Celebracadabra: Magic on the Move

For all the huge Celebracadabra fans out there (all three of us), I have to specify that this recap isn’t of the most recent episode. VH1 decided to change their lineup and move our favorite show to a new night, giving us two episodes this week! You may not have known this since A) it wasn’t really advertised and B) it’s Celebracadabra, but don’t worry too much. We’ll be all caught up soon enough, and two episodes in a week means twice as many opportunities for failure! If you’re anything like me, then you’re one happy clam.

The show starts by recapping the last episode, and the voiceover guy is eagerly like, “One of them will become the ultimate celebrity magician!” I fucking love that this is an honor. I love that we live in such a world! Obviously the celebs do, too, because the final four have returned for yet another rousing round. Lisa celebrates by looking like a horse.

Tickity-tack tranny from Transylvania.

Jonathan explains the next challenge is most magicians’ bread and butter. I’m assuming they have to cry or open for unfunny comedians in Las Vegas, but they actually have to perform strolling magic. Instead of taking the stage, they’ll walk around and do tricks for small groups of people. C. Thomas Howell says that’s something you might see at a restaurant, a magician entertaining you for a moment. Gotta be honest, I have never seen anyone entertained by that during a meal. In most circles, that’s known as “being fucking annoying.” If someone comes over and starts pulling coins or scarves out of my mashed potatoes, I’m not amused, I’m asking for a discount on my check.

The celebs must fit their props inside their pockets for the performance, which will take place at Le Bleu Chateau’s Mystical Evening Party. At first this sounds fun! Maybe it’ll be a French restaurant with a sweet buffet, and the celebs can gorge themselves after their acts! Nope, sadly it’s a retirement community. Considering they’re hiring a VH1 reality show as their entertainment, it’s probably not a very good one, either. Kimberly complains that old folks probably don’t listen to the Pussycat Dolls, so they won’t know her. If they knew what a talented performer she is, of course, they’d be much more inclined to love her tricks.

The next American Idol!

That’s not all, though; there’s a twist! Everyone will have a new coach, which makes Silly Billy very worried since, ya know, all the other celebs are decent at magic and Silly Billy is functionally retarded. Since Kimberly won the last challenge, her special power is getting to keep Murray as her coach, which she’s actually not happy about. She babbles about how there could be better chemistry with another coach, which probably means she wants to bone Rocco. Unfortunately for Kimberly, he’s Lisa’s new partner. She’s sort of happy and sort of worried, whereas Rocco is just plain pissed. He hates the idea of women doing magic, but let’s be honest, it’s not like Lisa is going to run him out of his job or something. He makes some kind of comparison between women and rabbits and birds, and I can’t understand it mostly because I didn’t know anyone took magic this seriously.

Hal’s new partner is David Regal, C. Thomas Howell’s former magician. David throws a big shitfit because he doesn’t know if he should try to sabotage Hal now, and Hal is like, “Um, no?” Sabotage is better when you don’t announce it to the group, David! Now that they’re paired off, it means C. Thomas Howell is stuck with Silly Billy. He pretends to shoot himself in the head, for which I can’t blame him at all. I’m not Ant, so I’m not afraid of clowns, but I totally think there’s something creepy about a grown-ass man who wants to wear a costume and get close to children all the time. Silly Billy’s tricks are going to be like, “Put a dildo in your pocket and get someone’s grandchild to feel it.”

Everyone heads off to rehearse, and David and Hal clash immediately. David’s magic is based on props and stories, which Hal hates. He tells David his tricks lack magic, which David really loves since he’s a magician. Over with Murray and Kimberly, the tricks are enormously elaborate. She has to haul boxes around, so in order to fit this shit in her pockets, she’ll have to come out in floppy cargo pants. Obviously I hope this happens. Kimberly wants to learn every specific detail about a trick, while Murray wants her to just fucking do it, so they break into a weird girly argument. Luckily Murray solves their problems by turning himself into Sideshow Bob.

It’s The Krusty the Klown Show!

Unsurprisingly, things aren’t going so well in Rocco and Lisa’s camp either. She doesn’t understand even the most basic tricks, but he’s a shitty teacher so they’re about even. Meanwhile, Silly Billy and C. Thomas Howell are kind of hitting it off! C. Thomas Howell says that children are Billy’s specialty and romantic interest, but the elderly really aren’t that far off from kids anyway, so he might be the perfect coach. They both agree about costume choices and being a little creepy, so who knows, they just might work out after all.

The next day, the groups make a gleeful jaunt over to the retirement home. C. Thomas Howell feels really confident, and since he and Silly Billy practiced for hours the day before, he says he has what it takes to be crowned “King Magii.” Fuck yes he does! That is the technical, official name of the winner of Celebracadabra, it’s been decided. Everyone feels fairly sure of themselves except Kimberly, since she and Murray are no longer speaking. I love that they’ve both queened out this much. She tries to explain her concerns to Murray, but he just stares at her and goes, “Mm” after everything she says. Love it.

