“Tonight, Celebrity Apprentice is back, with the biggest and brightest stars ever!” Donald Trump begins the show, ensuring there are only the biggest D-list losers on the show. Let’s meet this season’s castoffs!
What? I need the diversion!
On the men’s team, teen dream David Cassidy (I preferred Leif Garrett), country superstar John Rich (?), rocker and TV host Mark McGrath, douchebag, convicted felon and first Survivor winner Richard Hatch (who I just read on TVgasm will be going back to prison, YAY!), baseball star and “controversial author” snitchy Jose Canseco, rap star Lil John (doesn’t that need an apostrophe somewhere?), not-Martha-Stewart’s Meat Loaf, and “Academy Award Nominee” Gary Busey. I’m guessing it was for the The Buddy Holly Story and not Point Blank.
Look, they each brought their own pet.
On the bitch side, Oscar-winning actress Marlee Matlin (who clearly has had some kind of breakdown to be on this show), Playboy Playmate of the Year/Mensa Member (I’m guessing on that last part), Hope Jurrasic Park…no, wait, Dworaczyk, Dionne Warwick, who probably already knows who won thanks to her psychic friends, Star Jones, Lisa “Lips” Rinna, Nene Leakes who is a trashy Real Housewives of Who Gives a Shit, Niki Taylor who as we all remember was a supermodel until she forgot to wear BOTH PARTS of the seatbelt and almost died in a car accident, and all-time crazy bitch LaToya Jackson.
Finger guns? Really?
Then we see edits of Nene going batshit on Star, Meat Loaf going batshit on Gary Busey, Dionne yelling at Lisa (who doesn’t?) and the contestants all crying about their charities. Lisa interviews that her “knife is sharpened and in my back pocket, readily available, when I need it.” She lies. That dress doesn’t have any back pockets. John Rich says it’s “On like Donkey Kong” so immediately I like him and Star tempts people to argue with her. “In the end, Busey wins,” says guess Gary Busey. Yeah, only on Celebrity Crazy.
I thought John Madden was dead?
“The circus is back in town and you’re looking at the ringmaster,” Trump says. And probably our next president. Eh, okay.
I’m auditioning new wives.
Trump appears with the Rockettes at his side, dismisses them (what a waste of high kicks), and welcomes this season’s group of losers. Nene begins the dumbass fest by saying there are people who are Grammy winners, lawyers, etc. but “that doesn’t mean nothing to me, though.” Because you don’t know what those are?
How she thinks she’s going to win…with her eyes closed.
Star says the charity she’s playing for is the American Heart Association because she herself just had heart surgery a few months ago. Wasn’t there an easier way to remove that lapband? “They took my heart out of my chest for 22 minutes,” she tells us, confirming she actually has one. LaToya is playing for AIDS Los Angeles and Trump says her brother Michael was a “yoooge” friend of his and lived in Trump Tower (what co-op board approved that nonsense?).
John is raising money for kids which bores me until he says it’s St. Jude’s Hospital then I feel like a bigger asshole than normal because that is a great charity. At least Hell is a dry heat and my hair won’t frizz. Marlee is playing Starkey Hearing Foundation which provides hearing aids for kids in third-world countries so they can now hear their empty stomachs growl. Then Trump loses interest because we don’t hear about Gary Busey’s Save Lance Armstrong’s Other Testicle Foundation.
It’s men versus women and everyone cheers because they’re in junior high and nobody wants cooties. They have to pick a project manager, pick a team name (always painful), and get their sorry asses back to the boardroom for their assignments.
Everyone loves their accommodations and Richard says he put some thought into names and proceeds to pull out a telephone book of ideas. Douche. Lil John informs us he cannot be associated with “nothin’ lame,” which begs the question, did you look in the mirror this morning? They go through a litany of ideas such as “Winners” but that’s been trademarked by Charlie Sheen.
Teacher’s pet. And soon some inmate’s pet.
Gary gives us “Magnitude,” and we get Pinnacle, “Penultimate” which is right before ultimate so that makes no sense, Integris which Gary says sounds like something you “suffer from.” His next idea? “Sperm Farmers.” Where exactly are you farming that, Gary?
Wait, Meatloaf is two words? Thank God for Edit/Replace.
Over in Bitch Central, their surroundings are totally girl-ish. Star lets her pooch out of her handbag and I feel so bad for Marlee’s interpreter being stuck in the Ladies Room. Nene looks like she might eat the dog. She used to be a man, right?
I’m going to leave little poop-henges everywhere!
