This week on the Celeb Apprenti, nothing shocking happened. Lisa was a psycho, Aubrey reigned in her diabolicality (but not her genius), Dayana was sidelined, Penn said nothing and a bump on a log went home.
Our episode begins with Dayana revealing her loveliness, followed by Lisa emerging from the board room. There is an intake of breath from everyone as they realize Lou has gotten the ax. Lisa crows out, “We did it!” as if the elimination of Lou was some sort of accomplishment. Clay points out it’s a little crass to be glorifying in Lou’s demise and Lisa loses it. She literally goes from a 9 on the happy meter to a 7 on the bitch-out scale in a matter of seconds. She starts ranting to Clay about the “little tactics” he’s been pulling this whole time and suggests he not start with her. Um…. what tactics? All he did was point out the indecency of her behavior – has he done some other tactic that she could claim is underhanded? I think the hag might be losing her mind.
And right under Lisa’s ranting nose, Penn and Dayana
form a secret alliance to get her out.
Clay agrees with Lisa that she’s right, he doesn’t want to start with her and wisely shuts up. But she wasn’t ready for him to acquiesce, she wants a fight, so she continues to try to get the last word in. Clay wisely remains silent. Aubrey takes delight in what she sees as Lisa chewing Clay up, because she hates Clay. I don’t see it that way at all. To me, Clay called out Lisa and then knew better to engage her nutso factor.
But we’ll just let the little genius have her imagined delight.
Lisa tells the teams that Lou never said any of the stuff he complained about in the boardroom (not getting to act, all the cussing) and she begins to mimic him, calling him Sally Sensitive. She’s just digging her own hate hole here and it’s hard to watch her be so ugly. Clay comes on and wonders if her bad attitude is because of all the team losses or if her team losses are because of her bad attitude. Great question!
Aubrey hopes there will be a team shake up now that the teams are 5 and 3 and she’s really wishing that Trump would split up Arsenio and Clay. She thinks it’s only fair to break up those BFF’s since she and Lisa were split up.
We’re dudes. We don’t go to the bathroom together like
you chicks do. We’ll be fine if we’re on separate teams.
Teresa meets a family in the park to deliver her winnings for the NephCure Foundation. The sweet little boy who she gives the money too has to take a ton of pills and has a rare and incurable disease. This sucks.
Teresa tells him; “you’re brave for what you’re doing”….
does she mean for staying alive?
Despite her lack of verbal skills, the Gods are smiling on Teresa right now.
The next morning, Trump arrives at FAO Schwartz to meet with the teams. It looks like VampEric has been given permission to participate again.
Can you guess why Ivanka is Sparky’s favorite?
As Trump starts talking about how puppets are usually for kids, I start to perk up. I love adult puppet theatre (I recommend seeing Ave Q for those entertained by wrongness) and that is exactly what this task is going to be! Awesome!!! Even better; next to Sparky is Brian Henson, the love child of Jim Henson and Robin Williams.
Brian does a show called Stuffed and Unstrung, which is live improv puppetry for adults. How fun! The teams are going to have to create two puppets in the Jim Henson Creature shop and then perform using those puppets along with assistance from cast members in the troupe. This sounds like a fantastic challenge – I wish I could be in on it.
Trump informs the teams that they have to be 4 person teams and asks Forte who they would like on their team. Doesn’t really matter what they say, I guess they just had a few minutes to kill, because Sparky already knows who he is moving over and nothing will change his mind.
Clay Aiken – the newest member of Team Forte
VampEric tells us what the criteria of judging will be but I wasn’t listening.
I can’t get over the fact that there is no life in his eyes.
Lisa announces she will be the team leader for Team Forte. Unanimous huddles up and it sounds like no one wants to lead on the task. Aubrey decides it would be a good time to shed some biker weight and gives Paul puppy dog eyes until he agrees to take the helm. He tells them he’ll do it but he’ll need their help on the creative.
