Celeb Rehab: Dear Diary, f#@& You!

PREVIOUSLY ON CELEB REHAB…

Leif Garrett wanted to drink hold a beer in his hand, Frankie hated nouns and Jeremy ‘Chins’ London fought with his Cabbage Patch faced-wife.

WHAT TO EXPECT IN THIS EPISODE…

Janice experiences a monumental breakdown thanks to ‘Dear Diary Memory Flashbacks’, and we learn about Gummi Bear’s ridiculous medical problems and that he has the body of an 80-year-old man.

AT PASADENA RECOVERY…

Dr. Drew narrates it has been nearly three weeks since recovery began for the patients. Montage of Janice and Eric writing Twilight fan fiction, and Frankie managing to close a curtain that was ‘uncloseable’ the day before. He tells us the patients have come a long way to overcome severe emotional and withdrawal symptoms, as the camera shows Rachel and then Jason.

Rachel – “Got to be limber for ‘Snuggie Sutra’ tonight.”

Jason – “OMG my parents regressed me back to the age of 17, and when I was 17 I didn’t know how to stop a treadmill. FML!!!”

Dr. Drew warns that the toughest and most dangerous part of sobriety is yet to come. Camera zooms in on Gummi Bear.

Gummi Bear – “Just raised the drawbridge on my human thigh fort” ‘PING’ ‘CRACK’ “Damn you Mongolians! Trying to break down my city walls!!!”

Dr. Drew explains that the days and weeks after treatment are when most addicts relapse. Why thank you, Captain Obvious.

This morning Dr. Drew along with Bob plan to check in on the patients and discuss plans for post-treatment, treatment. Checkout Janice’s eye-boob shirt.

Double-D-Vision

PATIENT AFTER CARE PLANS….

Dr. Drew and Bob walk out on the patio. He asks the patients what their after care plans are. Janice announces she has a big ass fashion show in London. Gummi Bear slothing over on a lounge chair yells that he wants to travel. Dr. Drew walks over as Gummi bellows “I’ve got to get the fuck out of L.A.” while waving his cigarette. Take a chill pill there Liza Minelli.

Gummi Bear – “Uggghhh I hate seeing David Gest’s face everywhere.”

Looking at this screen capture of Gummi I just noticed something. Doesn’t he remind you of Ajax from ‘Duckman’?

Ajax – “If they made tugboats bigger, they could be the boats other boats tug.”

Dr. Drew tells Bob to work with Gummi. Gummi laughs and says he doesn’t want to live in a sober living, he wants a house.

Bob looks at the camera and bitches he is tired of hearing lame excuses from the patients who refuse to want to follow the staff’s aftercare recommendations.

Bob sits down next to Leif and asks him if he has ever been to Genesis House.

Leif – “Yes. ‘Pseu Pseu Pseudo’ Night was wild.”

Bob asks Leif if he liked it. Leif replies yeah, but he’s not living there. Leif turns down sober living house.

INSIDE…

Bob laughs that the patients’ reactions to sober living house are “Fuck you. I’m not doing it. Get away from me.”

Dr. Drew replies he knew that’s how they would react. Sasha asks Dr. Drew:

Sasha – “Well, why didn’t you do a little process group, dumbass?”

Dr. Drew gets defensive and snaps “10 times I brought it up in process….I’m tired.”

Dr. Drew – “I’m so tired that not even making a ‘Chinese Pig Face’ can cheer me up. Look I can’t even make it past the eyes…”

Dr. Drew whines that he is fighting even harder than the patients.

DAY 18: 2:10 P.M.

Dr. Drew narrates that there is still a lot of work to be done as the camera zooms in on Dr. Drew and Bob. His plan in today’s process group is to discuss after care plans.

As everyone sits down, Dr. Drew announces that he has to have a clear plan for everyone in order to feel like he has done his job. He starts with a group check-in and asks Gummi Bear to go first.

