“Mooom! Oh, God, you will never believe what he’s gone and done now. He’s remarrying his first wife and he’s taking the kids on a one-month honeymoon to – wait for it – Europe.”
“Oh, honey, I stopped watching those trashy soap operas in 1982.”
“Joe! My trashy soap opera. The one that is MY life.”
And, seriously, Nora. I know you’re all distracted and whatnot and the show is going for a cheap laugh, but that was ridiculous. No wonder your kids can’t stand you half the time. Nora starts babbling some nonsense that is clearly lifted right out of a self-help book, and Sarah bitches that she feels like a pit stop on Joe’s road to eternal happiness with First Wife. Nora keeps quoting stupid shit and Sarah’s finally all, “Who are you?”
Remember the good ole days of Sarah and Joe? Yeah, me neither.
Nora snaps out of it and Sarah laments the fact that Joe can suddenly afford a one-month vacay in Europe, thanks to his washer and dryer jingle. Justin has wandered in at this point (with a “Yo” at Sarah and a nice kiss for Nora) and he’s like, “OMG. I looove that song!” And then, he fully sings the whole thing: “I’m not washin’ and dryin’, so stop screamin’ and cryin’. Start spinnin’ and grinnin’ with Twiiiiirrrllllll.” And he does this shoulder shimmy to complete the hilarity.
Sarah’s all, “Fine! If you love him so much, why don’t you buy his album for your girlfriend – oh wait. She dumped your sorry ass!” That shuts him right up. He says that’s not funny. In fact, that hurts him. Sarah just drinks her coffee and Nora has to yell at them to stop being mean to each other. Sarah says she has to go to work, where they are planning a “unity party.” Nora tries to back out, and Sarah explains that this is important and is about solidifying the transition (I guess of Sarah coming back?) but Nora doesn’t feel compelled to pretend that everything is fine when Tommy is missing. So, I guess since one of her children is gone, she’s going to neglect the others? That doesn’t make sense. Sarah and Justin say they ill be disappointed if she doesn’t go, but she just sort of shrugs it off and walks away. That was a bit out of character, I think.
Ojai. Rebecca is avoiding Ryan, who calls her on it, asking if everything is okay. She hasn’t been the same since their dinner, where he showed his fangs for the first time. He admits that he probably said some things he shouldn’t have said, and she flat out calls him on voting with her mom to get back at the Walkers. He does apologize, but by using Ojai and William as an excuse. She lets him off the hook anyway, telling him that she also acted out when she went through this. He’s curious, but she chooses not to tell him about making out with Sarah’s husband, and honestly, I don’t think anyone wants to relive that. He asks he to go to the Unity Party with him, and she agrees, lying to him that Justin won’t have a problem with it.
Kitty is talking to someone on the phone, whispering about how she’ll be there and no, Robert hasn’t left yet. Generally sounding uber suspicious when Robert walks in. Kitty starts to babble about how that was Kevin, telling her about Sarah’s party, and Robert tells her that she can stop because she already told him she wasn’t seeing Alec anymore, so it’s fine. She gives him a gift for going back to work (a framed picture of Evan for his desk) and it’s uncomfortable and awkward.
We cut to a flashback of Kitty making out with some guy, when the doorman buzzes up that her father is there. She freaks, throwing on pants that she only manages to pull up halfway, while telling the poor doorman to stall him. She rushes the guy out and puts on more clothes, grabbing a book and her glasses to complete the transformation. William Walker walks in, gives big hugs, and offers to take her to dinner at some fancy new place she told him about. He even got them to hold a corner booth for them. And I’m just going to tell you now that all of these flashbacks serve no purpose, plot wise, until the very last one, so if you want to get a snack or go to the bathroom during these scenes, feel free. And while I liked William well enough in the Pilot, he just gets skeezier every time I see him.
The park. Robert approaches Alec and demands that he never call the house again. So, I guess he didn’t believe Kitty before. Alec says he understands why he’s angry, and Robert gets very protective and territorial, but in an arrogant and generally gross way. He tells Alec that he’ll do everything in his power to protect his marriage, and he’s “a very powerful man.” Alec rightfully points out that that might be his problem, but Robert just storms off, angrily buttoning his jacket as he goes. You know, I really do love Rob Lowe, and I try so hard to remember him as my wonderful Sam and cut him some slack, but I just hate Robert so much.
