Dare I say it, Gasmii, that this show might – just might – be growing on me a little? I mean granted, it’s still a complete waste of airwaves, but I’m finding the people (with the exception of Christie) slightly more likeable. Or do I just have Stockholm syndrome?
Previously: Nick told Big Ang that Christie was in the room and watched The Alleged Incident between Joey Lynn, the “other girl” and Christie’s ex Roberto. But then Nick told Christie that Big Ang is the one who made that story up. Christie said Big Ang is trying to stir up trouble and she is done with her.
It’s two days until Hurricane Irene is supposed to hit NYC. A scratchy radio report says Irene could be Category 3 storm and could wreak havoc upon the east coast. But that’s nothing like the havoc wreaked upon Bay Ridge by a single act of betrayal that may or may not have happened an indeterminate amount of time ago.
We open at the auto glass shop. Nick and Chris are sitting out front when Big Ang pulls up.
Chris calls Big Ang “the mouth that never stops tawking.” Big Ang informs them that Christie is mad at her and keeps texting her to that effect. Big Ang says (to the boys, not actually to Christie, of course) “do me a favor and spare your fingers the pain and stop texting me, I don’t give a fuck.” Big Ang says she innocently told Christie what Nick had told her, and “somehow” she ended up in the middle of all this drama.
Big Ang says that Christie called her a “clown” – over text, mind you – and Big Ang told Christie she’d rather be a clown and have fun than be a stuck up bitch like Christie. Why doesn’t any of this stuff happen on camera? All we ever get to see is people talking behind backs and lame confrontations where people just scream at each other.
Big Ang interviews that Christie is not treating her like a friend should, so she is going to treat Christie like “rat scum under my shoe.” Chris says he’s worried that Christie will sock Big Ang, but Big Ang assures him Christie won’t hit her because that would “unleash the beast.”
You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Oh please. I’ve yet to see any of these girls so much as pull someone’s hair.
Chris says he’s sick of Hurricane Angelina and Hurricane Christie and all their drama. He just wants everyone to be able to go home after the club and get laid. Can’t we all just get laid? That should be a t-shirt. There you go, Oxygen Network, that one was a freebie.
Big Ang continues chattering incessantly, calling Christie “Christie Little Liar Livoti” and saying she can’t trust her, etc., etc. Nick asks Big Ang if she is drunk because she won’t stop tawking. Big Ang says she doesn’t know Joey Lynn at all but she does know Christie and since she can’t trust Christie maybe Joey Lynn IS innocent.
She leaves them and they are like WTF just happened? Nick says where there’s drama there’s Angelina. He says even if it’s two girls she doesn’t know who are fighting, she will somehow find her way into the middle of it. Nick says they should get boxing gloves for Christie and Big Ang, lock them in the shop and let them kill each other. That would never work because Christie would just whine about how she was betrayed by boxing gloves once and also she has an ulcer.
Matt and John’s house. WHERE IS THE PUPPY? No puppeh in sight. Oh, but here is Christie bitching to Matt and John about the impending hurricane because she has to work on Sunday. She says she can’t work when these things happen because she has anxiety. Of course she does. She complains that first she was betrayed by Joey Lynn and now she’s been betrayed by Big Ang. Once the hurricane comes through and turns out not to be a big deal, she will feel betrayed by that too.
Why is anyone friends with this girl in the first place? We’ve never seen her happy or trying to have fun or doing anything other than complaining. Also, I keep getting distracted because in one scene she will have braces and the next she doesn’t. It’s driving me crazy. Did the editors think we wouldn’t notice? On the other hand, someone thought this shit would make good TV, so I’m guessing the answer to that is no.
Anyway, Christie says earlier that day she got a text from Nick telling her that Big Ang was at the auto glass shop tawking about her. John, who’s looking a little cuter in this episode, although never as cute as Cute Matt, gives a 15-minute discourse on how Big Ang always talks about people.
So basically, Big Ang always talks about people
Whatever, John. What did you do with the puppy? Christie says she wishes she’d never let Big Ang into her life to begin with.
No Quarter Tavern. It’s daytime and Joey Lynn is working. Valona comes in and Joey Lynn introduces her to the only bar patron as “Bologna.” Heh. Valona says she needs a job because she’s sick of not doing anything all day and she needs money. Joey Lynn says Valona can work there until she gets a “real” job.
