Celebrity Apprentice: And Then There Were Two

Last week we saw a shooting Star and thank God she’s finally gone.  In the suite, Lil Jon says, “Meat’s not just gonna go out like a little bitch.”  No kidding.  But John thinks Meat’s in trouble.  The door opens and in walks Meat.  All the men jump and scream and hug.  It’s like they’re women.  When they find out Star was let go they are shocked.

Star’s gone, so…those are tears of joy, yes?

Marlee walks in and she is pretty shaken up.  She can’t really look at anyone and they help her sit down, and then she just loses it.   She interviews she was upset about the argument that occurred, losing the task and not getting money for her charity, and Star being fired.  So…those are tears of joy at the end, right?

Dun-dun-dunnn!  Trump walks in and Lil Jon says, “I was like whoa, wow, are you serious?!”  Uh, it’s his show and his building so yes, he’s serious and he probably ducks in and watches you sleep at night.  Also, you seem easily impressed for a celebrity.

Yes, salute Trump despite his lack of military service.

Trump tells them they will all be interviewed by former winners Piers Morgan, Joan Rivers and Bret Michaels.  Meh.  I would have preferred George, Don Jr. and Ivanka, but I guess this is Celebrity Apprentice so I get it.

Jesus, who were the LOSERS?

Our finalist show up for their interviews and they intersperse the interviews with the reviews to Trump, which helps break up the boredom of the interviews.  At this point, I was predicting Marlee and John.

Off to the races!

Trump talks to his “winners” and they start with John Rich.  Bret says he’s top of the competitors and is a fighter.  Then we switch over to the interview itself and Piers asks, “Who would you chuck under a bus?” and my first thought is you, Piers.  I don’t particularly care for him, mostly because when he took over for Larry King he said his interviews would be different and unique and blah, blah, blah he softballs them in.  The only thing different is that he sucks.

I didn’t think John would answer this question because it was kind of rude, but he flat out says Meat Loaf because he’s either crying or screaming, then he says Marlee.  John, don’t be a jerk.  We all know that you throw Star under the bus first, then Gary Busey to see if he can break her fall (he can’t).

The smokey eye kind of works on him.

John talks about how he has written a lot for the projects and every time he wrote, they won, and he can do a left brain/right brain thing when he writes and project manages.  Piers jumps down his throat and says he keeps going on about the songwriting, and John doesn’t correct him, but John wrote more than just songs – he did ads, marketing, branding – get bent, Piers!  Nobody likes you, including your own mother!

John treats this as a real interview and I love it.  Joan asks what the others will say negatively about him and he says no one has said anything bad about him so far (totally true!) and Piers being the douchy mcdoucherson that he is says, “Not even your hat?”  Asshole of the highest order.  Then he and Joan go back and forth on Clint Black’s hat and how dirty it was and Piers says he didn’t like what was “under the hat.”  Please do and say something relevant.

Bret asks about the friendship John has with Lil Jon and John says he has “a new gear” and he can win a lot of money for his charity, so he is not worried about his friends on the show.

Piers brings up the songwriter stuff to Trump and says he thinks John has been on a great team which is why he’s done so well.  Dude, he actually works hard and is smart, too, so maybe it’s the other people who were on the great team.  Hate!

Next is Lil Jon and Bret says he really admires him as an entrepreneur and calls him a “sleeper.”  Bret says “he didn’t get here by accident.”  I like Bret, he’s well-spoken and, well, cleaner than I thought he’d be.

Bret tells Lil Jon in the interview that he likes the fact that he’s cool under pressure, but worries he may be too laid back.  Lil Jon says he wouldn’t be there if he wasn’t great under pressure.  Good call.

Although I think the bigger question is “Is Lil John even AWAKE for this interview?”

Joan asks him who thinks the final two will be and he says, “John Rich and myself…” EXCEPT instead of saying himself, he says MARLEE.  Joan is like WTF and Piers actually sits up and says, “What?”  Together they say, “Not you?”  Eh, enjoy being fired later.

Lil Jon goes to explain and Piers calls him a loser and keeps interrupting until Lil Jon says, “Let me finish!”  Seriously, Piers, shut the hell up…would that you could be this tough in your REAL interviews.  Lil Jon basically says, look, I came here to win money, I won $80,000, but in comparison to John and Marlee I’m not really in the running.