We get the title card at an appropriate time this week, and not like halfway through the episode, for those keeping track.
Kevin goes to meet Robert in the parking garage and takes him upstairs, where the whole office has gathered for surprise party. Kitty is there and we realize that she really was talking to Kevin earlier, just about this instead of Sarah. Robert thanks everyone, but rushes off, telling them to have cake and coffee but no one wrote him a speech for this. I know he’s mad at Kitty, but that was still pretty rude. Kitty tells him about how she was talking to Kevin this morning, but he says he has a lot of work to do and leaves her standing there. She tries to leave, but Kevin wants to know what’s up. She insists that Robert just has a lot of work to do and she needs to go get Evan, and then Alec calls her cell and distracts her. She doesn’t answer, but does manage to get away from Kevin.
At Ojai, Sarah is talking to Joe on the phone, arguing that a month is a very long time and she still needs to think about it. Holly comes in then, with a fabulous idea for the Unity Party, to show the staff that they really are united and working together, and that they can even make fun of themselves. She wants to do a song and dance number. Ha! Sarah’s like, “Girl, you crazy. Oh wait, you’re an actress.” Holly realizes Sarah’s not in the best mood, and Sarah tells her about Joe. Holly doesn’t seem too upset for her, but does tell her that she’ll find the right person eventually. She did. Speaking of, I would have loved to see David’s reaction to her shenanigans. And also, why was he not at the party? Anyway, Holly suggests online dating, and Sarah agrees to do the number. Great, because Holly has the perfect song!
Saul is at Nora’s, wondering why she’s Googling private detectives. Really, Saul? You can’t figure that one out? Saul tells her that she can’t drag Tommy back and that he has to come home on his own. He asks her about the party, and she just says that she’s been miserable. Saul then reminds her that they don’t really need a detective, what with their government connections and all.
Speaking of said government connections, Robert is trying to boss Kevin around, but Kevin just wants to gossip about him and Kitty. Robert admits that she’s seeing someone, and Kevin can’t believe it. Robert says she could be “screwing him right now and I wouldn’t know.” Kevin is speechless and offers to talk to her, but Robert says not on his account. Kevin then asks if he wants to get drunk? Or … see strippers? Heh. He doesn’t know what straight guys needs in this situation. I guess gay guys don’t get cheated on. Or when they do, they don’t get drunk but go shopping or something? I’m honestly not sure what Kevin’s implying there, but he does get a laugh out of Robert.
Rebecca shows up at Justin’s, asking him if everything’s okay because she came as fast as she could. I guess he called her at work, which seems like a bit of overkill, but I guess he’s excited. He’s gotten a letter from a med school, and he didn’t want to open it without her since she’s the reason he decided to apply in the first place. She grabs the envelope, but he starts freaking out, grabbing her and it, but she eventually wrestles it from him. Of course, he got in, and they jump and yell excitedly, and then she totally kisses him, telling him she’s so proud. They stare at each other then, pause for only a second. And then they’re kissing, and taking clothes off, and Justin, in particular, looks like a dying man getting a breath of life. It’s like he can’t believe how perfect his life is in this one moment.
SQUEEEEEEE! Oh, was that me? No, it was some crazy fangirl. Over there.
Later, he’s wrapped around her, and they’re both content to stay there forever. Well, at least until the fall semester. He starts to talk about last night, but she’d rather not, since it’s still complicated with their families. He then asks her to not say anything about med school to his family at the party, since he’s applied to some other schools and he’d rather not deal with all of their loud and vocal opinions on the matter. Rebecca is just pleased with the idea of him being an up-and-coming med student with a high-powered Ojai Board Member on his arm, until she remembers that she’s already promised herself to Ryan for the night. Justin is as pleased with this news as you’d expect, but she insists that it’s complicated with Ryan. He doesn’t see how, so she tells him about Ryan’s theory about his mom’s death and how he thinks it’s William’s fault. Justin seems genuinely upset by this news, especially when Rebecca tells him about how there are expense reports as evidence. But, she does say that she won’t go with Ryan if he doesn’t want her to, but Justin tells her to go and be his friend. Because Justin is the most awesome person on this show. After Scotty. And Kevin. And maybe Sarah.