Joey Lynn attempts to teach Valona how to make a Long Island Iced Tea, but Valona is having trouble with the cocktail shaker.
Pretend it’s Roberto’s dick
She eventually masters it, but decides that bartending isn’t for her. She’s going to keep looking and says she will do anything except stripping or hooking. She should really get a job at that place where Carla made $6,000 in one night. Supposedly that involved neither stripping nor hooking.
At Amanda’s house, Valona is straightening Amanda’s hair while Amanda complains that her boyfriend Sal is late. She calls him an asshole and says it’s obnoxious that he doesn’t have a car. He calls her and they have a lame
phone fight. They eventually agree to meet at someone’s house or on a corner or something (it really doesn’t matter). Meanwhile, Amanda’s dad is lurking around and adds his two cents, calling the boyfriend a “piece of shit” and a “loser,” complete with the Loser L on his forehead.
Ha ha parents are so cute when they are doing hand gestures from the 1990s. Amanda and her dad fight some more about her loser boyfriends until she leaves to go out with Valona. In the car, Amanda says she’s had it with her dad and wants to move out.
She and Valona finally meet up with Sal and his friend at the bumper car place, but she’s still a little mad at him for being late. He apologizes but she’s not having it. They go on bumper cars. Afterwards, Amanda interviews that she has to make Sal feel like shit for awhile because what kind of woman would she be otherwise? I don’t know, an adult one? “Besides,” she says, “he’s cute.” They make up (and make out) and everything is fine.
Thank god. If she were Christie, she would be pouting that he was late for at least two more years.
It’s now one day until Hurricane Irene and we are back at the auto glass shop. I don’t know if the boys wear the same clothes all the time or if the show just filmed all their scenes on one day. They complain about how tired they are and then Joey Lynn shows up. I like how people just keep randomly showing up at the auto glass shop. It’s like the Cheers of Bay Ridge. Joey Lynn interviews that she and Chris are best friends and she and Nick are friends, but she used to “go with him.” Like when, 1957? That’s totally something my mom would say.
Chris posits that Christie’s ex Roberto made up the whole sordid “did she or didn’t she” story to get props for sleeping with Joey Lynn. Chris says he doesn’t think Joey Lynn would do such a thing because she and Christie were such good friends and Joey Lynn wasn’t so much of a slut back then. What are you trying to say, Chris?
Chris, Nick and Joey Lynn discuss the Alleged Incident and they all seem to think that Christie is still in love with Roberto, otherwise why is she still talking about this shit when she has a new boyfriend. Because she was betraaaaaaaaayed. Duh.
Nick (I’m 85% sure it was Nick and not Chris) says that Joey Lynn was always hot, but she’s even hotter since she got her “tits” done. He says his brother should go for it. Which I don’t get because he used to date her, right? I’m so confused. But then Nick and Joey Lynn flirt about going out on a date, although it doesn’t look that convincing.
Amanda and Valona are looking at an apartment with a real estate guy. The apartment has a cutout in the wall and they joke about using it for a puppet show party.
Then they talk about how they love Joey Lynn but wouldn’t want to live with her because she parties too much and would be coming home when they are going to work. Valona calls her a “drinkin’ drunken vampire.” They agree to keep looking for a place just for the two of them.
At a restaurant called Pizza D’Amore, we meet someone named Jen who works there.
I’m Jen, I’ll be your server tonight and I’ll cut your balls off if you stiff me
Oh great, another Random Brunette to keep track of. Big Ang shows up to visit her and they go outside to talk about Christie.
Apparently Jen, Big Ang and Christie are supposed to all go on a triple date to Coney Island that night, but Big Ang doesn’t want to deal with Christie. Especially, she says, after what she’s going through with her dad. It seems that her dad is out on bail on racketeering charges. She interviews that he’s “gone away” twice already, and she hopes that there won’t be a third time. Okay, so this really is Mob Wives.
