Celebrity Apprentice: Kites and Key Lim Pie, No Really

After a review of last week’s boardroom debacle where Gary once again avoids the grim reaper, we see the men and women’s teams in the suite celebrating and/or worrying that Gary will be the one coming back.  The door opens and it’s Gary.  The men are pissed and the really awkward thing is that Hope goes to hug him and it looks like he totally grabbed her boob.

This boob feels real!

Gary says that he heard the criticism and he’s going to do better but his team looks like they don’t believe him.  He then interviews he doesn’t know why there is alliance against him.  Maybe it’s because people are sick of carrying your sorry filter-denied ass?  He says it’s because they are afraid of him.  Yes, but not because you are a fierce competitor, but because you’re a total and complete nut case.

Gary asks John if he has anything to say to him and John says he completely understands Gary.  Gary asks if he understands what he’s doing in his heart and John says, “Absolutely not.  I think you are a saboteur.”  Gary denies it then asks John what his definition of saboteur is.  Uh, probably the same one Webster uses, definitions aren’t really up for subjectivity.

Yes, you are f#cking NUTS is what I have to say.

John says he thinks Gary is doing things on purpose to ruin the tasks and Gary disagrees.  John tells Gary he’s either a saboteur or crazy and Gary says, “I’m not a saboteur.”  So, he just admitted he’s crazy?

John’s assessment is that Gary is a nutcase in front of the camera but he’s very savvy when not on camera or in the boardroom.  Gary weirdly thanks him for his “constructive criticism,” and it’s really creepy.  Personally, I think Gary’s bat-shit crazy as a result of his brain injury.

LaToya tells the executive director of her charity that she put together a box that everyone loved so she has $40,000 to give him ($20K from the show, $20 from AUSTRALIAN GOLD) plus the $35,000 she got from her Michael Jackson-inspired baseball cap.  Because if there is one thing MJ knew, it was sports.  Was this after the show was done or did they fly her out and back in the same day to present the checks (it’s in LA)?  Because wow, so not green if that’s what they did.

People are coming in her for groceries so they can eat and you dress like this?

Trump summons everyone to Trump Grille, where I’m guessing they serve huge balls and call them something like Trump Treats, and says for those people who can’t make it to Trump Grille (most of America), they can order from Omaha Steaks.  Or they could just head to their nearest grocery store and pick up a steak, duh.

The owners of Omaha Steaks tell them they have to write and produce a live cooking demonstration featuring a variety of Omaha products.  They have to make 3 occasion specific meals as well as creating and naming their own variety packs.  Judging is based on branding, the variety pack they design and overall presentation.  They will do the presentation at a culinary school.

Pick your project managers!  Hope is the women’s choice and she is worried since she has to work with meat.  As a former Playboy Playmate of the Year, she’s probably more used to working with limp gristle.

We’re going to let him f#ck this up but good.

The men don’t even discuss it, Meat just calls out that Gary is the project manager.  Trump tells the steak guys he’s not sure if Gary is a genius or a moron.  He asks Lil Jon if he has figured it out…pause…and Lil Jon says, “Yes, I have figured it out.”  Everyone laughs and Gary is pissed/embarrassed.  Gary says he has an internal wealth of knowledge they don’t know about, then he does his impersonation of a cat…hsssss!

How many lives does this guy have left?

The men go to their war room to plan.  Gary immediately makes Meat the chef and Meat doesn’t cook.  Lil Jon cooks a lot and but says he’s not stepping up to help Gary. You could step up to help Meat, guy’s about ready to stroke out.

The executives show up to brief the team and Gary asks awesome questions.  They say they only buy beef in certain parts of the country, like Nebraska, and Gary just blurts out, “What about Arizona?”  They don’t.  He asks about the slaughtering being done in a certain way…like kosher or halal?  John asks better questions like how long they age it…although I never understand how they can age beef for like a month and it’s delicious, but the few pieces of flank steak that have been sitting in my fridge for two weeks are lethal.