Gummi says he is feeling content but also annoyed. Every time someone talks about using he feels like using. Dr. Drew asks Gummi how is he going to deal with that on the outside. Gummi is like not use? Bob instructs Gummi to tell someone when he has an urge to use, just like he is doing right now.

Rachel interjects that she is so worried for Gummi Bear outside of rehab. She has some funky hair going on.

Snuggie Sutra Bed Head.

Dr. Drew asks Gummi “How do you respond to your peers?” Gummi scoffs “It’s nice to see my peers have such faith in me.”

Bob and Dr. Drew yell “Oooooo.” They then take a moment to break it down. Leif explains that it is the comments that Gummi makes that makes Leif worry for him. Rachel adds “You glorify the use of heroin and oxy and you make it sound like a candy.” Gummi smiles.

Gummi – “I want candy. Especially the Aaron Carter version.”

Rachel sighs “That’s not funny.” Janice wants Gummi to go straight to after care. Gummi is evasive and replies “It’s in the works.”

Dr. Drew poses to the group that it is the ongoing care that makes the difference, right? He leaves them with the following assignment: create an after care program.

TIME FOR A MOTHER-FUCKING MONTAGE SONG…

Shelly goes around and wakes up the patients as this week’s morning wake-up song plays.

Leif – “I wish the Cartmans on my pj’s were real and that they would destroy whoever is singing this fucking song.”

The disembodied voice sings “Dada dada daaaa coffee machine…”

Coffee Machine – “Please add arsenic and put me out of my misery.”

Shelly knocks on someone’s door and as she walks away, I she think mutters “I didn’t hear any shit from you either.” Ah Shelly, she is such an ‘cun…tinuing’ source of inspiration as Jimmy would say.

In Frankie’s room, the cat has randomly wandered in. The two bond, but Janice is having none of it. She comes in and tells Frankie to get the cat out of the room right now. Janice is allergic to cats…including Jocelyn Wildenstein and Rum Tum Tugger.

The cat leaves the room and Janice closes the door on it.

“And we all say… oh well I never! Was there ever a cat so clever as Magical Mr. Mistofelees!”

Janice tells Frankie that she never leaves her door open. Frankie argues “That’s not your door, it’s our door” as she walks down the hall.

Cat – “Can you say of your bite that it’s worse than your bark?” Frankie – “Fuck you!”

Frankie mutters that the cat has been here for 12 years and she is not responsible for what it does. “Right?” she asks Jeremy ‘Chins’ London.

DAY 19: 8 A.M.

Shelly asks everyone if they are ready for morning meditation. The guys mumble “of course.” Shelly adds “Let’s try to have some equality today if we can.”

Frankie interrupts and asks “How long has that cat been here?” Uh oh. Towel Genie Mothball Afghan Woman is on a mission. Quick somebody get her back into her Lisa Frank Straight-Jacket Jammies!!!

Janice moans “God here we go.”

Shelly tells Frankie (she even calls her sweetie) that now is meditation time and they won’t be talking about the cat.

Frankie ignores her and continues “I don’t feel good, I had a fever, and the cat came in and woke me up when it sat on my face…” Camera cuts to Janice and Leif.

Janice – “WTF?!?!” Leif – “My rage is building. Must stay calm. I’m a calm peaceful person, right, Cartman?”

Shelly cuts Frankie off. She offers to discuss the cat issue after group. Frankie continues. Leif jumps in, telling Frankie this isn’t meant for morning meditation.

Frustrated Frankie and the cat head back inside.

Everyone starts getting up and Shelly is powerless to stop them despite her “please, please, pleases”.

Shelly heads inside and asks Frankie to speak with her right away. Frankie continues to ramble about sharing the door as the cat sneaks by.

Cat (hums) – “Well, you’ve never seen a kat with so much charisma
Got more moves than a mutant ninja- turtle that is
And I’m doing the Skat Strut
To hell with John Travolta and the Disco Duck”

Shelly tries to calm Frankie down, but Frankie ends up walking away.