Their ideas? Powerhouse then someone comes up with ASAP, and I’ll be damned if I’m putting the periods between each letter for the rest of the season. The explanation for it? Actors, Singers, Authors and Professionals for a Purpose. Jesus, why not be the high school social committee chair with a lame acronym like that. Lisa hates it, but I get the feeling she hates being alive.
Shit, do I need a chin lift now?
Lisa says it’s too complicated then says, “The sisters were strong on this one,” and I found that sort of interesting since it was LaToya and Star who wanted the name. Don’t go Mel Gibson on us with the epithets, Lisa. Unless it’s on camera.
Marlee shows them how to do the name in sign language. Aww, how 3rd grade holiday assembly of you!
Next? Project manager has to be picked which always sucks first time around. No one wants to be the first one to go home and that’s usually how it happens. They encourage Star to take it and Lisa is pretty adamant. She just wants to get rid of Star ASAP.
Back in Sperm Central, they are using an online thesaurus to find a name and they come up with Backbone. Consensus! Totally stupid. Now comes the discussion of the project manager and David Cassidy brings up a great point – hard to pick one without knowing the task. Way to go, Partridge!
Douchebag Richard says he’s always game for being project manager which is code for he’s always game to find a way to boss you around then screw you. John imitates Richard and his posturing and says he’s “assimilating” everything everyone says. He says he’s sure Richard has a chart in his hotel room with everyone’s info and lots of notes. Freak. They nominate Richard as project manager.
David Cassidy says he’s heard Richard is “real good at what he does.” Hold that thought.
The love child of Stevie Wonder and Stevie Nicks.
In the boardroom, the teams tell Trump and Trumpettes (Ivanka and Don) who the project managers are and their team names. When they get to the women, they say their name is ASAP and LaToya says it stands for all sorts of things except what it actually stands for, Star corrects her, Lisa closes her eyes like she’s in pain, LaToya keeps trying and the women look like morons. Richard says, “It seems like they are already confused.” Well, they can count so let’s keep that in mind in about 90 minutes.
Then the women show the sign language and add the snap louder than the last time and they basically look like a safety sorority.
First task? Each team has to run a pizzeria – make and sell the pizza – with all proceeds going to the project manager’s charity per usual. Women take the theater district and the men have 8th and Broadway. Each team gets their own delivery truck and the goal is to pimp out their friends and family for donations above and beyond the costs of the pizzas.
Okay, your donation covers pizza and a titty-look. YES it’s tax-deductible. God!
What I always find interesting is how these groups try to do everything at once instead of really putting people in charge of different areas – it’s like a free-for-all, but maybe that’s the editing. Team Backbone nearly breaks its arm patting itself on the back for having this one “in the bag.” Only if it’s preceded by “douche.”
Richard recommends everyone get on the phone and call their rich friends to get them into the pizzeria tomorrow to help them reach their goals. Uh…who are these nimrods going to call, Ghostbusters? Mark and Lil John are kicking ass on the phone, but Jose and David start saying they can be out in the front drumming up business. “Everyone in New York knows this guy,” David says. Yeah, that might not be a good thing. Richard’s like yeah, make your damn calls.
Jose says he doesn’t know anyone in New York and Richard says ask your buddies in LA to help out, which sort of makes no sense. What we’re missing here is that Jose doesn’t have any friends. You’d think he could just tear off some muscle and make one for himself.
Jose calls Richard demanding, controlling and aggressive and he doesn’t like him. Jose has to explain to Richard who has been living under a rock that his major league friends hate his guts to infinity plus one because of his book Juiced about how everyone in baseball and their mothers are all on steroids. Except Mark McGuire, he’s just big boned. My thought? CALL YOUR EDITORS. Doyeee.
Star loves the location because it has big windows and “is clean.” Well duh. Her entire team is on the horn calling everyone to drum up business and bring in some big donors. They also have to train people on making pizzas and operations. So what’s their brilliant plan? Putting Dionne in charge of the register. Because if there is one thing old people are good at, it’s doing things quickly especially when it involved technology like credit card machines and little buttons.
What buttons where? Honey, grab me my tri-focals.
The pizza guy is showing Dionne how to push buttons and swipe a credit card. Luckily the kid training her promises to be around the next day, probably so she won’t drop her Depends and short out the system.
Star comes up with the idea of putting huge posters of all of them in the window to bring in traffic, then has to tell the poor graphic design guy the names of everyone there…Lisa Rinna, NOT Reynolds, Nene Leakes, NOT Mimi…Jesus, just write the names down for him already.
