Celebrity Apprentice: Plugging Ivanka

Greetings Gasmii!

Hope you all managed to survive the down time without our little webite.  It was tough to be out on the streets for a week, but it’s good to know my musings have shelter once again. A big shout out to Flipit who carried the weight of the world on his back and managed to slog us through these trying times.

Since we’ve all been deprived, let’s get right down to business and rag on that hideous Sparky who seems to have found a Flowbee that fluffs.

Observe:

Episode 2 the hair seems a little thinner…

 

Episode 3 highlights and fluff!

 

This week’s episode starts off with the announcer saying that Trump went all medieval on the teams, which is ridiculous. Trump is too old and gray to do much more than scowl his bushy eyebrows in condemnation. Of course, since there are two hours to fill, they spend something like 35 minutes re-hashing last week’s episode and the “epic” battle between Lisa and Victoria Gotti.

 

                 
Yes, it was epic, if by epic, you mean a Stalinistic shrew
out-bitches a whiny, aging Disney princess.

Finally we get to Episode 3 and it picks up with Lisa and Dayana returning to their team. The women are surprised.

Tia missed a billion dollar career in porn.

It is at this point that the opening credits start to roll and I realize this is the first time we are seeing them. Lots of stupid shots of Sparky that remind me of a certain Russian leader who enjoys extraneous photo ops to help him relate to the people.

They are both super cool dudes.

And then we see three figures in silhouette. Yeah, yeah, DJ, Sparky and Ivanka will come out of the shadows. So I am confused when the following is revealed.

 

Turns out Sparky bore a third child.
One who failed to get the pretty gene from their mother.

His name is Eric and I have to say he looks like the product of Sparky and Gary Busey,

Penn visits Opportunity Village, his charity of choice to donate the winnings from last week’s challenge. This is the first season of Celebrity Apprentice I have seen, so I had no idea we would be subject to an educational piece each episode, revealing the charities and struggles of afflicted individuals. This show is becoming a bigger and bigger torture for me. The only thing I hate more than egotistical Hollywood idiots are things that make me cry. Seriously. I still haven’t seen Toy Story 3 or Up because I’ve heard they make you cry. Damn show.

 

Enough with the bittersweet poignancy!

 

The teams assemble at Trump Towers and the whole Trump family is there. Trump proves that the word nepotism shall soon be called a trumpetism as he announces that this week’s challenge will be to promote his little girl’s line of clothes with living window displays.  Trump asks if they know what that is.

 

Can you guess which team knows what a living window display is?

 

Eric will be a supervisor this week because, naturally, Ivanka is going to be their judge. The teams will each have to create two living window displays and the most compelling will be the winner.

Sparky tells them to pick project managers and Teresa immediately starts to justify why she should do it, with her fashion background and all. But then  Dayana pipes in that she would love to do it. She tries to be diplomatic and asks Teresa if she minds, but let’s be honest, Dayana isn’t really concerned if Teresa minds – she is used to getting what she wants. That’s why she was so annoyed with being ignored in the last task.

Since Adam thinks a living window dressing is a type of salad covering, the men decide whoever is gay among them should be the one to attempt to wrangle this task. George announces that he’s gay and he likes to think he has “good visual taste.” What is that? Are there others out in the world with good hearing taste or good smell taste? I love food – perhaps I have good taste taste.

Sparky asks the girls who their project manager is and Teresa tells him that both she and Dayana want to do it and they seem to be at a stalemate. Debbie Gibson then pipes up and says since Dayana has been in the business for 12 years and she hasn’t had a chance to step up yet, she should be the one to do it.

Allright, Gibson, where do I start?

First of all, how much opportunity has this girl had to prove herself?

She shall henceforth be called Teresa the Meek until I see something like this:

Where is this girl?

Second of all, Debbie, although Dayana has 12 years of experience, it is doing this:

And you think that means she is more qualified than someone who has studied this?

