Hi again Gasmii!
Did you enjoy this week’s episode of CA? I found myself laughing out loud at the contestants quite a few times. It was an enjoyable way to spend an hour of my evening. Unfortunately, the show takes two hours but I don’t really remember much of the snooze-fest
board boredroom except that the end result was sad but necessary. So let’s get down to this week’s events – where the final six face off for a chance at the main title. Exciting stuff to have the top six finalists; must be the best of the best, right?
So the episode picks up with Lisa getting her free pass from last week’s boardroom and joining team Unanimous in their war room. Aubrey comes on to revel in the most stunning turn of events:
“How amazing is it that I’m the last one out of these people standing to win a big check and I’m the reason why most of the people here have won a big check. I’m stronger and fiercer than both the people on my team. Whether you like me or hate me I’m the reason why we ever had a creative on this team. Period. Point blank.”
What I find amazing is her healthy and oblivious sense of self.
Clay and Dayana return from the boardroom and no one is shocked that Penn got sent home. Clay says while he’s sad to see such a strong player be sent packing, he’s in it to win it, so he’s also glad.
Meanwhile, Lisa gives birth to twin baby hippos.
Aubrey is delighted to finally be able to deliver some winnings to GLSEN – the Gay, Lesbian, Straight Education Network. I’m confused about their name – isn’t lesbian a type of gay? Aubrey strolls in looking like Little Orphan Annie after she’s been adopted and greets the two worker bee’s with a familiarity they don’t seem to share.
Do we know you, uber pretty and popular girl who clearly has no sexual identity issues?
After Aubrey presses her breasts on both
girls guys kids, she asks if they have ever been bullied in school.
“Yes, but now I’ve got others talking and things have gotten a lot better.”
That is one courageous kid! Good for you, beautiful child. Aubrey doesn’t even respond or act like she cares about their plight. Instead she makes it all about herself.
“I was also bullied in school.”
I’m with the GLSEN kid. I’m sure Aubrey THINKS she was bullied – anytime people don’t agree with her that she’s the best thing since Boston Creme Pie, she considers it bullying. Real bullying is when you are alone at the lake and a bully is throwing rocks at you, so you swim out to the dock in the middle of the lake and shiver and freeze your ass off until the sun goes down, waiting for the bully on shore to go away so you can slink home and feel super crummy about your wimpy, cowardly self. Nobody with as much self appreciation stuck up their own ass as Aubrey has was ever made to feel that way.
Aubrey tells us that in school she suffered all the time and she didn’t have any teachers to turn to like these lucky little whiny brats. Her plight is a far more serious story. She says she was constantly bullied and she was very different from the other kids.
Maybe if you had been a little more cleanly and washed off
the mold spots, things would have been better.
In walks Eliza, an adult who works for GLSEN. She’s the older version of the awkward kids Aubrey has been one-upping and this woman extends her hand for a hearty man shake greeting.
Hello Aubrey, nice to meet you.
But no, the clear body language that says this woman does not want to come into close physical contact with Aubrey is ignored and Aubrey insists on pressing her breasts against this person too.
I would call this a subtle act of bullying.
This girl won’t stop touching us.
I know – I’m totally uncomfortable and weirded out. Plus, I clearly have a crush on Eliza.
Aubrey tells them that she’s fighting very hard and has brought them a check for 50K (it includes her 10K tear stained manipulation).
Aren’t I the most delicious pop star and don’t you just adore me?
Aubrey tells us she reminds herself every day what she’s fighting for and that she has posted all around her bed the pictures of children who have committed suicide as a result of extreme bullying.
“This is my suicide collage. That’s Frankie and Tommy and Amber and Jenny.
That one is Mark and there’s Bethany. Oh this is Peter, but he was only depressed.
He wasn’t bullied, so he doesn’t count.”
This is the look on her face as she talks about dead kids.
It’s time for the teams to assemble and this time they are meeting by a lake. Because the task will be about songs. That’s how these things work.