Backbone is at the pizzeria and decide to do five types of pizzas. David thinks they should put something like “Celebrity Pizza” in the front window, which isn’t a terrible idea from someone who lived in bellbottoms ON CAMERA, but Richard just blows him off. David brings up another idea and Richard shuts him down AGAIN.
“David has different needs than what I’m used to in a work environment,” Richard says, forgetting to add that in his work environment he got paid in cigarettes and time off for good behavior. “If you are going to get something done, you’ve got to focus on what’s important.” Well duh, but hear out your team, jerkwad.
David mentions pricepoints and Richard says, “David, be quiet for one minute and let me tell you what they are!” WOW. ASSHOLE. David is saying something into the phone and Richard pushes him out of the way and says, “Do that over there.” He really is being a toolshed-bully-dickwad of the highest order.
David says he’s worked with a lot of egos over the past 40 years but putting your hands on someone is just wrong. Then next time, tag him on the bridge of the nose or the windpipe, that should stop him pretty quickly.
So Lil John and John are in charge of marketing, which, what the hell? So they, along with Gary and their unsuspecting graphic designe,r went back to their war room to work on their menus. John suggested they scream at passersby, “BUY PIE…FOR CHARITY.” I would totally punch someone if they did that to me. The poor graphic designer looks like she’s stuck on public transportation with someone who eats his own face.
Then it gets worse as Gary goes into a crazy preacher rant about pizza…and they call him the Pepperoni Prophet but change it to “Profit” so they can make money. Yeah. I’m a marketing director and although Dilbert nailed it when he said marketing is ”liquor and guessing,” this was a pretty stupid campaign. Liquor and guessing would have helped it.
Ivanka stops by and Richard tells her it takes people forever to learn how to make pizzas and his team was already over there knocking them out. It’s dough, sauce and cheese. Seriously, we used to make them on English muffins with jar sauce and parmesan from a can in the microwave when I was little. It’s pizza, not brain surgery, dudes.
And tongue-in-cheek never looked so filthy.
Ivanka asks him why he chose to be project manager first and he says, “Ivanka, I’m capable. I’m more than happy to take it on. I think you’re about to be surprised at what’s going to happen in this project.” Not as surprised as you will be, jackaninny.
Over at ASAP, a guy is showing Niki how to make the pizza. She said she volunteered because she’s been a mom for 16 years and being in the kitchen was part of the job. I actually really like her and am surprised she’d be doing this show. Also, girlfriend has massive arm tattoos, Jesse James would be impressed. And probably a jerk to her.
NeNe, Lisa, LaToya and Marlee are making dough and Lisa says it feels like a breast implant. “Not that I would know or anything!” she says. Yeah, and it’s not like she said LIP implants!
Now Lisa knows what Harry feels when he grabs her.
Lisa continues on the bitchline by saying she doesn’t think Star likes to get her hands dirty. Did you ever watch The View? Look who she had to sit next to. Girlfriend got her hands dirty enough to cover her for eternity, so lighten up. Why is Lisa Rinna such a huge bitch?
Star checks in on everyone and Lisa whines that there’s a lot to do but Star has to take care of the graphic design of everything since there is a printing deadline. Duh!
The men are preparing all of the food for the next day and they are all sweating like pigs – that must be the secret ingredient. Richard walks in to see what they’ve done then bitches at all of them that it is only enough to make 5 pizzas. It’s too bad their project manager didn’t clue them in on how much to make oh wait that’s YOU douchebag! God he’s an ass! And probably great for ratings.
How about this accident waiting to happen. Don’t you watch the Food Network?
“David made a critical error in telling me the toppings were prepared,” Richard says. Really? A “critical” error. I’m sure the entire world will come crashing down what with this “critical” error. How will we survive?
Jose calls Richard a tyrant and says he wouldn’t help them. He says if they get into a fight, “All hell will break loose!” And that would be the critical error.
Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry.
Pizza day! Yay! The menus scream BUY A PIE FOR CHARITY! As do John and Lil John. OMG shut up already, you haven’t even opened!
Gary put on a suit that was too small and Lil John says he looks like a crazy man, “Which is exactly what we want!” Gary bangs on the window and yells “Hey!” a couple of times to people on the street, then turns to the camera and says, “This is fun!” Are there no hospitals he can check into?
Richard is limiting delivery to large donors only, which makes sense. Mark is on the phone telling his friend who is at the pizzeria and for some reason David puts his hand on Richard (which I didn’t notice the first time I watched). Richard pushes him away and David says, “Don’t touch me like that, okay?”
Yeah, but look who started it.