Nobody has stepped up to match Trump’s reward, so this week it will only be $20K going to the winning team. Lisa says she decided to be a project manager because she recognizes she’s one of the few people left who haven’t taken home any money for their charity. Guess who the only other player is that hasn’t managed to bring home the gold for their cause; Aubrey O’Day. What does that tell you about this “creative powerhouse duo”?
Team Forte is riding in a van and Lisa is looking for her second puppeteer (she’ll be one, naturally). Clay informs the van that he knows how to do puppets because he did them for years in church. How cute is that? Dayana pipes up that she’s been doing improv for a year and a half and Lisa’s first response is to one up her that she’s been doing it for twenty something years. Bitch, please. She wasn’t trying to say she had more experience than you, she was just pointing out she has experience and would like to be considered. It quickly becomes apparent that Lisa will be dissing all Dayana’s ideas once again.
In the Unanimous van, Teresa suggests they create one puppet that looks like Aubrey and one that looks like Arsenio. Paul chimes in to say that Aubrey does look like a puppet. Go Paul! Teresa elaborates on her idea by explaining that Aubrey’s puppet would be white while Arsenio’s puppet will be black. Thank goodness she made that clear.
Aubrey is concerned that there is no one on their team with comedic performance experience except “maybe Arsenio Hall.” Maybe?! Then she complains that here they are with this handicap and she’s not allowed to step in and take over because it will make her look like a *bleep* again.
Bitch, who died and made you the rescue queen?
However, as the team sits around and figures out who is going to do what role in the task, Arsenio comes on to tell us Aubrey is being the perfect team player. She’s allowing Paul to lead but contributing where needed and when asked. He wants to give her a trophy for most improved player. I have to agree – if Aubrey continues to modify her behavior to be deemed acceptable by her teammates, she is smart enough to win this whole thing.
Brian Henson and his associate arrive to explain the concept of improv to the Unanimous team. Teresa tells us that they learned the funniest bits are when you don’t even know what you’re talking about; it just comes out of your mouth.
I’m going to be a natural!
At Team Forte, Lisa has noticed that the puppets are fairly general looking. Brian says it is a good idea to keep them broader because they will have to take on radically different personalities.
For instance, Clay’s businessman/Nixon puppet
is now performing the roll of abducted child.
As Henson is leaving, they determine that Penn will have to play the host because he’s just too tall to handle the puppets. This leads to a natural discussion of who will be doing what and I’m very proud of Dayana for calling it out on the carpet that Lisa intends to give her no assignment.
Okay, vaca gorda, I’ll just sit here until you give me something to do.
Unanimous has arrived at the Creature Shop and are starting to pick out the design for their two assigned puppet shells (a blue kermit looking thing and a yellow fuzzy thing). Teresa points out it is important to love the puppet you create, because you’ll be actually playing the puppeteer with your puppet. She thinks it should be designed to reflect her true personality.
At Forte, Dayana seems to have a real talent for designing the puppets. She’s creating dresses and faces and tells Penn the hair on his puppet isn’t broad enough to cover multiple characters. She’s kicking ass. Lisa says having Dayana make the puppets was a good way to keep her occupied. I hate the way she talks to Dayana; “Dayana, I’m going to go work with Clay. So can you make her (the puppet) purdy and expressive and gorgeous?” It seems so condescending; she’s talking to Dayana like she’s a useless child. Seriously, what is Lisa’s true issue with Dayana? Can it really just be boiled down to jealousy at her beauty?
Forte is building their puppets and Aubrey doesn’t get it when Arsenio names his puppet Perry Winkle. Has she seriously never heard of the color before? But worse than that moment of ditz is the fact that Teresa can’t come up with a name for her puppet. Her first idea is Goldilocks – for a brunette. Then she starts trying to come up with unusual names that are fabulous and tosses around Rhianna, Beyonce, etc. Finally Arsenio just says he’s calling the girl Fabulina until a name is picked out and Teresa loves the name. Lots of eye rolling all around and Aubrey comes on to tell us that Lisa is picking the tackiest choices for dressing Fabulina. Teresa loves the name because it sounds like on of her cookbooks.