Joan asks about Meat Loaf and Lil Jon says Meat wears his heart on his sleeve.  And sometimes in his fists (although he has never hit anyone).  Piers is like he cries all the time and Lil Jon is like, “Not all the time.”  Also, Lil Jon wants to beat the shit out of Piers for being a jerk and Lil Jon, I will totally be your alibi on this one.

Bret asks if Lil Jon had to go up against John what would happen.  Lil Jon says look, we’re friends, but “if we’ve gotta fight, we’ve gotta fight.”  He says his persona looks one way but he’s got a great mind and he can bring when he needs to. I totally believe him.

Piers asks him the second reason (behind his charity) that he joined the show.  Lil Jon says to show people that not all rappers are “blunt-smoking, crack-selling, ignorant people.”  Yes, they just play them on TV.  Joan wants names.

And to know which one would Lil John grab by the balls.

In their meeting with Trump, Bret is concerned Lil Jon is too laid back despite how “explosive” he is onstage but Piers brings up the fact that Lil Jon didn’t consider himself a final contender.  Although he backtracked, Piers had made up his mind.  Good for you, sweetie.

Moving on…Meat Loaf.  They consider him emotional but passionate.  In his interview, Piers asks him what he’d like to be called, Meat Loaf, Mr. Loaf, and Meat says, “Meat.”  Glad we got that out of the way.

Meat sidesteps the first questions by asking Bret how he’s doing since he’s had a mess of health issues from a brain hemorrhage, hole in his heart and probably a myriad of STDs thanks to former girlfriend Pamela Anderson.   Then Joan starts in on Meat’s age because he’s the oldest one there.  Well, of the remaining four, yes, but Dionne’s like 900, isn’t she?

Joan says for her it was an asset because she wanted to show the young ones she could do the show with one hand behind her back – probably to hold her granny panties up – so how does Meat feel?  Well, what the hell is he going to say?  He says it was valuable and he brought a lot of enthusiasm and energy to the tasks.  That’s one way of putting it.

Piers douches out and says, “I heard you cried a lot.”  Asshole²!  Meat says he cried because he feels very passionately about The Painted Turtle (which is starting to sound like a Picasso painting or whorehouse) and he’s more passionate about that charity than anyone else is about theirs.  I beg to differ, I think John would cut you good if he thought he could win money for the children, THE CHILDREN!

Piers continues to be an ass and ask Meat how wise it is to be that emotional in a business setting.  As many men will tell you, they LOVE IT when women get emotional at work (we try but sometimes the tears have a mind of their own), so yes, I get the line of questioning, but this is for charity so everyone chill.  Meat isn’t going to be Trump’s next executive VP of everything.

Piers says he hears Meat has anger management issues (he should stop by and say hello to Jose Canseco!) and that he almost beat up Gary Busey.  Remember how I’d be Lil Jon’s alibi?  Same goes for Meat if he ever decides to kick Piers’s or Gary’s asses.  I’ll just tell the police he and Lil Jon were at my house playing Jenga.

Meat says he never hit or came close to hitting Gary, he just wanted Gary to know where he stood.  Bret says his concern is where Meat will focus that kind of energy.  Bret flat-out tells him the John and Lil Jon threw him under the bus and he was surprised at that.  Ouch.  Meat counters with Lil Jon is lazy but doesn’t really trash on John Rich (who would?  He’s awesome!).

Meat says when he got to the show, he felt he was the biggest celebrity there.  Piers calls it arrogant, I call it silly – is Meat still relevant?  Also, I think Marlee trumps him with her Academy Award and I hate to say it, but Dionne is pretty big (as a celeb AND a bitch).  David Cassidy is pretty big – or was to people my age (well, I was a Leif Garrett gal, not really into Cassidys)…Gary Busey is big although crazy.  Damn, Meat IS an arrogant prick!  “It’s the truth,” Meat says.  Holy Shiite Muslim, that is rude.

In the meeting with Trump, Bret says Meat wears his heart on his sleeve and Trump asks Bret if he knew that – he did.  Trump says he’s never seen anything like it – Meat is strong one minute, cries like a little bitch the next, but is also smart (he added that quickly).  Joan’s question is can Meat control it?  I’m going to say no.

And now Marlee…Joan says she was blow away by her and Bret calls her hot and a fighter.  You know, that is kind of sexist, but if Clooney were on this show and I were judging, I’d say he’s a hot piece of ass and funny, so I guess it’s all how we roll in secret.  And Clooney is both.

Do you find signing gets in the way of people seeing your boobies?

