Oh shit, Gasmii. Can you believe what happened this week on Celebrity Apprentice? Besides the unexpected three hour tour on this shipwreck, all the wrong people got sent home. And Sparks decided since one hour of his boardroom isn’t enough, we get to sit through two boardrooms. At first I thought it was an April Fool’s joke, but I was sadly mistaken. Each week they slowly increase the torture on this show. I’d call Uncle, but I’m not sure what it is I’m supposed to be uncling about. Maybe they are just a sado masochistic lot that produces the show.
Plus, now I’m going to have to modify my entire prediction of who takes home the title of Sparky’s Best Bitch, since my pick went home this week. Damn that Trump hound!
So let’s get started. It’s gonna be a long one, which I shall break up into two parts.
The episode picks up with the women returning to the boardroom after Patricia got the ax. Aubrey is being coddled and caressed by everyone for her crocodile tears, while Dayana finally breaks down at the thought that her beloved sister and mentor has been sent packing.
This is how a beauty queen cries.
Aubrey, take note.
Debbie tells us that her team is emotionally charged and dysfunctional. Since the men are ready to get out there and work, unless the women can get it together, they will continue to lose.
Clay goes to visit the National Inclusion Project, which allows disabled children to participate in things like summer camp and helps them feel like they fit in. Finally a feel good and happy delivery of the winnings on this show!
Supporting his alma mater is very admirable.
Clay says this has only fueled his fire to be the one to win the whole thing an bring back another $250,000 to his charity.
The next day the teams all meet up at Trump Tower.
Debbie’s getting her Bob Fosse on.
Are there lip plumping strips you can wear overnight, like those teeth whiteners?
Sparks tells the teams they will be making Celebrity Guide Books. Whoever sells the most wins. What the hell is a celebrity guide book? No idea, although the undead daughter did try to explain it to us but her mouth wasn’t working quite right. DJ must have won the Patricia feast after the last boardroom.
She’s losing her elasticity. Someone get her an O+ pint STAT!
Trump asks who the women will have as team manager and Teresa immediately pipes up it will be her. Aubrey thinks having Teresa as project manager will spell disaster. Teresa tells us it is up to her to turn this team around. Can she do it?
Considering she must have mugged the
Evil Queen from Once Upon A Time for this outfit,
I’d say she is at least brave enough!
By the way, I’d like to lodge a general complaint to all the skinny women of the world. Stop wearing those hour glass dresses meant to create the illusion of a better figure!
If you bitches wear them, we won’t be fooling anyone.
Leave the illusion to those who need it!
Dee volunteers to be the project manager for Unanimous. So apparently the winning manager will get all the money earned by both teams plus a bonus from Toshiba (they are somehow involved). Also there will be a mystery celebrity judge. I hope it’s P-Diddy!
Hey Aubrey, look who I brought to see you.
That’s not funny, you carrot stained zombie.
In the Forte war room, Teresa informs her team that the most important thing is that they bring in a lot of money. I can see they are planning on the donation, rather than the sales angle once again. So what’s the point of coming up with anything at all? Each week they should just sit in front of phones for two hours. The girls are all irritated that Teresa’s leadership does not seem to extend past stating the obvious.
Dayana chimes in right away with an idea, which could be a good one, although I still don’t really understand what they are making. It doesn’t seem to be accepted by the team and Debbie suggests they all go out and get photos, then reconvene for the writing and soliciting. It sounds like the girls are going to start their project with no direction.
At Unanimous, Dee just outright says he doesn’t care about the book. They will be concentrating on fund raising alone. I would like to see what would happen if they came to the judging table with no book but a ton of money.
Penn comes up with the idea the men will go with, although Clay doesn’t like it. It sounds like a celebrity will stand on a roof overlooking a part of town and then write up about that area. Clay’s concern is that every shot will be the same. Dee takes one second to deliberate, realizes Clay is right but remembers they are going to spend very little time on this book and green lights the concept. I still have no idea what they are doing but I’m gonna agree with Clay on this one, whatever it is.
