Celebrity Apprentice Recap – Knights For White Satan

Welcome to episode 2 of Celebrity Apprentice. This week we found out how excruciatingly slow two hours can become.

Having only just seen this version of Apprentice for the second time, I realize what the formula for the show is now; one hour of a proper show – just enough to entertain us all and then Donald Trump gets his own additional hour of face time, since he’s too lazy to show up during the challenges and he thinks he’s important enough to be watched for a freaking hour.

Make sure you get my pouty look.

So they’ll be some fast forwarding during the boardroom, which I’m sure Sparky will tell you is the most important part of the show, but F*&# him and his giant ego that robbed me of an extra hour on my Sunday night.

I’ll know I’ve made it when they put me on a coin.

By the way, I’d like to ask; why is it that all our millionaire mega-media gluttons are ugly white guys? If they gotta be of the unbaked flesh variety, why can’t they look like Sean Connery or Captain Picard? Or better yet, give me a Morgan Freeman, an Antonio Banderas or a Chow Yun Fat – those are men I can endure a few hours of face time with. I appreciate that the Donster does try to enhance his boring flaccid skin with not so subtle orange tanning agents, but it will never be the same as this.

You’re fired!

All right, time to get to this week’s episode. Things pick up after Cheryl got the heave-ho and Patricia and Victoria are returning to the waiting room to meet up with the rest of the players. Victoria is pissed and immediately tells the women she knows who they all are and “it is on.”

I’m already dressed for your funerals, bitches!

It is evident, despite Lisa claiming on Ep 1 that she had no plans to rub Victoria the wrong way that the two of them are heading for a personality clash. Also, Tia tries to talk to Victoria and explain that Sparky forces them to name names and she hopes Victoria understands, but our mob princess is having none of it.

As Tia tries to make good with Victoria,
Clay has other things on his mind.

Suddenly we cut away to an unknown woman and kid standing in a park. WTF? In walks Paul Teutel and sappy music starts to play. The kid has that fine fuzz of hair growing back after a bout with chemo and I realize we’re going to get a tear jerker scene in which Paul passes over the money he earned for the Make A Wish Foundation. But what’s this? Paul is about to give the kid a check…

But the kid already has a check in his hand.

Is this some kind of laundry scheme? Maybe Paul called Make A Wish and made a deal that they give him back his 300K once he brings in the big win. Regardless of the conspiracy, one thing is for sure;

 

Even sick kids get pimped out on this show.

We’re back with our contestants and they are waiting at Medieval Times for Sparky to come give them their next assignment. Since Aubrey is as confused about who she is as I am, today she decides to pay homage to both her opponent Debbie Gibson, as well as Debbie’s nemesis, Tiffany.

I think we’re alone (in our fashion) now.

Sparky is accompanied by Dorkus Amongus and who should walk in next but James Lipton of Inside The Actors Studio. Sparky laments that he’s wanted to be on James’ show for years. Ummm…. you kind of need to be an expert in the craft of acting to get on that show, idiot. I can’t figure out why James is here. What could possibly entice him to stoop so low as to be on The Celebrity Apprentice?

Sellout.

Also, I’m very surprised at how frumpy Mr. Lipton looks. If ever there was a Wind In The Willows Live Action movie (send royalties for the idea to Luscious c/o TVgasm, thank you very much), James Lipton would make the perfect Mr. Toad.

Mr. Lipton informs us that he is qualified to oversee this task (of producing a medieval show) because he is a bonafide knight of the realm of France.

 

You just became doable, Sir Lipton.

Trump implies Dayana should ride naked in the show, like Lady Godiva. Just propose to her already and get over your pathetic attempts at courtship.

Cerdo.

The men decide to assign Penn the job of project manager for this challenge, while the women pick Lisa. I think the men’s choice is a good one, but Lisa tells us she can handle a show with “a horse, a sword and 7 other broads” because she does her own show every night herself. Ummm…. big difference between a one woman show and a cast ensemble. The dressing room alone is a nightmare on a big show, never mind the coordinating. Lisa has no idea what she just signed up for.

Sparky tells us that Adam won’t be competing this week because he promised to host a wedding at his home in Los Angeles.

