Celebrity Apprentice Recap – The $305,000 Sandwich

Hi there Gasmii!

This week on Celebrity Apprentice, we met the contestants and had to send one of them packing. The episode started off with Sparky strolling across the stage of the Lincoln Center while an orchestra serenaded him with the show’s theme song. All the contestants were huddled in a group waiting for him, which is pretty amusing, because there are some big egos in that crowd. Imagine these movie stars, models and Grammy winners having to be their own stand-in and waiting on the Trumpster! I guess it goes to show what people are willing to do for charity.

 

But then again, they’ll do anything to stay in the spotlight.

Sparky welcomes the new contestants and talks about how the Lincoln Center is the largest performing arts space in the world, which is why they will make sandwiches for their first challenge. I don’t know what his point was – something about money being raised to renovate the center. Then Sparky starts to randomly talk to a few of the contestants.

Arsenio starts off with a joke about not wanting to be the first black man to lose to Clay Aiken. Awkward!

This is me laughing after drinking your blood, Aresnio!

 

Then Sparky talks to Teresa and agrees with her as she says she’s the fiery Italian housewife. Except she seems meek and quiet. Then Sparky looks at her and says, “go ahead.” Go ahead and what? Poor girl is as perplexed as I am.

 

What do I say?

She tells us who she is and Sparky listens in, nodding approvingly. WTF? This whole thing feels really weird and awkward. Teresa tells us she has two cookbooks on the NY Times bestseller list.

 

Please. A dead cat could write a cook book!

 

Sparky starts talking to Lisa and mentions how she roasted him on Comedy Central and now he intends to get her back. She laughs and tells him she’s very afraid of him right now. Then she says it’s great to be the only black woman standing on the dais. WTF kind of bizarre world have I been sucked into?

 

BTW, Debbie Gibson looks viscious!

 

Then Adam Corolla tells us he’s playing for a charity called White Kids without Eye Pads. Everyone laughs politely and I have to ask; is this guy really funny? Because everything that comes out of his mouth is always a joke and it’s never a funny one. At least it doesn’t speak to my sense of humor. And it’s so boring knowing that the first thing he always says is a bad joke. He’s playing for Catholic Big Brothers.

 

What about this man doesn’t say pasty dough boy?

 

Sparky moves on to Victoria Gotti and the predictable mafia jokes about not wanting to disappear and being afraid to fire her are let loose.

 

It sort of looks like Goldilocks went out with
Whitney, Brittney and Lindsey last night.

 

Victoria predicts that Debbie Gibson will be demanding. From what I’m seeing, my image of the cute girl singing Only In My Dreams is going to be dashed very quickly. Debbie looks like a battle ax ready for war. I think Victoria is right. She also suggests Lisa will be tough competition.

Then, for no reason whatsoever, Arsenio pipes up from the background.

 

“I don’t like the Gotti woman already.”
(Tia still has jet lag.)

 

What the hell was that? Everyone laughs but I’m wondering what’s going on here? That seemed so rude, especially since Victoria didn’t name names when asked who she had it out for. Then Lisa pipes up as if this is a free for all and says Takei has it coming. She points at Mr. Sulu and has the audacity to say, “I’m gunning for you, bitch.”

 

George shoots back that he has his eye on her and his loins are girded. I’m completely creeped out thinking about ancient Mr. Sulu loins. Clearly this tete-a-tete was not scripted. This is the most bizarre beginning of a show I’ve ever seen. Does The Don understand anything about hosting?

 

Also, does he choose not to put make-up around
his eyes so we’ll all think it’s a real tan and that
was where his sunglasses blocked out the rays?

 

So Sparky divides the teams into men vs. women, which sucks because I think most of the strongest competitors are men this season. He tells them to go pick project managers for the first assignment and to come up with team names.

In the men’s room, they have gathered and Lou suggests they start with creating a team name. Adam pipes in with the following bad jokes: how about team back hair or the TRUMP-ateers. Or maybe the honey badgers or the urinal cakes.

I think I’m wearing the same expression, as
Adam wastes three minutes out of all our lives.