The women are now off to take photographs. I’d make a snarky comment about them always relying on pictures, but it appears they are an integral part of this project, so never mind. The teams have split up with Lisa and Debbie in one car and Dayana, Teresa and Aubrey in the other.
Debbie practices her super modeling
Aubrey says that she feels like she is in prison with how slow Teresa and Dayana are working. She refers to them as two blonde physicists. Nice. She’s irritated at how many backlit shots Dayana wants her to take.
The men have headed to the top of Trump tower and nearly cream their pants at the view.
This is how Lou blows his wad.
I’m feeling pretty nervous for Penn.
He’s perched precariously.
And sure enough, Lou is photographing him. Lou comes on to tell us it was the perfect opportunity to get rid of someone he doesn’t like, since Penn wanted to bring him back to the boardroom. He imagines pushing Penn over the edge.
Murder is fun!
At Forte, Lisa and Debbie are going over their pictures with the graphic designer but the other three aren’t back yet. Debbie calls them and tells them they have to get back now. Teresa the fearless leader sits mum in the car with big eyes. Lisa predicts there is no way they know how much she hates them.
Since Paul isn’t a writer, Penn channels him and comes up with a piece that everyone loves. It’s about how much Paul hates everything.
Arsenio is reading over Clay’s write up and tells Clay the whole thing is good. Clay tells Arsenio the last line was a joke as he crosses it out. Arsenio informs Clay that when you’re not funny, jokes don’t appear to be jokes to people who actually do them.
Clay opens up a can of whoop ass.
The women return to the war room and Debbie and Lisa give them the silent treatment. According to Lisa, it is too late for whatever the girls have. Debbie asks Teresa if they are doing signage and the answer is they do signage every time. But girlfriend hasn’t assigned anyone to the task. It seems like they have no concept, no direction and no leader.
Teresa tells us that they always do signage and she feels like Debbie is setting her up to fail. What? She didn’t assign anyone to do signage; it’s a good thing Debbie even thought to do it. I think Teresa has a case of the delusionals.
Or maybe it’s just green measles.
The men are making calls like crazy. Penn is pulling in the Blue Man Group, Dee is on the phone with someone named Dave – for some reason, I’m thinking David Lee Roth. Everyone is making calls, even Arsenio. He tells us that a lot of his friends are avoiding him. Then he gives us a hard life lesson.
“When you don’t actually have a talk show, a lot of people
who you think are your friends are not your friends.”
Arsenio gets the brilliant idea to call Jay Leno from the Trump phone so Jay will take the call.
Jay offers to send a blank check.
Lisa is scolding Dayana and Teresa about taking too many pictures and wasting time. Lisa is grumpy and says it always falls to her to save everyone’s ass. Teresa looks completely lost.
Dayana makes the mistake of asking Lisa if there are subway directions in the book. Bad idea, pretty girl. Lisa goes off.
Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!
From the looks of things, it does seem like everyone is standing around and relying on Lisa to do everything. Dayana tries to defend herself by saying she was just trying to find out where she could help out, but look at Teresa. She’s had that same look on her face all day. Did girlfriend really think she could lead?
Lisa goes off in testimonial and actually starts crying. Its clear she is massively stressed out and definitely carried the weight of this task on her shoulders. But I think she completely misunderstood Dayana and what Dayana was suggesting and she’s so stressed she flew off the handle.
Seriously FCC? Deaf people aren’t allowed to see a swear?
It’s the next day and the men are out hocking their guide books. Dee is telling people to pay whatever they want but to rememebr it’s for charity. Naturally, Lou is informing people that the guide book is five dollars. Clay and Paul have to intervene to stop Lou from undermining their fundraising.
And true to Dee’s word, it looks like the book is a piece of crap.
The women are also hocking their book and it looks to me like Debbie and whoever have managed to come up with a concept and a look that is very akin to NYC taxis. I think it is cute and clever. I’m pretty sure Teresa did not have a finger in that creative pie.