Try to keep up with what we tell you.

One of the Omaha Steak guys says once the meat is aged, it is put in a state of suspended animation.  Lil Jon asks a question and as Omaha #2 goes to answer, Gary asks about “suspended animation.”  Omaha #1 says it’s frozen, so nothing is moving and Gary says, “Animation is moving.”  That is why they included the word SUSPENDED.  Jesus, what a f#cking moron.

It’s clear why your team would like to grab you and strangle you.

Gary interviews he’s very subtle and mysterious in working with the team and they are all unaware of his true focus.  “That’s part of my art, that’s part of my mystery,” he says.  Yeah, there’s no mystery here, you suck.

Over in the women’s war room, Hope is the project manager so immediately Star begins delegating all of the duties.  Hope tries to talk and Star just talks over her. Nene bitches about how Star is always the project manager along with the designated project manager.  “It’s just like girl, Shut Up!” Nene says.

You do this and this and this and oh wait, I’m not queen, am I?

Star asks about the leanest cut since she had – guess what? – open heart surgery and needs her protein but not the cholesterol.  They explain they can also order vegetables and dessert from Omaha Steaks.  I get it, but since most stores carry, you know, vegetables, I just can’t see paying that much for a meal that you could get for probably 20% of the cost of ordering through them.  Don’t get me wrong, I love me some steak (usually along with blue cheese, frites, a martini and lots of gossip) but it’s not cheap when you order it from a company like Omaha Steaks.

Back with the men, they are deciding on the menu.  Meat suggests a surf and turf, always a fav, with steak and lobster, so count me in; chateaubriand which sounds way fancy; and bone-in ribeye which Gary will continue to call in-bone ribeye throughout the show.

I’m trying to keep my head from exploding.

Meat and John start planning out what they are going to say and Gary says he already has planned what John would say..then ironically does the presentation without him.  So Gary starts talking about Father’s Day and how two people love each other, and John’s like, yeah, it’s Father’s Day (so ick and stop confusing it with an anniversary) and then Gary talks about how nice it would be to bring your father a kite.

Chirp chirp.

John says he hopes Gary forgets the kite idea, especially since it has a picture of an Omaha Steak on it.  Not exactly the most colorful kite.

The women are dividing up the meals and Star gets the healthy meal, Nene gets seafood and LaToya gets the bacon-wrapped filet.  For their variety pack, they do a “poker night.”  Nene suggests 6 burgers, 6 steaks and 6 condoms.  Good thinking for a poker game!

John decides to call customer service at Omaha Steaks for some reason…I didn’t really think this was such a swift move, but then he hands the phone to Gary to ask some questions.  Gary introduces himself, talks about Team Backbone and tells the poor schmuck about the project.  He asks what the customer service what he has to offer them and can they get a chef’s costume.  The poor customer service guy apologizes for the inconvenience and asks what they need…Gary has no clue so instead he goes out and has a smoke.

Reality called and it would like you to comb your damn hair already.

While Gary is outside, they bitch about Gary and the piss-poor time management.  John interviews they are going to let Gary do what he’s going to do and they will just sit back and see.  So basically, John and Lil Jon have nothing to do but be eye candy.  Much like I do most of my day.

How can I tell them I got locked out without looking like…well, like Gary Busey.

Meat says he should probably go to the test kitchen now to talk to the chef but he needs to take someone with him…he decides on Lil Jon and John says he’d like to go too.  There are some snickers as he says not to leave him behind with Gary, then he threatens to pull Lil Jon’s dreads if they leave him behind.  They are all cracking up because losing is going to be that fun.

When the women get to their test kitchen, Nene says they should consider making a burger and everyone agrees.  Hope asks if LaToya can do the burger and LaToya thinks it is personal and they are changing her menu to make it impossible to succeed.  Hope says she gave her the burger because it’s the least complicated thing to make and “she’s the weakest link,” Hope says.  Wrong show.