Actually, Clay hits it right on the head, “Mr. Trump does not suffer childishness.” That’s the problem with Adam. His jokes are immature. And here’s an alarming turn of events;

 

They say mimicking is the best form of flattery.
Anyone see a little Sparky in Clay right now?

George suggests they call the team Galactic Force. Because, as he points out when Penn suggests it, calling the team Enterprise is just too obvious. I’m a little concerned for Takei. I think he’s getting one of those old people diseases where they get confused about who they really are.

Live long and prosper was not your tag line, Mr. Sulu!

Stupid Adam interjects in an interview that he doesn’t want to pretend he’s a Trekkie. Then he ad-libs that he had neighbors who were Trekkies. After pausing to find a funny ending, he lamely zings out, “they were alcoholics.” No, Adam, that was the neighbors who watched Roseanne. Your other neighbors, the Trekkies, are now creating the tools for you to podcast your retarded show that no one wanted so you have to release yourself. Dumb ass.

Never insult Trekkies.

No thanks to butt-hole Adam, the men finally come to a decision on a team name. They will be calling themselves Unanimous.

In the women’s room, they are tossing around names like bone crushers, bad ass bears, vincitore (Italian for winner), prowess, “we all have fabulous hair. Can we do something with that?”, and I think Debbie comes up with the winner, Forte. It’s not a bad name, I actually like it better than Unanimous.

Patricia announces she wants to be project manager, as she has plenty of experience managing a charity foundation. During her interview, she sounds highly capable and intelligent.

Hot and smart. Gonna have to revise my prediction on this one.

She sounds pretty freaking amazing. Apparently, her foundation, the Wayuu Taya Foundation has 500 kids sleeping under trees waiting for her to build a school, so she can give them an education, meals and health care. She used to be one of those kids and it is clear this cause hits very close to home for her.

You can see the weight on her shoulders.

Back in the men’s lounge, no one is speaking up and offering to be the project manager. For once, Adam rightly points out it was the only time there was silence at the table. Adam tries to suggest that some people would be good at specific tasks and others would be better to step up to universal or unknown tasks. His for instance is that Paul might be better for a very specific task, at which point, Paul points out that he has run a successful business for 40 years, and he really doesn’t care, so he’ll do it.

With that, Sparky calls them all to the board room.

DJ; dorkus amongus

Wouldn’t it suck if your younger sister was smarter and more hip?

Just saying.

Okay, I know nothing about DJ, so I’ll lighten up.

Trump informs us that Marco Andretti is missing from the men’s team because he had a sudden death of a close friend. His father, Michael Andretti will be taking his place on the show because they believe in their charity (Racing for Cancer) so strongly. Sparky says Michael will be showing up very soon.

Side note: Is it a surprise to professional race car drivers when their friends and family in the biz die in fiery crashes? Seems to me once Dale Earnhardt bit the dust, they must have realized anyone was fair game.

Sparky doles out assignment number one:  compete by making celebrity sandwiches. The winning team will be the team that makes the most money in terms of sales and tips. Keep that word tips in mind; it will become important. Whichever project manager wins will get a lot of money donated to their foundation. Paul is playing for Make A Wish Foundation.

Sparky demonstrates his business acumen with the following sendoff:

“Make delicious sandwiches and lots of money.”

Adam impresses me as the men regroup by getting right down to business and surmising that they aren’t going for sandwich volume. This lead to a discussion about how much each thinks they can bring in and shockingly, Paul predicts he can bring in “half a mil”. Seriously, he said half a million dollars! What the hell? Then he says, if he can’t bring it in, he’ll do it himself. Is that allowed? Anyway, the smarties are starting to show as Adam decides to go back to the hotel and crack a beer, Clay decides to save his big guns for later and Penn says they should still try to actually sell sandwiches. Penn is clearly the visionary here and it’s his ideas that lead to a Chopper-centric sandwich theme, surrounding Paul’s identity.

What are we talking about?

“Branding matters!”

Damn, Penn is smart. That’s hot!

The men wisely decide to head over to their deli and check out the space.