David says it’s not smart for Richard to poke and prod other men, “But he has anger issues. He spent four years in a federal penitentiary for cheating and lying.” Holy crap, was it really four years? My mind must be protecting itself by blocking that out completely. (However, Wikipedia states that he once again failed to file taxes and had to appear in court this past January…maybe someone enjoys dropping the soap in the shower?).
David confronts Richard and Richard says he didn’t realize he touched him, which is the biggest bunch of bullshit. Richard interviews that David is out of his league and he’ll just be one of the earlier losers to leave. Don’t be expecting a rendition of “I Think I Love You” from him, then.
Over at Bitch Central, Star is thrilled to get her marketing stuff back but confronts Lisa about how she was bitching and moaning behind Star’s back. Star suggests coming to her directly next time instead of acting like a two-faced high school girl. Except she’s nicer when she says it. Lisa agrees, apologizes, and we all know deep down she will be doing the same thing all season.
They look at the handouts that were made and Lisa says, “They’re great. They’re great,” to Star then interviews that the printed materials were “useless.” She says she doesn’t have time to try to figure out – then she uses her finger like she’s reading the handout – “too busy.” Yes, I’m sure you are too busy to read a 5 x 7 inch handout. You probably don’t like hard math like addition and subtraction either.
Look at all those letters that make up words and it’s just too much to handle all at once in one place at one time. Too much!
Ready to open for business! On Team Sperm, David, Jose and Mark are all making pizzas, Meat Loaf is running the register, John, Lil John and Gary doing his Pepperoni Profit are ready to scare the shit out of people on the street. Richard gives Gary a bag of pepperoni and begs him not to throw them at the customers. Then what are they for? I’m sure as shit not taking a sample of sausage from Gary Busey! A phrase I never believed I’d write until just now.
Oh my God, Gary just stuffed the pepperonis in his pocket.
Tons of photographers are taking pictures of Gary and now he’s throwing the pepperonis in the air, saying “Wherever the pepperonis land, that’s where the miracle will happen.” Four land within inches of each other on a dirty sidewalk. Praise Jesus! Then Gary picks his ass.
I picked this butt-peroni just for you!
Mark is working it hard with customers inside and John was working them outside “singing.” Seriously, he’s really a singer? Wow. Oh, America, this is why China is going to kick our ass. John says outside it was like a Pentecostal carnival. Yes, because that’s what I love when I’m getting a pizza, getting saved.
Nene runs outside and screams “Pizza with a purpose!” to try to get people in the door. Niki Taylor is making the pizzas while Marlee and Hope are cutting the pizzas because that sounds like a 2-person job. Dionne is on the register as I warned earlier and Lisa is in charge of customer service so you know that’s getting f#cked up but good, and it will be someone else’s fault.
Star says having the “mouth” of Nene and the “celebrity” of LaToya out front was going to bring in people. Sadly, she is right. America! Where are our standards?!?!? Niki did a great job making pizza and she’s adorable. I bet she makes kick-ass chocolate chip cookies and does fun things for her kids’ birthday parties.
Don shows up and says the women’s team was doing well and he pontificates something in deep tones to provide some levity to the situation. Snore.
Don finds the high-fiving so “ethnic.”
Dionne is moving as fast as a lady at the Catholic Church fish fry, meaning she’s waiting for the Lord to come get her while she’s handing you tickets. In fact, people were eating their pizza in line because she’s moving so slowly.
Star tries to intervene and says she’ll take over and Dionne says, “They’ll be patient.” Yes, that sounds like customers. I know I love long lines for pizza. Star backs down because she holds Dionne in such high regard. Really? She was doing ads for psychics, how high can that regard possibly be?
Don’t you and your IBM 64 skillz get smart with me, missy!
Dionne gets very pissy with Star and they tell each other to calm down which of course doesn’t work. Dionne interviews that she told Star it would get done and to calm down. Do you not watch the show? You need to make the most money, not be the calmest at the end of the task. MOVE YOUR ASS!
Meat Loaf is getting a lot of props and someone cries as she hugs him for being her inspiration. Richard says he called former Apprentice contestants to get them to come in and help, Survivor contestants, and so on – that was actually a good tactic. He’s playing for Grassroots Soccer which educates people in Africa about AIDS using soccer stars. Somehow I think using international star athletes to educate people about AIDS seems somewhat hypocritical and oddly ironic. But okay.
Why do I always end up with something limp in my hands?
John interviews that Lil John brought in some big DJs to help out with donations and it was a challenge to the others to bring in people – and why can’t some of them call their agents and do it that way (if they don’t actually know other rich people, which seems odd). Someone pays $15,000 for a slice of pizza. Geez Louise!