Joan asks Marlee where she keeps her Oscar – probably on the auction block now – and she says in her office with her kids’ fingerprints.  Piers asks her what was harder, winning an Oscar or this and she says this show for sure.

Bret asks about her disability (SO NOT politically correct, Bret, people may feel that way about your bandana), and how close the charity is to her heart if that will be hard to go toe-to-toe with someone.  She says she hates when people put her in that “deaf” box (what about the flight attendant who put you in the blind box?), and she calls Bret out for being a diabetic.  It’s just a label but doesn’t really show what the person can do.

Piers solidifies his doucheyness by saying being deaf must have been an advantage and he wishes he’d been deaf during most of his time on the show so he didn’t have to hear the other people.  Then he mentions having to listen to Omarosa and suddenly I get it.  She is awful.

Piers points out she had one amazing task where she raised money but she’s been getting weaker with each subsequent task.  She disagrees.  He asks about her “heavy hitters” for another fundraising task and she pretty much admits she’s tapped out – well no shit, two of the tasks were basically calling and asking for money. You can only do that so many times and to so many people.  Duh.

Piers asks her if she can win and she says yes.  But Piers focuses on the money when he discusses Marlee with Trump and Trumps like, meh, who gives a shit, the last task isn’t about calling your parents and begging for money.  Trump says everyone is impressive and it will be hard decision.  Except you know as well as I do who the two are going to be.

Wait – wait!  Where am I?

BOARDROOM!  Hope they wore their Depends!  Trump calls them all stars but they are all different people.  He says his three previous winners came up with two recommendations but he still wants to drag this out.

John Rich!  Who would you pick?  John says himself and Marlee…however, wouldn’t it be smarter to pick someone weak so you could win?  I would have picked Meat.

Lil Jon says he’d pick himself and…John Rich.  Marlee picks herself and John Rich.  Meat picks himself and John Rich.  I wonder if John Rich will be in the final two?

I can’t believe it’s not butter!

Trump mentions Lennox Lewis who was on his show, and when he was asked who should be picked for the finals he didn’t say himself, and Trump fired him.  Lil Jon has to either be really sick right now or really relieved, because he knows what’s coming.  Trump tells Lil Jon his advisors hated his answer when he didn’t say he should be in the finals.  “Lil Jon, you’re fired!”  He shakes everyone’s hand (Meat kisses his hand – ick) and leaves.

And I was going to make you Secretary of Cool when I got elected!

Get a room you two, Trump no likey gay marriage.

And then there were three.  He asks all three to tell Trump why he/she should be kept.  It’s all about the children, the hearing, the children.  Basically, they just tell Trump they are awesome and should stay.  Meat gets very caught up in his charity and almost breaks down.  Enjoy being fired.

Trump tells Meat the advisors liked his passion but disliked his emotional way.  Trump says he loves the fact that Meat cries (lie) and tells Meat maybe he should teach him how to cry.  “Might be good for my image,” he says.  John says, “If you cried it might be the first sign of the apocalypse.”  Ouch!  And it would have been second sign if Trump had announced he WAS running for president.

I am stoic…brick wall, brick wall, brick wall…don’t cry.

Yeah, too much emotion ain’t good, so he wasn’t recommended to be in the final two.  But it’s Trump’s final decision, and so, “Meat Loaf, you’re fired.”

And I’m too tired to point so here’s my thumb.

Then Meat goes to thank Trump and he breaks down crying as he says he found out things about himself and what he could do.  Everyone hugs and Meat tries to hide how bummed out he is by pointing and teasing Amanda (Hello Kitty diary entry, “The big crying one has departed!”), high-fiving the elevator operator and once again pointing at Amanda.

Catch you in the funny papers!

Marlee and John hug and high-five and get back to the suite and high-five and they both interview that they shouldn’t underestimate the other, they are going to win against the other one, blah, blah, blah, get to the task.

Last chance to grope before we become mortal frenemies.

The FINAL task – the winner gets $250,000 and the title of CELEBRITY APPRENTICE.  The Chief Marketing Officer from 7Up is here to tell them about the next task.  7Up is going back in time and they need John and Marlee to help them launch 7Up Retro, “a product made with real sugar” (say it ain’t so!) to celebrate the cola’s heritage.

Let the spazzing begin!