But regardless, Queen Debbie has spoken and with a backup from Praticia, Dayana is selected project manager. Teresa the Meek’s reaction?

This is getting boring.
Someone tell her to pay attention, already!

 

The men tell Trump that they have chosen George to be their Project Manager. Trump says this is a good choice, because even he believes it will take a gay guy to pull this one off. Poor George. He’s using every Star Trek cliche in existence and I’m beginning to feel a little sorry for him. As he tells Trump the men will boldly go where they have never gone before, I am left to wonder

Is Star Trek all he can remember of his identity?

 

Trump tells the teams that the winner will get twenty thousand for their charity. Only twenty? What the hell, the freaking prize money is diminishing with each episode. So I’ve done a quick calculation and if the current rate of diminished prize money keeps up, the winning team will get $4.88 on the last episode.

 

And in a completely unrelated comment, check out what Ivanka is wearing this week.

Talk about milking the Daddy’s little girl angle!

The women reconvene in their office and Patricia suggests the theme of following a professional woman through her day. This immediately sparks a pretty good idea in Aubrey’s auburn head about having a clock and she pretty much takes over the conceptualization.

So here’s the place each of you will come in behind me on this show…

In the men’s room, George thinks they have to dress four windows, instead of the two assigned. The men begin to fear for their leader. As Clay puts it, George is a little slower to process information and it is a little tougher for him to keep up with things. What Clay is gingerly trying to get at is that George’s brain is getting old. The man is 74 years old, so he is certainly inclined to forget a few things every now and then.

Clay encourages the team to come up with a theme for the windows and George points out it is spring time. Not winter or fall. Spring.

Penn moves on and comes up with the idea of using twins for dual looks. A rousing conversation of how much it costs to book twins for the night ensues. Then George suggests they only need them for 45 minutes.

Like you actually know what that means, George.

Adam suggests George sketch out his vision, but George tries to stall. Arsenio steps in.

Sketch, gay guy with visual taste!

George looks lost. Adam and Clay, two of the three brains of the operation, are worried. Penn is just too polite to admit it.

Ivanka and some dude from Lord & Taylor show up to discuss the project with the men.

Anyone else get an AI vibe from this guy?

In the Forte room, Debbie Gibson is definitely demonstrating a clear knowledge of branding by asking all the right questions about demographics and what the statement of the clothing line is. Ivanka’s actual answer: “My customer has the ability, through the apparel, to really go from day to night. From the office to a cocktail party and then on the weekend.” How did we ever get out of our pajamas before her?

Asking questions seems to be the right move as Ivanka also offers up that the color coral is very important in their packaging. I think the girls are getting an edge on the details that will matter. Dayana agrees and tells us, of course they are going to use coral.

Do you think she hid her hands during the Miss Universe contest?

 

At Unanimous, George has finally come up with a concept; Ivanka by day and Ivanka by night. They will use the twins to show the same person in both looks and have decided the day look will be office, while the night look will be red carpet premier. Arsenio and Clay will serve as models in the windows and then Arsenio surprises us all by requesting that he be the one to dress the girls.

Now I don’t know much about fashion. Seriously, I am sure people cringe at my comfort first apparel, but I don’t think dressing quirky is the same as dressing fashionable.

 

Is it?

Turns out Adam used to be a carpenter and he and Paul will serve as set designers for the windows. Lou tries to get on board the committee, but is brushed aside. Paul offers his OC Chopper shop to build stuff for them. *sigh* This resource seems unfair. Or if it is allowed, there should be tasks that require resources women can cash in on, like personal shoppers and interior designers.

Dee interrupts the men’s planning to tell them he has to go to his doctor appointment for his still broken and untreated finger. What a tough guy!

BTW, I think this shirt is much cooler than what Arsenio was wearing.
But what do I know?

Arsenio thinks Dee probably won’t be able to return. Or shouldn’t return. He likens Dee to the one armed man in The Fugitive. I think the statement is unfair, since Dee has stuck around for everything since breaking his finger.