Dr. Drew narrates Frankie’s volatility has gotten worse since she moved in with Janice. Ooo look it’s a Frankie at her volatile best flashback. First up yelling about moms on a bench, followed by yelling about being clean for 18-days and hating nouns.

Dr. Drew worries that Frankie’s volatility will cause her to relapse once she leaves treatment.

DR. DREW SITS DOWN WITH FRANKIE…

Dr. Drew asks Frankie what made her wake-up in a bad mood this morning. Frankie thinks it was the room change. She knows what Rachel went through rooming with Janice, but she can deal better because she is more hardcore than Rachel.

Frankie admits that she likes the door open because she is a little claustrophobic. When she was little she used to get locked in the closet for punishment.

Frankie – “It rubs the lotion on its skin, or else it gets the hose again.”

Turns out Frankie was kept in the closet so long that she would fall asleep in there. For someone with narcolepsy that was approximately 2 minutes.

Frankie admits to Dr. Drew that it wasn’t her mother that locked her in the closet and not the person who abused her sexually. OMG it was Frankie’s grandmother that locked her in the closet!!

Frankie used to really believe that there was a boogie man and she would pee in the bed before she would get up and put her feet on the floor. She says her grandmother was really hardcore and wouldn’t hesitate to hit you with a hammer if she was mad. Whoa this sounds like a sequel to “Precious” based on the novel “Push” by Sapphire.

Dr. Drew explains to Frankie that abuse is no way to get a child to behave.

Frankie realizes that she has a lot of anger issues and is trying to learn to cope with it.

AFTERNOON OF DAY 19…

Dr. Drew warns that outbursts from the patients can happen at the most unexpected moments.

Out on the patio Janice flips a bitch at Gummi Bear for his slovenly ways. She orders him to clean-up his mess at the table.

Rachel laughs that Janice is telling Gummi to clean-up while her mouth is full. Gummi laughs too and jumps on it and yells “Hypocrite warning.” Janice yells back, “You’re a slob! Gummi yells, “Fuck you, Janice.”

DR. DREW SITS DOWN WITH JANICE…

Dr. Drew asks Janice how she is doing. Janice replies not good. Janice is having an episode. About time. What has it been 5 or 6 episodes since she has had an ‘episode’?

Janice voices her fear that she can’t connect. She admits that she interrupts people and realizes she is doing it but can’t stop. She says it has become worse since she stopped taking Ativan. Nobody knows that she kicked Ativan, and she thinks everyone feels she is just being a bitch. She asks Dr. Drew if this is normal.

Dr. Drew replies that Janice is actually reacting better than normal which causes her to bust into tears.

Normal.

Dr. Drew asks Janice what is she crying about. She sobs she is writing in her journal and having flashbacks.

Janice – “Doug Funny never had this much trouble with his journal.”

Janice is experiencing vivid abuse memory flashbacks. She tells Dr. Drew she can write ‘episodic’ descriptions using pen and paper.

Dr. Drew explains to Janice that withdrawal sometimes makes people have flashbacks that they never had before. He gives her credit for coming so far. Janice and Dr. Drew shake hands.

In the lobby, Shelly sits down next to Janice to check on her. Janice tells her she is tired. Shelly comforts her. Frankie walks by and gives Janice a hug too.

Janice – “I’m sorry for being a bitch and saying you looked like Noxema Jackson.” Frankie – “Who is Noxema Jackson?”

Rachel joins the hugfest. Shelly asks Janice to remember to breathe.

DAY 20…

Dr. Drew has arranged for the addicts to take part in a somber experience….

High School Musical!!

Dr. Drew introduces the patients to Shari Rubin, the mother of a high school athlete named Aaron. He shows them a video describing Shari’s families’ struggle with Aaron.