Before the celebs head to the Mystical Evening Party, they have to practice their skills on random old folks, which is kind of cute and sad. Kimberly asks for a guy’s name, and he’s like, “Uh…Joe?” Aw, puppy. C. Thomas Howell does some weird invisible magic with an old gal, which is super adorable even though she has no idea what the hell is happening. To be fair, I didn’t really get it at first either, but his tricks actually play pretty well! Her reply is, “Now I can go eat lunch?” but that’s old people for ya. If he made a sandwich appear instead of a card, she would’ve been a lot happier.

Hal does his tricks for a really cute lady who openly tells the camera, “I was not very impressed.” I love her already! The main problem is that he treats her like she’s retarded, but he realizes this and decides to treat her like family instead. Even though she hates his act and he kind of talked down to her at first, she acts like she’s proud of him, which is really precious. Across the room, Lisa knows better than to belittle the elderly. She pulls up her whore pants and settles down with a man in a top hat, which he just so happens to be wearing. By the way, I fucking love old people.

Top o’ the mornin’ to ya!

Rocco does the tricks instead of Lisa, so I can’t really explain them because he just craps them out 1-2-3. He’s really good, but I can’t keep up with him and I’m relatively able-minded, you know? His audience is just like, “Where’s the bathroom?” Kimberly’s audience member says the same thing, but it’s only because he wants to fuck her in the stall. No lie, she gives Joe a hug and he yells, “Oh baby!” This is the first erection he’s had in 25 years, so it’s a big day.

After they practice, Judges Jeff and Max file in for tonight’s grand hoopla. I should point out it still seems to be 1 PM, but okay, sure! C. Thomas Howell runs over his material with Silly Billy one more time, and they both think he can really pull it off since no one sees him coming. He has a pretty good point, too. It seems like Hal has this locked in, but C. Thomas Howell can really kick some ass if he tries.

He’s up first at the party, so he has someone write their name on a card. The card goes in the deck, it’s shuffled up, and…he pulls out the wrong card. Off to a great start, guy! He stammers like, “Oh. This is not your card?” and his audience is like, “Not unless it says Steve on the back.” It is visibly not the same card at all, but the crowd has already forgotten the number. Awesome! He makes the card show up in the next segment of his performance though, and it’s one of those things where maybe this was done on purpose, maybe not. That’s the beauty of Celebracadabra, y’all, it always keeps you guessing.

Lisa comes out next, and I’m not even being a jerk, she’s dressed like a fucking stripper. Old people don’t have any shame about sassing someone for dressing trashy, which Lisa should’ve anticipated. One gal is like, “Lisa’s outfit was kind of short, but it’ll pass, heheheh.” Aw, dykery. Lisa’s tricks involve fire, which could go massively wrong but they pass, surprisingly. She’s really good at interacting with her crowd, and you know what, I can dislike her all I want but she really kills out there. Not literally, mind you – that’s always a risk with geezers around, but she does a great act and even Rocco is impressed! It might just be because her boobs are showing, but we’ll hope for the best.

Elsewhere in the retirement home, Hal is unhappy about doing prop comedy. He’d rather take random items and work with them, but instead he has to pull light bulbs and bolts out of his pockets. The bolt is supposed to be from the Queen Mary, but when the trick sinks, he jokes that it’s from the Titanic instead. He still bombs but at least he can improvise, right? He’s trying! Kimberly isn’t trying quite as hard. She’s really obviously nervous, but she tries to tie three silks together and turn them into an American flag. It doesn’t work at all, so while she stalls for time, she babbles about places she’s traveled, like London and France and…hey, how ’bout them Yankees?

Murray must be psychic because he saw this coming.

“Backstage,” which is basically just out of earshot of the mostly-deaf people, the celebs complain about their audience. C. Thomas Howell says the crowd won’t assist with participation, which is pretty accurate. The old folks are like, “That was nice, dear,” even if it’s the most spectacular trick in the world. Of course, as we know, none of these tricks fall in that category. Kimberly tries to prove that wrong and really knocks the crowd out.

Oh. Literally.

Kimberly actually wakes the woman up so they can “rifle” through the deck. Aha Kimberly, I know it’s riffle! You’re wrong, baby! (I’ve been waiting to catch someone for using stupid words for four weeks now, give me my sad little moment.) She rifles away and then asks the woman if she pulled out the right card, but the lady does not remember what they’re talking about in the first place. God, this is the best episode ever.