Aubrey recognizes that the puppets Arsenio and Teresa have created are too specific to cover a range of characters. She complains that Paul is have a lazy day and doesn’t seem interested in anything. In his defense, his back did go out, but he could still hold an opinion or at least be guiding the team to follow the recommendations of the judges. Still, Aubrey is holding back from saying anything because she knows she has to be careful about how much steamrolling she does. Man, one wise sentence from Ivanka and this girl is toeing the line. Maybe Ivanka should mediate between Israel and Palestine.
At Forte, Lisa and Clay are learning how to work the puppets. Clay is a natural (God bless church). I have a secret suspicion he’ll be great at improv too.
At Unanimous, Aubrey is doing her best to manage time without seeming too domineering. She’s right that the puppet building should have been assigned to one person while the performers learned about improve and puppeteering, but nothing is being done other than designing of puppets.
Paul is supervising the swivel chair test.
Finally they get to their war room, where the puppeteers have been waiting for them. It’s painful to watch. Arsenio catches on quickly, but Teresa is having a hard time syncing her hand to move with every syllable that she speaks.
“Wait. I’m sorry, what’s a syllable?”
Since she can’t quite grasp that the word seven requires her to move the puppet mouth twice, they decide to have her try some nursery rhymes. She can’t decide on which one to use. It sounds like maybe she doesn’t know them, which is odd, since she has four kids. And so we get (mind you with badly moving puppet mouth), “Jack fell down and broke his head and Jill ran after him.”
It’s so bad, even the guy doped out on pain meds is being tortured.
Condescending words start to come about such as, “bless her heart”, “she’s willing to try anything”, and “but she’s so cute”.
Teresa isn’t winning any intelligence grants today.
Aubrey is learning about hosting and she comes on to tell us that her role is very important, as it will be a third of how they are judged. She isn’t worried, though, because although she’s never done this before, she usually impresses herself.
I’m impressed no one told her she had food in her teeth before this interview!
Meanwhile, Dayana is impressing the puppet makers with her design. They tell her that she could come work with them anytime. Poor Penn is sewing horns on the other puppet and says he’s sewing and simultaneously considering suicide. He also gripes no one has given him a job offer yet. But in all seriousness, he says he doesn’t believe Lisa’s claims in the boardroom that Dayana is useless.
Bitchy fat hag whore (that’s right I called her a bitch AND a whore!) and Clay return to check on the puppets and Lisa’s voice has picked up this singsong nasaly fake nice tone. I hate that more than anything. I wish Dayana would just give her one good bear paw swipe. She could totally take Lisa – all she has to do is jog around the room once and wait for Lisa to wind herself before attacking.
VampEric arrives to check on things and I’m happy to see Dayana is not pretending everything is okay. She isn’t crying and pouting about Lisa, but she’s also making it very clear she is unhappy. VampEric picks up on her displeasure and wonders if she’s uncomfortable being on Lisa’s team. I’m starting to have visions of Trump firing Lisa for being such a bitch. *sigh* Wishful thinking.
Yeah, I made this but Lisa is still going to say I did nothing.
Clay says if he were project manager he would have been more open to finding a way to work Dayana into things. But since he’s only been with the group a week, he’s not sure he really understands the dynamic. He says he sees both sides of the coin. What both sides? Is he saying there is some truth to Dayana being useless? Grrrrr…..
Sure enough, Lisa has nothing for Dayana to do.
Arsenio and Teresa are learning about the art of improve. Number one rule: don’t deny. Whatever idea is thrown out there or suggested, you go with it. Remember this for later. Aubrey comes on and tells us she’s not a fan of Arsenio but she acknowledges that his character is cute and he’s doing a good job.
Looks like Arsenio channeled previous CA winner Brett Michaels for his puppet.