Aaron was addicted to pills and overdosed. His parents describe their experience and struggle and eventually had to sign papers to let him be taken off of life support. Then in a miraculous twist Aaron started to come around. He is still alive as a quadriplegic.

The patients meet Aaron and his dad. Aaron is able to respond using his fingers to indicate yes and no.

Aaron – “OMG it’s Nordic God Leif Garrett!!! Look I was made for dancing too!”

FUCKING-A…ANOTHER MOTHER-FUCKING MONTAGE SONG…

We are treated to not one but two depressing montage songs this episode.

Leif – “Not again!!! Rhythmic Gymnastics, give me the strength!!!”

Song “Lalalalala how will you endure the pain?”

Janice – “Fuck you, journal!! I will cut you with words.”

Dr. Drew narrates that with graduation closing in the patients are worrying how they will handle life outside of rehab.

OUTSIDE…

Leif , who is dressed in calming white, asks Gummi Bear if he would use today if he was out of rehab. Gummi Bear replies no. Jeremy ‘Chins’ London and Leif don’t believe him. They think the Gum Bear is a great liar.

Leif – “Dude, you are coming to Rhythmic Gymnastics Happy Hour with us!”

Gummi Bear gets agitated and snaps he just wants to be given the chance to be sober but everyone keeps telling him he won’t do it.

Jeremy ‘Chins’ London points out to Gummi that he needs to ‘Talk the Talk and Walk the Walk’ but not the KOK Walk.

Gummi has no problem pee testing everyday either. He admits to the guys that everyday he could score if he wanted to. ‘Chins’ is intrigued. He asks if someone would bring it to Gummi.

Jeremy ‘Chins’ London – “Do your dealers happen to kidnap people?”

Dr. Drew narrates that Gummi Bear is his most dangerous patient. Camera pans to Gummi.

Gummi – “I’m switching the Sweet’N Low’s with real sugar. Mwahahahahhaa.”

DR. DREW MEETS WITH GUMMI BEAR…

Gummi Bear is tired of people walking all over him. He is ready to take control without the help of drugs. His high is building companies and writing his book. He is ready to launch a thousand ships. He is also up for outpatient help.

Dr. Drew cautions that Gummi Bear not to take on too much. He poses the question “What if I told you, you had to take off for three months of chemo?” Gummi replies “Fuck you. I’m going to go to work, work through it and I will do the chemo at the same time.”

Dr. Drew counters “What if I told you, you had to take it in the hospital or you’ll die?” Gummi retorts “I’ll say I’m a strong-willed person and I…” Dr. Drew finishes “Do it my way no matter what.” Gummi is like yeah.

Gummi asks “What if that is in the cards though?”

Gummi Bear – “What if I have cancer….of the ass!?!?!”

Dr. Drew says he’d like to change it. Gummi Bear asks “But don’t you believe in a path of life? Like everything is already picked out for you?” Dr. Drew of course has the answer “Of course I do. That’s why you’re here.” The two part ways.

Later Bob comes into Gummi’s room and summons his attendance to the administration room.

Upon entering the administration room Gummi quips “OMG it’s like war.”

Dr. Drew has gathered all of the professionals on Gummi’s team. Dr. Drew is highly concerned about Gummi’s success rate. He warns Gummi that the likelihood of death is imminent given Gummi has the body of an 80-year-old.

Dr. Drew can’t let Gummi go out into the streets, hence the intervention. Bob tells Gummi that brattiness at 25 yrs old combined with heroin equals death.

Gummi proclaims he needs to stand on his own two feet. He has several deals in the works that if he doesn’t attend to now he will lose. He is sick of being confined and when he is confined he rebels.

Dr. Drew offers Gummi the opportunity to go to the facility today but Gummi is like not a chance.

NEXT TIME ON CELEBRITY REHAB…

It is season finale time and graduation day for our rehabbers! Leif looks forward to proving Dr. Drew wrong, Rachel is still dealing with the aftermath of her fiance’s death and will Gummi change his mind about the sober living facility?