever.

We resume our narrative at the auto glass shop. Chris says that Nick actually loves Christie and feels really bad about the fight but doesn’t know what to do. Nick says that Christie did push a button and he doesn’t like getting so out of control. But he says that Christie made him go nuts. Oh geez, isn’t that what all abusive boyfriends say? “You made me beat the shit out of you”? Yikes.

Christie and Jen are in the car talking about how crazy Nick is and he calls them and tells them to come back.

At Valona’s house, she is preparing to tell her mother about her tattoos. Valona’s scared because it’s against her religion. She speaks to Joey Lynn on the phone who asks her “how do you say ‘good luck’ in Muslim?”

Valona tells the mom and the mom says she’s very upset (although she looks calm) because Valona has “stamped herself for life.”

You’ve shamed the family but, eh, easy come, easy go

Valona tries to explain that’s she’s a rebel, etc., but the mom is like, “it’s done. Nothing more for me to say… unless you go to Dr. Zizmor,” which – hahahahahaha. Dr. Z is notorious in NYC for his cheesy subway ads.

Oh for christ’s sake. We’re back at the auto glass shop of despair. Christie comes back and she and Nick apologize to each other. She again brings up Big Ang and Nick says Big Ang is just starting trouble. Christie tells him she’s surprised he didn’t throw the Mountain Dew on her and he says he was soooo going to.

Sorry I called you a pig and a tramp, but you asked for it

Christie interviews that she and Nick have been friends for a long time and they fight but then they get over it. But she says the more she thinks about it, the madder she is getting because Big Ang should have stuck up for her.

Cute Matt’s house. He wants to know what happened at the auto glass shop. Christie says, “Nothing. We fought, then we made up. Leave me alone, I have a headache.” And an ulcer, don’t forget. But Matt wants to know what was said and if he should be mad. Christie’s like, “no.” Cue footage of Nick calling her a “pig” and a “tramp.” She tells Matt a sanitized version of the story again: “We fought, then we made up.” She does say something to him about Big Ang egging Nick on.

At least the puppy is still cute.

Oh, what a surprise! Who should be at the door, but Big Ang and some other people.

Who wants girl scout cookies?

Christie interviews that Big Ang is a troublemaker who has a big mouth and makes up stories. They hang out and Christie’s being all passive-aggressive towards Big Ang until Big Ang is like “what’s your problem?” Christie tells her that Nick said Big Ang made stuff up.

Big Ang interviews “Is Christie coming at me now?” Why, are you going to get in her face and yell at her until someone pulls you away?

Christie’s telling Big Ang that Nick said… oh my god, I can’t even keep track of this shit anymore. Anyway, she tells Big Ang about the fight and that Nick made her cry and Matt’s all like “huh?” Matt gets angry, which of course annoys Christie further. Matt says “you like it when he makes you cry?” He presses Christie for details about the fight but she still won’t tell him. They go out in the garage to talk but she still won’t tell him what Nick said. He’s mad and calls her a pathetic person.

Christie interviews that Big Ang messed up her friendship with Nick and now Matt’s mad at her and she doesn’t want to talk to Big Ang anymore. And that, my friends, concludes this week’s edition of Who the Fuck Cares About These Bitches.

Next week: Valona has a date. Nick says Joey Lynn is hot. Joey Lynn’s mom tells her to find someone outside the neighborhood. Hurricane Irene is coming. Big Ang says Christie’s a liar, not a pig.

Ughhh, I’m sorry that this recap is kinda lame, but I don’t have much to work with. This show makes Famous Food look like Downtown Abbey. Is anyone else watching this crap? Does anyone have any pharmaceutical recommendations to get me through the next four episodes?