We see David on the phone whining to someone that he hasn’t brought in a nickel. You know, I’m sort of surprised at what a wussy little pussy he has become. He really seems weak and I’m pretty sure in the animal world, his pack would have eaten him by now.
No one is bringing me any monnneeeeeyyyyy!
ASAP is packed with donations and Star screams about the First Lady making a $5,000 donation… Russell Simmons showed up, Curtis Stone was there to taste both them men’s and women’s pizza and decide who should get an order for a big donation – but they won’t know the amount until the order is delivered.
Backbone has a line out the door and people were tossing money at them left and right. Curtis shows up to taste their pizza and decides the women’s pizza was better. Mostly because he’s hoping for some tail later.
Lisa and Marlee head out to deliver pizzas because apparently that’s a 2-person job (3 if you count Marlee’s interpreter, but maybe he doesn’t deliver) and of course Lisa is bitching and moaning that one of the deliveries is for $300. I do agree with her, but shut the hell up already. If you have two people, why not split up? I know you only have one van, but offer a taxi driver $500 to run you all over town for Christ’s sake. NY cabbies love to speed all over – it’s like Frogger meets NASCAR for them.
Star has some friends show up and ask to have 40 pizzas delivered at $1,000 a pizza. Star gets all emotional then Curtis calls to ask for pizzas to be delivered to the fire station in Chelsea for a sizable donation. Star realizes they cannot make the 40 pizzas, the fire station delivery, and provide the customers in front of them pizzas so she closes the doors 2 hours early.
I thought that was pretty risky too, but she’s right…what are the chances they could make up the $40,000 with customers in the next 2 hours unless another celeb shows up, and if a celeb shows up, they’d probably let them in because celebs don’t have to play by the same rules the rest of us do. That’s why we have to worship them.
Well they don’t have time to make 40 pizzas so can they just make 20 and her friend say screw it, you only need to make one! Star needs the van back for the one pizza delivery and kind of yells at Lisa and Marlee to get back. Marlee interviews she couldn’t believe it and that how could they have estimated how bad traffic was going to be in New York? Bitch, please. IT’S NEW YORK! How do you not know that? Even Midwesterners like me know NY traffic is the death of most people.
Lisa says, while sitting next to bottles of water and juice and snacks, “We are doing everything humanly possible” to deliver the pizzas. Yes, everything humanly possible. Everything. Enjoy your juicy-juice.
This Snapple isn’t cold enough.
Gary is telling everyone that the pizza won’t make you pass gas, it will make you smarter and sleep better like an angel. Uh-huh. David asks if Richard could take over for five and Richard interviews that David takes multiple breaks to smoke. Ew! David Cassidy smokes? Oh my God, that is so out nowadays. No wonder he looks like skeletor, it’s probably cancer ravaging his body. Gross.
On the phone to his daughter Katie, David says he’s taking a “2-minute break” and whines that he’s been up working since 5. This guy is a total pussy and I’m glad I liked Lief better. He wants her to come down and buy some pizzas but knows since she’s on the set of Gossip Girl, they may not let her go. Wah-wah.
He puts out his cigarette on the ground by the restaurant and it’s brown and still burning in the corner. This guy is a klass act.
Not just a litterbug, but a cheap-ass one.
Lisa and Marlee show up and everyone is gone, and Lisa interviews that Star was rattled and panicked. Yeah, I don’t really think so, but since they didn’t have to make the 40 pizzas after all, why didn’t they re-open to the public?
So all Lisa and Marlee have to do is deliver 9 pizzas – one to one location, 8 to the Chelsea fire station. SINCE the store is closed, since they have multiple people on the team, would it not have been smart to DIVIDE AND CONQUER? Again, taxis are much more spry. Then Star does lose her shit and screams for help getting the pizzas to the van. Lisa spits profanities out getting to the van.
OMG! There are OTHER cars in New York! Not fair!
The $40,000 pizza was delivered by THREE people – Marlee, Lisa and LaToya. Morons. Lisa says “I checked that off the list, so that felt good, but now we have to get downtown with all the traffic.” Double morons!
YAY! It took three of us to deliver one pizza! And we wonder why women make less than men!
Backbone continues to bring in $1,000 to $5,000 per slice donations which is pretty good. David introduces his daughter, “The lovely Katie Cassidy who is now doing Gossip Girl,” and she clearly does not want to be there…her hair is covered in a bandana and she’s wearing her Jackie-O glasses, so obviously she doesn’t want anyone to know she’s related to this total douchebag. She donates $1,000. Wow, that should put them over the top no problem.
