Buzzin: Shtickers

Do you have any friends or coworkers who take way too much time to tell a story? They really only need about 40 seconds for set up and punchline, but some how they drag the tale on until your eyes glaze over and your mind wanders to thoughts of grocery lists and bills to pay.

Buzzin’ is a bit like listening to your longwinded friend’s pointless story. A tiny problem presents itself and then for 20 minutes the cast dances around, accomplishing nothing and wasting our time.

The big dilemma this week? Cisco’s name isn’t on the CD samplers the boyz will bring with them on their radio tour.The episode begins in the wee hours of the morning, when Cisco and Shwayze get ready to do Ryan Seacrest’s morning radio show. The editing of this scene would have you believe that they are waking up at 4:30, but I’m willing to bet that actually the boyz have just made their way home from a hotel after party.

THANK YOU, RED BULL

At Seacrest’s show, their song “Buzzin” makes its big radio debut. Everyone agrees it’s sure to be the summer hit. Now, as a person currently living in this summer, I have to just raise my hand and ask a quick question. Has anyone heard this song blowing up all over the radio? I ask this honestly and not in my usual snark mode. I’m old beyond my 20-odd years and don’t know what the kids are listening to these days. But for all of the hype this song gets, and even its own MTV show and, practically, it’s own Pontiac car, I’d think there’d be a whole lot more of it.

Once they listen to “Buzzin” and Cisco and Shwayze dance along with glee, Seacrest delves into a little of the boyz background. “So Cisco,” he begins, “You’re from Malibu, but the trailer park in Malibu.” To which Cisco nearly throws down his ugly hat and shouts, “Hell no! I’m rich, bitch!”

But instead, Shwayze chimes in to explain that it is he who in fact grew up in the trailer park.

THAT’S WHAT MAKES HIM SO DERN FASCINATING

After that wraps, it’s only about 8:00am, and the boyz don’t know what to do with themselves at such an early hour. So they decide to (probably) get some breakfast and then they drop by their record label, Suretone, to visit their manager Jordan.

THIS IS WHAT AN OFFICE LOOKS LIKE. IT’S WHERE REAL PEOPLE COME TO DO SOMETHING CALLED “WORK.”

As they approach Jordan’s office, his assistant, a stylish looking young man in a cap, calls out, “Jordan, the guys are here!” I guess Jordan values vagueness and informality in his company.

Jordan congratulates the boyz on their radio appearance and lays out their upcoming plans for a nationwide radio tour. They’ll start tomorrow, heading to the east coast. Seems easy enough, but the boyz are bound to screw it up somewhere along the line because Jordan won’t be with them for the first few days. He’ll be on a vacation in Mexico with his family.

BUT I’LL BE THINKING OF YOU TWO THE WHOLE TIME

The boyz go home to pack and prepare for their next big journey. Then, everyone’s favorite boner, Dave Patton, drops by with 40,000 CD samplers for them to pass out at all of the stations they visit. Immediately, Shwayze tears open one of the boxes to take a gander at his first CD. He’s all smiles and “oh snap”s until he notices something is missing. Cisco’s name is nowhere to be found. No “featuring Cisco.” No “produced by Cisco.” Nothing.

Dave! What the hell?!

“Well I wasn’t in charge of the artwork…err..err.”

PLEASE DON’T HAVE ME FIRED

This is not good. And there’s no time to fix them before the radio tour. And probably no way in hell that the label would pay for yet another 40 thousand CDs to be made. Then Dave, in another brilliant move, suggests they go show Cisco the cover. Yes, great idea. Go piss him off with no solution to improve matters.

But there’s still hope. Shwayze and Warren come up with a plan. They’ll just have stickers made that say “Featuring Cisco Adler,” and then they’ll stick em on the front of the CDs. Badda bing badda boom.

STICKERS FIX EVERYTHING. I USED ONE TO FIX THE LEAKY ROOF.

Dave’s all, “Not so fast, wiseguys. I better tell Jordan about this.” But Shwayze assures him that will only slow them down. Not to mention it would be totally loserific of him.

So Dave lets them be and they go off to Sticker Land for their quick fix.

They hop on a plane and they’re eastward bound. On the way there, Warren reminds Shwayze that they should probably make with the sticking-on of the fabulous stickers. Shwayze thought that Warren had been doing that for the whole flight so far, but Warren was actually busy drinking “brewskis” with the anonymous old man sitting next to him.

WHERE AM I?

With the help of Ol’ Man Brewski, the boyz are able to sticker enough CDs for the first leg of their tour.

They drop by stations in NY and PA. Sometimes they perform “Buzzin” live. Sometimes they take pictures with the station’s staff. Always they seem to keep Cisco from getting a look at the infamous Featuring sticker. I don’t know quite how they achieve this, but then, I don’t even understand why this whole show exists so I’ll just be the patient observer.

