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In case you were worried, fear not: we’re back with another episode of Celebracadabra! I haven’t decided yet if I love this show or not, mostly since the celebrities are kind of unknown to me, but maybe that’s the joy of it. These people want you to know them for doing bad magic tricks! It really doesn’t get any better than that!
We start off at the Magic Castle, where Kimberly is oddly dressed like a 50s greaser. There’s a part of me that’s shocked she’s wearing clothes at all, so I guess I shouldn’t judge, but this wasn’t really the outfit I expected.
A real pussywagon!
This week’s challenge is children’s magic. Ant is scared because children sometimes act clownish, and you know that shit doesn’t fly with him. He reasons that if kids hate you, then that’s it, they hate you. Most people hate Ant so this is kind of unfortunate, that poor dude can barely leave the house from fear! Jonathan tells the celebs they need to create a character for their magic show, and since Hal was the best last time, he has a special power in this round. He can either swap his magician for another or choose the costume of his biggest competition. If he were smart, he’d make Ant dress as a clown just so he would make weewee all over the floor.
Hal loves Rocco, so they decide to remain partners. He decides to pick Lisa’s costume instead, even though she probably isn’t his biggest competition. His reasoning is that Lisa has kids, but Lisa seems dull as balls, although that’s not saying much in this group. She has Silly Billy working with her, however, so that probably does give her an advantage. Lisa is super flattered that Hal finds her so intimidating, and then she realizes that’s not a good thing for this challenge. Oh, Lisa, you so silly. Billy.
Everyone heads over to Hollywood Toys & Costumes, and C. Thomas Howell finds it difficult to pick a costume without knowing the tricks he’ll be doing. It’s not as hard for Chris, who immediately heads over to the pimp section for accessories. As Hal ponders on Lisa’s costume, he’s bedecked in a Harry Potter getup that he was never seen picking out, so I’m going to assume this is just Hal’s everyday wear. His favorite options for Lisa are Thor, a sumo wrestler, or an instant nerd kit. As someone who has worked at a Halloween store (yet I mock Hal for having no career), I don’t care what he picks but please God, don’t open those packages and strew costumes everywhere. That shit is hard to put back together!
Lisa doesn’t care what he picks because she’ll be able to work any outfit, much like the streetwalker outfits she’s usually rocking. Of course, when Hal actually presents her with his options, she hates them all. Thanks for being so open-minded, Lisa! Hal seems deeply hurt over this, so he heads off to find the worst possible costume in the store, a ketchup bottle. Lisa starts to hate her life all over again, which is really saying something.
Meanwhile, Ant is hovering near the store’s doorway. Apparently he’s upset about something, although I can’t imagine what.
He’s seriously stuttering and freaking out over clown masks. Masks! If real live clowns were trotting around the store, that would be understandable, but they’re masks! Lisa shares my confusion, and C. Thomas Howell decides to be my hero and says, “He won’t come in because of a suspended clown outfit that actually is in my budget range right now.” Oh my God, C. Thomas Howell, please put on this costume and jump out at Ant. I would actually poop my pants, but in a different way than Ant.
Lisa asks if the costume can be taken down if she buys it, but since she’s a good person or some shit, she doesn’t buy it just to torture Ant. She actually wants to help him enter the store, blah blah blah. Playing fair is so 2007. She promises him the clowns have been removed from the premises, and then she leads him over to the blood and gore section, since Ant is so manly. It seems like all might be well, but as they turn a corner, another clown costume dangles from the ceiling. Oh noes! Ant literally does a backbend in his rush to get the fuck out of there. Meanwhile, Lisa’s cluelessly picking out crowns, wondering where Ant could’ve gone.
Of course he leaves the store and runs down the block to cry. Lisa has to cover the camera so she can speak to Ant, but we can still hear them so that accomplishes nothing. Ant says, “There’s two fuckin’ clowns hanging there and you fuckin’ told me you went through and saw there were no fuckin’ clowns.” I understand fear is real and all, but oh my God, just read that sentence again. Seriously. This is happening. Lisa really didn’t try to set him up, but Ant decides he can’t trust her and he’ll just have to make his own costume.