I hope no one recognizes me as the big star my dad thinks I am.
Backbone closes the store. ASAP’s store was closed days ago. Were the pizzas delivered? Sadly, they did not make the deadline for the fire station. Well, the important thing is that you were a bitch. LaToya says, “That’s why you shouldn’t ever shut the doors.” How about shutting your mouth?
“My intuition is that I’m going to get blamed for it,” Lisa says. Here’s hoping. God, I really didn’t think I’d hate her this much, but here we are.
BOARDROOM! Star says she won because they pulled in major donors and Niki knows how to cook. Star says they wanted to show America that women can work together and not be catty. Okay, let me stop you right there. As a woman, I can tell you that is bullshit. We’re mean. We’re mean to each other sometimes. And you know why? Because HIGH SCHOOL SCARS NEVER HEAL. Let’s go to the tape, shall we?
I hope that fuschia animal on Nene’s shoulder attacks Lisa.
Trump asks Lisa what she thought of Star. She says Star was good. “Just good?” Trump asks and Lisa says, “Good.” She tells Trump she thought they could have been more cohesive as a group. Catty bitch!
Ivanka asks what the issue was and Lisa says there were things that happened that she still doesn’t know why they happened. Did you ask? “Like the store being closed when we were out delivering.” Again, did you ask or are you just bringing it up now to embarrass Star?
Star explains the large order was probably more than what they would have brought in with the customers off the street. Still, she should have kept the doors open. She admits the $40,000 order was on time but the fire station order did not make it. She says Lisa was in charge of delivery but she questions whether or not Lisa was working at full steam. Lisa busts out with “Why do you question that?” and Star – bitches, she’s an attorney, don’t argue! – says, “Because I just did, let me finish,” very calmly.
Hellcats on the loose!
She calls Lisa out for questioning her about closing the store without actually questioning her directly. “Instead of being an adult, woman professional, you became a little girl,” Star says. Readers, I rest my case. High school never leaves you. NEVER. Also, clearly they didn’t show America women can work together. So thanks for bringing that up, Star. Although I guess that’s not a big secret.
“Star, you are doing exactly what you said we wouldn’t do in front of everyone,” Lisa spats childishly, following with, “And I don’t think it’s appropriate.” The way she said this last part made it seem like she was posturing for Trump; that she was above all the nonsense and I don’t think for one second anyone bought it.
Trump asks Nene who botched things with the delivery and she says Lisa because she was in charge of it. Don asks when the orders to deliver were given and there seems to be some issue with if it was one or two hours. Don asks if they didn’t look at where they needed to deliver more carefully and prioritize based on location. Star says she wrote everything down, “In my own handwriting.” As opposed to writing it in the scrawl of a serial killer? Of course you wrote in your own handwriting.
He asks Marlee who she thinks who was right and she says it was the “fault of time.” Oh, yeah, way to blame something that can’t get fired. She starts going off on the pressure, blah blah blah and SOMEONE’S PHONE RINGS. And it has the really annoying ring that sounds like an old-fashioned phone. Who picks that for a ring? God!
Sure enough, it’s Gary’s phone. Because his agent is calling him for Point Break 2? With Charlie Sheen! Gnarly!
Trump is pissed! “It has to be GARY!” He doesn’t know how to turn his phone off. “Gary, you’re fired!” But he’s only kidding. Marlee says she didn’t hear it. Ha! Deaf people jokes are funny!
Over to the men. Richard says they won and every guy rocked it. His story is going to change is about 60 seconds. Richard says Jose and John worked like crazy. David says Jose was his star, mostly because he thinks Jose is his only ally. Trump asks Gary who was the best.
Gary gives him the Pepperoni Profit story which was horrifying to watch…then Trump asks him why his eye is puffed up and Gary said it’s “cancer residual” and at first I thought he was on a show called Cancer and those were his residuals, but apparently he has some kind of puffy eye cancer…I don’t know what the hell he’s talking about and at this point I’m too irritated to check it out on The Wik. (okay, it was actually cancer in his sinuses…I had a moment of weakness and looked).
“What could your team have done better,” Trump asks Gary after probing his medical history. And here we go. Gary says, “What we could have done better…is everything we did on the day of the task.” We cut to David and see him confused, but what’s new I guess. Trump asks him to explain and Gary says, “That means we did better.” Richard looks confused, shakes his head like he’s trying to get Gary off him like a dog shaking to get the rain off its back, and no one understands a goddamn thing that was just said.
