Celebracadabra: Such a Drag

Guys, I’m almost embarrassed to admit that I really enjoyed this episode of Celebracadabra. I’m not sure what it is, maybe that they’re getting better at magic? Maybe I’m developing more of a tolerance for annoying things? Maybe I just really like saying and typing Celebracadabra? Whatever it is, I approve! God knows that’s what they’ve been waiting for.

The celebs gather at the Magic Castle, and Jonathan greets them by yelling, “You’re still here!” I’m sure they’re already ashamed, Jonathan, no need to rub it in. He makes a glass levitate as he pours champagne, which is sort of impressive but sort of looks like they just stuck it in digitally. Lisa yells, “Ooh! Ahh!” while everyone else stares blankly, so I’m assuming she’s remarkably dumb and this trick isn’t really happening. Makes me feel good! Anyway, the “trick” is an example of cabaret magic, the celebs’ next challenge. They’ll be performing in front of LA’s top magicians, which is sort of an oxymoron if you ask me. Hal agrees.

Don’t make me laugh!

Lisa is worried since she assumes the magicians won’t give the female performers any respect. Let’s be honest though, they’re not going to respect any of these clowns. C. Thomas Howell is excited about their audience though. He says Hal is the most experienced, but the magicians won’t know that, so they’ll be more inclined to judge fairly. Nice thinking, C. Thomas Howell! Sadly, he’s not optimistic for long.

Since Hal won the last challenge, he gets to choose which of the other contestants will perform this challenge in drag. This is so obviously set up for C. Thomas Howell to do it, you know? Who cares if Lisa or Kimberly comes out in a hat and pants? Hal says he wasn’t given a special power; he was given a punishment. He says that now, yeah, but he happily picked Lisa’s ketchup costume a few weeks ago! You know he’s laughed harder than anyone at the stupid shit people have gone through with these powers, so it’s kind of unbecoming that he’s getting all high and mighty now. Be that way all along or just be cool, man! C. Thomas Howell makes a dumb comment about how Hal is used to dressing in drag, so just to spite him, Hal drops the power thatta way. C. Thomas Howell saw it coming but gets super manic-depressive about it anyway. Oh, C. Thomas Howell, sometimes you scare me.

Next, they have to address the coach issue. Luckily they’ll all be back with their original coaches, so…issue resolved! That was easy. Even though Silly Billy bitched and moaned about being taken away from Lisa last week, he’s not happy to be back with her. He is seriously intolerable! Upon hearing the news, he makes the bitchiest face ever, like snotty girls in your ninth grade class.

Stop trying to make “fetch” happen, Silly Billy.

Similarly, Hal isn’t thrilled to be back with Rocco. I write these recaps and I sound like I’m PMSing so bad, but seriously, these people are never happy! I mean, maybe I’ve just never noticed it since I’m an asshole, but I’m gonna pin this one all on them. C. Thomas Howell isn’t stoked either. He’d rather be with Murray, since apparently Murray has an amazing nightclub act. You’d think that would mean Kimberly’s going to win this round straight off the bat, since she’s got a cabaret kind of thang going on herself, but sadly she and Murray still aren’t speaking. When she finds out they’ll be together again, she stares down at the ground like every abused girlfriend does on soap operas. This will go well!

Kimberly and Murray meet up to go over their tricks, but they spend like ten minutes pouting first. Her first bit will be producing a human, and then she’ll fold a napkin into a rose, light it on fire, and it’ll turn into a real rose. That second one sounds like a bit of a letdown, but okay. The finale will be her levitating, which could be legitimately awesome if she can pull it off.

Elsewhere in the Magic Castle, Rocco decides Hal will perform 25 to 30 tricks during his five-minute performance. That one could go either way, like super awesome or just a big crapfest. He and Rocco choreograph the whole thing, and Hal says the only problem is that Rocco demands he stop and wait for applause. Hal never realizes this could get awkward if no one claps, which is a pretty big possibility. These are professional magicians! They don’t want to see you pull a bunny out of a hat.

Lisa’s goal for the week is to beat Hal, which is a pretty lofty plan. Silly Billy presents her with a bevy of tricks that she thinks are too easy, so she worries people will tear her down for doing simple stuff on stage. After a few minutes of arguing about difficulty levels, Silly Billy gets whiny and retorts, “If you want to tear newspaper, that’s fine, we’ll reformat the act.” Uh, wait, really? What the fuck were the easy tricks if that is the hard one? God, sometimes I love this show.

Meanwhile, Kimberly and Murray meet up with their assistant to create a wardrobe for the act. Murray is so super flamboyant sometimes. I half expect him to wrap himself up in a boa and start singing like Liza Minnelli. Kimberly wants to rock a Fosse vibe for the show, with all black outfits, so she dresses the assistant in a sensible black dress. Perfect! However, Murray says less is more so the chick strips down to her underpants, like anyone would.

Methinks less is less.