Once everyone else has their outfit, they head back to the Magic Castle to rehearse. Chris thinks it’s a smart idea to do a character unlike everyone else’s, so he creates Kid the Hip Hop Houdini. Chris’ magician, Derek, thinks it’s a little tasteless to perform a pimp character at a children’s show, but Chris says kids need to learn about pimpin’. Since he is a child molester, this works in his favor.
C. Thomas Howell will perform as a cowboy, since he was a child rodeo star. Amazingly that’s not something I’m making up! His costume is basically a cowboy hat and a chicken, which his magician would like to cook. That seems like it would be a great trick, but when C. Thomas Howell disagrees, David suggests the chicken should hide in his pants, really making him the cock of the walk.
Rocco tells Hal he has a few themes to choose from, and then Hal will pick what he’d like to do for the show. Hal likes being treated as a fellow magician, but then he pees a little bit when Rocco makes fire appear out of nowhere. Somehow all it takes is blowing on a piece of paper, which explodes into flames and then turns into a rubber ball. If only it were that easy for everyone on Survivor! Hal asks if the trick ever stops burning, and Rocco’s like, “Don’t worry, you get used to the pain.” I sort of love the idea of professionals saying that. I want to meet a doctor who’s like, “Don’t worry, after a few tries, you barely feel the bone saw.”
During a meeting with Asi, Ant refuses to reveal his costume. You’d think maybe he’d want Asi to know about it, being that they’re partners, but Ant don’t roll that way. Asi asks if the costume is bulky, and Ant is like, “Why, do I have to have my hands free?” No, Ant, that’s not a vital component of magic at all. Asi says he thought it would be fun to work with Ant, but he wasn’t aware that Ant is such a Bitter Betty. Cut to Sir Queensalot suddenly yelling, “I hope you don’t have children because you’re gonna be, like, the worst father.”
In return, Asi is like, “Talk to the hand.”
Kimberly and Murray discuss plans for the show, and Kimberly sagely points out that entertaining kids is different than doing street magic. I had no idea! Murray performs a trick where he holds out a towel, pulls it back, and Kimberly’s freaky looking Chihuahua is staring back at her. She’s impressed but not as much as I would’ve been. If this dude randomly pulled my dog out of thin air, I would probably be on the floor squealing, and Kimberly’s like, “Oh. That’s mine.” Thanks.
Even though Lisa talked such a big game earlier in the day, she is now weepified. Silly Billy admits the costume sucks, but he thinks there’s a way to make it work. Meanwhile Lisa is just sobbing, and then she wheezes, “I was bragging that I have, like, four kids.” I’m deciding she’s actually confused on that. She’s got some number of kids, she just doesn’t remember how many. She puts on the ketchup hat and it makes her look like a big red dildo. Silly Billy mocks the shit out of her for it, since he’s a professional clown and this is the only chance he’s ever had to feel better than someone.
Soon everyone heads over to the show, all decked out in costume except for Ant. Playing himself would be terrifying, so my vote goes that way. Chris says he’s as nervous as when he performs stand-up comedy, since he’s as bad at that as he is at magic. Adding to his fears is the fact that Judge Jeff is here for the show, along with a new judge, Max Maven, the greatest mentalist in the world. That’s just a fancy way of saying “crazy dude we found on the street.” This is Celebracadabra, they don’t have a budget for special guests.
C. Thomas Howell is up first, and he knows he has to have a good performance or he’s probably going home. He has a little girl pick a card, and then he throws the deck into his cowboy hat and lassos the card. I know it sounds really boring written out, but it’s pretty cool on TV. He also has the kids shout “Celebracadabra!” which is always amazing because wow, it’s quite a title! C. Thomas Howell closes his act by turning an egg into a chicken, and well, that one’s not as impressive because it’s pretty obvious how he does it. The kids go super crazy over it though, so all in all, his act is a success!
Next, Kimberly comes out dressed as Dorothy from The Wizard of Oz. It’s weird to see her in a wholesome outfit and not her usual choice, her birthday suit. She comes out looking for Toto, and she shows the kids he’s not in her basket. The kids learned from C. Thomas Howell’s act though, and they totally call her on having the dog hidden away in there. In her confessional, she’s actually really endearing because she says how she wanted to hiss at them to shut up, and I don’t know, people being jerks makes me giggle.