Here we go…bitches trying to play a Jackson for a loser.

LaToya freaks because she had planned to serve spinach but that sure as hell won’t go with a burger and finally Hope says, “LaToya, it’s really not that big a deal.”  No kidding, just make steak fries with it, duh.

There’s the positive attitude you think you have.

The men get to their test kitchen studio and Gary is trying to come up with the variety pack names and they are all longer than War and Peace. Then Gary says he wants to have their variety pack full of different flavors of meat.  Meat is like, yeah, the flavoring comes from the seasonings, and Gary says what he meant was he wanted meat of different flavors in the pack.  How is that different from what you originally said that was wrong?

In my opinion, Meat is taking this way too seriously – Gary is a nut and you’re going to lose, so sit back and do what Gary tells you so you have someone to blame.  I don’t know why he’s stressing so much, it’s not even his charity that would be losing the money.

They are still arguing about the flavored steaks and Meat has to explain that there is no way in the world that Omaha Steaks can season each steak ahead of time – they don’t have the factory for it and they don’t know what people would buy, so basically they’d be wasting a lot of meat.  Gary and Lil Jon are cracking up.

Trump is going to make it RAIN pink slips!

Gary interviews that his team doesn’t believe in him but he’s been doing films, concerts (with Charlie Sheen?) and TV for 40 years.  If he wasn’t focused, how could he do all of that?  Please, please, please tell me the last thing you’ve done.  I’ve seen your Buddy Holly, I’ve seen Point Break, my dad mentioned a couple of movies where you’ve played villains including one where you set yourself on fire (we can only hope).  Were you in one of the later Star Wars films?  Because everyone else was, Jar-Jar.

Say what you will, we all know he’s sleeping.

Meat suggests putting tons of stuff together and calling it the ultimate variety pack.  Gary agrees because he’s just that subtle and mysterious.  He’s like a stealth bomber, that one.  The moves of a cat!

LaToya is working with a chef and interviews that they grew up with a family chef and they still have them, so she doesn’t really know how to cook.  She giggles that she knows how to cook an egg.  Nene can’t believe she can’t cook a burger.  I can, LaToya probably doesn’t wipe her own ass.

So positive!

Meat is pissed that he’s the only one cooking but he thought someone would join him.  Why not ask?  Clearly John and Lil Jon have nothing else going on.  Lil Jon asks for earbuds and just sits on the computer because he has nothing to do.  Meat is pissed and finally John tells him that he needs to laugh about this.  No shit.

Gary, 2 plus 2 REALLY IS 4.

Star interviews about how great she is with her brand messaging, menus and the apron.  She really is just a one-trick pony, isn’t she?  Then she tries to see how the logo will look by holding it up to the chef’s crotch.  Can you not do that on an apron on the counter?  The worst part, asexual Star doesn’t realize what she’s doing.

How about wrapping the big package in Omaha Steaks branding?

Ivanka shows up at the men’s studio and asks how things are going.  Meat says he has no idea.  Ivanka asks him to step outside and he tells her he has no idea what is going on.  Lil Jon pokes his head out and whispers, “Save me!  Take me with you!”  Ivanka says it’s like peering in to a therapy session.

Also, girl you are soooo fine!

When she asks Gary what everyone is doing, he says Lil Jon and John are doing the menu and Meat is going to cook.  She asks how it’s going with the team and Gary says Meat won’t look at him when he talks.  No kidding…I’m sort of the same way, if I’m mad at you, I can’t look at you because I know you will see the daggers in my eyes.

Gary says he’s kicking ass and he’s not taking names.  Oh, Gary.

Seriously, how do you dress yourself in the moring without strangling yourself on your tighty whiteys?

Nene and Marlee are practicing their session and Hope decides to send them on some errands.  Because why now?  Star asks Hope to ask Nene to get the aprons so she “doesn’t have to go out.”  What a bitch!  Get off your ass and run some errands, what are you doing, snacking for the 50^th time today?