Still, even though they’re getting away with it, Warren and Shwayze start having doubts about their little scheme. On the train to their next interview, they steal a moment to discuss things out of earshot of Cisco. They conclude that yes it was a bad idea, but no they can’t do anything about it anyway.

GOOD THING THIS TRAIN HAS BEER ON IT

The next stop is a radio station in Philly. Their interview is a lot of the same old same old, until their banter with the jolly DJ leads them to a discussion about which celebrities numbers they have in their phones. Cisco offers up Hugh Hefner’s name and right away the DJ asks them to call the guy for an impromptu on-air chat.

WE’VE GOT BROS IN DIFFERENT AREA CODES

Ring ring. Ring ring. Someone picks up. Cisco says, “What’s up? It’s Cisco looking for Hef.” Well isn’t he cool? A moment later, Hef comes on and starts chatting away.

Ok, but it’s not exactly Hef. It’s just Warren standing in the hallway on his cellphone doing the old man voice he learned from Ol’ Man Brewski on the plane.

AM I ON THE OLD TIMEY MUSIC BOX?

After the show, the boyz drive off in their stylish minivan, discussing their little prank. Cisco says it was the “most classic” thing he’s ever seen. He didn’t go so far as to say it was the “funnest” or that it was “more better” but he was thinking it. We all were.

When they get to their next stop on the tour, the shit hits the fan. Cisco finally gets a look at the secreted CD samplers and he is not pleased. The stickers, he concludes, are messed up looking.

As they head out to their minivan to leave, Cisco confronts Warren about the CDs. “What’s with the weird stickers?”

“I, uh, I mean. That’s just how they are.”

This, surprisingly, does not put Cisco’s mind at ease. So he calls Shwayze over for more info. He’s bound to give him a straight answer, just like he always does.

“Shwayze. What’s wrong with the samplers?”

UH…WHAT SAMPLERS?

In their botched, stuttering efforts to cover their asses, Shwayze and Warren basically tell Cisco that Dave Patton is responsible for the stickers. This shuts Cisco up, but it doesn’t make him feel more better.

The boyz go on to their next interview, where Shwayze is hellbent on cheering Cisco up and giving him his due credit. “Cisco invented my name…Cisco writes all of the music…Cisco is my world and everything in it.” As he goes on and on, Cisco shifts uncomfortably in his chair and tries to shut Shwayze up by commanding him to “chill out.”

DUDE, NOT COOL

After that fiasco, they’re on to NYC. Warren and Shwayze pay a visit to some of Warren’s friends while Cisco hangs back at the hotel. As they finish up dinner, Warren calls Cisco to see if he plans on coming out on the town with them. But he claims to be tired and turns them down. Ruh-roh. Looks like someone’s still sore about the CD sampler.

Shwayze and Warren try to come up with a plan to make Cisco feel better. A plan that does not involve stickers. One of Warren’s friends chimes in. This guy is identified as Charles, Warren’s business parter. What business? Anyway, Charles is some guy with a comically heavy French accent suggests, “Why don you geeet heeem a beeeellboard een Times Square?”

IN FRANCE, EVERYONE HAS BEEEELLBOARD

But instead, on their way to the bar, the guys come up with a better plan. They’ll put a picture of Cisco on one of those moving truck billboards. What the heck are those called? Anyway, they’re doing it.

They put in a call to band assistant Lauren and have her send along a picture of Cisco. Topless Cisco.

And the next morning, just in time for full calamity to ensue, Jordan shows up.

Cisco greets him in the hotel lobby and gets right to the point. “Have you seen the stupid stickers Dave Patton put on these samplers?” Jordan furrows his brow. He had not seen the stickers. But he knows one thing for sure: Dave Patton would not do this.

HE DOES WHAT I SAY

So they call up Shwayze to get to the bottom of this. Shwayze responds to Jordan’s questions with, “Yeah whatever. Come to Times Square right this minute.”

Confused but unable to resist their curiosity, Jordan and Cisco head to Times Square. There, they spot a truck billboard with Topless Cisco and the uncertain phrase “Cisco Adler Presents.” Presents what?

EXACTLY

To make matter worse, Shwayze’s on the loudspeaker shouting Cisco’s name. Oh boy…

Cisco is not pleased. He’s embarassed and, probably, second guessing his involvement with Warren and Shwayze.

When the boyz hop out of the car to talk to him, he says “Cisco Adler presents a naked Cisco Adler? It looks like a ballet ad.” Within a few minutes, everyone concurs this was a stupid idea.

Then, the truck driver comes out and asks who’s going to foot the bill for this ridiculous undertaking. They all point their fingers at Jordan, who shrugs, rolls his eyes and says his catch phrase. “That’s my Shwayze!”

Ok, it doesn’t exactly end that way. But it feels like it could.