After Hal drops the prop magic, he’s able to do some impressive tricks. He woos one woman so much that she coos, “Take me home.” Of course, she could’ve just been asking to leave the retirement community but maybe she really just wants to bone Hal. He makes a face like, “I can’t handle this awkwardness,” but that’s mostly because he likes to do guys. Then he makes a half-dollar disappear from his hand and show up in his eye, which grosses the woman out hardcore. Hal tries it again and pulls it out of her clothes, so the women announces, “I am wonderful!” She’s the real performer here, you guys! A lot of the crowd determines Hal is their favorite performer, but C. Thomas Howell is a close second. He describes his best trick as “a nothing gaffe that is a mind-boggler, high impact trick!” I don’t know what that means, but he’s good, sure! After he performs, one of the ladies gushes that they’ll be talking about these tricks for a long time, which is really freaking adorable. Celebracadabra‘s all about blowing minds and changing lives.

Lisa says this isn’t an easy challenge because Rocco is, well, Rocco. He agrees to consider allowing women in magic if she can really do a great show today, so this would be a great time for some clips of her sucking eggs. Amazingly though, VH1 surprises us! We get a montage of Lisa being talented, especially in the boobular region.

The breast performer in the business.

Rocco consents that after seeing Lisa perform, he retracts everything he said about her. He goes, “What I meant was that they can do the magic, I just felt that they shouldn’t.” Well, that clears it up! He says the greatest magic of all is bearing children, and blah blah, sometimes Rocco seems like he’s on acid. It should be noted that as he says all of these things, there’s a woman standing behind him, happily brushing his hair. So much of this show is one big “huh?”.

Time to gather at the Magic Castle! Jonathan tells them he’s been impressed with how they handled the coach switching, so that’s Kimberly’s cue to shuffle her feet awkwardly. She’s nervous about elimination since she did so horribly, which is understandable. That sets Jonathan up perfectly, so he’s like, “We saw great improvement, with the exception of one contestant.” Gee, who could that be?! They call her to the front of the stage and explain the irony of this situation, so she’s like, “What are you talking about? My dress isn’t wrinkled.” Jonathan ignores that and says her tricks were neither appropriate nor practical for strolling magic. Then he asks if she would’ve been better off if they’d switched her coach, which is so awesome. If she says no, she’s lying, but she’s such a huge cunt if she says yes. You know what answer I’m rooting for!

She chokes on the cock in her mouth while she stumbles for an answer, but she ultimately says she would’ve stuck with Murray even if she had the chance to change coaches. Jonathan really can’t believe this, so she clarifies that she’d like to stay in the competition no matter who her coach is. She gets spectacularly lucky and will be safe this round, to which she performs a twisty dance step in celebration. Don’t push your luck, Kimberly.

C. Thomas Howell openly says, “Are you effing kidding me?” She was obviously the worst, and now she gets to stick around! For a second I was seriously a little panicked over who would be sent home, but then Jonathan announces that everyone’s safe this week. Now I’m panicked that this season will run even longer. Are you effing kidding me, VH1? C. Thomas Howell predicts there’s a string attached here, and sure enough, there is.

Jonathan says the rest of the celebs did well enough to win, but the judges want to see how they perform on the spot. It’s time for a face-off! The winner receives a yearlong membership to the Academy of Magical Arts at the Magic Castle, which sounds completely made up, but Hal is impressed. He says that’s a prize he’s wanted for a long time, but I’m gonna call bullshit on that one! The winner also receives special powers for the next challenge, which is the only part C. Thomas Howell is interested in. I can’t say I blame him because really, the Academy of Magical Arts? Really. Wow.

The judges call Hal up first to do some coin magic. He presents two twin coins that hate to be separated, so he puts one in his mouth and one in his hand, and they jump back together. It’s impressive but eh, not the greatest thing ever. Of course I can say this considering I can barely shuffle a deck of cards. Next, Jonathan asks Lisa to do a trick with jewelry, which she did beautifully at the retirement home. She pulls it off with the same skill here, but basically she pulls a string out from between her tits and then lights it on fire. Apparently I’m the only person who’s like, “What the fuck?” This is such a sudden challenge, but she had all this stuff stored between her breasts?

Is there a Dollar General between her cans or what?

Before I can rage out too hard over that, C. Thomas Howell is asked to do card magic. He starts the trick and then immediately forgets what he was doing. It’s just a card trick, dude! He tries it again, asking a judge to pick a card from the deck and then listening for the proper card within the deck. Sadly he doesn’t hear the right one, which makes him look like he’s about to cry. Aw, it’s okay, C. Thomas Howell. I still love you, even though the judges say you’d be sent home tonight for that piece of crap. Of course that means Hal wins the prizes, which he pretty much deserves. Unfortunately, C. Thomas Howell practically blows his fucking brains out over this. I like my men alive, so now I love him a little bit less.

With that, there’s only three challenges left! Next time, the celebs perform for top magicians. They also fight with their coaches, Ant makes a cameo, Kimberly fucks up a trick, and C. Thomas Howell dresses in drag. I hate to say it, but I’m actually kind of excited! Don’t worry though, I’m also ashamed. What say you?