Maybe you have to rent it out from time to time
with nothing but a podcast to bring in the money.

By the way, I noticed at the beginning of the show they refer to Adam Carolla as an internet trailblazer. What exactly does that mean? It appears he may hold the Guinness World Record for the number of downloaded podcasts or some such shit. I’m not sure because I couldn’t get through the droll interview between him and Jimmey Kimmel – it was just too boring. But there appears to be some sort of achievement there.

Internet Trailblazer – yup, that’s me!

The women have for some reason convened in two parked vans and are holding a meeting over speaker phone. Lisa proves to lead by dictatorship right away when she squashes any suggestions by other people and insists no one may interrupt her.

Lisa wants to do a spoof of contemporary shows by doing a kind of Real Housewives of Camelot show. No one can get a word in edgewise. The Lisaless car is getting frustrated.

Dayana is concerned that they have to have a premise that will appeal to people of all ages, since kids will be at this show too.

 

It seems to me it would be a good idea
to listen to the leader of the Universe.

But the women in Lisa’s car are absolutely in love with their new idea spoofing The Real Housewives of New Jersey.

Finally Debbie manages to squeeze in a word between Lisa’s breaths and suggests that the king the women are vying for should be Donald Trump. More excitement abounds.

No Tia, it’s not going to be that kind of show.

 

The men are meeting with the Medieval Times peops and Arsenio comes on to tell us about what the show is all about and how great it is. He tells us he’s been to see this show more times than he’s been to L.A. strip clubs. He seems eager to push an image of himself as girl crazy and he’s still trying to be the cutesy interrupter I remember from my childhood.

 

This isn’t so funny, now that I’m not twelve.

Now the Medieval Times dude is meeting with the women and Dayana tries to point out once again, that maybe they should choose a theme that will interest children too.

 

They come with their kids, right?

This goes completely over TyrantLisa’s head and she interprets it to mean she will be able to prove to the world that she can produce a show that doesn’t have a dirty word in it.

Aubrey seems to be stepping in and managing quite a bit herself. She’s sort of directing and adding in creative ideas, such as ending with a Snooky appearance.

 

Hold on, I’m channeling my Diddy.

When Patricia suggests that she be the whore and Tia be the queen, Lisa interjects that she sees Tia as being more of the whore. Ouch!

All the women are being assigned roles and it becomes apparent that Victoria hasn’t gotten one. Lisa says Victoria will have the toughest job as stage manager, running lights and sound. I’ve got a theater degree, so I have to agree with Lisa on this one that it is an extremely important job. But it is also always overlooked and under appreciated, so it is no surprise that Victoria feels like she’s being stuffed in a closet and ignored.

 

It’s too bad she’s unhappy – she already looks the part.

 

The men are going a different route. Penn’s idea is to exploit the celebrity identity and status of each of the team members and come up with a high action and funny concept that keeps the interest of the younger audience.

The women are now in the costume shop and for Lisa it seems like all hell is breaking loose. Everyone is talking and no one is answering her royal dictatoress. Guess it isn’t just like running your own show, huh?

 

When I’m doing my own show, I never interrupt me!

She’s screaming at her teammates for talking, instead of hanging on her every word. Whoa, psycho ruler. I hope you aren’t a mom! Her bad attitude kills the pleasure of the whole experience for the girls.

The men are creating their script and Penn is trying to tie in Clay Aiken and comes up with the line, “it was just last year he won Essex Idol.” For some reason, Arsenio feels it is his duty to once again remind us all

 

“But he did not win. He lost to
Reuben Sandwich of Studdard.”

Look Arsenio, I know it’s Black History Month, but give the man a break. He knows very well that he came in second.

 

You want me to snap his neck?

The girls are practicing their routines and working on the script when Dorkus Amongus shows up. He asks where Victoria and Dayana are and turns out the dictatress has sent them shopping to get them out of her hair. Dorkus Amongus rightly predicts that there will be showdown between Lisa and Victoria.

 

Hey, from the front he’s kind of hot.
He should switch seats with dad.

While the women are practicing their swordplay, Victoria tells them all she doesn’t know how to direct and is afraid to mess it up. Lisa tells her to learn how to sword fight, just to shut her up and then is pissed off that Victoria is wearing a messenger bag while she fights. She thinks it is a sign that Victoria is not a willing participant.