A dog couldn’t possibly be in there, that basket is so deep!
So, her first trick bombs. For her next one, she takes a little girl’s sneaker and hides it in a magic box, which then explodes and sets off the smoke detector. The shoe burns, and then a FedEx package appears and lo and behold, the sneaker is inside! It doesn’t really make much sense, which Lisa confirms backstage by yelling, “Get the hook!” Last week she said she couldn’t heckle people, but ah, how times have changed. When she finishes her act, everyone assures her she did great, except for Silly Billy who says, “Except for all the stuff we talked about while you were performing.” This comes from a man who has sex with balloon vaginas.
Chris’ character sort of reminds me of Lisa D’Amato from America’s Next Top Model fame, and that’s not a dated reference because that show plays on VH1 all the damn time. If you haven’t seen her, though, she was psycho and once peed in an adult diaper just for fun, so…his whole act is kind of like that. Somehow every kid in the audience says they’re a hip hop fan, so they all dig his weird performance. The only thing that doesn’t fly with the judges is him swearing since, ya know, the audience is comprised of children. Similarly, it will be a bad idea if he whips his dick out. He runs around shouting things like, “Hell yeah!” and “Damn!” This makes the kids like him even more though, because I can confirm that swearing equals funny. My dream in life is for someone to accidentally drop a curse word on an upcoming episode of Saturday Night Live.
C. Thomas Howell likes the act so much, he fondles himself.
Hal comes out as Harry Potter, speaking in a creepy British accent, and introduces his assistant, Holly. Maybe it would’ve made sense to have her play Hermione, but what do I know? For Hal’s trick, he makes a butterfly appear, and Rocco pretty much creams himself with delight backstage. The kids are pleased too, but then Hal releases about 15 fucking butterflies into the room and the kids completely lose it. I don’t blame them because holy shit, butterflies are nice in captivity but I don’t want them flying around my head! Hally Potter thinks the trick was executed marvelously, except for all the kids crying for their moms. He tries to console them, but backstage Rocco is like, “That’s not part of the trick!” Professional magicians really care about their audience, y’all.
Silly Billy introduces Lisa by going into great detail on what ketchup is. See, it’s not mustard and it’s not mayonnaise, but it’s something else you can put on a hamburger! He gets the kids to start chanting for ketchup, but they immediately shut up when she’s like, “Sorry I’m so late, I had to ketch-up. Get it?” They do not. Ant compares her to Bette Midler doing magic, which is pretty accurate. She tries to make a cloth disappear but just drops it on the floor, and then she belts out Wind Beneath My Wings as a last resort. Ultimately she pulls the charade off well enough though, making a rabbit appear and letting the kids pet it, so Hal concludes she took lemons and made ketchupade. That’s why Hal is no longer a successful stand-up comic.
Ant finally straps on his costume, and it’s about what you’d expect from him.
Any excuse to get dudes to touch him.
He knows he has to connect to the kids, so he just covers himself in candy! Chris says the costume is smart in a sinister way. Some of the handlers backstage tell Ant to keep the show under control, and he’s all like, “Come on, how can this fail?” Uh, very easily. Ant’s act involves him turning a handkerchief into a bird, and then he tells kids that butterflies carry germs that can get everyone sick. This is sort of amazing, because remember when people were freaking out over bird flu? Yeah, but butterflies, they’re the real killer.
In the middle of Ant’s show, he notices his magical bucket has disappeared, which was probably a trick played by God. Even though everyone was instructed not to move the bucket from the set, it somehow winds up near Hal and Rocco. It would be kind of awesome if Hal stole it, but I think he’s too lazy. It was probably just a dumb intern’s mistake, you know? Ant screams like crazy for Asi to recover the bucket, and when it shows up, one of the props is fucked up. He’s supposed to be funneling water out of a little girl, but it plays out weirdly and looks like he’s milking her twee nipples. Awkwaaaard! In confessional, Ant says he’s not accusing anyone of screwing up the trick…but he totally believes it was sabotage. But he’s not accusing anyone, just so you know!