New fashion rule: chunky women cannot wear chunky jewelry. Period. Point blank.
Ol’ Sparky is joined by my two faves – delicious Ivanka and Dorkus Amongus. There is also a representative from Good Sam – a company I’ve never heard of before, but Sparks says they are the largest organization of RV owners “anywhere”. Maybe I would know the name if I ever had an RV.
The Good Sam guy makes me think of a cartoon character – but I can’t quite place which one.
Their assignment will be to create a jingle for Good Sam and to perform it live in front of an audience. Sparks wonders who has the advantage on this task. He points out that Clay Aiken is one of the greatest singers… as he’s musing, Arsenio is frantically pointing to Aubrey.
Please say her name, Mr. Trump.
I can’t handle the hysterics if you don’t.
Trump says, “Oh yeah, Aubrey. We think of you as Playboy cover, but it’s actually singing, isn’t it? You know it’s terrible to be type cast sometimes.”
God knows, I’ve never heard your music, but your pictures
are still in my bathroom’s gold magazine rack.
Arsenio volunteers to be the project manager for Team Unanimous. He tells us he already knows Aubrey will be spending the day trying to steal his thunder. For team Forte, Dayana says she wants to do it, since she’s tired of being marginalized. The winning team could potentially have a huge windfall as the reward will be forty five thousand dollars outright and 100% of the profits from the Good Sam bobble head that is to be sold.
Arsenio does a white man happy dance, proving that besides Whitney (RIP)
he’s the only other black person that can’t dance. Teresa looks like she forgot
to change after playing dress up with her daughters.
Aubrey looks like she’s embodying Poison Ivy. (I’m sure she described this look as fierce.)
Team Forte is riding in their van and strategizing about song styles and who will sing.
Lisa and Clay are doing most of the talking while Dayana
takes her time mulling over genius ideas.
Dayana finally speaks up to ask if most jingles are related to Christmas music. BWAHAHAHAHA!!!!
Poor dear, I totally get why she would confuse Jingle Bells with a commercial jingle. When in her life would she have heard the English term for short blurbs of music you hear on a radio during advertising? Clay explains it to her patiently, but Lisa takes obnoxious delight in the fact that Dayana doesn’t know this term. I would love to take Lisa to South America and throw her out of a plane over Caracas and see how she does trying to get anything done in a big city in Spanish. Vaca gorda estúpida.
Dayana goes on to muse that they will need to come up with words that rhyme with tire, oil, – just anything that rhymes. They should all start writing it down. Don’t spoil my oil when you expire your tire.
Alright, fine – I see your point, Lisa and Clay.
Clay points out that usually the melody comes first. Lisa sneers “that’s for sure.”
As if you know anything about this, vaca.
And then, Dayana comes up with her most brilliant idea to date:
“Can we just call Debbie Gibson?”
In the Unanimous van, Aubrey is throwing out “amazing” ideas that involve cheerleaders. Arsenio doesn’t think that suits any of their personalities, except Aubrey’s.
But I’m the only one that matters, has-been comic guy.
Her next idea is that she will teach them an easy tap dancing choreography. Arsenio says that tap dancing has a whole different societal meaning for black men and he’s not tap dancing.
But what about Gregory Hines?
Apparently, Gregory is the exception. Arsenio refuses to tap dance.
What’s next? You want me to paint on white lips and pose like a lawn jockey?
“Arsenio is the biggest girl on this show, so I don’t know why he doesn’t
like tap dancing or wearing cheerleading outfits. We all know he does it at home.”
Aubrey’s got some priceless words this episode, so forgive me for continuing to quote her.
“I was just thinking of what would be most effective for you to win as project manager, so that we could have the best performance possible.” That’s pure bullshit gold.
Arsenio marvels that she already knows what the winning idea will be. She starts to back off and acknowledges that Arsenio is the project manager and they should do what he wants.
Teresa sums up the whole situation with her usual Hemingway-esque verbiage.