They have three tasks for this one big task – design retro packaging and in-store display, write, create and produce a 7Up Retro commercial, and launch 7Up Retro at a “star-studded event” that they create.  You can choose the 1970s and the Harlem Globe Trotters (I never understood the appeal) or the 1980s with Def Leppard (ditto).  However, I loved the 80s, especially those tall bangs lacquered with Final Net, so that’s what I would have chosen.  Also, I hate bell-bottoms almost as much as skinny jeans.

The CMO and another 7Up exec will be the final decision makers on who did the best job based on the following criteria (please say branding, please say branding!):  your creativity and design of the packaging and in-store display, the commercial, the launch event and the inclusion of your decade and charity and 7Up “uncola” personality into everything that you do.  Wait!  No branding?  And you have to include the decade, charity and soda’s personality in EVERYTHING they do?  Man, where is Gary Busey when you need him?

The CMO also says 7Up is giving each of them $50,000 to each of their charities right now – no matter who wins the additional cash.  That is pretty cool, thanks 7Up.  Marlee interviews she’s relieved it’s not a fundraiser.  We ALL are.

Trump says they need some help with the task so he brings out a stream of fired celebrities – Meat, Lil John, Star, LaToya, Mark McGrath and…Richard Hatch?  Wasn’t he in jail by this time?  He went back in early March.

Shouldn’t that last one be somewhere else trying not to drop the shower soap?

So Marlee gets to pick which decade she wants and she chooses the 1970s – turns out she loves the 70s and loves sports, so she wants the Harlem Globe Trotters.  John is shocked because he didn’t think she’d leave him with music.  John is like “jackpot!”  Marlee says she knows what she’s doing so she’s not worried.

John gets first choice on the team.  He chooses Lil Jon.  Marlee of course will pick Star EXCEPT SHE DOESN’T and she picks…Meat Loaf?  What in the name of f#ck is she thinking?  She says it’s because he’s Mr. 70s.  Oh man.  They tell him not to cry.

John picks Mark…excellent choice although spastic.  Marlee picks Star…wait, she picks Richard Hatch!  WHAT THE HELL?  Are you kidding me?  I mean, I know he’s conniving and shrewd, but does he actually do anything well besides being sneaky?  Marlee interviews that they lost the last task and Star did the brand management and that’s what they didn’t like.  However, they also hated the concept MEAT LOAF, so I really wonder what she’s thinking.  She wanted new blood.  This is not the time to find your groove with people you’ve never worked with!

Wait, what just happened here?

John gets Star and Marlee by default gets LaToya.  Wow, Marlee has the worst team ever!  Those poor deaf kids.  Well, at least they are skinny.

Seriously, how the hell did this clusterf#ck happen?

Holy shit, the show finds some old 70s videos to edit together and damn, you all should be ashamed of yourselves. No one needs to see red matching jumpsuits on couples.  What an ugly decade and we are all stuck with those memories!

Meat says nothing defined the 70s like the Harlem Globe Trotters, disco and “Stayin’ Alive.”  What about The Jackson 5?  I bet LaToya was pissed.  So they have three days to do all of this.  And let’s have Meat take over and get them started on the right path.

“Put me in a fairy suit with wings and my wand is the can,” he says.  Because fairies were big in the 70s?  Because someone is about to lose a lot of teeth?  Because HOW THE HELL DOES THIS MAKE SENSE?

You can’t be serious this isn’t serious oh shit he’s serious.

“Not that I’m trying to steal the show, I just think that’s f#cking funny,” he says.  In what universe?  And how does that help the uncola/retro/re-launch or connect with the Globe Trotters?  Marlee avoids the confrontation by saying today they need to focus on the packaging.  Phew, close one!

LaToya says it’s the first time she worked with Meat and “he’s everywhere.”   She says his ideas are kind of wacky.  Then Meat says for the commercial he’d like to tie the spinning ball to the disco ball to the dancers.  Now here’s where he could be on to something – but instead of tying it to the dancers (there are dancers?), what about tying it to the red dot of 7Up?  That could be totally cool.

Then he starts talking about a retro can of 7Up crashing through the wall of a place where there are dancers…you mean like Kool-Aid?  Bitch, don’t mess with Kool-Aid.  And he says the can is spinning.  Holy shit, someone put a leash on him.

Richard Hatch says, “While that’s in your head,” and everyone chuckles, “let’s get back to task.”  Thank God there’s an adult here.

Marlee says she came up with two mottos, which is always dangerous when you don’t really have a theme or idea.  What ever happened to brainstorming?  “Feel the pump” and “Celebrate the pump” are her two totally not brilliant ideas.  What the hell is the pump?  And why are we feeling and or/celebrating it?  Pin.  Drop.