Nene is pissed and says Star should go because she’s barely involved in the task.  Nene and Marlee leave pissed.  Could they not have had whatever they needed delivered, it’s New York for Christ’s sake.

Don shows up to see how things are going and Hope forgets their tagline (smooooooth).  Don asks Star what the tagline is and she interviews that no matter who is project manager, everyone always asks her if she knows things and she always does.  She says she wants to say, “I’m not the PM!”   Then why do you always act like you are?  Duh!  “But I usually know the answer.”  Bitch!

She reads the tagline to him, “Time to discover what delicious really is.”  She looks so impressed with herself as Don Jr. says something like, “M’kay,” but with no enthusiasm.  She says she’s the one who came up with it and Don interviews that Star is very vocal and is always the one who tells them what her team is doing, what she’s doing, and so on to the point where if she says she’s done it all and they lose, she’s going to have to answer for it.  Yeah, I’m going to savor that moment more than Barbara Walters.

Look how good I am coming up with mediocre taglines!

Back at Backbone’s clusterf#ck, Gary wants to pick three people from the audience to enjoy the dinners they cook.  He wants Lil Jon to cut out pieces of paper and put numbers on them so they can use them to pick the viewers.  Lil Jon is pissed and says he’ll be making paper airplanes next.

Dear God please strike me with a lightning bolt so I can get out of here.

John worked on the menu the whole morning and Gary comes in and makes a bunch of changes and John is pissed.  Then Gary asks Meat what to put in the variety pack, he mentions the meat they are cooking plus the sides and Gary loves the idea, which is different from jamming everything in the pack like Meat originally said.  John says they have twenty minutes before they have to present, then interviews that he thinks Gary is trying to distract them so one of them will get fired over him.  John, you worry needlessly.

The graphics person asks if anyone wants to read the menus first and John is like yeah, Gary needs to sign off, which he does without reading it.  I’m sure that won’t bite them in the ass.

I’m coming to save you Gary!

Nene is bitching because instead of rehearsing, she and Marlee are out running errands like Star’s little bitches.  Then Hope calls and says they have to stop by one more place to pick up God know’s what and Marlee is pissed because she wants to practice.

Meat and John are headed to the prep kitchen (I guess it’s the next day?) and John says he’s totally pissed because Gary called him, “boy” when the cameras were off.  John says you just don’t call another man boy and “expect no repercussions.”  Gary better hope it doesn’t say “Everlast” on his forehead.

The women are at their kitchen and Star wants to make something without butter, whatever.  Nene has put too much garnish around her dish and Marlee says it looks like she trimmed her bush.  The garnish is green…is Nene a leprechaun or does the carpet just not match the drapes THAT MUCH?

Star is very impressed with her mango-chipotle salsa.  Hope says that they have decided not to cook all of their dishes in front of people in order to give them more time to present the dishes and the variety pack.  I don’t get that.

LaToya catches her burger on fire and Nene is like, “She’s trying to pull a Michael Jackson on me!”  As long as she doesn’t pull a Janet Jackson wardrobe malfunction, I don’t care if she’s on fire.

Is this why her face looks like it melted?

The men are in their kitchen and Gary is trying to put tissue paper in the Omaha Steak box to present their variety pack.  His tissue paper sucks and he asks for help from Lil Jon.  Lil Jon interviews that Gary is a “grown ass man” who should know how to put tissue paper in a box.  Woman normally don’t have a problem with this because it’s genetically coded.

See, here’s your problem, this sucks.

Hope is going to be helping LaToya and states that LaToya should know about how to cook for a large family since she grew up in one.  Did you not hear the personal chef story?  LaToya probably doesn’t even know where the kitchen is in her house.

This looks like a cohesive group.