Sadly, it looks like nobody wants pie today.
The women are trying very hard to sell their books and are now doing the one thing that never works with New Yorkers, a direct sales approach.
Look, I’m no Debbie Gibson, but I’ll sing for you if you buy this book.
We New Yorkers are a suspicious lot. Especially when
a pretty girl tells us she needs our help.
Back at the men’s team, guess who shows up… Michael Andretti! How’s that for an awesome dude? Even though he was fired before he ever had a chance to earn any money for his own charity, he is here today to donate twenty thousand dollars. When he asks Clay how many books he can get for that, the miserly Clay tells him “just one.” LOL – I’m loving Clay more and more.
He’s quiet and unassuming but saves the day.
Michael Andretti is a super hero!
All the men are raking in money. Dee has a guy giving fifteen thousand, Lou has a dude giving twenty. And then there’s Arsenio.
Jay Leno’s check is lost in the mail?
According to Arsenio, it arrived at his office in NYC at 7 am but his office doesn’t open until ten, so it went back into the Fedex system and is now lost. Dude! If your ass is getting a blank check from Jay Leno, you hire someone to sit in that office from midnight until it arrives. I’m sure Jay doesn’t appreciate having a blank check roaming around NYC. Not Arsenio’s brightest moment.
Things have picked up for team Forte and they are starting to get some donations. But their measly eight and five thousand dollar donations don’t seem like they are going to compare to what the men are pulling in. Dayana manages to eek out a fifteen hundred dollar donation from a couple just passing by, which I think is pretty impressive. She does a little victory dance but all her teammates ignore her success. Bitches.
Apparently Teresa’s donations aren’t yet coming in and now she’s getting as nervous as Arsenio.
Holy crapamoly what the hell is that? Walking down the street is a giant black human balloon with a blue face. It’s the Blue Man Group coming to help out Penn.
Seriously, pink tie? You’re so important you
can’t be seen walking on front of a balloon?
Teller shows up at the same time and makes
a twenty thousand dollar donation.
The Blue Man Group are putting on quite the spectacle and blow up huge balloons full of money which burst open, scattering cash everywhere. There is a mad scramble as people from the streets dash in to collect the bills. Dee is shouting “that money is for charity!”, but these are New Yorkers.
They are their own favorite charity.
Clay is upset at the mob mentality that happened. He says people were grabbing cash out of his hand and Arsenio saw a women stuffing money down her pants. Clay wonders if they even got half of what Blue Man Group gave them. It did look like it could have turned into a pretty ugly mob scene. I’m sad to hear that people didn’t scramble to gather the money to keep it safe and return it to Unanimous.
But a few help restore my faith in humanity.
Clay’s feathers are really ruffled. Dee tries to console him but Clay is too upset to talk about it. At least Clay is focusing his ire in the right place and is angry with Penn for inviting a circus idea that negatively affected other people. It would appear there will still be no love between these two brilliant minds.
Things still look a lot slower at Team Forte but Aubrey brings up a woman who is donating two thousand dollars. Then Aubrey comes on to tell us that although she’s not bringing in the highest donations, she is bringing in the most donations.
Every person I meet, I touch them with the venomous poison
in my nails and then they suddenly realize how awesome
I am and they want to give me money.
Dayana announces she has yet another donation, this time for seventeen thousand five hundred dollars. She got Marco Andretti to donate seven thousand dollars. Isn’t that the guy who was supposed to be on the show? Does he know this wouldn’t have been his team? Maybe he’s just bummed he didn’t get a chance to hang out with our Miss Universe. Dayana also got a bunch of her friends together to complete the rest of the donation.
They better not be calling her name in the boardroom this week!
Finally Teresa’s husband arrives and has a bunch of checks that total about twenty thousand dollars from all their friends. She feels that she is now safe if they don’t win the assignment. Her delusional illness is in high gear.
Clay Aiken for President!
I’m loving Clay Aiken more and more. As he signs his autograph on their book, he tells a customer he knows using a pink marker is redundant. Hah!