“That car ride got a little bit awkward. I was like awkward.”
Unanimous is meeting with the Good Sam exec and Aubrey of course manipulates the conversation to get the guy to admit that Good Sam is a cheerleader for their project. The guy has no idea how to respond to Aubrey’s out there suggestion, but he incorporates it into his message that Sam represents integrity, affordability and peace of mind.
At Forte, Clay and Lisa are leaning towards a doo-wop ’50′s sound, but then Dayana says she wants to switch it up a little bit and bring it up to the ’80′s. Clay and Lisa just sort of roll their eyes and continue to discuss how they will develop the jingle and create the lyrics. Good Sam guy comes in and encourages them to go out on a limb and not play it safe. Clay surmises that choosing a ’60′s sound is not playing it safe because it will appeal to everyone(???) Dayana is irritated that Clay and Lisa seem to be steamrolling over her.
At Unanimous, we catch up with them just as Aubrey is passive aggressively asking, “so everyone here is a size 4, right?” Well I wasn’t going to do this, but I can’t stand those kinds of questions – they are a form of bullying, by the way, because if you aren’t you have to admit what amounts to a failure. So this was earned, Aubrey!
There’s all kinds of funky bulges in that size four.
The musicians have arrived and Aubrey explains that they are trying to come up with a fresh sound that is akin to Black Eyed Peas and Gwen Stefani. In addition to calling it fresh, which was a term she used for the perfume, she also refers to it as new wave. I thought new wave was something like Yanni or Flock of Seagulls or something. She asks Arsenio what his vision is for who will sing, but what she really means is
Now is when you tell me I should be the lead singer.
Then she asks Arsenio if he wants to rap in his song. At first I think he’s going to shred her for proposing yet another stereotypical black man action, but then he surprises me.
I won’t tap, but I will rap!
At Forte, Clay encourages the team to come up with the song style so they can move on. Dayana says, “Ok, let’s come up with some beats, then.” And she starts snapping her fingers and bouncing in her chair as if this will conjure a song.
Clay says he’s never heard of a song ever being written that way. He encourages they focus on a style first and Dayana suggests Duran Duran. Clay sounds like he’s starting to lose it as he points to Good Sam and growls nothing about the mascot says Duran Duran.
The musicians arrive and Clay asks them to play some sound samples of different styles for Dayana to choose one she likes. Finally after taking a nostalgic walk through the 50′ and 60′s, they arrive at a sound Dayana approves of. It’s in the ’60′s.
Oh my f*&%ing God!
Dayana says she likes the sound but she would prefer if it were more….(searches for the word)… pink.
Clay exorcises his frustration.
Actually, Dayana is now asking if the sound can be more yellow. Or maybe all red.
I’m on candid camera, right?
While this is hilarious, I have to say I really like the idea of describing sounds with colors. I think Dayana’s lack of terms has forced her to come up with a creative solution that is very appealing. We already have the blues, why not have the yellows or the reds? Red would have to be angry stuff, while yellow would be probably be more like Kenny Rogers.
At Unanimous, Arsenio has assigned Teresa to promotional materials and instructed Aubrey to help her. He’s practicing a drum solo that the musicians have planned for the beginning of their performance. Afterwards, Arsenio requests that they record the background singers.
There will be no singing without my presence!
Despite not being asked, and not being one of the background singers, Aubrey abandons her assignment and saunters into the recording studio to insert herself with the background singers. I missed it the first time I watched the show, but she actually says “It’s the Aubrey Bops!” to the singers as she walks into the recording booth.
No one better sing louder than me.
At Forte, Clay is starting to create the song. He’s got “Good Sam” down but needs filler words. Dayana suggests, Good Sam: it gets you back on the track. The she sings it in this horrible high pitched voice and shimmies her shoulders in a clearly girl can’t dance way.
Clay points out that track doesn’t rhyme with Sam and Dayana does genuinely seemed confused by this. I’m trying to give her the benefit of the doubt and listening to how she pronounces it, thinking maybe with her accent it does, but no. Sadly, this episode is reinforcing all the complaints that have been made about our Miss Universe in nearly every episode.