As she and LaToya practice, Hope tells LaToya to be louder and she says she will be.  Hope doesn’t believe her and interviews that if she keeps baby talking, “someone is going to end up hitting her.”  Is that you, Hope?

Nene and Marlee practice and Nene gets pissed that Marlee sort of cuts her off while talking.  You mean like two hearing/speaking people do?  Don’t be such a f#cking bitch, Jesus.  Nene wants to start over and Hope says Nene bugs the hell out of her.  Heh.

Wow, Nene is freakishly large…she used to be a man, right?

Meat is pissed because he feels completely unprepared for the presentation because they haven’t rehearsed.  Turns out the menu isn’t matching what Meat is preparing and Gary’s like, “Well, it says so on the menu,” and Gary says John did the menu.

Gary lays the groundwork to fire someone competent.

John goes ballistic in his own way and tells Gary he’s not pinning that on him.  Gary says he’s not.  Meat says lobster was never on the menu but Gary is sure it was.  As John walks by looking like he’s going to kill Gary, Gary asks if he was the one who wrote things up for the menu.

Who the hell put beans and weenies on the menu?

Now here’s where I think it gets fuzzy but maybe it’s because it’s so late…John says he was working on the menu and the graphics but Gary proof read it, which we all know he sure as shit didn’t do.  But how did that get on the menu – was it one of Gary’s changes or was it on the original menu John did?  I ran the episode back and they did say they were going to do a surf and turf with steak and…LOBSTER.  And it was Meat who suggested it!  So somewhere someone got their lines crossed.  Does anyone know what happened really?

John also brings up the being called “boy” thing and Gary says he called him C’boy.  John says that’s not true and Gary better not EVER call him that again.  Gary apologizes and John doesn’t accept.  Rut-roh, trouble in paradise!

Presentation time!  Hope and Marlee start off the presentation and they start with LaToya who shows off the pre-cooked Omaha Steak menu.  She showcases the lemon lava cake but Hope’s concern is she was too quiet.  Meh.

She moves over Star who is doing a health-conscious romantic sexy meal.  “You will be full of love and food when you finish,” she says.  Yes, you are often full of food after eating.  Also hilarious?  Hope calls her Mrs. Star Jones.  Oh, the youth of today and your lack of knowledge of “Ms.”

Marlee and Nene are making the lobster tails and they are the only ones who are doing some cooking.  Nene says they did really well and if they lose it’s because LaToya and Star didn’t cook.

Marlee showcases the variety pack and calls it the Poker Party pack, Hope thanks everyone for coming, and everyone gets aprons.  The execs complaints?  They kept calling the products “Omaha” and not “Omaha Steaks.”

I just wish Nene didn’t have such a big adam’s apple.

Let’s head over to batshit central to see what Gary’s up to.  Meat opens the presentation and shows people how to make what.  First he’s making the chateaubriand and actually cooks it live!

Then Gary comes out and talks about how this is an anniversary meal, then goes on about how it’s sensual and after digestion you’re clean and you look into the eyes of the anniversary partner and you’ll begin to cry.  He’s a freak.

If you don’t eat chateaubriand, YOU WILL DIE!

The second meal is bone-in ribeye on the grill and he shows how to make the perfect grill marks.  Then Gary comes in with his father’s day story and it goes on and on and on and on until the father is crying because of the beautiful meal (what kids can afford Omaha Steaks?  And why didn’t they get some for themselves?  Dumb kids!).

But more importantly…the kids give the father a kite.  And that kite they fly up high in their neighborhood…that kite has “Omaha Steaks” written on it so everyone can see it.

John says he was wondering if the kite would make it back into the story and “sure enough it came flying right in there.”  The looks on the audiences’ faces are unreal.

I wish Gary would go fly a kite…wooosh!

Meat completes things with his strip sirloin and the two execs say that Meat is really good.  Hit them up to be in their commercials!

Only with A LOT of ketchup.