Richard says this is the first time he’s working with Marlee and he’s worried.  She was trying to get ideas from the group but that it morphed into anybody saying what they thought.  You mean like a brainstorming session?  Unfortunately this is not even a light shower let alone a storm.

LaToya brings up roller skates, bell bottoms and a boom box and at least she’s back to the 70s.  And Richard’s concern was they were going from the poster to the stand-up to the box and it’s a mess.  Just another reason to work with people you know – you already have a groove with them.  Marlee made a yooooge mistake in the team she chose.

So over to the 80s – Ah, remember Reagan and Swatch Watches?!  Aerobics and a younger Trump – ack!

Star asks “Mr. Rich” if he wants an all-over schedule or a day-by-day.  Can’t he have both?  John wants a day-by-day which he’ll get “in about 30” Star says.  Lil Jon is going to direct the commercial, Star is logistics and Mark is an “overall creative” guy.  This is a great team.

Hey Spazmo, it’s not time to do the Hokey Pokey.

They immediately come up with “7Up – Still Keeping It Real,” which totally makes sense – bring up the fact that they’ve been around a lot time and the “real” could be about the sugar.  Plus, there are no old fat guys in fairy costumes, so I’m in.  Damn.

Back on Team Failure Marlee, Meat looks like he’s eating a whole pie on his own (maybe it’s Chinese) and he says the box of soda should be designed as a boom box and the can should be a disco ball.  DUH, there is a ball on the logo, why not use that instead?

Marlee interviews that Meat took over the task like he did before but she let it go because there was so much to do.  Not good project management.  Also, part of the reason you lost last time is Meat’s TERRIBLE idea!

Sweet Christ, what have I done?

Marlee agrees with the box and can idea.  “I would love that,” she says.  Why?  It sucks.  Now they come up with a phrase and it’s “Feel the Love.”  Holy shit.

Then things take a turn for the worse.

Now they are taking pictures of Richard in a Saturday Night Fever pose for a silhouette graphic for the box, and they make it  “thinner.”  Yeah, I hear ya.  Still…odd.

Back on Team Winner, Mark suggests they use zebra print as the can design…now either I was a stuck-up honors student who dressed to preppy to notice zebra print (pearls with sweatshirts anyone?) but I don’t really remember zebra being the in pattern in the 80s.  I remember whales and hearts and sailboats on turtlenecks.  Hard to believe I never dated in high school, huh?

Anyway, they all love the zebra idea and the truth is, it would be eye-catching.  John says it’s like Van Halen pants, and now that makes sense and I’m starting to remember.  Lil Jon helps out with designing the cans…they look at different colors, narrow it down to the green or the black, and decide on the black.  Mark brings up a great point that this will really jump out at the grocery store.  He’s got that right.

But dude, you MUST chill.

“I like being the only woman on the team,” Star says, because for a moment we forgot it wasn’t actually about HER.  Mark says, “You’re official Backbone, toots,” and I bet somewhere on Team Marlee a big guy twitched like a bat outta hell.  She says they respect her, take care of her, and then the horniness comes out.  “I have the biggest crush on JR,” she says.

So with a glass of wine in her hand, she says, “You got to treat me like me,” and John says how do you like to be treated? In a very flirtatious and totally buzzed on the chardonnay way, she says walks right up to him and says, “How do you like to treat me?”  Like a naughty whore who is hitting on a married man with a new baby?  Then she says, “Don’t get up in my face if you ain’t ready to go.”  Oh. My God.

Baby WANTS to do a bad, bad thing.  Heel, Star!

John has his arm around her and gives her the forehead kiss and she says, “I love big daddy Rich,” and he says he thinks she really does and she says, “I really do!”  Star, no one has beer goggles that thick, honey.

And the A number one scene is this next one.  John interviews that Star said if he wasn’t married, she would date him.  John makes a funny face and one of the pictures behind him actually falls off the wall as if the universe were crying out, NO!  NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!  John totally cracks up and screams, “YEAH!  Are you kidding me?”  And someone off-camera says, “It’s a sign” and John ends it with, “And…scene!”  Best interview ever!

The Fates are telling you something, and it’s RUN!

