HoThis week on Celebrity Apprentice, Cyndi’s in the fucking can. And Sharon’s got her tits out.
Another Day in Paradise.
Then, in the midst of the hot flash botox train…the phone rings. What? A landline? Fuck. That means trouble. Curtis is hiding in the bathroom, and Bret makes like fifteen “dropping a deuce” jokes before they finally all head all grumbly to the boardroom.
Turns out, someone else is getting the can. And with that, Ivanka’s stylist, who dressed her up like a gay leisure businessman circa 1982.
Where’s my tab cola?
So Trumpy asks everyone why they should stay- and it’s the same old bullshit: willing to fight, came from a modest upbringing, wants tvtime, nothing better to do, likes mahogany, etc. etc. etc. Trump asks Holly who the weakest player is- and she says Maria because she comes from an “impure place” in the boardroom, meaning like, she sticks up for herself in a way that…I dunno, maybe THREATENS HOLLY?
Then Trumpy asks Sharon, and she says Maria, too. But also that Holly is tough because she’s a lioness, fighting for her autistic son. And blah blah blah, there’s nothing like having a sick child, blah blah blah, can’t beat a mom with a vision. I guess. Enter crying.
Almost makes you want to be a mom. You know, like, only a rich well connected one, though.
Then Trumpy asks Curtis, who ALSO says Maria and…get this. He still feels shitty about the comments she made about him last week. WELL: OH MY GOD- she said those because he STANK UP THE GIRLS BATHROOM WITH AUSSIE STANK STANK ShitAIR.
Good, let’s degrade all our motherly virtue talk with some shit stink action. Sharon?
Then everyone’s saying that it’s fucking Random? RANDOM? God, what are we 8th grade girls over here? And Curtis says that the shit story is a lot like Maria- crude, stinky and tactless. Yowza! This is a boardroom! Where decisions are made! Decisions about money and celebrities and personal worth and shit.
And…Maria is fired. Yikes.
it’s time for a brawl…I mean bawl. BOOO!
Then, the remaining four meet with Joan Rivers and that other not-famous dude winner of the apprentice.
Joan Rivers and Bill Mcnotfamous talk with Curtis…and he gives them the “natural leader” song and dance. Even though Bill brings up that he’s only been project manager once. Oops! Snaffoo.
Then Joan skewers Curtis for deferring to Bret so much. And Bret badmouths Maria. Wow, what a classy Aussie.
Then Sharon comes in for her “talk.” Is Sharon up to the task? Maybe. Can she? Maybe? She fought cancer, can she fight this reality tv gig? Joan brings up the Holly doing that shit for her child thing, And then crying. Blech.
Bret Michales is next…and man, I can’t stop trying to look at Joan Rivers’ face. But don’t look at it directly- it will blind you and suck your face skin off.
Anyhoo, Bret is…the roll with the punch guy? So that’s how he’s gonna get to the finale? I guess. Also, he talks about how he’s always late. So? Rocker time? Really? Does every demographic have a “time?”
And then holly, Ms. Autism project manager two time loser. She’s a fighter, everyone says, but man, she’s gotta deliver.
And here’s Joan’s face.
Is your face-skin melting yet?
Also, why is everyone so softly lit? and will Holly ever take off that green leopard dress? It’s gotta be stanky by now.
But I digress- to the firing!
Then another round of “why should I choose you?” really? Trumpy says Joan really liked Sharon, and that she was rooting for the ‘ol Osbourne.
Bret thought he did well in the interview, too. Holly thought Bill was tough, but that she has way more passion than everyone here. Yeah, prove it? Get out your measuring stick.
Curtis enjoyed the interview with Bill, more, and plugs himself as a leader again…despite hinging on his looks and seeming passion-less. Eek. Both Bill and Joan came out pretty strongly opposed to the old Curtis McCooksalot.
and Curtis is fired!
Can I mug one last time for the camera? Thanks!
Then Trump asks Holly who should be fired, and she says Bret. Because Sharon is strong, even though she’s CONSTANTLY BAWLING.
Trump asks Bret, and he says Holly. Why? OH wait, Sharon won’t stop crying. Geez.
SO- SHE’S FIRED! Wow? Bret and Holly? Sounds like a shoo-in for the Holster.
And I just want to thank my unfocused runner up, Bret Michaels.
For real, though- at least Sharon could compete with Holly! Bret can’t even wrap his mind around a cohesive idea. Come on!
Then Bret does some dopey dances and talks about being underestimated.
See!? Look how uncool I am!
So the next task- the two have to work with Snapple! Ohh, so that’s what all the snapple shit was for.
So they have to make a new flavor of Snapple, and do a whole fucking campaign on the new flavor.
So in the mixology lab, Daryl Strawberry and Summer Sanders are there to help Bret! Aww!
But the best part- Bret has to do all these taste tests and has herpes on his lip. What??? I guess I shouldn’t be surprised.
a rock of love leftover?
Then Holly gets…Curtis and Maria to help her. Yowch.
I’m back and a bitch in purple.
What about Sharon helping? Daryl seems weird, too. Where is Goldberg and his weirdo 8th grade sense of style?
Holly keeps telling Maria no concept shit, but she keeps bringing it up. But- maybe it’s the editing?
Both teams start taste testing and wow, both come up with the idea of using PASSION FRUIT to make a statement about their PASSION. Man, way to hit it over the head, geniuses. What? Don’t you wish there was a diabetes berry or an autism gourd to really make this shit easy? Geez.
Or just a big jar labeled “winning tea concoction”
So Curtis and Bret negotiate for passion. And Bret CAVES! God, he is…not so smart, I guess. Man, again, win for Holly!
Bret’s team has two flavors for taste testing: pear plum nut (it’ll nut up all inside you) and Troperocka (where tropical meets venereal disease). Daryl goes to taste test the shit.
Holly’s team digs Compassionberry (also known as love me whineberry) and the same shit with sweetbasil (so, like, basically the same).
Chinless Donnie trump says he would not want to drink Pear Plum Bret Michaels Semen, and is about to puke with the compassionberry.
At the test site, Maria tastes Bret’s wares (but in a slightly less gross way then you might think) and thinks his Snapple drink is gross. So they go with Troperocka. And Bret has the genius tag line, “It will rock your world.” Yep, same tag line he always has.
Holly’s group has an advantage because of everyone’s near constant hard-on for Curtis, including the prop lady, whom he calls after hours on her cell phone. Smells sexy!
And Holly’s a natural comedian!
As Holly talks about her “creative juices,” (gross) Maria and Curtis go to flirt with the prop girl and get some good shit. Then, Bret meets Arthur (?) some Snapple character (Snapple has characters?) and starts outlining what seems to be a pretty moronic commercial.
You know…we’re actors. Holding Snapple. Genius!
And Daryl is going to be in the commercial, too! With a tiny Beret! Way to stay on task, Bret.
Holly takes Jim, another Snapple “character,” and auditions other people for another moronic sounding commercial. Ugh. Holly makes Curtis fire everyone, and then laughs about it! Oh, holly. Where are your creative juices now?
Bret is busy meeting hot girls for his commercial- one of which I think was on the Bachelor, or some other reality show. Thoughts?
Tasha? I need answers!
Holly’s team gets passionfruit (thanks, Curtis) and Strawberries and really has a strong message, what with Autistic kids standing on puzzle pieces and crazy scientists mixing snapple shit.
You know, Science.
Bret decides to shoot two different commercials. You know, because there’s enough time for that shit.
And…whose commercial will kick ass? Whose creative juices will flow? Whose lip will have herpes on it, this time around??? AHH! The HUMANITY!