Gary shows the variety pack and it’s full of ALL of their spices…it totally doesn’t make sense.  Then John asks people to check their numbers and people with three chosen numbers get to eat the meal in front of everyone else.  These people look really awkward eating in front of the rest of the audience…it’s like really bad performance art.

BOARDROOM!  Trump asks Gary if he was a good product manager and he says he was because he gave Meat the task of being a chef.  Wow, yeah, that will go down in history as the best project manager move ever.

You’ve turned Meat Loaf into Jell-O, quite a feat!

Trump turns to Meat and asks about Gary.  He says he does like Gary.  Then Trump is like uh-oh, now you’re going in for the kill, but Meat says he’s just frustrated.  With Gary.  With the project.  He says yes, Gary gave him the task of being a chef, but that was way hard for just one person.  Then why the hell didn’t you ask for help?  Tell Gary you’d like a sous chef?  Duh.

Then he goes to John who says, “It was a catastrophic collapse of time management.”  Jesus, dramatic much?  How about just saying Gary sucked ass?  Give examples, say he should be fired, and go back to the suite and chug champagne after he is?

Trump says time is not a big deal on the Apprentice and John is like BITCH, do you pay attention to your own show?  It’s all about the time and never having enough to get tasks done.  Come on, Trump!

Gary says that’s John’s point of view.  Thanks, Captain Obvious.  Meat says, “It’s not a point of view, it’s a fact,” and Lil Jon says it’s a “damn fact.”  John says they never had a rehearsal because they ran out of time and Gary says it’s because Meat said there was no time.  Uh, doyee, he didn’t just make that decision for you; you made it for the team.

Meat is pissed because he always rehearses and he’s pissed.  Trump asks if Gary’s going to hurt them going forward.  Have you already forgotten last week when they all said he needed to go?  Damn, Trump, get your head out of your ass.

Meat lays it on the line and I’m pretty disappointed in how inarticulate he is.  He can barely get words out let alone a complete sentence.  He says the menu was printed wrong and Ivanka tells them there were typos in the menu. Ouch.  Star never would have let that happen.  And she’ll let you know it, too.

TWO typos, motherf#ckers!  TWO!

Meat says it’s Gary’s fault because he signed off on it without really looking at it if memory serves right.  However, why the hell didn’t the graphic designer run it through spell check?  I mean, no offense, but if I pay a graphic designer to put something together for me, it sure as shit better not have typos.  “I was wondering what Key Lim Pie was,” Don says.  I think she was a Thai actress in the 50s.

Meat says he has the original menu that everyone else had…but like I mentioned before, he did say they were doing a surf and turf at the beginning, then it changed – not really sure whose fault that is.

Ivanka says outside of the time management clusterf#ck, what did you think of Gary as a performer.  Uh, clusterf#ck part deux?  Meat stutters through and says the Father’s Day thing was horrible but he just wouldn’t shut up.

Trump wants to know about the Father’s Day soliloquy, and he does the whole thing again.  LaToya snickers.  Don snickers.  Star snickers.  Trump says he has no idea what Gary just said.  John says this was Gary’s way of thinking through the entire task.

What?

The?

Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.

Now it’s Lil Jon’s turn.  “Gary is not always here on earth with us.  He was orbiting in outer space for the last two days,” he says.  Gary shakes his head.  He says he didn’t have anything to do other than cut up paper like a kindergartner.   Gary says he was very helpful putting together the variety pack.  “Putting tissue paper in a box?  You’re a grown-ass man, you should be able to do that yourself!”  Finally a smackdown.

I’m pretty sure I was on Earth recently, but I honestly don’t have proof.

Let’s move over to the va-jay-jays.  Trump asks Hope how she did and she says because she waited to be project manager, she had an opportunity to see how each of the team members worked.  Good point.  She said they all did a great job and no one was a weak team member.

Trump says she’s younger than the rest of the women on her team – by A LOT – and Star says, “I could be her mother.”  Yeah, I have one of those on staff, we call him Fetus.  Anyhoo, Trump says, “I don’t want to tell you what I could be.”  A sugar daddy?  Her first husband?