Ivanka shows up to see what Team Marlee is up to and Meat asks if they mind if he tells her the whole idea.  Ivanka totally and politely kicks him in the balls about taking over and “wasn’t  that what you got in trouble for in the last boardroom.”  Meat gets a little pissed and says he did not take over, then puts Marlee on the spot and she says no, he didn’t.

Meat goes over the idea and it sounds worse when someone actually says their idea out loud.  Ivanka says her concern that she’s being dominated Meat – how can she rein him in while still letting him be creative.  Uh, she can’t.

Over at Team John, they show her the can and Ivanka says she knows Jon was thrilled with the 80s choice.  She said John has a very strong team.  Ivanka picks up the can and gives us a good shot of hers.  She says she thinks the zebra can is very “emblematic” of the 80s and seriously, she was born in 1981.  Please don’t try to understand the decade when you were barely there.

Back on Team Marlee, LaToya is supervising Meat calling a costume place to get women’s bell bottom pants.  The two of them head out to get costumes, apparently at Marlee’s direction (probably to get Meat out of her hair – good move!).  Meat calls LaToya darling as they leave.

Yes, calling about bell bottoms really is a two-person job.

Marlee and Richard look at the box and the boom box idea really isn’t working and Richard says it out loud.  Finally!  Once Meat leaves, Marlee finds her balls and decides the box won’t work as a boom box and instead they turn the background into the squares of a disco ball.  It’s okay.

Team John is moving forward except for Lil Jon who is all of a sudden really tired.  He’s probably beat from going full steam up to the last task, the interviews and just having to deal with Star’s horniness.  That has to be taxing.

Does he need Head & Shoulder or Frontline?

John interviews he needs a sense of urgency and he’s not seeing it with Lil Jon and they need to come up with some kind of idea.  Mark spazzes out per his usual agreement with the world but then manages to come up with a semi-non-sucky concept for the commercial:  80s icons auditions.  That’s smart because it pulls in the 80s and the whole American Idol thing that the youth of today might get.

But he is seriously at risk for a stroke if he doesn’t calm down.

First up would be Madonna, the next guy comes out and he’s sort of like Michael Jackson but they’ll probably be cooler than that because of LaToya, and finally a heavy metal rocker comes out and he’s bad, but he drinks the 7Up and then he’s a true 80s icon.  “7Up, Still Keeping it Real.”  Brilliant.  And Lil Jon is not pleased.  Or he’s sleeping behind the sunglasses.

Ah crap, Meat and LaToya are back and they brought back horrifying 70s costumes.  Meat is very disturbed that they changed the box.  Also, why is he wearing pearls?  Hard to take seriously.

Look!  Grandma’s here!

Meat says they are making a huge, huge, huge, giant mistake.  He says Ivanka thought that was an amazing idea.  They must have edited that scene out because I sure as shit didn’t get that feeling.  Meat says the 7Up people want to be different and that box really isn’t.

Feel the LOSS is more like it.

Richard interviews that Meat gets wound and wound up…he thinks Marlee needs to step in to control the situation.  You know, the thing is, she could just sign to her elf and have him say it…let him sort of be the bad guy.  Marlee makes a pretty weak argument and says her charity has to do with deaf people and a boom box doesn’t make sense.  Are those third world deafies going to be at the launch party, because I’m guessing no.  So that argument is total bullshit.  Say, “I’m the project manager, this is the decision I’ve made, now why in the hell are you wearing pearls the size of Trump’s actual balls?”

Meat argues to look at the marketplace, not deafies.  Finally she says, “It didn’t look good.” Done and done.  He thinks she will lose the entire task from that box.  Oh calm down, Mamie.

Instead, Mamie is getting ready to blow.

So…Who does Team John know that would fit into the 80s icon commercial?  John mentions Pauly Shore…only if you want to lose and be irritated to hell and back while that happens.  He mentions Tiffany lives in Nashville…you know, I’ve always heard great things about Nashville, but between Tiffany, The Judds, Billy Ray Cyrus, Jessica Simpson, Keith Urban and Nicole Kidman, it sounds like a bunch of douchebags live there.  And they wouldn’t know how to start their lawnmowers either.

John says he can get Dee Snider from Twisted Sister.  Oh, come on, Gordon Ramsey did the same thing a few years ago.  Man.  However, he is available and he’s willing to do it – but he’s sporting a Fu Manchu handlebar mustache for a Broadway show (ironic since on Kitchen Nightmares, the restaurant they were trying to save was called The Handlebar!) and by contract he’s not allowed to shave it.  D’oh!  I bet he works something out for Star’s new boyfriend John.