The shirt says Vegas, the vest says Blues,
the tie says jazz and the hat says Leprechaun.
Fashion is so confusing.

Back in Forte, they are picking the models they will use. Obviously, Dayana will be one of the models and then Debbie chimes in that she doesn’t mind being one of the models. She thinks she’s an accessible woman….

Holy shit, she thinks she’s a model.
How do I manage her ego and kill her aspirations?

See? I can model. I call this one The Vogue.

Dayana thinks incredibly fast on her feet and points out that Debbie doesn’t fit the demographic, which is absolutely true. I’d like to point out what Dayana didn’t say but was probably thinking:

 

Both these professional beauties knew better than to expect to be in the window.

It is decided that since she is contemporary and fits the demographic, Aubrey will be the other model in the window.

Score one for Aubrey. (running total Debbie 2, Aubrey 1)

The men’s design team wisely heads to their windows and begin to do their own actual build of the window. Adam proves to be incredible as a carpenter. Michael does a great job watching.

 

Seriously, this is all I’ve ever seen him do.
I’m not even sure I’ve heard him speak yet.

Aubrey, Lisa and Tia have headed over to Lord & Taylor to get their designs cooking and they realize the boxes are too small for their concept. Dayana has a hard time trying to figure out how to modify the concept to fit the scope of the boxes.

The other ladies head to Ivanka’s showroom and Dayana finally comes up with a pretty good concept of using Ivanka’s sketches in one window morphing into pictures of the real product in the other. She still seems frazzled by the loss of their first concept, though.

The men also appear in the showroom to pick their clothes and they are greeted by Amanda, the Trump receptionist who controls access to his boardroom. I’ve always wondered about the girls who sit behind that pointless desk and get significant camera face time. Are they doing one of the Trumpsters? Are they distant relatives? What’s the angle that allows them to get name and face time on the show?

This season, it turns out Amanda also works for Ivanka’s clothing line.

But I’m guessing not as a model.

Arsenio is having a blast picking out the clothes and is salivating over the shoes.

“Hell, yes!” (really?)

When George says he likes the Betty White pump better, Clay quips, “that’s because you and Betty White went to kindergarten together.” Ooohhhh gay boys getting catty! If I were George I’d be pissed – Betty White has nearly 20 years on him!

I agree with Arsenio’s observation that the gay men on the team aren’t as helpful as one would have thought. He surmises they aren’t the right type of genre of gay men. Where’s RuPaul when you need her?

In walks Eric Trump to check on the men’s progress. I get a total vampire vibe from this guy.

I’m sorry – I can’t help it!

Eric corners Clay and asks him how George is doing as project manager. Clay proves he has a promising career in politics as he manages to avoid admitting George has no control and spinning things to point out the positive that people are being allowed to shine with their natural strengths. Vamperic does not miss the underlying message, though.

In the Forte war room, the ladies are shooting models in Ivanka’s clothing for their set. Debbie gets the brilliant idea to call Ivanka and request access to her jewelry, since they originally only had access to Ivanka’s clothing. I find this move genius and once again proves that Debbie has definitely got a great head for marketing.

Marketing. Not modeling.

Donald Junior, who is becoming more attractive, now that I’ve seen him straight on and met his brother, shows up to check on the women. Despite them explaining their ideas, he can’t get a sense of a true concept from them. He’s worried they aren’t going to be able to get it together.

Despite the advantages, could the women actually be in trouble?

Dee is at the doctor and being the super rock star that he is, he’s figured out a way to do something no one else has been able to do.

TV censors, this one’s for you!

But turns out there is very bad news. His finger is badly broken and he has to have surgery now because it will heal like that if he waits too long. Uh-oh… By the way, now is a good time to mention that Sparky recommended he let the finger heal naturally. What a douche.