Murray manages to work up a half-hearted boner, but Kimberly doesn’t like the underwear get-up. This, of course, is because she wants to be the hottest one in the act. She claims she wants the magic to speak for itself, but Sideshow Bob rolls his eyes and says nothing will stand out on stage. Then he does exactly what I would do, starts attacking her Pussycat Dolls wardrobe. Yay, Murray! She argues about how that has nothing to do with this, but Murray is like, “Slut sells! That’s your career!” He ends up telling her he doesn’t give a shit, which is obviously not the case. Then he queens out and leaves in a huff. Bye, Murray!

Later, it’s time for rehearsals. Kimberly practices her levitation on her own, which must mean this trick is easy as fuck. I really don’t think she’s all that bright, but even pretending that she is – girlfriend is not smart enough to make herself levitate! After she comes back down to earth, Murray comes back inside and asks what her problem is, like she’s the one who ran away crying. She says she feels like he’s let her down, but she agrees to rehearse together anyway. Smart move, Kimbo.

After Kimberly’s session, Lisa takes the stage to practice. Her act will include Scott Thompson from Kids in the Hall, and she says the ending will be a huge surprise. That’s about all she says though, and then suddenly C. Thomas Howell is on stage. Thanks, editors! His drag character is an alcoholic cocktail waitress, but David Regal isn’t really thrilled with that plan. He says since people don’t know C. Thomas Howell is being forced to wear ladies’ clothes, they’ll think he’s trying to be like Monty Python or something. I’m one of the few people in the world who actually does not like Monty Python, so yes, I will disapprove. C. Thomas Howell says this is his first time doing drag in all of his 40 years, and while I could say he’s actually doing a pretty awesome job, I’m more focused on the fact that he’s only 40. Holy shit, brah, you’re not aging that well!

Soon enough, it’s already time for the show. That’s Lisa’s cue to reveal her big surprise, which is…an Ant cameo. Ugh, fuck. His lips are all herpes-inflamed.

The gift that keeps on giving.

He tells Kimberly they brought him back to the show, which she believes right away even though that would make no sense. Didn’t he do, like, two tricks? I know, you’d think I’d remember having written about all of this in great detail, but nope. No clue. I know he got eliminated though! After awhile, Ant confesses that Lisa asked if he wanted to get even with these S.O.B.s and he was pretty desperate for work anyway, so he agreed. Boy, we’re all so lucky!

Jonathan gets on stage to introduce the show, and you know what’s weird? Sometimes I watch the show for the first time as I recap it and even then it doesn’t hold my attention. That’s not necessarily Celebracadabra‘s fault, but well…it is a little bit. I have to say though, I actually watched this episode before writing this and I was seriously glued to these acts. As much as I regularly root against all of these fools, they’ve actually come a really long way. It’s weird but I’m attached now, and I want them to do well with this! Unfortunately they introduce Lisa first, which means I’ve got a real challenge ahead of me in terms of enjoying the show.

Scott Thompson basically guides the act while she performs tricks, which is pretty cute. He asks her to put kindling in their fireplace, so she tears a newspaper into strips. When he asks for the paper though, she spreads it apart and it’s all back together again. The crowd goes fucking nuts over it, too. Then she turns a pitcher of milk into shreds of paper, makes a table levitate, and then Ant appears – not in a magical way or anything, he just walks out. I wouldn’t want you to think Ant did something impressive! He and Lisa make out, which is unpleasant, and then she bolts him into some restraints. To be fair, that would be my response to the kiss too. She lowers a curtain over him, walks behind it, and Ant comes out the other side and reveals her to be in the restraints. Hal says this part sucks, but luckily Scott and Ant flirt with each other at the end, so I’m sure Hal’s man-lust was sated!

As always, my trick descriptions can’t compare to the real thing, but I have to give Lisa credit. Her routine was so adorable I’ve been thinking about it for the past few days, and my God, thinking of Celebracadabra for longer than I have to is insane! She really did great though, and even though she really brags about how marvelous and brilliant it was, I still like it a whole lot. Maybe not as much as Silly Billy though, since he splooges in his jeans.

Silly Billy, Rapist.

Backstage, Hal prepares with his assistant. It’s the same girl who helped cock up his act at the children’s show, but I guess Hal forgot about that. He’s nervous because he’s taking a huge risk by doing so many tricks. This is true, but the bigger risk is that he’s basically playing Rocco on stage, which the crowd picks up on right away since they all know him super well. Apparently Rocco’s trademark is to blow glitter off his shoulder, so Hal copies that and basically adapts Rocco’s super cocky persona for the performance. That said, the act is pretty breathtaking with the amount of tricks he pulls off. One of the best is turning a candle into a marshmallow, which gets an “Ooh!” from the crowd, basically proving that he kicks ass. He’s truly really skilled when it comes to magic, but C. Thomas Howell says it’s better to be simple instead of too busy. On the other hand, Murray announces backstage that Hal has totally won. Kimberly is thrilled, of course.

She’s up next, and she starts by doing this.

Who knew queefing was a magic trick?