He asks if anyone took over her project and she lies and says no.  Uh, what about Star?  Hope says everyone was very respectful and she listened to them because they felt all their opinions mattered.  Except LaToya’s.

He asks Nene and she says she thought Hope was great and Trump asks why she thought that and she says, “Well, I think Hope was good,” and everyone groans and Trump is all up in Nene’s business saying she just can’t do it… “You almost did it and then you blew it.”  Then he points out she’s sweating.

Pull my finger you Amazon bitch!

Marlee says she thinks Hope is spectacular and Trump says the women have really pulled it together while the men’s team is falling apart like, well, a bunch of women.

LaToya says she thinks the women “unified together” which is sort of how it works period, and that she has made friends.  Then she says she feels she could call any of the women on the team and they’d pick up the phone…Star, Marlee or Hope.  Uh, you forgot one.  “Nene not so much,” Don laughs.  Ouch.

Let’s get to the results.  Don says the women did a great job, the execs loved the Omaha Steaks on the aprons, Star’s healthy meal and Marlee’s poker night theme.  However, they didn’t like the “Omaha”-only referral and they wanted more live cooking.

Ivanka says they thought Meat did a great job cooking and said he could be a spokesperson for their brand (oooh!  I bet Gary’s pissed!), the loved the live cooking, the choice of the meals.  However, they thought Gary’s presentation sucked balls, especially the kite fiasco, and that the variety pack tried to be everything to everybody and it made it harder to sell.  Finally, they thought having the audience come up on stage to eat was waaay awkward.

So who wins?  THE WOMEN!  YAY!  Hope gets $40K for her charity plus they are selling her meals and variety packs and a portion of the profits will go to her charity.  It’s called Best Buddies for children with intellectual disabilities.  I just call them “kids.”

YAY!  Girls rule, boys drool!

Trump says he’s surprised, he really thought the women would eat her alive, “Especially the one right behind you!” he says about Nene and she’s like, “Why do you guys think that about me?”  Uh, because you are a bitch and they’ve seen Real Housewives.  “I am the nicest one in this group.”  Yeah, I bet pit bulls think that way too.

The women go back to the suite and Nene leaves the women to sit on her own.  Star says Nene’s upset because it’s perceived that she’s difficult when she’s really not.  Except she really is!  I mean, she’s hilarious but sometimes she’s a royal pain in the ass.

I can’t believe I’m shunned by people I’ve been bitchy to!

Nene interviews, “Out of all the girls, I’m the least negative.”  Uh, WHAT?!  She’s checking her phone while Star tries to talk her off the ledge.  She says she doesn’t like being given labels that “don’t belong to me.” She mentions how pissed she is at LaToya for not wanting to call her.  Bitch, please, be grateful for at least that!

Trump says Meat isn’t surprised they lost…Meat agrees.  He can barely get a sentence out and I have to tell you, pull it together.  Jesus, it’s Celeb Apprentice, not the f#cking bar exam, calm down.  Meat says he’s always prepared and they were not for this presentation, unlike Gary’s whole animal/vegetable/mineral approach.

Meat is apparently preparing for time in a coffin.

He goes to Lil Jon and says he didn’t do much, does he blame it on Gary and he sure does!  He says it was Gary’s job to go around and ask everyone what part of the project they felt they could do, then assign everyone tasks, come up with a schedule and go from there.  All he did was assign the cooking task and that was it.

Trump asked Gary why he didn’t use John and he says he did.  Trump asks John what he did and he says, “I exercised my patience more than I have done in my entire life!”  heh.

John mentions being referred to as boy and says he no likey, and Trump stupidly says that Lil Jon probably would have had more trouble with that, “Right?”  OMG, is Lil Jon black?  Thanks, Trump!