Dayana wants to sit beside Lisa and write the song lyrics together. Lisa says she can’t create with Dayana watching over her shoulder. I have to give Lisa kudos for remaining polite and patient with Dayana up to this point. As Dayana accepts that Lisa needs to do it alone, she warns Lisa to put back in the one lyric she wrote: We put you back on track. In confessional, she comes on to complain that there is no respect for the project manager and her ideas.
Oh, stunningly gorgeous woman, why must you prove
everything they’ve been saying right?
They are recording the song and Clay has some amazing pipes! I missed his season of American Idol, although somehow I did hear his version of Don’t Let The Sun Go Down on Me – I think it was required viewing by all of America. The only song I remember by him was called Invisible (I had to look it up) – I just remember some creepy lyric about wishing he could be a fly on a girl (maybe it wasn’t a girl)’s wall.
I had an idea that he was a good singer, but those are
some serious chops we are currently hearing.
Lisa comes on and tells us she’s excited to hopefully replace the Crystal Light remix created by Debbie Gibson that continues to run through her head with this new little ditty.
Dayana interrupts the groove to ask Clay if he really wants to sing the lyrics, Sam is my favorite man. I don’t see how Clay would have a problem with that and he tells Dayana not to worry about it right now. She thinks maybe the background women should sing it. Strange, conservative choice to be concerned about for a woman fighting for people with AIDS.
Alright – I see what they mean about her micromanaging stupid little stuff.
Clay hopes this is the Venezuelan symbol for fuck you.
Lisa is now in the recording booth and she’s doing a talking informational blurb and Dayana comes on to ask Lisa if she can do it in a cuter voice. Maybe try to be less scary.
Dorkus Amongus arrives to check on Unanimous. They perform their jingle for him and he thinks things are going really well. But then he and Aubrey go into the sound proof room and she spills her proverbial poison guts. “Arsenio’s not creative. I’m the only one that’s creative and I’m the only one that has the creative on every single task since being in Unanimous. That’s a fact. That’s not an opinion. It’s impossible for him to make a decision and stand by it. He always has an excuse. He tiptoes around everything. He isn’t capabale of just saying what it is, doing it and standing by it. Three very simple things that you have to be able to do in business.”
I am the victim here, Donald Jr.
Over at Forte, they move on to discuss the look of their presentation. Dayana wants one hippie in the mix, since they are doing a ’60′s song. Clay outright says no and Lisa says they can do a hippie if she wants, but it’s a bad idea. Clay comes on to tell us he hasn’t had to draw on such reserves of patience since he taught special needs kids in the classroom. BWAHAHAHAHAHA!
Dayana describes how frustrating her teammates are.
She looks cute even like this. Imagine if Lisa were making this face!
Dayana tells us she’s worried that having the ’60′s on stage won’t be diverse enough to appeal on a broad scale (my interpretation of her limited words). She’s got a good point, although in no way does adding a hippie to the scene help that concept.
But then again, it is kind of cute. Maybe it would appeal to the masses.
Dorkus Amongus appears and asks Dayana how things are progressing. She tells him they are lucky to have Clay on their team as he has great ideas. Lisa pipes in that she was involved in those ideas too and Clay shouldn’t get all the credit. Dayana says nothing. When DJ asks her if her ideas are being heard, she says not really, since Clay knows what he’s doing and Lisa is being as loud as possible. She continues to try to talk, while Lisa jumps in to claim that isn’t fair since she’s been quiet and cooperative this entire task (which, astonishingly enough, is true). Lisa tells Dayana she’s being passive aggressive, while Dayana finally stands her ground and refuses to be interrupted. I love it! Dayana is finally playing dirty with this bitch. Sadly she waited too long, and she hasn’t got enough weapons in her arsenal to compete with this strategy.
I’m so hurt you aren’t giving me credit for my work.