Jen asks what will happen if they go to Coney Island and run into Christie. Big Ang: “I’ll ignore her like she’s another fuckin’ crackhead on the street.” They discuss whether or not they should believe Christie about Joey Lynn and the Alleged Incident. (I believe Joey Lynn and the Alleged Incident was also the title of a Nancy Drew book.) Big Ang says that NICK told her there was another girl involved and Joey Lynn has been saying there was another girl involved the whole time. They don’t know WHO or WHAT to believe.
Big Ang says she doesn’t even know if she wants to be friends with Christie anymore because no one wants to be friends with a rat. (If she were really a rat, and this were really Mob Wives, Christie would be wearing a wire to send Big Ang’s dad back to jail, but god knows, Christie would probably complain that the wire was too wiry or something.)
Jen offers to talk to Christie, but Big Ang is only on board if Christie apologizes to her. Then she says “if we all die in this hurricane, we won’t be friends. See you in hell.”
Christie’s house and Matt is saying that he wants to go jet skiing in the hurricane tomorrow.
Oh Matt, you’re cute but you’re dumb. He says it will be okay to go in the morning since the hurricane isn’t coming until the afternoon. Christie yells at him and threatens to call his mother and embarrass him if he goes jet skiing. Then she says “don’t piss me off, you know how I am (plus I have an ulcer).” I think I remember that some idiots had to be rescued by the Coast Guard for jet skiing… no it was kayaking… during the hurricane. I wonder if that was Matt and his buddies?
Meanwhile, Jen calls Christie to see if she still plans to go to Coney Island that night. Christie puts her on speakerphone to say she doesn’t want anything to do with Big Ang because she causes problems that ruin other people’s lives. Okay, dramatic Donna. Matt’s visibly annoyed and says they’ll go and they’ll see her on the Cyclone, ha ha. (Get it? Hurricane, cyclone?) Oh Matt, you may be dumb but you do have a sense of humor. Christie’s still complaining about Big Ang and Matt is like get the fuck over it already, who cares. For reals.
Christie says that Big Ang is ruthless (which she pronounces it “roofless,” LOL) and she is never talking to her again. But she still agrees to go to Coney Island that night just so she can ignore in person or something.
Joey Lynn’s house. Nick has asked Joey Lynn to go to dinner and she doesn’t know what his intentions are. She says he’s a weirdo but he has a sweet side. Joey Lynn’s mom comes home and asks her why she’s going out with Nick and if that will cause problems among the girls. Considering that Christie takes everything as an affront, I’m guessing it will. Nick calls and says he has to stay at the shop until 7:30, then he has to go home and get a haircut and he won’t be able to make it her place until 9:30 or 10:00.
Joey Lynn says the restaurant closes at 10:00. He’s like “I told you I’m not going to that place.” Joey Lynn’s like “whatever.” She doesn’t seem mad, though – she and her mom and sister are dying laughing at what an idiot Nick is.
Joey Lynn says she needs to find a boyfriend and her mom says she’s too good for anyone in the neighborhood. Joey Lynn: “that’s what all the single people say.” Heh. I kind of like Joey Lynn. At least she has a sense of humor. Joey Lynn’s mom again tells her she needs to get out of the ‘hood and make a life for herself somewhere else. She tells her to call Nick and cancel because THEY are going out to eat.
Amanda is at dinner with her family. Her mom asks if she is really ready to get an apartment and pay her own bills.
I’m ready to get the apartment and have you pay all the bills
Amanda says she can do it, she just needs the money to do it. Everyone laughs and her brother says “I know how to write a check, I just need money in the account.” Amanda says she has it covered, she has money. Her mom’s like “you have money saved?” She says she does.
Amanda interviews that her mom is nervous about her supporting herself and paying rent, but she is confident she can do it. Her mom jokes that she will move out, but she’ll still be back every week to raid the refrigerator and do laundry. Her dad says they are going to change the locks when she moves out. Amanda and her family seem kind of normal too.
Coney Island. Big Ang is there with her boyfriend Anthony (whom I don’t believe we’ve met before), Jen and auto glass Chris. Big Ang interviews that they are at Coney Island because Hurricane Irene is coming and there might not BE a Coney Island tomorrow.
Christie and Matt are also at Coney Island.
Coney Island is too islandy!
