Cashmere Mafia: Electric Boogaloo

Welcome back to the land of the privileged and delusional! I know you all couldn’t wait to get back to Cashmere Mafia, where the gender stereotypes abound like the designer clothes and the bad writing soars like my credit card debt. It’s a good day to be alive, people. We’re planning a sanctioned affair, talking more girl-on-girl and getting some Krista Allen up in here to cause trouble! This show may be the worst idea since Forever Eden, but it’s fun when you take the ride on my magic carpet. Let’s go!

Ah, to the fresh sounds of lovable pop sensation Mika, we open on each of our four friends getting ready for the day. Caitlin and Zoe rummage through Mary Poppins-style carpet bags which rival the worst of junk drawers, while stone cold Juliet and Mia revel in organized closets containing perfectly folded designer clothes and new Gucci handbags still in boxes. I realize we live in a polarity universe and all, and therefore I’m either an uptight and bitchy woman or an unhinged and scattered woman, but watching this show is like taking one big never ending YM quiz. What kind of girl are YOU? A crazy gal down for anything or a no-nonsense go-getter?? You rule!!

For all of you not watching at home, Caitlin has what appears to be a professional grade hairdryer in her handbag. And for the record, I recently found a report card from third grade and some old Manic Panic hair dye, so I’m clearly one of the wacky gals, who’s also still resting on those primary school laurels and not quite out of that teen angst phase yet.

And we’re off to the races, people. Mia is starting day one as publisher and, man, is it AWESOME to be her. She’s got a roomful of gifts waiting for her, like she’s got the Christ child in tow. Howard Stern delivered her muffins, the mayor sent her something, too. I don’t believe it. I recently saw Bloomberg on Celebrity Apprentice and I know he comes by in person to give his approval. But, the best thing of all, the pièce de résistance, is the three foot tall tree full of sunglasses! It’s a metaphor, y’all. Her future is so bright she has to wear, like, three hundred shades!

But can you TOP THAT, Lucy Liu??

Apparently the plant that blossoms Ray Ban flowers is from Valerie Cherish’s husband, Mark, who left Val, moved to New York and became gay. Okay, maybe I’m still too attached to The Comeback and its untimely death five years later, but I demand to know: who cast this man to play gay?? Because his brain has clearly computed “act gay” to mean “act super creepy”. I mean, is anyone else feeling violated just looking at the guy?

In Mark’s mind, every gay hug begins with a sizing up of the muffin top.

So moving onto Zoe’s life, we get the best news ever: God has sent Krista Allen down to show these bitches how it’s done. So, let’s admit it: Krista Allen is a hot piece and we’ve all had a soft spot for her because she’s had an uphill battle getting some credibility in this world. As it turns out, starting out your career stripping down in Emanuelle movies and then following up that slick move by playing Girl #214 in George Clooney’s Real Life doesn’t garner the respect you might think. We feel your pain, because who could have seen that one coming? (And who can forget that scene in Unscripted where she goes to meet a director she thinks wants her for a great role in his movie, and it turns out he really wants her son in the movie. Awk-ward! Who was that director, by the way? Does anyone remember? Another show I loved that made the viewer cringe for thirty minutes straight.) So, homegirl knows how to take it and I dig that. Heart you BIGTIME, K-Al. You know who I don’t heart? Everyone else on this show.

Krista plays Victoria and she is a breath of fresh air from our go-getting set. She’s all track suits and smug smiles and she is totally one of the stay-at-home moms I hang out with at the Brentwood Country Mart. (At least I pretend I’m one of them when I go there. Mental visioning, people. I learned it from The Secret.) Anyway, we immediately know that Krista wants to make a move on Zoe’s man when she tells Zoe that her husband is “adorable”. That’s blue chip Manhattan-speak for “I wanna take him down to Chinatown”. Yes, girl, yes. Take him down to Chinatown. On behalf of all five viewers at home, we want to see you take him way down.

I’ll be having sex with your husband. Thanks!

We have some stupid pseudo lesbian banter between Caitlin and Vanessa from Six Feet Under which in this day and age not even grandmothers in Flyover Land are buying, so go home, girls. Thanks for playing.

After Gray’s Cilla incident, Juliet and Gray are finally in therapy. And it’s not smiles times, gang. Watching therapy on television has to be a level of hell in Dante’s Inferno, or at least mine. Even in The Sopranos my eyes would roll back in my head every time Tony told Dr. Malfi about another freaking dream. May I please find a focus group to voice my opinion on this issue? Who thinks people whining about their problems makes for interesting television? (Needless to say, I won’t be recapping that new Gabriel Byrne show.) It makes all attempts to solve problems through therapy seem trite, canned and boring. Please make it stop. And did these two get in their notes to act as unlikable as possible?

Juliet describes her and Gray as a “New York power couple”. My apologies if that just made you throw up a little in your mouth. These people make me never want to get married, which would mean all my countless hours of MILF practicing at the Brentwood Country Mart are a complete waste of time and I’m not going out like that. I can no longer speak of them. Okay, I guess I have to, but it will be begrudgingly and passive-aggressively. Much like the relationship of these two.