And if you say I’m loud, I’ll show you loud!
You are so out of line, you can do this thing yourself!
And Dayana’s response to the whole thing:
That’s right, vaca, show DJ how unprofessional you are.
I say good for Dayana! Yes it is passive aggressive to push Lisa’s buttons like this, but why not? It’s the first time she is fighting back and it is about time. Sadly, I think her plan is to have Lisa implode unprofessionally in front of the judges, but Dayana isn’t a strategist, and in the end this looks like what it really is; someone working extremely hard (and trying to be nice for once) who is hurt that they aren’t getting any credit. The writing is on the wall, sadly. It truly is time for our beautiful girl to go.
At Unanimous, Arsenio agrees with Aubrey’s idea that she and Teresa should start on the choreography while Arsenio lays down his rap track. While riding in the van, miss “amazing ideas” is plotting her boardroom campaign as she decides they have no direction from Arsenio and so don’t know what they should do. Interesting, since this entire concept was her idea, she’s already proposed doing choreography and she point blank suggested to Arsenio that she head over to get things started. She suggests Teresa call Arsenio.
But Teresa refuses to be part of her obvious manipulation
and thrusts the phone at Aubrey to do the talking.
Good girl, Teresa! Unfortunately, you, like Dayana, are developing a game play a little too late.
Although Aubrey acted like she was listening to Arsenio’s vision, she has decreed that he doesn’t know what he’s doing and therefore she will take over. She’s moving his drum solo to the end of the production and assigning him a role as a stranded motorist alongside Teresa.
Good Sam arrives and Aubrey insists on pressing her breasts against him too.
I’ve got three theories on this strange human behavior Aubrey O’Day is fond of displaying. One was that it was a customary greeting from whatever world she is from, but turns out she is from San Francisco, so that’s out. (Show me the birth certificate!) My second theory was that maybe she has no feelings in her boobs and has to press them against objects to get any sensation out of them. Thirdly, since last episode she described her idea of success being about how much you improve others lives by giving of yourself, maybe she thinks Aubrey boob crushes are a blessing for those lucky recipients she deigns to bestow them upon.
Arsenio arrives and is surprised to have so many things changed up. I think he’s nervous about his drumming bit, because when he finds out that Queen Aubrey has moved his solo to the end of the performance, he mentions that the music for the drumming is in the beginning. Aubrey probably recognizes that he’s not much of a drummer, so I think there is some calculated evility in telling him to just drum it free style. Aresenio decides he won’t do the drum thing, but it isn’t because he’s pounting, as Aubrey says, it’s because he was hoping the music would cover for him. Here she is again, bullying Arsenio into a performance where he has no net. Poor dude. You are no match for her.
Forte has arrived at their rehearsal studio and their peppy dancers seem to already have a routine and invite them to start dancing right away. Dayana happily obliges.
Oh my. Dayana is a triple non-threat.
They are trying to stage the performance and Dayana is once again nitpicking. She asks Clay if maybe he should try standing in a different place because she’s wondering if he’s too far in the corner. He musters all the patience he has and says he’ll stand there if that is what she wants. But she was trying to ask if maybe it would be better, she wasn’t trying to tell him to do it. Still, Clay finally loses it and tells Dayana he’s a grown ass man who knows far more about this stuff than she does. This morphs into a shouting match with him complaining that all she’s done on the task is the promotionals and she should either tell him what to do or shut up and let him do something he gets paid big money to do. I think Clay shouldn’t have blown his fuse because Dayana was simply asking, but her micromanaging has killed the atmosphere and created too much tension for them to do well. Dayana slinks away and says her new strategy will be to just hope the judges like the final product.
It’s show time and during the prep, it seemed like Lisa was in charge of directing the costumes and make-up while Dayana sat on a bench and watched.
Omar called. He wants the tent back by 3.
The jingle is actually a really good song. It’s pretty good musically and Clay nails it.
But I’m not a big fan of the condescending smirk on his face.