George calls his boys at the workshop and tells them to paint the evening window background midnight blue to suggest night. Then he tells them they can wrap it up for the day when they’re finished. Adam points out he probably should have come by and checked things out, since there was still some time, but he is fine being the one in charge of the entire background production. He also points out that Michael likes to follow people around, just like a race car driver tucks in behind a car and then swings out at the last second to take the lead. I must say, Adam is growing on me and I found his jokes funnier this week.

Lou is concerned that the midnight blue is too dark. He wants Adam to call George about it, but Adam tells Lou that George signed off on midnight blue, so midnight blue it shall be.

No one takes blue Lou seriously. If only he were green.

It’s a long night for the girls as Dayana has trouble choosing the pictures that will be used for the windows. They are running out of time and everyone is worried.

 

Due to the direness of his injury, Dee heads into surgery, but not before pointing out that the whole thing is Sparky’s fault. I love this guy.

The next morning both teams are facing some issues. The men are facing a challenge with the sign that was made at Paul’s shop. While it is beautiful, it will also have big black poles smack dab in the middle of their display, instead of off to the sides and out of view. They try to trouble shoot and while they are working on how to hang the sign, Lou interrupts to encourage them to measure the height of the sign to be sure it will be visible in the window. This seems like a good call to me, but everyone else acts like Lou is in the way.

I don’t think he is gonna stand for too much more of this pushing aside.

 

Michael is his usual helpful self.

With time running out for the ladies, the photos of clothes and sketches that Forte desperately need to tie their windows together are still not at Lord & Taylor. Lisa and Debbie call to say that although they are close, they are stuck in serious traffic.

Ever in need of being busy, Aubrey practices her paper towel trick.

Debbie and Lisa finally arrive and it turns out that there are no photos of the clothing. They only have photos of the sketches. There are only a few minutes left and the girls are going to have to come up with something else! They are all freaking and as the show cuts to commercial, I’m thinking this will weed out the mice from the men. Someone will need to be able to think on the fly for these girls to have any hope. Personally I’m guessing it will be Debbie or Tia who might be able to pull this thing off, but it is Aubrey who barely misses a beat before offering up a new idea that allows them to work with what they have and is a solid concept.

It might be time to actually learn this fembot’s name. And take her seriously.

There is ten minutes left and Clay, Arsenio and Penn are prepping their twin models.

George decides to guard the water.

I have to say, the twins look more like catalog models than high fashion. And maybe that would be okay, but I’m not sure the choices the men made are the best.

It looks like a pot holder, a 60′s curtain,
and Debbie Gibson’s nemesis Tiffany.

Suddenly, Dee Snider walks in. The men are delighted to see him.

The one armed man is here. Damn!

It is time for the big debut and George is extremely nervous. He stumbles over words trying to welcome Ivanka and AI and then he forgets Clay’s name while showing them the daytime window! I do like the men’s concept of using twins to show what the same exact woman will look like in daytime and nighttime wear. It is a good idea for a fashion simpleton such as myself.

The daytime window

Unfortunately, in their other window, the midnight blue color choice does not work well with the bright glare from the sun, nor does it make Arsenio easy to see.

Ivanka and AI both ask about the models, making me suspect they want hotter girls in the clothes. Also, the night time red carpet wear does not seem all that red carpety. I think the men would have stood a better chance if right here and now George had explained that Clay was working for all the girls in the first window and the less fancy dressed girl in the night time window was an assistant of the starlet. But sadly, George doesn’t seem to work well without a script.

Ivanka was very complimentary and especially liked the sign work Paul’s shop did. They also heard that Arsenio made snap decisions on which clothes to use. For some reason, George pipes in with the following:

“Most people are like Lou, you know.
We – they’re not involved. Uh. He certainly (voice breaking)
fessed up early on that that’s not his thing.”

 

Shut up, George!

But I don’t think George really meant to sink Lou here. I think what he was trying to say in his nervousness was that none of the other straight guys could or would take on the task of choosing clothes. I’m pretty sure it wasn’t a premeditated set up in case the team had to face the firing squad. George was frankly just a complete mess facing the judges. But of course, it hurts Lou’s feelings.