Trump asks Jose what he thinks of Richard and he calls him “lottery lucky” for having the team he has. He’s not a big fan. He says Richard treated the team badly, was physical with David and is a bully. Yep. He explains how David was talking and Richard actually “forearmed him.” David jumps on that bandwagon immediately and whines about how he was treated. Pussy.
Tower of strength, this one.
Meat Loaf says he likes Richard but he was very aggressive and short with everyone. He’s arrogant and there you go. Richard defends himself by saying he was the first project manager and there was additional stress, but he just needed to get things done.
David gets all whiny and tells Richard he was pissed when he got pushed aside. Don asks if Richard did that because David is a little smaller than the other team members. Ouch! Then Richard and Jose get into it about the truth and Richard says he always speaks the truth. Yeah, unless you’re from the IRS I guess! Then Richard says Jose’s lack of intelligence shows. Rut-roh.
Trump mentions the delivery to the fire station and that the donation was $35,000 which makes team ASAP sick. Thanks, LISA.
So who won? The men made $54,104…not bad for pizza…The women raised $115,000! Holy shit! Even without the $40,000 they would have won. Catty teams do get the job done! Suck on that, Backbone. Lisa and Star hug. Barf.
Then Trump says that she essentially raised $170,000 which I just don’t get…even if he adds the $35,000 they didn’t make…now the whole Trump Casino bankruptcy thing starts to make sense. Oh, wait…he adds the men’s money to that, doesn’t he? Sorry, I need to read the rulebook more closely next time. Or drink less while watching the show.
Then he says the $35,000 goes to the star of the team and they all agree Niki kicked ass, so she gets it for the American Red Cross.
Ladies get to go back to watch the TV to see the men grilled and the men need to find their backbones because someone is going home. Now, I have to admit, I was pretty sure it was Richard – that everyone would turn on him. Let’s see how THIS bitchfest plays out.
Richard says that the women had better connections than the men did, which I’m going to call a little bit of bullshit on. I just think that they didn’t wait until midday during the task to call them, David Cassidy I’m looking in your direction.
Trump’s like, why didn’t you call your agents, they get their 10% for sucking your blood, right David and David laughs uncomfortably because 10% of ZERO is what his agent has been getting for years, as if the guy is still hanging around.
Then Richard basically says he thought Jose and David maybe had a strategy to work against him because Jose and Gary brought in nothing and David brought in very little. Don is like bitch, please, do you really think that happened and Richard says he’s just surprised at the animosity towards him when he didn’t hear any of this during the actual “game.”
Hold on…Jose didn’t seem to say anything but David certainly did, so maybe it’s a difference between you “hearing” and actually “listening.” However, I don’t think Jose and David are that devious or to be honest, that strategic or smart, to pull something where they screwed Richard out of winning. They just don’t have any friends!
Also, why is John Rich wearing his hat in the boardroom? And Lil John with the sunglasses? Have some f#cking respect for someone as yooge as Trump.
Then they get into the Who Touched David Cassidy Inappropriately™ game by Mattel and Trump is like, aren’t you embarrassed that you had to tell someone not to touch you? “Nobody touches me,” Trump says. Especially your wife, ba-dum-bah! I’ll be here all night.
Blah, blah, blah…David whines, Richard excuses and finally Trump says to Richard, “You know, in watching Jose right now, I think he’d like to beat the shit out of you.” “Correct,” Jose says. And he does have a long history of violent tendencies, so I’d learn how to duck real quick.
Trump asks Gary what he did as the Pepperoni Profit. Poor Trump is going to need mouthwash for asking that question it was so stupid. Gary says he wore a suit that didn’t fit, “scruffled” his hair to look like it was hit by lightning (so basically, “wake up and go”), and yell at people…then he goes off into his preacher rant and I have to fast-forward because of the irritation and sheer embarrassment for the man who once played Buddy Holly. You can tell Trump is thinking about how quickly he could have Gary killed.
The woman are watching this on TV cracking up and Star says, “Ladies and gentlemen, Academy Award nominee, Gary Busey,” then Lisa makes a crack about Gary’s eye doing “it’s thing” and says “awww” and Star says, “Come on now,” because she has class when it comes to cancer residuals.
Trump asks Richard if he thinks they were trying to get rid of him and he says really no. He doesn’t think that was Jose’s strategy. “You don’t think he’s that smart?” Trump asks, totally adding fuel to the fire of ratings for the next few shows. “I don’t,” Richard says. Better sleep with the lights on from now on.