Gary says he said, “C’boy,” but actually that’s how he tried to play it off when they had their argument…I listened more closely a second time and when this happened, Gary did say that he called him “C’boy,” mostly to cover himself.  Trump is like WTF is C’boy?  And Gary says that’s what they the football team, the C’boys and Trump is like yeah, I think they are called COWboys.  And he probably will buy that team.

What the hell is a “C’Boy”?  Maybe I should buy the Dallas Cowboys.

Don asks if they are all as frustrated as Meat (did he just get here?) and then says clearly Meat has lost the ability to speak coherently.  Sort of like the 80s.  John says he reminds himself it’s for charity and that’s what gets him through.  He says Gary should be fired.

Then Gary does the stupid thing.  Trump asks who should come back to the boardroom and Gary really doesn’t know.  He says all three did a great job and were excellent…rut-roh!  Isn’t there going to be a fight?  Isn’t he going to crazily defend himself?  Trump thinks it’s “nice” that Gary said such nice things about them.

Trump says Gary is really different from all the other boring people he meets, and “don’t we all love that?” Chirp chirp.  Chirp chirp.  “We like it to a point,” Meat says.

Followed by a complete breakdown, boo-hoo-hoo!

Ivanka says the team looked for every opportunity to be alone so they could vent to her.  She said there was “unease” with the group because Gary hadn’t delegated well.  She said all he did was delegate a task to Meat.  Gary says, “That was in the case of cooking.”  Ivanka looks at him like what the hell were you just listening to?  The voices in your head?  “Yeah,” she says, a little annoyed.  It was cool and just proved everyone’s point that Gary was just too far out there.

Trump wants to know who came up with the variety pack and Gary says he and Lil Jon did, then says it was Lil Jon’s idea to put as many steaks in there as possible.  Meat puts his head in his hands and Lil Jon says, “NO, Gary came up with that!”  Although after I watched it the second time, Meat did say to throw everything in there…probably more meat than spices, but I’m not sure it’s Gary’s fault…although I hate defending him.

Trump is like, wow, Meat, you are stressing like a puppy…please don’t set any on fire.  Meat says he’s just frustrated.  Where is the anger like over the paints?  I want to see some fireworks, some anger and hatred and a knock-down drag out fight!

Trump says, “You know what Meat, I’m going to make you very happy.  Gary, you’re very talented (lie), you’re very unique (unique can’t be “very”), you’re an amazing guy (I think he meant crazy), and Gary, YOU’RE (finally f#cking) FIRED.”  The team lets Gary clear the lobby area before they leave the boardroom.

Your crazy high-ratings ass is FIRED!

Trump says it wasn’t easy losing the ratings Gary brought him and Ivanka says watching the dynamic was fascinating.  Don says without that tension, the men’s team will do great.

Wait, are you talking to the kite man?

Outside, Gary asks the driver if he’s got a ride for him.  Why, is it big Wednesday already?  He interviews and says he enjoyed working for Trump and he accepts his firing with kindness and grace (did he get a severance package we don’t know about?) and he’s in a happy mood.  He says his team didn’t like him and they wanted him out since day one.

“I can turn a thunderstorm and a tornado into a rainbow, and I’m flying over the rainbow tonight,” he says.  Only because Trump International doesn’t drug test, my friend.

I don’t know how those of you who watched felt, but I was pretty disappointed that the guys didn’t pounce on Gary more harshly and how badly Meat stated his case.  Is it some kind of surprise to him that he was going to be in the boardroom?  Why wasn’t he more prepared when he got there if preparation is so damn important?  Go in with strong examples and not stutter your way through your frustration.  I was pretty bummed this didn’t get more heated.  The second rule of fight club is FIGHT.

Next week’s clip shows the men ecstatic while they play “Hallelujah” music.  The ladies go back to their old favorite, crashing and burning, calling LaToya useless and Star someone who will “cut your head off” to win.  Nene and Star scream at each other to the point where Marlee grimaces – can she actually hear them?