When the act fails, Ant gives up and basically instructs the kids to pull the candy off his body. It’s such a mad rush that kids are actually getting stomped on, and everyone’s laughing backstage until they’re like, “Wait, shit, blood is spewing from these children.” One girl’s glasses completely shatter, too, so all the adults nearby rush in to abort the mission. Even Asi says Ant sucked balls today, and while that is usually Ant’s greatest skill, it didn’t play out so well on stage.
Nevertheless, time for judging at the Magic Castle! After 25 minutes of dramatic music, Jonathan admits it’s a little unfair to judge the celebs on their performance since children can be so harsh. Still, it’s more about the tricks than the kids, so of course judging will continue. Chris, C. Thomas Howell, and Lisa are called up first. Chris doesn’t feel confident, but I’d say they have to be the three who are totally safe.
Jonathan faults Chris for making the kids feel a little uncomfortable, but he admits Chris is a great showman. Next, Jonathan tells C. Thomas Howell he performed real magic and was the best opening act anyone could’ve hoped for. When it’s Lisa’s turn, she swells up with hope.
Well, hope or silicone, you decide.
Lisa’s tricks weren’t very technical, but her routine was smooth and she managed to make her costume work. She turned her act into comedy gold, sayeth the judges! Out of the three of them, C. Thomas Howell performed the best, so he gets the special powers for next week. He thanks the judges and sounds so bored by all of it, which is weird because sometimes you can actually see his heart palpitating with joy. Dude’s a little bipolar, but that’s okay, he’s likeable! Anyway, those three are safe, leaving Kimberly, Hal and Ant behind.
Ant points out that he’s wearing an enormous cross to bring him good luck and help him stay in the show. Since God moved his bucket, I don’t have much hope for him here. At this point, after staring at him and his confessionals for literally almost an hour, I finally noticed he painted a cross on his forehead, too. I honestly thought he just had greasy-ass hair drooping down into his face.
Dear Lord, cleanse my soul and the mop on my head.
Hal is called to the front of the stage. Jonathan points out that Hal won the last round, but he wasn’t even close this time. In the background, Kimberly is totally laughing her ass off over this, along with the rest of the viewing public. Failure is funny! Hal loses points for terrifying the kids with flying creatures, but since he had a strong character on stage, he’s safe this week.
That means Ant and Kimberly are our bottom two. Asi is visibly pumping the air, he’s that ready to get rid of Ant. Judge Jeff says the problem with Kimberly’s act was her lack of passion and her bad explosion, but Judge Max thinks the basket trick was the real suckhole. In confessional, Kimberly says, “Telling you that you suck at magic in front of all your peers and the rest of the world is not so fun.” Aww, Kimberly, don’t worry. The rest of the world isn’t watching this show!
Judge Max says that even though kids like candy, Ant’s costume was a detriment to the act. It hindered his movement, shit kept falling off it, and children almost died. Ant nods like that’s no big deal, but awesomely, Asi taps his shoulder and squeals, “Told you!” I wish you could stay around on your own, Asi, my love.
The judges tell Ant his trick was kind of filthy, and it didn’t even work well anyway. That’s the thing – filthy is cool, but it has to be an awesome filthy. Ant’s was not. In response, he says, “I honestly believe Hal and Rocco sabotaged my trick.” But he’s not accusing anyone! Asi explains the magical bucket was moved, and then Ant chimes in that Hal and Rocco have been cheating for the entire show. Since they’ve been doing this for two whopping episodes, it probably wouldn’t mean much even if it were true. Hal and Rocco don’t really argue against Ant’s claim, but I’d like to believe they’re not so lame as to do that. Rocco would’ve zapped something embarrassing into the trick instead, you know?
Before the judges can announce who’s leaving, Ant says he’ll be the one to break his magic wand. Everyone assumes that’s code for masturbating, but then he sasses Judge Max and says he doesn’t need a mentalist to tell him who’s going home. Ant is such a bitch, you guys! That pretty much decides it: Ant’s an asshole, so he’s leaving tonight. Asi starts clapping with glee and then asks to make Ant disappear. Afterwards he adds, “I hate making people disappear, but…that was fun!” I love you, Asi! (I assume he’s reading this because, well, what else does he have going on?)
Next week, the celebs take over a college bar. Lisa cries, Kimberly performs a whorey dance, and C. Thomas Howell flips a table over. All in a day’s work, my friends!