Jose says, “He won’t be here long, so it’s irrelevant.” Yeah, I’m pretty sure Jose is going to eat Richard. David smiles wildly. Hold that thought, girlie man.
Richard says if people had come to him to tell him he was “too rough, picking on little people,” he says, motioning to David, “I would have addressed that imm—“ but he’s cut off by David saying, “I am not a little person!” Then Richard says he was talking about “anyone in general.” Then you shouldn’t have motioned to him and P.S. you’re a big fat hairy liar. Although that was actually hilarious.
“What you just said was offensive,” David says, then makes the unwise choice to add, “I weigh 140.” To which Richard calls him both sensitive and delicate. Ivanka’s like, dude, most men really don’t like being called little, sensitive and delicate. Unless jazz hands are involved.
Richard just continues to pick at the scab and finally Trump is like shut the hell up. He asks Lil John who he’d fire and Lil John says everyone busted their asses. Richard says, “They really didn’t,” and focuses on David’s breaks and the fact that Jose didn’t bring in 10 cents – the opposite of what he said in the beginning. Try to keep the stories straight please.
Gary says to fire Richard. “Hatch,” he adds, in case Trump get confused. In fact, everyone suggests firing Richard. This is going to be awkward if he doesn’t get fired. But it will be GREAT for ratings.
Okay, enough of this cheerleading camp, bring in two people. Richard decides on Jose and David, go figure. The women have to turn off the TV because it’s time for cold cream and curlers and Richard, David and Jose sit awkwardly in the lobby with Trump’s unsuspecting admin. Also, what the hell is going on with Jose’s suit jacket? Did he bedazzle it?
Back in the boardroom, it’s basically more of the same. Richard points out Jose didn’t raise money but he was a hard worker. But Trump asks David why he didn’t make any money. David says he did but we all know it wasn’t a significant amount. Trump asks if that was a strategy – making Richard look bad/lose, but David says no, which I believe. But either way, David looks like a loser – he wasn’t smart enough to create a strategy where Richard would lose AND he didn’t have enough clout to bring in people with big money. Oh D-list celebs, will you ever learn?
Richard says he’d fire David over Jose because David was more difficult to manage. Ivanka asks Jose why he called David an “underdog” and if that is why he perceived David was being bullied. Richard holds his ground and says there was a lot of whining and Trump is like, he’s right, you are a whiner David. Ouch. “I’m not a whiiiineeer,” David whines.
Jose says David has what it takes to defend himself through this competition and Don’s right up in everyone’s business saying that in terms of the level of energy he’s seeing, he doesn’t see David as a contender. No shit. David looks like he needs a white velvet chaise and some international coffee. David says he has no intention of quitting. In about 2 minutes, you won’t have to worry about that.
Trump asks if David took a lot of breaks and David says no, then turns to Jose for confirmation which Ivanka jumps on like a terrier on a vacuum cleaner during Stupid Pet Tricks. “Why are you deferring to Jose?” She tells David to step up. Ah, Darwin, here we go.
David says to Richard, “That is the last time you are going to lie and insult me in this room.” Well, you’ve got that right but not because he’s actually going to stop. David tries to be a man but really sounds like a scared little boy and calls Richard an egomaniac and a bully. Honestly, I thought he was going to break down and cry.
Trump can taste blood and he hates weakness and now David realizes the hyenas are closing in. Trump says his instincts are almost always right in business. He claims he’s not a huge fan of Richard’s but he’s a huge fan of David’s. He tells David that Jose and Richard have the energy and will to fight but that he (David) doesn’t have the same passion. David realizes what is about to happen and whines, “I think you’re making a mistake.”
You know the rules: No pussies!
“David, I respect you more than both of them,” Trump says. “You’re fired!” Wah-wah Wendy Whiner. As the elevator doors close David waves weakly to the admin. She has no idea who you are.
Seriously, who are you?
Trump says he likes David but he was having a hard time. Ivanka says she thought Daddy Trump let him down softly. J’adore her.
What gang signs ARE these?
In the cab, David makes a huge ass of himself by whining about the physical abuse Richard heaped on him. “I could have punched him but that’s not my style,” repeating, in case we didn’t hear the idiocy the first time, “I could have punched him but that’s not my style.” Like you could have reached him from your vantage point.
I could have beaten him up, I just didn’t want to. Good thing for him I’m not there anymore, or watchout, buddy…
Next week? Meat Loaf and Lisa are the project managers and Nene says Lisa was chosen “because we knew she wouldn’t be able to handle it” and they thought the best thing to do was get her out. Heh. The men screw up and the women are at each other’s throats. Go figure.