See? Even your shrink thinks you suck.

Now it’s back to Girls’ Power Lunch and the girls are armed with the revenge sex spreadsheet for Juliet. And this must be one weak spreadsheet because they come up with the douchiest looking dude ever. In a classic move of the modern woman, they google (It’s a verb now, people. Accept it.) his picture on the spot, and I can’t say I don’t do that myself. But this man needs to get his headshot from 1986 off the internet ASAP, because that kinda thing is embarrassing in, you know, 2008. Either way, I cannot wait to meet him. His name is Bobby Walsh (I accidently typed Nobby Walsh first, so that’s going to be his name from here on out) and they call him “the one who got away”, which is probably because he had to go back in time to get his Wham! album and Tawny Kitaen poster. Zing! Of note: it sounds funny when Lucy Liu says “booty-calling”.

The other big news of the lunch is that Caitlin might be a lesbian. She hadn’t mentioned her boring kiss from last episode and this sends the gals into a tizzy. Juliet is the one that doesn’t get it while Mia just writes it off as Caitlin once again being totally trendy! Like you know how last season everyone wanted to get knocked up? Well, now all those preggo women are making out with other women! Lesbians are the new babies! (That’s a direct quote.) I can’t figure out if that’s more retarded or offensive. Caitlin said to hold up because she’s not ready to “join a union” yet and I think that someone should let her know that there’s not actually a “gay union” to join.

Those people holding signs outside of Paramount everyday aren’t gay, sweetie.

Gay Mark/Grant shows up to creep us out again and Clive, the stuffy British dude who promoted Mia, makes an office visit to tell her to fire Gay Mark, because he sucks as head of marketing, which is likely because I’m sure it’s a full-time job making people feel molested every time they look at you. (By the way, who is above publisher of a media group? Does someone know what her boss’s title would be other than Resident Douchebag?) Lucy Liu is all mangled because Gay Mark is her friend, but he’s a sinking ship that doesn’t notice he’s on the payroll for something other than awkward quips, so he’s toast and thank god.

Caitlin and Juliet engage in a lame phone conversation that anyone at home could write knowing that Caitlin is written as your average slut and Juliet is your average frigid bitch. Have at it! Basically the conversation ends in a surprise makeover for Juliet, which is really how all girls solve their problems. Seriously, I lost my wallet last week and let’s just say I now know the joy that a perm and some tattooed eyeliner can bring when you’re feeling a bit down.

And eff yeah, we’re back to K-Al. And what the heck is she doing in NY in that track suit? She’s so LA, I just want to scoop her up, bring her back home and take her to Pinkberry. She feeds Zoe’s kids tofu and steamed veggies and took them to Build-A-Bear that day, where they made “Working Mom Bear”, complete with a bluetooth and an “I’m-too-busy-for-you-kids!” catch phrase. Cue the violins, everybody, because this one is gonna melt Joan Crawford. Valerie insists she had nothing to do with it and Zoe is cowed. So hot. This show is convincing me that passive-aggressiveness is some kind of currency, in which case, I’m rich, bitch! (Dave Chappelle style) Oh, Zoe, she has beaten you into submission and now you must have dinner with her and your spouse the following evening where she will without a doubt hit on your husband in front of you. K-Al used to kill vampires naked.

You’re a little out of your league here, sweetcheeks.

So Juliet now has her F*ck Me Hair, but she’s still too chicken to call Nobby, so Caitlin does it for her and I think she’s going to fax him a “circle yes or no” note, too. I know we discussed last week that this was like high school, but these “women” are now taking it to middle school. But, I can see why Juliet couldn’t be bothered with Nobby herself, because she’s got a full load being passive-aggressive with her husband. I sure am learning how to really be a great wife watching this show. Did I mention that I’m single, boys?

The mafia meets that night to catch everyone up on all the whackings and such and it turns out Caitlin lied to Nobby and told him that it’s some “B-school reunion” when it’s really just going to be him and Juliet. Just like a good organized crime captain! Again, if the captain were in sixth grade. And oh, what’s this? In walks Zoe pouting about Working Mommy Bear. GO HOME, WOMAN! Maybe your kids wouldn’t hate you so much if you went and played with them instead of crying into a martini about how much they don’t like you! Dude. Maybe you should have practiced at the Brentwood Country Mart before you decided to procreate. They talk about starting a gang war between stay-at-homes and workings, but Mia quickly shuts it down because they have a reputation to uphold as weakest mafia evs.

I’ll whack this bear. I swear I will!

And now, what we’ve all been waiting for: Dinner with K-Al and Adorable Husband! It’s like she had a sixth sense that Zoe would be stuck at work! Valerie’s husband’s name is Strauss and I think that gives her carte blanche to make a pass at anyone not named Strauss. And, holy hell, she is coming in with guns blazing and propositions the poor sap within one minute! Oh, man. Even I underestimated her! She says he can redeem the coupon anytime and he doesn’t shut it down. Well played all around.