Ivanka and AI now head over to Forte’s window displays and the girls are completely prepared. Teresa hands them each a bouquet of flowers. Tia, Lisa and Debbie each say a few lines of a speech introducing the collection. The women are all wearing the clothes.

They completely nailed the introduction.

Since it is a little bit cheesy, my hunch is Debbie had a hand in arranging the greeting. As Ivanka asks them about their concept and compliments them on how great they all look in their clothes, Aubrey is inside the window realizing their shoes are not visible.

Aubrey thinks they will get in trouble
for the border blocking the view of their hoofers.

Ivanka congratulates the women on a job well done and she and AI head off. They discuss how the teams did and conclude that for the men’s signage was a plus while styling was a fail. For the women, styling was a plus but the visible fan was a huge disappointment.

Oops!

Ivanka also points out, just as Aubrey predicted, that the shoes were barely visible. That little fake red head might just be a contender! Ivanka and AI agree it will a very difficult decision, so they head off to talk to daddy.

We are now 52 minutes into the show and the teams are heading into the board room. That means 68 minutes of watching Sparky make pouty lips and ask stupid questions! Aaaahhhhhh!!!!! I take this bullet every week for you, Gasmii readers. I hope you remember me on Sunday evenings while you are enjoying your life.

So things start out with Old Sparky asking his future wife what her team’s concept was. She laughs.

WTH?

Do you think she’s laughing because they never had an actual concept that was executed? Or is she trying to remind the old geezer of how lovely and pleasant she is so he’ll go easy?

Ah, I see, Dayana doesn’t know what their ultimate concept was. Too bad Aubrey can’t take this one. So the women are playing it smart. They are sticking together behind their project manager and they are all wearing Ivanka’s jewelry. Aurbrey throws out some kiss ass key words about Ivanka being amazing, and how they embodied her natural style, sophistication, and modern grace. Maybe Diddy did teach this young ‘un a thing or two.

 

Aubrey embodies natural style using gold lamé.

The stupid questions continue and behold, somehow, Dayana manages to get away with not picking two people that she might bring back to the boardroom. Damn, beauty is a powerful thing! Trump has never let anyone get away without answering that one. So Trump turns to Aubrey and asks her who she would choose. Despite being a wet colt, that child knows how to blow bullshit smoke up an ass and squirm her way out of a tight situation without saying anything. Maybe the Republicans should create an Aubrey/Clay ticket.

DJ won’t let the matter drop and asks the question another way, who would you want to be on your team? I am beginning to suspect that Aubrey knew exactly what she was doing as she first names Lisa and then names the second hottest girl in the competition, Patricia. She says Patricia has great contacts and Sparky jumps in to interrupt that she also has great style. Then he asks Lisa if she thinks Patricia has great style. With that, the old man is distracted and Aubrey is off the hook. This is the banality that sucks up two hours of my weekend. Someone send me flowers.

Trump gets distracted yet again by the huge white cast glaring over from the men’s team and moves on to mention that Dee is a hero and asks what happened. So, even though we already know, and I’m sure Sparky does too, we have to sit through a rehashing of Dee’s medical woes. Debbie offers to no one in particular that Dee should bedazzle his cast. Bedazzle… yep that goes right along with Ivanka’s high fashion.

We do learn that apparently when Dee was told he wouldn’t be able to make the Devil Horn gesture (the universal salute of metal heads worldwide), he knew the surgery was a must.

My career was on the line, man!

The men are as confident as the women that they won the challenge. Sparky says the signs must have been beautiful if Paul made them and I have to ask; why doesn’t Sparky bother to see this stuff for himself anymore? He almost doesn’t need to be in this show at all. DJ tells us that Ivanka liked the Unanimous signs so much she wants them for her shop.

Make her pay for it, Paul!
Oh, and what’s up with the sloping mustache?