Marlee interviews they designed the cans, the box and the in-store display of Richard (I’m wondering if Saturday Night Fever owns the rights to that image).   Now they have to focus on the commercial.  I hope Meat brings his good ideas to the table!

Maybe if I do this instead of taking control I will win!

Meat pipes up that CBs were big in the 70s and they really were.  Then Marlee says her idea is to have the 7Up can stomping out all the fads from the 70s, leaving 7Up as something that stood the test of time.    Meat calls it irreverent and edgy.  Or stupid.  Either way.

Home Alone X:  Trump Towers!

They find the original guy who did 7Up commercials and I don’t really remember this guy.  They want to bring him back to incorporate him into the commercial.  Yeah, $20 says he is since clearly he hasn’t been seen since the 70s.  They call him and he answers his own damn phone…they found him in like 30 seconds.  He agrees to be a part of the show and commercial.  Will anyone really remember him?

Dee calls back and he can totally shave the ‘stache and do the commercial…that is a “slam-dunk idea” per John.  His only concern is making sure Lil Jon can do the commercial tomorrow because Lil Jon is running on empty.  Or maybe he’s pissed he didn’t come up with the idea.

You can feel the urgency.

Each team shows up at their soundstage the next day to see their cans already printed out.  Both look pretty good but the zebra print looks amazing and Lil Jon says, “It looks incrediblllllle,” like a four year old, it’s pretty funny.  John is worried because Lil Jon is still tired and too laid back.

Yee-ha!  This is a slam-dunk for our team, Globetrotters!

Two actors show up to be Axl Rose and Madonna, then Dee will show up to be, you know, Dee.  So wake up, Lil Jon!

Hey!  LaToya’s still here!   I totally forgot she was on the show.

For some reason, Marlee is posing with two cans of soda and getting her picture taken.  Uh.  Wait.  What?  She says she’s doing this while Meat focuses on the script.  Yes, we all know that’s his strong suit.

Richard is a disco guy, Marlee is going to be Abba, LaToya was going to play a superhero (wait, what?), Meat was going to be a CB user AND himself, and he’s a hot mess all over the place.  Richard calls it “the end all of cheese.”  And it smells like Limburger, baby.

I can’t believe what a team of LOSERS Marlee picked!

Richard says it really doesn’t capture what 7Up wants…he even wants Richard to use the phrase “to the max” which is TOTALLY 80s.  Richard says Meat was unrestrained and Marlee was “completely tuned out” as we see shots of her posing with the can.

Dee shows up at the studio and everyone is totally excited, even Lil Jon!  They start filming the commercial and Lil Jon seems to be doing okay.  John is totally excited.

Oh, the 80s really hurts.  It really does.

Marlee is STILL HAVING HER PICTURE TAKEN…now they are choosing which one to use.  For WHAT?  I don’t get what they are using this for, except maybe darts.  I must have missed something.

Really working hard here.

Richard clearly is not loving this but he’s being a team player.  He tells Meat to stop moving his hips, ha! He admits he had a perm in his high school picture, along with a gold chain and open shirt.  Just like my orthodontist back in the day (and yes, eww is the right comment).

Holy shit.

LaToya shows up and clearly her superhero is SuperBoobs, but damn, her high kick is really high.  It makes absolutely no sense.

Entertainment Entrepreneur?  Try Crazy Bitch!

Richard is like, “She’s a superhero of hopes and dreams, and holds them for you.”  Yes, just what you want a superhero to do.  “Yay go 7Up,” he snots, looking completely confused.

We are sooooo going to lose this!

John says Dee has to work quickly because he has to be onstage for Rock of Ages that evening.   John kind of presses Lil Jon, Lil Jon presses back but in a cool way, and this is the first time we’ve ever seen them snipe at each other, but it’s pretty tame.  Then John starts to get more testy with Lil Jon, he’s starting to panic on the time thing, which I totally get.

And you got to hand it to Spazmo, he came up witha  pretty good idea!

Team Marlee is getting ready for Geoffrey Holder, the guy who did the 7Up commercials in the 70s and is going to join them for this commercial.  Wow, this whole thing does not make sense.

This is how the whole team is going to look at the end…CANNED.

Richard asks if there is a script for Geoffrey and Meat says, “You guys are making me do every…” then he stops himself because he knows he CHOSE to do everything.  He is given a sheet and Richard says, “Just have Geoffrey say these lines.”   Meat is missing the Geoffrey script and Richard says he has no idea how they are doing on time.

