Celeb Rehab 4: Graduation Day!

PREVIOUSLY ON CELEBRITY REHAB 4….

Janice Dickinson had a ‘Dear Diary’ meltdown, everyone refused to go to sober living house and Gummi Bear was told he had the body of an 8o-year-old man.

WHAT TO LOOK FORWARD TO IN THIS EPISODE…

Dr. Drew takes Rachel to Ground Zero and our little rehabbers graduate!!

DAY 20…

Dr. Drew narrates that in less than 24 hours the patients will be leaving rehab and re-entering the real world. Dr. Drew wants us to know that he and his staff have worked hard to prepare each patient for life post-rehab, but his most serious patient remains defiant. Camera cuts to Gummi Bear.

Gummi Bear – “Ain’t nothing but a G thang.”

At the end of the last episode, Gummi had turned down Dr. Drew’s offer for post-rehab help. Dr. Drew believes Gummi Bear’s refusal for help could cost him his life. Dr. Drew hopes that the Gum Bear will change his mind by graduation.

DAY 20 4 P.M.

Everyone is out lounging by the pool.

Gummi Bear – “Who feels like building castles in the sky with me today? Hey you Care Bears, get the fuck away from my castle! Don’t make me imagine an atomic bomb and throw it on Care-A-Lot!!!!”

Gummi muses that he needs to go to Hawaii, he needs to do something… Shelly tells Gummi Bear, “You need to remember that you don’t know anything.”

Gummi Bear – “WTF?!?!? Did I take the wrong Matrix pill? Damn you, Morpheus!!”

Shelly continues, “All of your motivation is colored and scued by your addiction.” Gummi challenges Shelly by betting her a thousand dollars a week that he can remain sober. Shelly counters that she doesn’t have a thousand dollars a week. Gummi wants to know what she wants to put on the table then. She replies that she has nothing to put on the table other than to help him survive and be happy, healthy and not die. Camera cuts to Gummi’s face.

Gummi Bear – “Die? I have no plans to die. We’re going to transplant my brain into Zac Efron’s body and make a sequel to ’17 Again.’ ”

Gummi wants to know why everyone keeps telling him that he’s going to die. Shelly explains to Gummi his condition is much more severe because of his diabetes. He needs to get with the program: the Wilford Brimley program.

Interns get red stoplight beanies, speedos and share a glock.

Shelly tells Gummi that he has many assets like his sense of humor and baby dick so he has a reason to live. He just needs to learn how to take direction. Gummi Bear retorts that he has taken direction his entire life and look where it’s gotten him: a life out of the Shamu tank.

DAY 21 9:30 A.M.

Janice who is eerily calm announces it’s the last day and gives Shelly a hug.

Dr. Drew narrates today is graduation day and although it should be a day to celebrate, many of the patients do not have a firm after care program. As a result, they are having one final process group.

Dr. Drew begins process group by highlighting that the process of overcoming addiction is long and arduous and if not handled properly can end in fatality.

Frankie mumbles that she doesn’t want to fail.

Frankie – “I’ve seen those Mortal Kombat fatalities. Messy shit.”

Dr. Drew wants to go around the room and hear everyone’s ‘firm’ after care plan. He asks Jeremy ‘Chins’ London to go first.

‘Chins’ half-whispers that he’s going to an after care program and then scrunches up his face and nods.

Chins’s the Bobble Head

Bob is impressed that ‘Chins’ took the initiative to sign-up for an after care program prior to process group. Everyone is like it’s a major deal, but I’m like are you SURE HE SIGNED UP!?!?? He didn’t mention the name of the after care program.

Leif gives props to Jeremy ‘Chins’ London for being sober the longest out of everyone in the group. Camera pans to “Chins” who is giving us shifty eyes.

Jeremy ‘Chins’ London: “Yes, I have been ‘sober the longest’…according to the One-Mississippi, Two Mississippi Scale of Sobriety.”

Bob moves onto JWahl. He points out that Jason has been sober for three months. Jason, who talks the most I think this entire season, says he has three places that he is looking at for after care.

Jason – “And now I’ve said too much. I’ll go back to being mute.”

Frankie announces that is three people signed up for sober after care. Three? So far I’ve counted two. Leif asks Gummi Bear if he’s hearing this, two people who have been sober the longest are signing up for sober living. Camera cuts to Gummi. Complete and utter silence from Gummi Bear.

Gummi Bear – “I can’t think when I have fake fingernails on.”

Dr. Drew takes the opportunity to interject that he thinks Leif won’t make it unless he signs up for sober living. Leif counters that he promises if he relapses that he will enter rehab again. Dr. Drew’s reaction expression.