Teresa is terrible! When improving a cleaning supply infomercial, she adlibs that the tool in her hand is to roll Parmesan cheese onto chicken. Then when another puppet introduces her puppet as his friend Tanya, she says, “Hi Tanya!” Aubrey comes on to tell us that although Teresa is definitely trying her best, it won’t be enough to win this task.
It’s up to SuperAubrey to save the day.
I guess she better because as the puppeteers are asking Teresa to give an adjective about how she feels, and her response is, “Monsters!!!!!!” Yikes.
The next day, Team Unanimous is riding in a van over to the performance. They are trying to warm up Teresa by giving her objects that she is supposed to do free association with. Aubrey suggests pencil and Teresa hems and haws, while Arsenio spits out, “a device used to keep in gas.” This goes all kinds of wrong as Teresa takes it to be a literal definition and expresses wonderment that gas nozzles are so small. Aubrey tries to explain it is a metaphor. Paul pipes in, “I thought you were talking about somebody’s ass.”
Team Forte is in their teeny tiny dressing room and Lisa asks the boys about their locker room at Medieval Times. She then goes on to tell them a story about Debbie Gibson taking a four alarm dump in there. Why would she say that? I can guarantee that isn’t the kind of image Ms. Gibson want’s out there and it is rude and disrespectful to say. Plus, who exactly is this humor supposed to appeal to; the gay guy, the quiet guy or the model who is reluctantly starting to hate you?
Clay suggests that they have Dayana help don the puppets so that she can be on stage and appear to be included in the task. Dayana tells Clay she had already offered to carry out the box of props, but that Lisa had said no. Lisa suddenly starts in on Dayana, which is ridiculous because Dayana wasn’t even the one who started this discussion.
Dayana, you just want to *bleep* the whole thing up.
Good Lord, what have I done?
Lisa keeps ranting on about how Dayana is upset that she’s not on stage. But that isn’t Dayana’s issue. Yes she wanted to be a pupeteer, but her issue is that she hasn’t been given any direction at all. Lisa just keeps getting angrier and angrier about the whole thing. I swear to God her hate for Dayana has to go back further than Dayana. Maybe she had a pretty younger sister who always got everything or she was in love with a beautiful woman who never acknowledged her presence or something.
Whatever the reason, the hate in her eyes goes deeper than Dayana.
Clay mentions that they need to stay positive and upbeat, since they need to perform, but Lisa takes a breath to say she’s a professional and can handle it before turning on Dayana once more. She finally bursts out that Dayana is a pain in the ass and she says she had to pull a task out of her ass to give to Dayana to do. She tells Dayana they didn’t need her to do the puppets, but they had nothing else to give her to do.
Dayana handles the abuse much better than I could.
If Aubrey would like to see what bullying is, she should check back in with her BFF who is being so mean and shouting shut up to Dayana that Dayana finally walks out. I can’t believe with all the abuse she has suffered at the hands of Fatinelli that this is the first time she has broken into tears. She tells us that all she ever does is treat Lisa far better than Lisa treats anyone else. And she’s absolutely right.
“Lisa has no decency or respect.”
Back in their dressing room, Lisa is trying a new tactic. Now she all choked up and fighting back tears and berating the rest of her teammates for not standing up for her and defending her choice to be an absolute horrific bully to Dayana. It’s a last ditch effort to hope she’s pretty enough to sway the boys with her tears. It’s an odd sort of plea, it’s almost as if she’s begging to realize how unfair and awful she is being but she can’t help herself and so she’s bleating for support.
Clay wonders if Lisa is feeling threatened by how stunning Dayana is.
Poor Penn and Clay. They are trapped by Lisa’s bizarre ranting and demand for back up. Penn finally escapes by saying he will go talk to Dayana. I am astounded at how insistent Lisa is at keeping Dayana out of the spotlight.
If Penn has to listen to a woman bitch, might as well be a pretty one.
It’s show time for Forte and although Lisa is the comedienne it appears Clay is the one who steals the show. He has great comic timing and is a very quick thinker.
Eat your heart out Lisa, you weren’t the star
of the show, despite sidelining Dayana.