Kitty and Kevin are yelling and screaming at each other about The Affair That Never Really Happened. Kitty is arguing that she’s worried that she’s making a mistake with Robert and that she’s thinking of Evan and his future. Kevin very validly points out that the whole world can’t stop while she makes this decision, and then he asks if she slept with Alec. Of course she didn’t, but she tries to make herself look better by saying that anyone else in her position would have. Eh, that’s not saying much, dear. She then goes on about how Robert has never really let her in and how her and Evan clearly aren’t his first priority. She then says that he reminds her of their Dad, but that she refuses to just ignore and forgive everything and be like Nora. Kevin says that having an affair makes her more like William. Kitty and I both remind him that she’s not having an affair. (One kiss does not an affair make!) Kevin finally tells her that he’s not stuck in the middle (he’s on her side first and always, I assume), and then he gives her a hug, which is what he should’ve done in the first place instead of screeching at her.
Sibling Hugz = Luv
Nora is waiting for Robert in his office, and he thinks she’s there on Kitty’s behalf. Nora, of course, doesn’t know what he’s talking about, so she tells him that she was hoping he could help her find Tommy. He tells her that Tommy won’t necessarily want to talk or see her, but Nora just needs to know that he’s okay. He immediately says that he’ll make the calls and call her when he hears anything. She hugs him gratefully. That’s one of the things you can say about Robert – he’s always been there for the family.
Elsewhere, Alec is calling Kitty again and she goes into another flashback, where we see her on her radio show. William is there and she fields a call from her mother, but that’s not important. William gets a phone call, which he claims is business, and tells the person that he can’t because he’s in New York. The same person calls back, but he ignores the call, just like Kitty is ignoring Alec’s calls. Alright, I guess there is some relevance to these scenes, but they’re still really boring to watch.
Rebecca is getting ready for the party, and Ryan is creepily staring at her and tells her that she looks great. He mentions that she must have been at work very early this morning and she lies that she stayed over at her mom’s. He then thanks her for being his date and he kisses her. She literally almost leans away and full on opens her eyes wide, like, “How the hell do I get out of this one?” I don’t know how he didn’t notice that she was basically just standing there, still under his mouth, and that she completely froze and tensed up.
He’s like a T-Rex – if I don’t move, he won’t see me.
Unity Party. Sarah is wearing a bright red dress and is pleased to see Nora there. Sarah then tells her and Kitty that she will be singing a duet with Holly, and Nora hilariously is like, “Whaaat?!” Nora then tells Kitty about talking to Robert and says that he was just so supportive and so wonderful and he’s such a good man. Kitty half-heartedly agrees.
Speaking of, Kevin is telling Robert that while he loves his job, he also loves him and Kitty very much. So, he’d really appreciate it if they could just hurry up and work this out, because if they don’t, he’ll have to pick a side. And everyone knows whose side he’ll pick. Robert says it’s cool – he understands. He also says that he loves Kitty and that he does want the marriage to work. He even misses those “Walker Family Meltdowns.” One of which Kevin was supposed to be at two hours ago.
Back at the Unity Party, Justin is freaking out about Ryan kissing Rebecca, while she scolds him for overreacting. Justin decides that he and Ryan need to have a word, and he promises Rebecca it’ll be fine. So, I guess he doesn’t plan on disemboweling him or anything, which is a shame. I think this show needs more public disembowelment. Anyway, Justin approaches Ryan and tells him simply, if a little rudely, that him and Rebecca is not going to happen. Ryan’s like, “Really, dude? Cause we’re kind of on a date.” Justin clarifies for him that he and Rebecca are, in fact, not on a date and that actually, Justin and Rebecca are getting back together. “Really? Then why did she kiss me back?” And he does a funny little head tilt to show just how much this conversation is confusing him. And I’m sorry, but standing there, stock still, and letting you kiss her is not kissing you back.
I know you’re a vampire and all that, but your sparkling? Totally not scary, dude.
Justin can’t get over what a douche Ryan’s being, and wants to know if he even really likes Rebecca, or if it’s just some ploy to get back at him and his family. Oh yeah, he knows all about Ryan’s feelings toward William, and how that’s why he even started working at Ojai and teamed up with Holly to vote against them on the Board. Ryan corrects him that he did no ass-kissing, and that Holly actually approached him. Which makes it better how? We don’t know, because he just storms away. But not before Sarah hears the entire thing. And she looks PISSED.