It’s down to the last minutes of the task and Arsenio’s check from Jay still hasn’t arrived. Word is it is with one of his assistants stuck in traffic. He’s panicking. In the background, people are vying to buy the men’s books before the final bell tolls.
Just after the cut off, Arsenio’s check from Jay arrives. Red coat girl who delivers it complains about the 7 am delivery. Seriously? I thought New Yorkers were early risers and got things done. They were when I lived there. Of course I lived on a farm and had no choice, but still. This ain’t Hollywood, people.
Arsenio is right to be worried.
Trump is meeting with the celebrity judge. It turns out to be Regis Philbin. I want to pay attention to what they are saying but it looks like someone forgot to finish capping Sparky’s head today.
Is that a bald spot or an optical illusion?
Regis is having a hard time deciding which book is the winner.
Forget the book. Look at Trump’s wall of self love in the background.
Regis loves the women’s cover but wishes it were in color. He adores how the men covered large areas in their guide. But then again the personal touch of specific places in the women’s book is very appealing. They go on and on but I keep getting distracted by the room they are sitting in. There are baseball bats, shovels, football helmets, and a clutter of chotchkies.
Where the hell are we? On a Hoarders episode?
Board room Time Part 1:
Trump starts out by asking Teresa if she thinks her team won. She says she has no idea but she hopes so.
Liza Minnelli called. She wants her eyebrows back.
Trump asks Dayana if things went better this week and she says she always has a difficult time. She jokes that her name should be on one of the chairs and she should own it. This gets a lot of laughs but Bitchanelli doesn’t see the humor in it.
Lisa thinks she has a patent on Forte joking.
Get that hideous thing on your chin checked, bitch.
Aubrey tells Sparky that Dayana did bring in money but derailed the team in other ways such as having a fight with Lisa. Lisa then tells the geezer that Dayana told her to put in subway stops, which wasn’t the case at all. Dayana simply asked if it was being done because she thought everyone was doing that for their portion of the write up. But Lisa keeps talking over Dayana and not letting her defend herself.
Lisa continues to spew ugly and informs the board that she does all the work herself with some help from Aubrey. When Trump says that means she’s saying Teresa was not a good project manager, Lisa revises her statement to cover both Debbie and Teresa. She’s gunning for Dayana, regardless of who ruined this task. Bitch.
Debbie chimes in and suggests the weakness lies with the project manager. Teresa finally gets pissed off and tells us that she told Debbie to do the printing and didn’t think the girl needed to be baby sat. She raises her voice and hits the table. Despite the men’s hope that she’ll flip it, she settles back down into meek Teresa once again.
The women are so dysfunctional! Aubrey raises her hand and asks if she can go on the other team.
Debbie says Teresa doesn’t like anyone who speaks up against her and Teresa informs Debbie she’s not dressed professionally. Holy cow can this get any more petty?
Apparently the Elvira look is considered professional.
Sparky interrupts this cat fight to tell us that Regis picked the women’s book as the winner. This means that they get an additional thirty five thousand dollars to add on to their total. Sounds like they are going to wipe the floor with the boys, right? Let us not forget the days of Paul Teutel and his last minute gargantuan donation….
There’s discussion of the Blue Man Group and Clay is pissed and says it was a bad idea. He says they lost a lot of money, which both Dee and Penn claim was never their money. The eight thousand dollars that the Blue Man Group blew up was apparently part of their performance, although Sparky agrees with Clay on this one. Clay vehemently tells them all that it was a stupid idea.
Arsenio has to fess up that he raised no money and explains why.
Next, Sparky tells the teams that together they raised hundreds of thousands of dollars and the difference between the winning and losing team was only fourteen dollars. A first for Celebrity Apprentice. That will be a painful loss for someone.
But wait! If the women get the thirty five thousand added to their total and the difference between the two teams is fourteen dollars, doesn’t that mean the men must have raised more money?