Also, I don’t think the radio idea was very good and the choreography was kind of lame. Seems to me if all they were doing was rocking back and forth, Dayana could have mouthed the words and pretended to be one of the back up singers. I think not having her in the performance will hurt their chances of winning. But then again, maybe that is the idea.
The performance ends on a high note with a huge round of applause. Sadly, Dayana demonstrates her inability to recognize when to stop on a high note, as she walks out in dowdy clothes, with no mic and tries to speak to the audience. She does realize once she’s on stage that she’s killed the moment, so she just keeps saying thank you. But no one can hear her.
This high five will never bring back the elation you killed, honey.
*sigh* I’m disappointed with this move on Dayana’s part, because it is pure ego. She should have stayed in the wings and let the success of the moment ride itself out. Oh well, who doesn’t know by now that it is time for one of my faves to be sent packing?
Dorkus Amongus pulled the short straw and has to attend the performances with cartoon Good Sam exec. The exec tells him that he loved the energy of the Forte performance. He felt they played it safe with the demographic and he hates that Dayana came on stage in an old lady sweater that wasn’t even the company colors. But he says overall they did a great job.
Team Unanimous is up next:
Teresa and Arsenio start out acting as if they are stranded on a road at night and they are scared as they are walking. Teresa is using her hideous Fabulina voice, but they are getting laughs from the audience. Aubrey comes on to say their performance was horrible and it’s really difficult to have to work with people who aren’t as talented as her.
It’s enough to push a girl to thoughts of suicide.
Teresa pushes an ap and out appears Good Sam and the cheerleaders. The bit starts off with a boring drum beat that they didn’t bother to fill. It’s obvious that’s where Arsenio’s solo was supposed to be and without it, this is an awkward start to the performance.
The whole cheer leading thing doesn’t make sense to me.
Arsenio is a little off on his rap and frankly I think Aubrey’s song is boring and akin to Debbie Gibson’s annoying Crystal Light remix. She has decent pipes – but she sounds like every other young female pop star out there right now. A litle nasal, actually. Frankly, even off beat, Arsenio’s rap is the best thing about the song, besides the part the male background singer sings.
The song ends and there are applause, but the bit doesn’t end there. Arsenio asks Good Sam to take him and Teresa home and then he breaks into a pretty lame drum solo while Aubrey leads a cheer that tries to get the audience to shout “Good Sam!” Then they all sort of march off stage in a state of awkwardness that is a little embarrassing. That Aubrey – she always claims she’s the creative, but I’m not sure I’ve ever heard her say she can execute the stupid shit she thinks up.
Cartoon exec says he really liked it. He gushes about their energy and their great brand messaging and that he can’t get the jingle out of his head. He also liked the use of the mascot. On the flip side, he hated Aubrey’s boobs popping out of the cheer leading uniform.
But these are my gift to mankind.
IN THE BOARDROOM:
A brief warning: I refuse to devout any time to this egotistical nonsense that Trump drags out so that he gets an hour of airtime. There is lots of arguing between Lisa and Dayana, as Lisa is throwing Dayana under the bus just as she promised. Dayana seems to be trying to bait Lisa to get her to flip her lid and maybe be fired for inappropriate conduct. But Sparky likes it when sparks fly so that will never happen.
Arsenio is declared the victor, which leaves us to watch more arguing between Lisa and Dayana. The end result is inevitable. We all know that Dayana’s time has come and sure enough, she gets fired.
So long, pretty lady.
I’m going to need some of that young blood.
But wait – she’s only like 100 pounds.
How are we going to divide that up evenly?
You two go ahead. I’m still full from Penn.
And Melania wouldn’t like it.
Mmmmm…. Mendoza meat.
Are my fangs showing?
To get the funniest quotes from TVgasm recaps as they’re posted, follow us on Twitter. You can post your favorite lines right back at us. If you want to play games and socialize, like our Facebook page! We’re also now on Pinterest and Tumblr! Thanks for being a part of the gasm!