In confessional she says she pulled off an act that no one else could do, but to me it feels more like she’s just the sexy assistant. That’s not because she’s a woman (I’m one, too!), it’s just because she plays really whorey up there. Still, it’s pretty cool when she makes a feather boa turn into a real live lady. Her confessional interview is all about how fabulous she is – she owned the stage, no one else could ever top her, blahblah. That might be true except that she totally effin’ blows the big finale. Whoops! She’s supposed to levitate, and she leads up to it by doing a sexy dance and this psychotic vertical split. Girl is flexible as fuck, but then she climbs onto her little podium and…sits. And sits. And sits some more. Not quite the effect she was going for!

It’s weird that she can’t get the levitation going once she realizes shit’s screwed up. Maybe it’s nerves or something, but it seems like she should be able to start the trick over, right? The fact that she can’t makes me, the conspiracy theorist, think someone missed their cue to haul her up in the air. Who knows! She dances it off and then leaves the stage. Hal says it would’ve been wise to have two extra tricks in the show as a backup for this sort of thing, but Ant’s response is better. “You don’t have to be a magician to realize that you didn’t levitate, honey, but guess who’s flyin’ out the door?” I still hate you, Ant, but that was kind of awesome.

When Kimberly gets off-stage, she says the last thing she wanted was for “the one person in the world I would like to never see again to come up to me and tell me, ‘Good show.’” It would make sense for her to be talking about Ant, but nope, she means Murray! Way to be a bitch, Kim.

C. Thomas Howell closes the show, and dude, when I first saw him in drag, I gasped. I don’t know if that means he looks good or bad, but I guess he looks like a woman? Maybe?

Sassy!

He starts his act by doing a shot, which no one can blame him for. Then he yells, “Forget the ladies, hello gentlemen!” The crowd seems to go for it, but the background music is that sad clown music that’s like “wonk wonk woooonk,” so this one could go either way. His first trick is pouring a variety of drinks from one milk carton, like milk, orange juice, soda, etc. David Regal brings them out to the crowd to make the magicians acknowledge that these really are the real beverages, and C. Thomas Howell shouts, “Hooray!” That’s one of my favorite exclamations of all time, so whether he’s pulling a Monty Python or not, I’m sold! I’m also sold on this moment from confessional.

Fierce.

After the audience confirms the drinks, C. Thomas Howell rips the carton open so people can see it’s not rigged. Hooray indeed! The final bit is what he calls “the famous bottles in a cylinder routine.” If it’s so famous, then I’m assuming I don’t need to describe it! It’s pretty much what it sounds like – he lifts one cylinder, there’s a wine bottle. He lifts another, there’s another bottle! So on and so forth. He also does the cancan, which is the clear highlight. After the show, all the celebs confirm C. Thomas Howell really rocked his handicap, and I would have to agree! Of course I’m biased his way since he’s the most likable, but still, he nailed it.

Lisa hopes she won this round, and even more, she hopes she won a car as her special power. Uh, keep on hoping, darlin’! Hal is pretty sure he won, but so is Kimberly, which is really obviously misguided. The winner would probably need to do all their tricks, right? Kimbo missed that boat.

Time for judging! Judges Jeff and Max are there to make comments, but the audience ultimately decided this round by ranking the contestants from one (awesome) to four (shitballs). C. Thomas Howell and Lisa are called to the front of the stage, and Max says they were both fantastic in different ways. Jeff got so caught up with the waitress character, he was actually fooled by a couple of the tricks, which is probably a pretty big honor coming from Super Magician Man. Forgive me, I can’t remember what his credits are at all. When it comes to Lisa, Super Magician Man praises her for performing true magic theatre. Max even says he’d book that act, which makes her burst into tears. That’s a crazy high compliment, sure, but shut up, Lisa.

Unfortunately for them, the judges didn’t pick this round’s winner. The victor won by only one vote, and that one vote goes to C. Thomas Howell! Yay, drag queens! He’ll receive next week’s special power, and Lisa just gets to stick around for another week. Either Kimberly or Hal won’t be able to say the same, though. Hal says it could go either way, but uh, no. It’s gotta be Kimberly, dude. Max agrees, saying this is a magic contest, and her act had almost no magic. Jonathan says the busted trick wasn’t a big deal, but her wardrobe was a problem since everything was black and she blended into the background. Sideshow Bob can barely contain his laughter.

Doin’ the “told ya so” dance.

Max applauds Hal’s tricks, but Jeff says there wasn’t enough Hal. There was too much Rocco in the performance, with which I totally agree. After all, I’m the ultimate judge here! Hal gets really snotty after he hears that, doing that thing you see all the time on American Idol. He’s all like, “If the judges don’t recognize my talent, then I don’t care what they think! They’re just jealous!” You’re doing magic tricks, guy. Grow up.

Even if they don’t agree, Hal and Kimberly are the bottom two and one of them’s gotta go. Predictably, it’s Kim’s time to leave. Before Jonathan makes her disappear, Kimberly squeals about how this broad will continue to do magic. I’m sure she’ll make quite a living off of it, too.

Next time, the final three celebs have to do David Blaine’s kind of magic, which could be legitimately awesome! Put someone in chains and make them hold their breath for ten minutes, and I’m totally there. Keep your fingers crossed for a reality TV death! I know that’s wishful thinking, but shoot for the moon and you’ll land among the stars.