Okayyyy

Dr. Drew asks what happens if you disappear. Leif scoffs “I can’t disappear. Look at me.”

Leif – “I’m a Disco Teen Pop Peaceful Rhythmic Gymnastics Icon dressed like a GAP/Hot Topic pirate.”

Gummi Bear – “OMFG you are and now I know my calculus!”

Dr. Drew tells Leif that as long as you’re taking direction from your own brain you will relapse. He guarantees it. The only way an addict can get better is to take direction from professionals.

Leif asks Dr. Drew “So what you’re saying is I’m not going to get well unless I go into sober living?” Dr. Drew replies it scares the hell out of him. Leif looks forward to proving Dr. Drew wrong.

Bob laughs and says “you know sometimes that does work.” Leif adds “That’s just the stubborn bastard that I am.”

Dr. Drew gets excited and says, “What if I push harder and tell you that you’re never going to stay sober that way.” Leif replies to Dr. Drew, “Fuck you! He already has his sponsor and the meetings.” Dr. Drew is like okay well then call us, NEXT!!

Up next is Rachel. Rachel has no clue so instead she decides to share an old memory about going to a zoo while her paramour was working.

Rachel – “I thought I’d go window shopping for new sex moves at the monkey cages.”

Rachel was sitting and looking at the penguins, specifically the mothers and the babies and started sobbing. She had a huge epiphany. It was here where she coined being in love with a ghost.

Rachel loves to suck his jello pudding pop.

She realizes that she is loving the fantasy not the reality of those men. She learned how to love by being in love with a ghost, someone who could never fully be there and wore crazy circus sweaters and named their child Rudy.

Rachel shares that she used to sit in her father’s closet for hours and smell his shoes. Camera cuts to Eric.

Eric – “I used to do the same thing in Julia’s closet and chant ‘Mary Reilly, Mary Reilly, Mary Reilly.’”

Dr. Drew tells Rachel she needs to let go and narrates to us that unresolved issues like Rachel’s can threaten an addict’s sobriety.

PACKING MONTAGE…

Shelly announces the patients have 45-minutes to finish packing and to dress nice for graduation.

Montage of packing and getting ready for graduation.

Shelly closes the door as the last of the rehabbers leave and head to graduation.

Shelly – “Toodles. See you at Celebrity Rehab All-stars!”

Shelly turns around slumps against the door and sighs “It’s over. Thank god! Hell…hell…hell….”

GRADUATION CEREMONY…

Dr. Drew is standing at the end of a long purple carpet like a groom on his wedding day.

Purple Rain Big Love Graduation!

The graduates start filing in.

The best of the class….THIS YEAR!!!

The graduates sit down. Check out Leif and Jason’s faces.

Leif – “Rhythmics Gymnastics Happy Hour afterwards?” Jason – “Sure. Hey, I’m 17. Do you think I can get in?” Leif – “Jesus Christ, your parents regressed you, you’re not 17.”

Dr. Drew wants to take a moment and acknowledge the transition. He tells the patients that they’ve done a lot of work and been through a lot. He would like to take the opportunity to let the patients share some thoughts and wishes for the future. Up first is Janice.

Janice shares this has been the most trying experience she has ever had. Flashbacks include her ripping her mic off, having panic attacks and meltdowns. Janice thanks Dr. Drew for helping her find the nice Janice that she knew was still inside.

Janice – “Nice Janice was hidden like a Russian nesting doll under layers of Dolce & Gabbana, collagen, botox, and Teflon.”

Everyone claps.

Dr. Drew tells Janice that getting to know her was a deeply profound and moving experience. Up next is Frankie.

Frankie shares her first thought about treatment was “This is some bullshit.” But then she prayed to God and Dr. Drew got past a wall that no one has ever gotten past.

Shelly tells Frankie she is an amazing survivor and she has great respect for Frankie and Frankie’s disease. Frankie’s disease is the most powerful Shelly has seen. Flashback of Frankie ranting and raving about being naked on camera, anger issues, and being clean for 18 days. Shelly says that’s why she’s so hard on Shelly because she knows she is a survivor and can do this.

Up next is Leif. He starts off by saying he didn’t want to do this, then he did, then he didn’t. Leif was conflicted.

Much like the patterns going on with this outfit.

Flashback of Leif being conflicted, attempting to leave and peaceful rhythmic gymnastics.

Leif is glad he stayed and says his fellow rehabbers are family and will always be the core of his sobriety. Dr. Drew adds that although Leif gets under his skin, his sobriety deeply effects the doctor.

Up next is Jason. He shares that when he came to rehab he didn’t know what to expect at all. He tells Dr. Drew that he is unbelievable and knows his stuff. Jason should know because he’s been through a lot of doctors.