Team Unanimous is up next and Aubrey will be the first to tell you how stunning and amazing she was as the world’s best host. It’s clear the puppet company is lending a little more professional support for this team, as they do the first sketch with just Arsenio and a professional and they bring in Teresa in an ensemble piece for the second sketch.
Sadly, nothing will help cover how bad she is at this.
As the skit takes off with Teresa entering a therapy session to talk with Johnny Appleseed, she tells the Dr. that nothing is wrong with her and tells him he’s not Johnny Appleseed, forcing another puppeteer to step in as the main character. Remember that cardinal rule to never deny another person’s suggestion? It becomes clear as the audience goes dead and the energy stalls why it is you never kill another person’s suggestion. It’s a good thing professionals are working with them as nothing else would be able to save poor Teresa. But still, she gets kudos for even giving this a try – improv is hard and scary stuff!
Aubrey tells us that she actually had fun being a team player and she knows she and Arsenio did a great job and everyone loved Teresa, so her hopes are high that they won.
The judges meet with VampEric and tell him that they thought for Unanimous, Aubrey was a highlight with her skill at ending the sketches on a high note. They thought Arsenio’s performance was solid but the noticed that Teresa broke the rules alot. For Forte they thought Lisa was great, as expected but they were surprised at how good Clay turned out to be. The problem was that they got a little too bow-chick-a-bow-wow in one of their sketches (I don’t think we got to see it). They said nice things about Penn but they think he fell victim to forgetting he was the host and sometimes let the sketches run a little too long.
Trump starts out with team Forte and asks Dayana how it was working with Lisa. She tells him that it is like everyone who works with Lisa until she explodes. She tells him that Lisa was an okay project manager but not great. Then he asks Lisa what she thought of Dayana and she says not much. Remember that.
A discussion ensues about the casting for the team and everyone agrees that the casting was well done. Dayana asserts her issue was never that she had to be on stage, it was simply that she wanted to be used, rather than sitting on the sidelines watching everyone else rehearse. Sparky then asks Lisa why she said Dayana was bad if she was just left on the sidelines unused and Lisa corrects him saying she didn’t say Dayana was bad. She says she wasn’t yet asked what she thought how anyone did. Ummmm…. see last paragraph. Sounds like bitch is about to do some damage control because she’s finally listening to the concerns Dayana has been trying to vocalize all along.
Since her usual argument that Dayana is useless isn’t going to fly based on the preesent discussion, she tries to spin her Dayana slander in a different direction.
It’s insulting that Dayana thinks comedy is so easy.
WTF is wrong with this bitch? When has Dayana ever said that? I have seriously had it with Lisa Lampanelli and I will rejoice the day her evil soul is eliminated from this show.
Finally, Dayana is able to eloquently explain the problem with Lisa. She says she is amazed at the level of aggression and disrespect Lisa displays towards others and she thinks it is unprofessional to ever be that way to her own teammates. Finally, damaging honest words that may do Lisa in. Please fire her, Mr Trump!
Lisa recognizes her comeuppance and when asked by Trump who she’ll bring back to the boardroom, she starts to choke up.
I’m not sure if I will bring anyone back.
What the hell is this? Now she’s crying? Is this some kind of tactic or is she just bat shit crazy? She tells Trump that she may not bring anyone back because she got into this business to be funny and make people laugh, not to make women cry.
I don’t want to be a villain for my strong opinions.
Trump assures her that she is going to go down as a much nicer person that the world currently understands after this show. Ummm…..
Not likely, bitch! It’s a little too late for remorse.
Trump turns to Unanimous next and asks Paul if he thinks they won. He must be on some delicious pain meds, because he honestly believes they did win. But that doesn’t stop him from reluctantly naming Teresa as a weak player on the team. Ivanka points out that Paul is to be commended for managing the task despite his physical condition which leads to a discussion of how well he did.