Holly runs up to her just then, saying that they’re on, and Sarah literally goes, “I could kill you right now.” No, Holly says, she’s just nervous! Heh. “Music!” While various Walkers look either excited (Saul) or humiliated (Rebecca), “Let’s Call the Whole Thing Off” starts playing. And, just in case any of you have never heard this song or seen “When Harry Met Sally”, here’s the gist: Holly is supposed to say “potato” while Sarah is supposed to say “potahtah.” “Tomato.” “Tomahtah.” Get the picture?
So, to screw Holly over, Sarah just keeps repeating exactly what Holly is saying, which obviously defeats the purpose of the song. She also sings it in a monotone, with her arms crossed.
Holly: “Ojai potato. Ojai …”
Holly: “Ojai tomato. Ojai …”
Both: “Let’s call the whole thing off!”
Oh. My. God.
Sarah then hits Holly in the head when she throws her arms out for the big finale, while various Walkers now look appalled. Off stage, Holly is yelling at Sarah for deliberately sabotaging their routine. Sarah says she’s lucky she didn’t pull her sash off and choke her with it. Oh, did I forget to mention that they were wearing sashes? That say, “Ojai Produce?” And on top of that, their microphones are still on, so everyone can hear them? Because they are and they can. Saul and Nora hustle to find them, as Sarah accuses Holly of manipulating her into hiring Ryan so that Holly could have his vote. Ryan does not look happy. Holly wants credit for all the hard work she’s done, but Sarah points out that the only hard work Holly’s ever done is getting her father in the sack. Kitty’s mouth falls open, scandalized, and now she’s hunting them down. Holly then claims that Sarah is just upset because Joe is remarrying, and Sarah claims that Holly doesn’t even know what genuine emotions are.
Holly finally just asks if Sarah really thinks she’s a sociopath, and Sarah’s like, “Um, have you been listening to me?!” Holly then tells her that she’s just unhappy, and Ryan shows up then, asking if they’re done fighting over him. Sarah says she wasn’t even aware it was a competition, and he’s all, “Whateves, bitches, you can both go to hell!” Which is a bit rich of him, given that everything Sarah said was absolutely true and he knew exactly what he was getting into with Holly. I’m not sure where his anger in this scene is coming from, except maybe from embarrassment at being caught, but it’s not really played that way. Eh, I’m over him.
Everyone is here now, but Ryan doesn’t want to talk to any of them. Nora tries t o calm him down, but he screams that he doesn’t want to talk to her, either, especially since she got him into all of this. Which is not at all true. She didn’t approach Ryan about any of this at all. She spoke with his father and Ryan made the decision to contact her. She only ever supported him and loved him and he’s acting like a spoiled little brat. He tells Rebecca that he’s going to go pack his things and that would all of them PLEASE just leave him alone. Yeah, because Nora and Rebecca asked your sorry ass to move in with them. Sarah begged you to work at Ojai and screw her over. Rebecca gave you any indication, at all, that she wanted you to kiss her. Go cry me a river, loser.
Everyone is reeling from that little display of awful, and Kitty just wants to know what in the world made Ryan lose it so severely. Justin says that it’s his fault and that he shouldn’t have talked to him. He then explains to the whole Fam Damily that Ryan thinks William is responsible for his mother’s death. Kitty looks thoughtful and asks where they were when this whole thing supposedly went down. They were in Reno, which sends Kitty straight into another flashback. I keep thinking I hear that “whoosh” that we get going into the “Lost” flashbacks (or flashforwards!), but I guess it’s just in my head. William is on the phone with someone (Connie), telling her that he can’t come to Reno right now, and that they’ll talk about whatever later. Kitty comments that it sounds like he’s dealing with a crazy person and William says that this is what happens when someone wants to “change the terms of the contract midway through.” That’s lovely, isn’t it? William says that he’s trying to terminate the relationship, and that by going to Reno, he’s doing damage control.