Zoe appears whilst Emmanuelle has Adorable Husband in her tractor beam and her Mary Louise Parker eyes have me almost feeling sorry for her. But, alas, she is not the fair MLP. We find out that Zoe’s husband has a job as a reputable architect which is surprising because they keep trying to pass him off as Mr. Mom. Anyway, clever K-Al asks Adorable architect to redo her kitchen which will be featured in Architectural Digest and no one at the table has to guess what that means. Especially when he’s all, Oh yeah, girl. I can do it. Oh, please god, keep this woman on this show forever and ever! Or for the six episodes that it lasts.

Oh, and never mind! I forgot that we were really all waiting for was…to meet Nobby Walsh! And, oh man, does this gent not disappoint. He is this marvelous bunny-teethed human rabbit specimen with the same haircut from his 1986 headshot. This man is a treasure. I only wish I could have been in on the casting session for this character. (No, no. Not rabbity enough, people! Juliet is his human carrot! Find him!!) They struck gold with this one. Within one minute I am rallying for Nobby to have his own spin-off. Maybe they can reinvent him as Nobby Walsh, P.I. which has an amazingly catchy ring to it.

I’ve lost my carrot and there’s only one bunny I trust to find it!

Oh, but where was I? We have a story in progress. Juliet fesses up to the truth behind the get together and Nobby Walsh lays some bad acting on us. And he has been carrying a carrot-like flame for Juliet this whole time! Gangbusters! Unfortunately Juliet is now torn up with some Libra-like indecision, although we all know she’s way too lame to be an actual Libra. Nobby Walsh is a patient little bunny though. Just how I like ‘em.

No one on the CM staff seems to have been to a club since the Night at the Roxbury days, and while neither have I, I can safely bet that clubs these days look nothing like the “discotheque” Caitlin and Alicia are dancing all shiny, glittery at and they sure as hell aren’t playing the music we’re getting. I have a myspace account. I know what the young people are listening to. So, layering lameness upon lameness some former Wall Street fling of Caitlin appears on the scene all stoked that Caitlin is bi-curious. And, like a true member of the Cashmere Mafia, she panics, cowers and denies, rightfully pissing off Alicia. Atta girl!

Please don’t do this to me. I don’t have another show to go back to!

Back at the ranch, Zoe is begging her man not to take the job with K-Al and even calls her out on the advances she made at dinner before Zoe’s arrival. But, for the sake of a halfway intriguing plot, husband does not seem to be backing down which I hope means K-Al stays around as permanent guest star, Amanda Woodward style.

And now we get the big firing of Gay Mark scene at an art gallery which Mia does with surprising ease. I chalk it up to the fact that he reaches an all-time creepy high by lurking like an NBC dateline predator behind Mia while she does his job. Things would be smoother if Caitlin hadn’t barged in like a maniac freaking out about freaking out at the discotheque. I’m not one to push pharmaceuticals, but these bitches need a Xanax. Then Gay Mark causes a scene by saying she’s a back-stabber when she fires him, but her fake bangs cause an even bigger scene in my book. They made her have “bangs” by flipping a ponytail over her forehead, people. I haven’t lived in New York City since 2002, but that cannot be de la mode. You can take me many places, CM, but I will not go down the path of the ponytail bangs with you.

They shoot ponies, don’t they?

Next day Mia’s episode with Gay Mark is on Gawker.com. Oh, silly CM. You can’t name drop Gawker and suddenly be cool. It doesn’t work that way. But things are looking up for Mia because we learn that much like the British monarchy knights brave men, she has the divine right to bestow bright futures upon others. In what seems to be a really humiliating casting choice, Lucy Liu, tiny Asian doll, has a Camryn Manheim of an assistant. When she acts all condescending to her, too, it makes me really uncomfortable.

I don’t know her name, so obviously I’ll make one up and call her “Cammie”, and will continue to do so even when I find out her real name.

Anyway, Cammie wants to work her way up and Mia gives her an approving nod, telling her she’s ready for it and to prove that she believes in her, she solemnly gives her a pair of sunglasses from the sunglasses tree. And Cammie gets all misty! WTF?? This metaphor is rode hard and hung up wet. Let. it. go.

So, final scene, CM allows Zoe a little one-upping of Valerie in the only way she knows how. Buying the validation of the entire elementary school. She rents one of those tacky red double decker tour buses for the field trip, which the kids run to like a giant Pokemon descending from the heavens onto the street and suddenly she’s the hero of the day. Whatever. Valerie doesn’t even look that upset, because no matter how hard you try and buy your kids’ love, all kids really want is a hot stay at home mom like Krista Allen who makes apple tarts and doesn’t get insecure any time she sees a female under the age of forty. Zoe even gets the last line by brushing Valerie off with the “I’m on a conference call” zinger, but it’s too little, too late. You’ll never win!!

So we’re out for today, but don’t despair, we have so much to live for! Will Nobby be the rabbit to Juliet’s carrot? Will Caitlin ever be a believable Manhattanite? Stay tuned for the next YM issue, I mean Cashmere Mafia episode! I know I’m behind in recapping, but I’ll catch up within a week or two. Proms!