Celebracadabra: The Final Countdown

Gasmii, I’m going to be completely honest here. This round of Celebracadabra is like a clip show but less good. They’re torturing us by stretching out the final two’s big ten-minute performance, but I’m hoping it’ll work to our advantage. Maybe their plane will crash on the way to Las Vegas! Don’t ever lose hope.

We begin by meeting the celebs at LAX, preparing to fly to Vegas for the big show. Rocco realizes he can’t bring his lighters on the plane, so he goes through an elaborate process of making them disappear. You know what’s easier? Throwing ‘em in the trash. Hal ejaculates over this trick, at least until C. Thomas Howell shows up and then things get all tensified.

C. Thomas Howell explains that last week, Hal eavesdropped on C. Thomas Howell’s confessional session. You know, the one where he fake cried about how Hal’s such a pussy and everything? Awkward! Hal claims he was only 18 feet away so he couldn’t help overhearing, and his response is to tell C. Thomas Howell, “Be a person.” In C. Thomas Howell’s defense, he’s being a person, just a person who hates Hal Sparks. They hug it out but agree to hate each other, even though Rocco’s like, “We’re all going to be friends when this is done!” It’s weird that Rocco is the most cheerful of the bunch; kind of says a lot about the atmosphere, right? As they all head into the airport, the camera pans in ominously on some cards Rocco left on the ground. This would be more effective if, well, this wasn’t Celebracadabra.

Meaningful!

Rocco and Hal go up to the counter and ask how much for two tickets to Vegas right this minute. Then Hal pulls a string of money out of his mouth, and LOL, MAGIC TRICKS. Oh my God, I cannot believe they are doing this in public. This is why people hate magicians and clowns! Hal explains people aren’t privy to the fact that he’s learning magic, so they don’t get his enthusiasm. As someone who is privy to this information, I still don’t get it. Shut yer yap, Hal. When C. Thomas Howell gets to the counter, he does a card trick. The employees are visibly like, “Sir, we are fucking working,” and then they mock the lame tricks once the celebs walk away. I like that kind of sass! Hal and C. Thomas Howell watch them laugh but do not understand that they’re laughing at them, not with them.

Me so barfy.

Once on the plane, the cameras continue to record these unnecessary tricks, which seem like a safety hazard. Hal proceeds to make shit disappear for flight attendants and he’s like, “Anyone who can do magic during turbulence deserves extra peanuts!” No, you actually deserve to be thrown off the plane. This episode is making me very hateful.

After what feels like hours, they make it to Vegas and head to the Steve Wyrick Theatre in Planet Hollywood, where they’ll be performing. Jonathan hasn’t shown up, so the celebs just sit around like jerks until he finally makes an appearance surrounded by showgirls. Chicks just follow him around all the time, by the way. Jonathan explains the final two will be opening for Steve, and they’ll have one week to prepare an act with as much magic as they can pack in. It has to include at least three grand illusions, which hopefully means at least three points where they could die. The phobia magic wasn’t enough for me! The winner will score 100 grand, plus the title of Ultimate Celebrity Magician, which Jonathan thinks is more important. These folks aren’t in this for the money at all, you know? Don’t be silly!

Jonathan warns that they’ll be performing for a legitimate audience now – gone are the days of senior citizens or school children. He says the audience will be expecting something like this, and then Steve appears in an elevator that drops from the ceiling. It’s weird, sometimes tricks sound a lot less exciting when written out but other times they sound exactly as boring as they really are. This is one of those times. Steve welcomes everyone to the theatre and invites the group back to see his show tonight. The celebs will also get to troll through Steve’s warehouse and pick out some dangerous tricks for their own shows. Eee! He says they’ll be harder than anything the guys have ever done before, and then he makes a crack about strippers, although he doesn’t quite make the “hard” and “stripper” connection. That’s a let down.

Since the guys made it so far, they’ll both have a special power this week. They can either bring back a coach or a celebrity magician, which oh God, probably means we’ll see more of Silly Billy and/or Lisa Ann Walter. Please make it stop. C. Thomas Howell says he’s torn between Carnie Wilson and Murray. If he picks Carnie Wilson, he’s really super fucking stupid. Luckily his magician convinces him that Carnie is useless, so C. Thomas Howell invites Murray to join their act. Hal decides to pick a celebrity, since he is a fool, so he chooses Kimberly. That’s the perfect plan! Kimberly, who cocked up many routines, is a far better choice than another magician who could really assist with tricks. Ah, intelligence.

Later that night, the group sits down to watch Steve’s show. It’s pretty impressive – I can’t hate on this guy since he’s making more money than I’ll ever make, you know? C. Thomas Howell and Hal are blown away by the show, although it makes Hal worry because neither of them has the skills needed to perform with Steve.

What’s so hard about riding a flaming motorcycle?

The next day, our finalists head to Steve’s warehouse to gawk at his tricks up close. One of the tricks involves crawling through the spinning blades of a fan, which Hal immediately volunteers for, and another is the standard trick where a girl gets sawed in a half. Hal takes that, too, and then takes the trick where he’ll make a Bengal tiger appear. By the way, those are the only three tricks they’ve been offered so far, so C. Thomas Howell is basically left out in the cold. Sad panda! He picks whatever’s left, which are the flaming motorcycle, something with a big safe, and a levitation trick. In confessional he runs his mouth about how he’s choosing a few tricks to do extremely well, but let’s be honest: Hal picked the good ones, C. Thomas Howell took the rest. But I have faith he shall persevere!