Aubrey is surprisingly supportive and diplomatic in her answer and never outright says the man did nothing. She is definitely redeeming herself this week and getting back to the girl I was beginning to admire in the beginning.
If she keeps this up, she will be class valedictorian.
Sparky asks Eric what the judges thought about the two teams.
I’m creeped out that his lips match his tie.
The only thing of interest that he points out (for me) is that Dayana’s puppet was so good, they would use it in their own show. Try to call her useless now, Lisa.
Trump announces Forte is the winning team and now Lisa is so choked up she can barely squeak out that her winning chairty is Gay Men’s Health Crisis. This girl goes from 0 – 60 at a rather alarmingly fast rate. Perhaps there is a diagnosis for her extremes in mood. My guess: Rapid Cycling BiPolar Disorder.
Trump dismisses the Forte team and they head out the door.
See that Aubrey? The boys are still BFF’s.
As they are walking out the door, my classy Dayana rubs Lisa on the back and congratulates her on her win. Dear God, Lisa if you’re worried about someone’s image being destroyed by this show, you might want to check a mirror. You are picking on the nicest person on the show.
It’s been so long since Forte won, Dayana says she forgot what champagne tasted like and Lisa doesn’t even know how to turn on the tv to watch the showdown that is about to start. Ha!
Being an expert at winning, Clay shows Lisa how it’s done.
My favorite part is when Lisa toasts to the Gay Men’s Health Crises and Clay toasts to gay men in general. There is nothing better than seeing people happy with exactly who they are. Clay was in the closet for a long time, and it is such a shame when people have to hide their true essence. Seeing his big smile and making that toast is a glorious thing!
Back in the boardroom, apparently one of the big complaints that Sparky wants to focus on is that the puppets were too complex to be able to play multiple personalities. Arsenio owns up that he made a rocker puppet which did box him in and limit his character’s ability to play parts such as a news anchor or a pharmacist. Teresa tells Sparky they all had input on the puppets and the final approval went to Paul. He responds that Teresa kept compounding her puppet’s accesories and making it more and more complicated. It sure looks like it will come down to our dullest member and our dumbest member fighting for survival.
Is Paul really this short or is it the bad back?
After a back and forth about who is slower (Teresa or Paul), Sparks asks Aubrey who she thinks would be the stronger competitor to keep going forward. Aubs has been diplomatic up to this point but here she has to point out in the best way possible that Teresa is not a quick thinker on her feet. I actually think Teresa is a quick thinker. In my opinion, her problem is that she is not a quick decision maker and she gets confused with all the rapid thoughts running through her head at the same time. In any event, when Sparks asks Aubrey if Teresa is a valuable member, the girl never out right says yes but instead says she loves Teresa and everyone on their team has value. To me that pretty much means Teresa isn’t a valuable member, but we all know that anyway.
Arsenio, of course, says he thinks Paul is the more valuable member to keep going forward.
When asked who he will not be calling back to the boardroom, Paul picks Arsenio. Aubrey is visibly pissed, as she should be – she was flawless on this task. My husband points out as they go to commercial that Paul just made a fatal error. Now Aubrey and Teresa will gang up to send Paul home and Arsenio had a weakness with his puppet design.
When the three are called back into the boardroom, Aubrey tells Trump she’s pulling the Dayana card; there is no reason for her to be there. Paul agrees that she did a phenomenal job and Trump keeps focusing on the fact that Arsenio made an error and Paul failed to bring him back to the boardroom.
Things are getting boring so I started checking out the dresses on the women.
Aubrey’s is lovely, but Teresa’s looks like those
rosette ribbons you win at a county fair.
Finally after untold minutes killing time asking the same questions over and over again, Trump tells Paul that he was the project manager, he brought back the wrong person and he is fired. This is not a big surprise.
Good-bye Paul Sr! You were a person I grew to love on the show.
Wish I could say the same for Lisa.
Mmmmm… biker meat. Am I drooling?
No fair. Dad! You promised I could have him.
Cool it, both of you. Those chopper sandwiches are all mine!
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