So Dorkus Amongus tells us the women raised $127,855 plus the $35,000 Toshiba bonus for a grand total of $162,855. Not too shabby. Ivanka tells us the men raised $162,869. Which means the men won. It also means a bunch of bull. I bet Regis didn’t even pick the women’s book. It was all rigged for big drama – the women never came close to winning this task. Damn reality show manipulators.
So Dee wins, which means the March of Dimes will win $326,000. That’s more than the amount you can win for being named the Celebrity Apprentice. Hmmm…. I wonder what that could mean for Dee in the future… Together the teams have raised over one million dollars for charity so far. That’s pretty awesome.
The men are dismissed and I can’t imagine how awful this board room is going to be.
*sigh* Female blood again.
I know, I’m so sick of the taste of Botox.
The women are now alone and the conversation ranges from Lisa being the biggest fund raiser, followed by Teresa to Aubrey being the lowest fundraiser. But Aubrey’s number was still over twenty thousand dollars, so Trump moves on.
He asks Teresa what she meant by having to babysit people and she explains that Debbie should know what it means to do the printing. Debbie rightly defends herself by saying they had no concept, no visuals and the graphic designer was being monopolized by the book. She and Aubrey went out and created a look for their stand on their own. I can’t see how Teresa’s argument can stand up to that but then Trump asks Teresa who else she had to babysit. Hello? She didn’t babysit anyone! Teresa names Dayana, of course.
Trump asks Debbie who he should fire and she says Teresa, even though she knows she will pay for it. She makes a good point that Lisa raised more money for Teresa’s task than Teresa did. She thinks Teresa should be fired but when asked who the weakest player is, she names Dayana.
Why can’t my hottie catch a break?
Teresa names Dayana and Debbie as the two she will bring back with her to the boardroom. This seems like a clear and obvious ending to me. Dayana won’t go anywhere and Debbie doesn’t deserve to be there, so I’m confident that Teresa will be getting the ax after the commercial break.
The men predict that Teresa made a mistake by not picking Aubrey to come back. Their theory is that Trump will focus on fundraising and since Aubrey made the least amount she would have been sent packing. Wishful thinking…
Sparks asks about the fundraising and the order of bringing in the most money falls thusly; Teresa, then Dayana, then Debra.
Bitch, I told you you should have brought in Aubrey.
The women get into it when Trump asks about the printing and Debbie and Teresa are talking over each other so much that the board room execs start their own conversation as well. No one is listening to each other and it is completely ridiculous. Teresa starts slinging insults like asking Debbie how old she is and pointing out that her heyday was in the ’80′s and suggesting she doesn’t have a lot of contacts anymore and is maybe talented in singing, but that would be it. It’s not pretty.
Trump has had enough and as he tells them to stop talking, Debbie continues with her final rant. Oh Debbie, that can get a girl in trouble. Thankfully, Sparky lets it go and then the idea of fund raising comes up again.
Debbie tells them that if the issue was fund raising it should have been her and Aubrey brought back in to the board room and not Dayana. OMG shut up before you shoot yourself in the foot!
Sparks says ultimately this was a fundraising task and it all comes down to who raised the most money.
I think their expressions make it clear who is in trouble.
Sure enough, Trump fires Debra because she raised the least amount of money. Too add insult to injury, he tells Debra if Teresa had brought back Aubrey chances are Aubrey would have been the one fired. This is bullshit! I think the wrong person got fired here and for once I was on the side of Ego Gibson.
Goodbye Debbie Gibson! I’ll miss making fun of you.
Has this brought our egotistical has-been singer down? I’ll let her give you the answer.
“Does my ego like that I was fired? No.
But, Mr. Trump can’t fire me from being
Debbie Gibson, so nothing is lost.”
I don’t want that meat. Ivanka you eat it.
You’re such an idiot, DJ. You know I can’t eat old women.
Cool it, you two! She’ll make a good chew
toy for Barron to practice on.
Stay Tuned for the Second Half of this 3 hour slug fest….