His next routine features this ventriloquist’s dummy.

Unsurprisingly, Hal and Rocco quickly start arguing about the order of their show. Hal suddenly wants to do five tricks, for he is a fool (have I said that before?), and even cocky Rocco thinks that’s a bad plan. They decide to get lunch and then talk about the show some more, but first Steve calls everyone over and asks to do an experiment. Rocco goes, “Magic?!” like a little boy, and you kind of expect Steve to be like, “Yeah, magic, no shit.” C. Thomas Howell and Hal each hold one side of a cloth, and when Steve pulls it down, a handful of gals appear.

Yikes, more phobia magic!

Next we jump to C. Thomas Howell’s first day of rehearsal. David Regal is like, “There are so many elements, like women, lights, and sound.” David is so flamingly gay, so it’s not shocking that the lady part frightens him. Both he and C. Thomas Howell are really ill-prepared for this performance, but they decide to write a story that will touch the audience, or something like that. It doesn’t make a whole lot of sense but hey, if it separates him from Hal and gives him the edge, go for it! Luckily Murray shows up to help with the magic part, and he’s really excited to be part of the act.

Murray advises that Las Vegas crowds want to see big flashy shows, and considering he’s a regular Vegas performer, he probably knows what he’s talking about. David disagrees though, arguing that Murray’s too pushy. Of course that’s VH1′s cue to show Murray being a huge douchebag. For example, David asks if they can focus on another aspect of the show and Murray responds like, “Sure. Anyway, back to what I was saying.” He adds that he sees a lot of mistakes in C. Thomas Howell’s show, mainly because David’s a shitty magician. Then they start getting into a weird catfight while C. Thomas Howell hangs out on the sidelines, twiddling his nipples. These two are like an angry divorced couple at their son’s big game, and it’s not like C. Thomas Howell can create his own show, so he’s left to awkwardly tough it out.

Soon it’s time for Hal’s first day of rehearsal. He’s working with a harem of women apparently, so there’s about ten minutes of him hugging all of them. Rocco takes the camera aside and bitches extensively about Hal, which I love! He says Hal wanted all the attention on him as soon as the girls showed up, but to be fair, I think Hal wants the attention all the time. He’s taking all the credit for every trick, even though Rocco and Steve created all of it, and mostly he’s just a huge dickbag. As most viewers will know, that’s how he rolls.

Kimberly shows up soon after he starts rehearsing, and you know what’s weird? I saw the new Pussycat Dolls video and felt like Kimberly was an old friend. This means my life is sad more than anything, but I don’t know, I’m almost glad to see her again. Note that I said “almost”! Hal says Kimberly would’ve been tougher competition than C. Thomas Howell, which is crap, but he thinks she’ll be a huge asset. Most likely she’ll flash hers while she’s here, too.

Dance, monkeys, dance!

The next day, the finalists visit a costume warehouse to deck themselves out for the show. C. Thomas Howell picks a weird leprechaun suit and then dresses David up in a feather boa. It’s queer, as you can imagine, so David describes the costume sections as “a little gay” and then “really gay.” Perfect! They agree on a tang-colored suit, while Hal tries on shit that makes him look like Mystery from The Pick-Up Artist. He dresses his harem, too, while Rocco gets no say in anything. There’s such a huge contrast in the two performers; C. Thomas Howell is wisely deferring to David for most things, and Hal is like, “I’ve been doing magic all my life!” The real magic is that he hasn’t been punched in the face yet.

Later, C. Thomas Howell heads to a bar to get his drink on. He decides to meet with Murray while he’s there, since David and Murray still hate each other and it’s getting a little Awkwardsville. Murray agrees to tone himself down, and since that’s surprisingly settled in about 14 seconds, C. Thomas Howell goes off to gamble. Well, all right! By the way, I have no idea why they devoted an entire episode to this.

Hal is hard at work back in the theatre.

You guys, come check out this Youtube video.

Kimberly choreographs a dance routine for the harem, and Hal hangs out inside a big glass tube. Rocco’s role in the show is mostly to mock Hal in confessional, but he tries to visit Hal in the tube and give notes. Hal responds by saying, “Cool” and then walks away. His act appears to be more of a disaster than anyone could describe, but he keeps terming it the flowerbed of creativity or something. It’s like GOB from Arrested Development, but actually worse.

When C. Thomas Howell gets back on stage, shockingly things have gone awry between David and Murray again! The thing is, no one is really doing anything offensive. It’s mostly just the two of them marching around saying they can’t believe this. They also can’t believe how shitty this theatre is, which is pretty shitty. C. Thomas Howell plans to escape from a safe, but it’s kind of a downer when they raise the safe and it crashes to the floor right away. Whoops, could’ve killed someone! That’s a shame.

Soon, blissfully, the show goes live! Our finalists are both terrified but both think they can win. Obviously that can’t happen, but when you look at them both…maybe magic really is their calling.

Are they fit for any other profession?

For real, they want to know. Whoever blows this next round really needs some cash.