She is moping along as usual and he asks her why she’s walking so slow. She then enumerates all the events “they” have coming up, like so-and-so’s engagement party and someone’s wedding. Matt’s like, “What do you mean ‘we?’” Heh. Matt interviews that Christie is tense, which makes him tense because she is in a miserable mood. DUMP HER already.
They run into Big Ang, et al. Jen says stop making it awkward. Christie tells Matt she wants to go home. Matt: “What else is new, Chris.” He says they’re going to have to be inside all weekend because of the hurricane and he doesn’t want to go home now. Honestly, Christie puts the wet in blanket. Oh, and I so need to go to Coney Island this summer.
Joey Lynn and her mother and sister are driving to a restaurant. Joey Lynn says she wants a tattoo on her wrist. Her mom laughs and Joey Lynn’s like “shut up, you got a tramp stamp when you were like 40.” At the restaurant, the ladies have some wine.
This is my new boyfriend, Pinot Grigio. He’s Italian.
Joey Lynn is still trying to figure out why Nick asked her out. She wonders if maybe it was joke. Her mom tells her not to waste time on these “11223 guys.” Listen to your mother Joey Lynn. Well, not about the tramp stamp, but about the boys.
Back at Coney Island, everyone wants to go on the Wonder Wheel except, you guessed it, Christie.
You’re really going to betray me by going on the Wonder Wheel?
She interviews that no, really, she is a fun girl, it’s just hard when all your friends are talking shit about you. Ugh, she is so annoying. She stays on the ground while Matt joins the others on the ride.
It’s hard to have fun when your boyfriend can just go on the Wonderwheel whenever he wants, especially when you have an ulcer and anxiety and there’s a hurricane coming.
Joey Lynn and her mom return home and the mom is drunk as a skunk. Joey Lynn says if she were under 18, she would put herself up for adoption. The dogs greet them by peeing all over the floor. Joey Lynn’s mom picks up one of them and pretends it’s beating up Nick and it’s kind of funny.
Then SHE does forehead L loser thing, and that must just be what parents do in Bay Ridge. Anyway, Joey Lynn says she needs to find a guy outside of Bay Ridge and she might even consider looking on the OTHER side of the Brooklyn Bridge. Go Joey Lynn, go.
At Coney Island, everyone watches fireworks as Christie stands off to the side, miserable.
Big Ang tells us she’s just going to ignore her unless she apologizes. Christie says she’d rather not make up with Big Ang. Jen feels awkward that they are ignoring one another and wants to fix it. Chris says they are acting like two little kids. Jen says the world could end tomorrow and Chris is like, “so make them make up.” Jen says she’s trying to. She grabs Big Ang in one arm and Christie in the other and tries to force them into a three-person hug.
It doesn’t really work, but Christie and Big Ang are now at least willing to talk to each other.
Somehow Nick has shown up for the Christie-Big Ang confrontation. Christie says that Big Ang has said a lot of fucked up things about her. Big Ang says whatever Christie’s heard, it came from someone’s (i.e. Nick’s) mouth. And Big Ang says to Nick that she did not call Christie a pig, she called her a liar.
Christie’s like, “what else?” Nick says to Big Ang, “you said everything I was saying, you might as well tell her everything you said.” What? I have a headache. Big Ang says she called Christie a liar and said she was sneaky. Big Ang says that she’s tried to talk to Christie about whatever the hell they’re fighting about like four times already and she is done.
I forgot what we were fighting about, but I hate you anyway.
Christie interviews that Nick does exaggerate, but at least half of what he said is probably true and that Big Ang is not a stand-up person. She says she is not her friend anymore.
And that is that. Christie loses yet another friend. My only question is, why is Cute Matt still with her? She must be amazing in the sack or something, because she is so unpleasant to be around. As far as this show goes, there is still not much happening, but I am starting to maybe kind of like Joey Lynn and her crew. And also maybe Big Ang too, because she just doesn’t give a shit about anything. She’s like the Honey Badger.
What did you guys think? (I mean, all four of you who are watching this crap…) Do any of you even have the slightest idea what the hell they’re even fighting about at this point? UGH.
Anyway, thanks for reading this crapfest, I’m sure it was hard to slog through. Oh, and by the way, Hurricane Irene turned out to be a dud, at least in NYC, so it’s fitting that they would try to use it as a symbol for this dumb show.
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