And now, Kitty has come to see Ryan at Rebecca’s, where he is packing just like he said he would. No, Kitty! Just let him pack and leave! She tells him that she came to talk to him and he positively yells at her, “WHAT DO YOU WANT?” She tells him that she thinks he’s on to something – that her father hurt his mother very deeply. She tells him about the phone call with a woman named Connie, who she thought was a business associate at the time. He was planning on meeting this woman in Reno, where Kitty believes he was going to break it off with her. Kitty swears that she loved her father, but that he could be a tough son of a bitch. He had these terms that he judged his relationships by, and that if you tried to change them or change him, he would cut you out of his life. He sounds like a top notch guy, eh? Ryan is suddenly calm now, and a bit teary, and he thanks her for telling him. He needed to know. And I get that. I do. And if his behavior had been at all rational, or even just not completely hateful and mean-spirited, I could have some sympathy for him. But right now, I don’t.
Back at the Unity Party, Sarah is drowning her sorrows when Scotty (!) comes in to save the day. First, he thinks she’s upset about the dessert or the bill, but it’s not that. It’s not even Joe getting remarried or the kids going to Europe (they’ll love it). Scotty wasn’t even aware that Joe was getting remarried, and clarifies that Sarah doesn’t want to be back with him. Me and Sarah: “Oh, God, no!” But we’re lonely. Er, she’s lonely. And Holly, her nemesis, busted her on it. She wants to meet her soulmate, and Scotty is immediately like, “Then you shall do it.” She starts complaining about how she’s a single mom who is over 40, but Scotty isn’t having it. She will find a way, no matter what else is going on. “There’s an amazing guy who has been waiting his whole life to meet you. You just have to find him! I mean, look at me – I was living in my car when your brother and I finally got together.” You can be that happy, too. I know you can. I believe in love and I believe in you. I know you can do it because Kevin showed you how. I showed you both.
Even my funny faces are more awesome than you.
Walker Manse. Robert calls Nora, and tells her that he knows where Tommy is. Does she really want to do this? No. She needs to.
The Park. Kitty is waiting for Alec, which we know, because Evan is not with her. Alec recognizes that as not a good sign. She doesn’t even know what to say. Except that she’s married. And anything she wants to say, she can’t because of that. He smiles. Knew it would probably come down to it. Either you’re ready to let your marriage fall apart or you’re not. And Kitty was always a fighter. He looks at her one last time. Says goodbye and knows it’s for good.
Ojai, where Holly and Sarah have to make things work. Holly tells Sarah that she did not know about his mother, and therefore that he had nefarious goals, which Sarah believes. Sarah then calls down to the loading dock to see if Ryan came in this morning. He actually did, and Holly goes to check their options. Legal, I assume? I don’t know. Anyway, when Holly leaves, Sarah continues to work on her profile for “Pleasant Connection”, which sounds totally shady. But good for her? I guess?
Senator Ranch. Kitty tells Robert that she spoke with Alec and that it’s all completely over. But, she doesn’t recognize herself anymore. She doesn’t recognize the wife she’s become. She doesn’t want to cheat and she doesn’t want to hurt Evan. She doesn’t want to be her father. Robert just wants to know what she wants to do. She thinks they should take some space, so they can try and find their way back to when they were good. When she was strong and beautiful and he was committed and warm. He clarifies that she wants a separation, and she’s like, “I guess?” He doesn’t really know what to say to that, so we cut to a happier place.
Justin and Rebecca are lounging on his pull-out sofa, which I still think is a nice touch. He tells her about this bizarre dream where her mother and his sister were singing show tunes in tomato-red dresses. Rebecca’s like, “For reals. Except in mine, we were totally orphans.” And then she talks about sailing off to Thailand and encountering pirates, which Justin totally loves. But, his dreams are a little more realistic. You see, he’s a doctor and she’s an amazing photographer. They go for walks on the beach and go hunting with their dog, Buster. Rebecca nor I approve of that name, but he shuts us both up when he tells her to marry him. And he is serious. That’s his dream – to be a doctor, a husband, and a father, and it’s all because of her. She makes him possible. Aw, I like that. She sits up, tells him that he makes her feel the same way. “Then marry me.” She wipes a tear away, tries to picture her life with him. And it’s perfect. They’re beautiful. She says yes, and he grabs her face, kissing her and holding her, and knowing that he can do it everyday for the rest of his life. She makes him possible.
Isn’t he just lovely?
And in the middle of nowhere, Nora Walker steps off of a little bus, searching for her perfect life. The perfect life that she can’t have until she finds her son and brings him home.
Next Week: The Mexican, Mother’s Day, Season Finale Event! All of the Walkers go to Mexico to try and save stupid Tommy. And yes, stupid Tommy is in the episode.