 

I think it’s holding the ’45 Victoria plans
to use to finish her off.

Next Lisa tries to make Victoria useful by having her look up old English phrasing while Lisa works on the script. Only, Victoria (a smart and published author) is spelling the word medieval wrong.

 

At this point, Lisa’s frustrations are definitely valid, as Victoria has a ready resource to see how the word is actually spelled.

 

At first, I could understand why Victoria was disappointed with her assignment, but I figured she would soon see and embrace how important her role was. But now, I’m over her; she seems to be moping all day and intentionally dragging her feet.

 

This bitch is wasting my time!

 

The next morning, Victoria tells us she got no sleep the night before because she’s so upset that she wasn’t assigned a role, a part or a task. Apparently she called Lisa and told Lisa she wanted to ask Trump to let her play on the men’s team. Dear God in heaven, get over yourself! I cannot believe what a whiney self-centered brat Victoria has turned out to be. It’s quite disappointing, really.

But I wanted to be a sword weilding princess, too!

 

Back at the men’s camp, they are getting ready and assembling their props and costumes. George decides that he needs to remain in his costume “to get used to the train.”

 

Even USS Enterprise helmsmen dream of their wedding day.

George thinks everyone should be in their costumes to prepare for the dress rehearsal and practice in their clothes. He emphasizes this is most important for Dee who will be in drag and riding side-saddle on a horse.

The girls are running through their dress rehearsal and Lisa is fairly confident in Victoria’s skills until she finds out that Victoria is working with the wrong script.

 

Off with her head!

There is some chaos in trying to figure out how to best manage the few remaining minutes they have left with for the technical rehearsal now that Victoria’s is useless and Dayana tries to offer a suggestion.

 

Please listen to me!

But Aubrey and Lisa shush her up. Lisa has the audacity to actually mutter to Aubrey that all Dayana is good for is to sit on a horse and look good. Dayana isn’t stupid, she knows what they are thinking, so she decides that is exactly what she will do.

They are right – I can do pretty far better than them.

In the Unanimous realm, Lou has donned his costume and inhabited another evil green character.

Death to all 2nd place troubadours!

The men are doing their dress rehearsal and George is having trouble staying on script. This frustrates Clay and everyone else, because his lines are tied heavily into lighting and sound cues.

They forge on and Dee comes out dressed in drag. As George tells us, Dee does actually make quite the fair maiden

as long as his veil stays in place.

As the princess’ troubadour frolick’s out with his tambourine, Dee’s horse rears in fright. Dee easily hops off, but somehow gets his finger caught and it breaks. Everything stops as Dee announces he broke his finger.

 

Clay checks to see if he’s OK.

Clay misunderstands and joyfully skips along, singing “She broke a nail, oh, that sucks.” Dee tells him he actually broke his finger. Clay keeps bouncing and adds, “she broke a finger, damn, that’s worse.” It was hilarious and suddenly Clay is worming his way into my heart, even though earlier in the episode he looked like this:

Clay’s transition from pop star to homeless
would only take two days.

Anyway, there is no doubt Dee has just broke his finger.

He’s in a lot of pain.

The medic thinks Dee should go to the hospital.

But I’m the fair maiden! What shall
we do if I goeth to the hospital?

Being the true rock star that he is, Dee decides to tough it out and get medical attention after the show. Lou tells Dee that he looks better as a woman than a man. This leads to Penn (Penn of all people!) to say that he would at least tie a few of the women if he were on their team.

Be that as it may, how dare the men
discuss the women’s attractiveness?
Only women are allowed to be
so catty with each other.

SHOW TIME!

Penn appears and introduces Arsenio who tries to appeal to his former fans with his signature arm pump.

 

Wooh! Wooh! Wooh!

Sadly it’s been too long and no one remembers.

George serves as the Shakespearean emcee.

 

In rides a very believable Lou as a knight,

followed by Paul on a steed of his own.

 

There’s no doubt this is appealing to the younger sect.

Clay belts out some awesome notes as Dee daintily waves to the crowd.

 

Will Penn juggle flame in every challenge?

Lou and Paul have a sword fight.