Next Sparks asks Clay how George was as a leader and Clay tries to say he did fine, although his voice squeaks a little during the lie. Sparks seems stumped and turns to his vampire son and asks the blood boy what it was that he said about his interaction with Clay. Vamperic says Clay laughed when asked how George was doing during the challenge. Poor Clay…

Why does the Trump enjoy putting people here?

But Clay squirms his way out of it by just talking nonsense until Sparky gets bored and moves on. I’m telling you…

If you want to resuscitate the party…

This is the way to go!

Trump asks everyone under the sun what they thought of George as project manager – that kills about three minutes of my life.

The boardroom boys review the pros and cons of each team’s work – we already know that crap. Then Sparky shows photographs of the opposing team’s windows. Patricia points out that it looks like Clay is in charge in the men’s daytime window. This leads to an explanation that Clay was meant to work for the women – something George should have explained to the judges at the time. Sparky asks why they didn’t choose, say Lou, for instance in the window and George says it is because Lou is mature and imposing. Lou looks like he takes offense to this.

 

How dare you call me mature!

Frankly, I think Lou is a bit over sensitive. Also, since George is always grasping at straws, it is wise to sit far away from him so you don’t become his focal point in his desperation to say something.

The men are confused by the Forte windows and said they seemed very busy. I agree that it isn’t clear what is going on in the windows. As Aubrey tries to explain what they were trying to symbolize, Lou speaks up for the first time with the most relevent statement I’ve heard all night.

 

“When I look at this, it makes me want to go on a picnic.”

Awkward pause by everyone before Sparky simply says, “Ok.” I think Lou was actually criticizing the dress Dayana was wearing which could look like a picnic blanket, but that would not be a good idea in front of three of Ivanka’s closest, blood thirsty, and mostly living relatives.

Anyway, they move on, and twenty minutes after the tasks have been completed, we finally get to the part where Sparky will tell us who won after he drags it out for a few more seconds. Finally he announces the women have won for the first time.

Please. Like this task wasn’t designed to keep your numbers up.

The men remain in the boardroom and discuss who is to blame for the fail. Everyone does a great job of not actually pointing a finger at anyone else and mentioning others strengths, rather than weaknesses. Donald keeps jumping around asking questions and not letting anyone give very good answers. He decides that Dee gets a pass this week and has immunity from the board room.

With the focus now on poor clothing choices, Arsenio gives great answers saying that how could he have done a bad job when everything he was choosing from was Ivanka’s line. It becomes pretty apparent that George will most likely be fired. The men all offer up their love and respect for George, but the outcome is very clear.

Sparky asks George if he even wants to bring two people back. Ouch! But George decides to name Lou and Arsenio as the two others to consider for being fired. Arsenio for choosing the clothes and Lou because he doesn’t understand directions.

The three men wait in the lobby until Sparky calls Amanda and tells her to let them back in.

 

What is her deal? Amanda has gotten more solo
camera time than Michael or Teresa!

It is quickly established that there is no reason for Lou to be in the boardroom. Trump says something about having a donkey and a cart and although each one goes around the race track and one is twice as fast as the other, they both get there eventually. Is he calling Lou a donkey?

There is some debate if it was Arsenio or George’s fault that no one called Ivanka to get advice and assistance. At this point, even George realizes he is about to be fired. But he remains stoic.

 

He points out that this has been an excruciating experience but he has forged new friendships that he hopes to continue long after the show. Since it is so obvious, Sparky puts the man out of his misery and fires him.

 

Although not shirtless, at least George gets
to hug his favorite hunk of Hulk.

And so, Mr. Sulu departs for greener pastures. Personally I think it is a damn shame that Sparky didn’t invite George to play sooner. I think he’s beginning to suffer from memory loss. This is a smart man and I believe he would have been a much stronger contender a few years ago. But hopefully he will live long and prosper and go where no man has gone before and the force will be with him.

 

Peace out, Takei!

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This women is beyond eye candy.
She’s like a gourmet dessert for the eyes.

I’m just not compelled to say
the same for this “model.”