When did Cameron Manheim get here?

However, Richard says it seems like they’ve done everything they can do before Geoffrey gets there and he feels like they ARE on time.  Meat needs a fan turned on for his “Bat Out of Hell” scene to get his hair blowing and he says, “Blow me.”  Yeah, that’s what your team is going to say when you LOSE.

For a split second I thought it was Trump in a windstorm and the hairspray finally gave up.

Dee gets up and does the pre-7Up audition and now they are shaving his mustache and he’s breaking out the Twisted Sister thing.  John says he really appreciates Dee doing this since he pretty much left Twisted Sister in the past and is only doing this for the – say it with me – THE CHILDREN.  Mark orgasms talking about seeing Twisted Sister and how cool this is and seriously, get this guy an extra strength box of Ritalin.

Dee comes out dressed to the nines and does the “7Up Retro…Keepin’ it REEEEAAAALLLL.”  It actually looks pretty cool until he chokes on his own spit and voice.  Heh.  He does a great job – 3-4 takes – and then he heads off to his show.

Wow, John’s wife looks waaaay different than I thought she would.

John has everything unbelievably organized – he is getting his still shots done (so that must be part of what they are supposed to do, I’m sure Star will want a full-sized John in her bedroom), the commercial is being shot, and Star is handling logistics on the event.

Or John is getting mugged in an alley for his 7Up – talk about Retro New York!

Done and done.  This guy is on and those kids at St. Jude’s can kick their illness in the ASS with the money he’s sending their way.  However, John is worried he doesn’t have it under control.  You do because you trust your team and your team rocks.

Hey!  I had the same spiral perm in the 80s.

Then we see his team is asking a bunch of questions…Star is asking him questions about signage, Lil Jon is asking him about the commercial, the photographer is asking him about the disk with pictures on it and Def Leppard’s road manager on the phone and he has a “really thick accent.”  Rut-roh.  Just chill.

John explains to the road manager that he wants the kickdrum going boom-boom-boom and someone says, “How’s everyone feeling tonight?” and…you hear Charlie Brown wah-wah-wah on the other end and John says, “You don’t want him playing the kick drum?  You and I are on separate pages.”  Isn’t Def Leppard kind of 7Up’s bitch for this show?

“I was hoping we wouldn’t get into an argument about this because it’s for charity,” John says.  “We shouldn’t have up our boundaries like it’s a tour.”  John gets off the phone and says the guy was being a real tool.  Mark is worried John was being a little too rough and he feels like if John decides to play the concert himself and count Def Leppard out, it’s a bad move.  Maybe it’s just the drama Trump like to add to his show.

Finally crankypants unleashes itself onto John.

Team Marlee is filming Marlee as someone from Abba, but basically she’s just dressed like it…her head looks like Marlee (no wig or anything).  Meat’s phone rings – good move to keep it on while filming something (maybe they don’t need sound).  So let’s stop everything to watch Meat completely lose his shit.

All we hear is, “Do we know the reasons why he won’t sign it?”  Turns out Geoffrey won’t sign the release…but it’s actually his lawyers being dicks about it (you know, you hate them until you need them, right?).  Meat says Geoffrey really wants to do it, his manager Chuck wants him to do it, it’s the effing lawyers who should burn in hell.

Meat leaves a message for Chuck the manager then begins to lose it…he calls someone to look for Chuck…no one knows where he is, so Meat immediately goes Cro-Magnon on us and says, “I’m going to throw this f#cking phone across the f#cking room!”  Marlee continues to get her hair and makeup done.

This is precisely why the judges didn’t want you in the final…thanks for proving their point!

Marlee says they have to come up with another plan because without him, things were going to “fall apart.”  Yep.

And clearly you are taking this setback seriously.

Next week is the season finale!  The announcer says all of our favorites come back, but then they show Gary Busey, Lisa Rinna, Nene and Dionne…who’s favorites are those freaks?  It looks like Marlee is doing well but Def Leppard doesn’t seem to show.  Probably just a scheduling issue.  Douches.  I still think John is going to win, I will be shocked if he doesn’t – and if you comment, don’t spoil it for those of us who still don’t know!

Also…did you grow up calling it soda, pop, or Coke (which for some people covered everything)?  We called it pop but for some reason I now call it soda.  It’s like living room versus family room…if you only have one, what do you say?  And don’t bring den into the conversation!