Jason – “Dr. Drew, on a pop star scale I’d say you’re a Mandy Moore.”

Dr. Drew tells Jason that he thought Jason was on the solid track to sobriety and couldn’t find the disease until he spoke to Jason’s parents.

Flashback of Dr. Drew meeting with Jason’s parents.

Up next is Eric Roberts.

Eric shares that this program has shown him that you can only see yourself through others, and how you judge others is how you judge yourself.

Eric – “I’m a Jonah Hill red-headed step child Jan Brady.”

Eric admits that he judged harshly. Flashback of Eric being despondent.

Eric smiles that he came here for Dr. Drew but got all of you (the rehabbers) with him. The rehabbers grin and clap.

Up next is Jeremy ‘Chins’ London.

‘Chin’s’ begins with “There is a Latin phrase ‘order for chaos’ which is what he has seen and felt at rehab.” Flashback of Jeremy ‘Chins’ London talking about this kidnapping and getting counseling with his wife. Now Jeremy ‘Chins’ feels this incredible sense of peace.

Jeremy ‘Chins’ London – “It’s like biting into a York Peppermint Patty.”

He realizes if he surrounds himself with good people that he will be able to love himself. Bukaki gang bangs will do that for ya.

Speaking of bukaki (how do you like that segue?) up next is Rachel.

Rachel shares going to rehab was the first thing she has done on her own without taking someone else’s advice. Flashback of Rachel leaving rehab based on someone else’s advice.

Rachel asks for everyone’s help in preventing that from happening in the future. She wants them to prevent her from walking away.

Rachel – “I respond to the lyrics of ‘Turn Around, Bright Eyes’…”

Dr. Drew tells Rachel that she has had a lot of grief. Flashback of Rachel discusses her fiance’s death at the World Trade Center. Dr. Drew feels like there is some unfinished business at New York, specifically Ground Zero and wants to meet Rachel there and do a ceremony.

And last but not least is Gummi Bear.

Gummi Bear opens up with “Dr. Drew you irritate the living shit out of me, and we don’t always see eye to eye, I want to thank you for saving my life.”

Gummi Bear – “And for being a friend, now where’s the cheesecake, Bea Arthur.”

Flashback of Gummi Bear meeting with the police and discussing his grandfather and daddy issues.

Jeremy ‘Chins’ London tells Gummi that he is seriously in need of love more than any person he has ever seen in his entire life. ‘Chins’ wants Gummi to know that the love is there and people do love the Gum Bear. ‘Chins’ is scared for Gummi and wants him to know that he considers him family and loves him.

Bob begs Gummi to please go to sober house. He doesn’t want to hear on the news that Gummi died in Chicago. Dr. Drew is always scared that he’ll hear Gummi is dead on t.v. too.

Gummi has the group on pins and needles awaiting his decision to attend a facility in Malibu. Finally Gummi surrenders. He agrees to go to a sober living facility. Everyone cheers and claps.

The patients have graduated and return to the outside world.

IN NEW YORK CITY…

Dr. Drew has some unfinished business with Rachel in NYC. Rachel’s fiance Andy O’Grady was one of the victims of 9/11.

Andy and Rachel.

He and Rachel visit Ground Zero so she can make peace with the past.

The two feel a sense of anger as they approach the site. Rachel gets the opportunity to connect with a man who lost his wife of 37 years in the attacks.

Sad song montage featuring the music of Civil Twilight (and no twi-hards, don’t cream your pants, it’s an emo band, not a Stephenie Meyer sequel).

Dr. Drew takes Rachel to the Central Park boathouse where he proposed to her. The plan is for her to let go of the letter that she wrote 10 years ago.

Rachel realizes that maybe she was only supposed to have Andy in her life for a short time.

They get what Dr. Drew refers to as a ‘God Shot.’ Right near the spot where she selected to let go of her letter is a stone that says for Andy.

God Shot: Faith Plus One’s sophomore album… Featuring the song ‘For Andy’, a tribute to Andy from Brand.

They took it as a sign that it was the right place for Rachel to let go of her letter to Andy. Rachel reads the letter aloud privately then rolls it up, places it in the bottle and chucks it into the pond promptly killing a duck.

Duck – “Damn you humans, we finally get rid of Marcus and his loaf of bread. Now we got Sting Jr. here and her message in a bottle!”

Rachel and Dr. Drew watch the bottle float away.

Dr. Drew tells us he has faith in his rehabbers blah blah blah knows some will relapse blah blah blah and we’re done season 4!!

It was a lot of fun recapping this season and thanks for joining me each week. I’m now hanging up my Celeb Rehab hat and putting on “Kourtney and Kim Take New York” and next week “Million Dollar Listing.” Hope you’ll join me.