Brave and noble Paul throws sand
in Lou’s face, after losing his sword.

But Lou of Hulk prevails and wins the fair maiden’s broken hand.

Will it be true love forever?

Turns out Lou really is a good actor!

The crowd goes wild – they absolutely love it.

The judges don’t seem nearly as enthusiastic.

It’s the girls turn. As they get ready back stage we spot a glimpse of Aubrey as Snooki.

I think this could be her future reality.

So the women’s show starts out with Dayana riding “nude” into the arena.

Well if being the most beautiful girl in the arena
was her job, I’d say she nailed it.

But there’s a problem. Lisa is waiting for a sound cue from the booth; Victoria seems clueless as well as cueless. Finally, Lisa gives up on her cue and after an awkward silence while Diana rides around on her horse (supposedly naked), Lisa finally begins to speak.

 

I am your fugly king, Donald Trump!

She starts talking about how this is The Unreal Housewives of Camelot and the fierce women will be competing for her love. Which begs the questions (A) why was Dayana just riding around as Lady Godiva for no reason and (B) how can this be the real housewives if they are clearly all single and competing for Trump’s heart? This was not a well thought out premise.

King Trump asks Debbie what she has to offer, and naturally she shows off her self imagined golden pipes.

The good news is Debbie still has a great body.

The bad news is that the little bit I heard of Aubrey’s voice last episode suggests she’s the stronger warbler. Surprisingly, she assigns herself a songless role in this project.

 

Patricia looks phenomenal as the evil queen
(however that works into the plot.)

The girls are looking great in their sword play and pretty hot. But then we get this:

 

No one wants to see Debbie Gibson vajayjay.

Or maybe I’m wrong.

But a little Tia boobage is always a good thing.

Then, Teresa flips a table, which was really the whole point of this show.

I love that the girls were all cowering
under the table, though.

As the girls are chased off by Teresa, out rides Aubrey as Snooki on a horse.

 

I have to say, her performance was cute and funny. She could totally have taken this over the top, and if it were Debbie, she would have found a way to work singing into the gag, so kudos to Aubrey for staying true to the artistic vision.

The show is over and the audience will decide who wins this challenge. The winner will get $40K to give to their charity. The show has been on for 46 minutes and it seems like the show should be almost over. Truthfully, all you would need is another 15 minutes to get through the boardroom and declare a winner. I can’t believe there is more than an hour of this show left to go. What the hell could fill all this time?

 

You really have to ask, Luscious?

But I can’t bear to go through it again. Trump drags the boardroom meeting on and on. He asks players about their opinion of the project managers. He asks his judges of their opinions. He asks the project managers to name two people they would bring back if they lost. This always causes friction for the people the PM’s are forced to pick. Drama ensues, especially by Lou who takes it extremely personally that Penn named him as one of his people to bring back should he have to. Trump asks the project managers if they think they won. He asks Dayana if she got naked. He tells Aubrey she looks pretty and asks if it is okay to say that. He even suggests that “most” of the women on Forte could go naked. You know, the typical stupid Trump stuff. It seriously took an hour.

Turns out the men win the challenge again and get to go to the waiting room to watch the women fight it out. Lisa brings back Victoria and Dayana to be considered for elimination. She choses Dayana because she feels Dayana didn’t contribute, which is laughable if you look back at this episode.

Victoria continues to mope and whine about being under utilised and blah blah blah.

Donald recognizes that Dayana shouldn’t be there and asks her who she thinks is the stronger teammate. She hates to answer.

 

Holy man hands, hot girl!

Lisa fights passionately for her position, causing Sir James Lipton to admire her spirit, which pretty much gives her the edge of Victoria.

 

Looks like Lisa is gonna survive.

Trump hates that Victoria threatened to quit, even though he knows she never would have. But everything seems to be aligning against her and before you know it (after two hours), Victoria Gotti gets the axe.

 

Even after being fired, she refuses to admit she slacked off because she wanted to be in the show.

So there you have it, Gasmii. What do you think of this week’s episode? I’m feeling a little better about my predictions – I expected Victoria to be out on week 3, so I’m close. But who will be next? I think it will be the men’s turn next week and I’m still going with my first male pick of Paul to go first.

See you next week!

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