Meanwhile, in Forte’s meeting room:

 

65 and she’s still got it. You go, Cheryl!

Patricia suggests a carnival, which Victoria rightly points out means needing permits. Patricia, a true South American, simply responds, “let the police come.”

 

Bitch, do you have any idea what my life story is???

Debbie suggests a take-off on the idea of a carnival with a red carpet arrival to the deli. Not a bad idea, but I don’t honestly see how that is a take off on clowns and ferris wheels. She says she can take one of her songs, Only In My Dreams, or something….

 

That’s so 1984.

I’m still a significant artist, little pink plastic bitch!

Victoria is a smarty. While all the girls are planning on being outside to attract customers with their celebrity appeal, Victoria has to ask the most obvious question. Who is making the sandwiches?

They decide to have three celebrity sandwiches represented by Cheryl Tiegs (the diet sandwich), Teresa (the Italian sandwich) and they’re deliberating on the third. I just have to quote obsolete Aubrey here, becasue she cracks me up;

“When we first started deciding who was the most recognizable,
I was in disgust. I’ve been part of double platinum girl group
Danity Kane and the reality is I can run circles around most
people here. So them underestimating me probably isn’t the
best idea, because out of all the women on this team,
I have the most Twitter followers.”

Okay, whoever you are. First of all, WRONG! Teresa has the most Twitter followers at 418,453. Granted you are a close second at 384,692 (Lisa comes in third at 274, 408). Secondly, Aubrey, that means nothing. You know who else has thousands of followers? Samantha Ronson. Actually she has over a million followers. And I have no idea who she is either, except she used to date Lilo during her lesbian phase.

I think I just figured out who Aubrey O’Day is:

She’s a Fembot!

They decide the third sandwich should be Debbie Gibson because she’s all American. Oooh, Aubrey loses to Debbie again. If looks could kill.

“Die you irrelevant has-been who paved the way
for my all girl pop group (that I was kicked out of).”

At the Unanimous deli, Paul is dictating the sandwiches he wants to make. It becomes highly apparent that he has no tolerance for gay men. Or Asians. Or anyone on an old ’60′s sci-fi tv show. He keeps calling George “Star Trek” and indicates that he’s not a fan of quiet men. Meanwhile, George wonders where else Paul is tattooed on his body…

 

or could he also have a Prince Albert?

The women are still in their meeting room and everyone is on the phone trying to fund raise.

 

Do phones melt Botox or something?

Victoria is the only one making sure no one can hear her business:

Since she’s getting insurance quotes and talking to her agent.

Debbie wisely points out that they haven’t yet even seen their deli or prepared any sandwiches.

But she unwisely reminds us of the year of her popularity.

Day 2 starts with Victoria being MIA. Lisa hopes she’s not in the trunk of a Lincoln Continental. The girls try to set up a VIP feel at their deli with a red carpet and velvet ropes. Aubrey tries it out, since she thinks she’s the one that belongs on it.

A-ha! She’s Pippi Longstocking.

Debbie checks the microphone and deems it acceptable for her “deli debut.”

Okay, seriously, you’re not the only singer on the team.

Suddenly Victoria arrives. Better late than never, I guess.

Not one person dares to ask what is in the suitcase.

Turns out Victoria tore the cornea on her eye last night. I’m gonna have to call the bullshit card on this one. Have you ever had an eye injury? You can’t see past the watering and it is almost physically impossible to open your eye – your brain just won’t allow it. Plus, you would be wearing an eye patch for at least a day before it healed. Maybe she had an eye issue, but I doubt it was really torn. And I’m pretty sure an eye emergency doesn’t stop fingers from working on a cell phone. I could be wrong.

The men are going with a muscle theme – Choppers, bodies, etc. As such, Lou is gonna have to hang outside flexing his guns. He changes into his work shirt.

Mr. Sulu is not displeased.

The men have created quite a to-do. I like the atmosphere and Penn is kicking ass as a carnival barker, juggling flame and drawing a crowd.

The women have their deli open and Carol Alt comes to lend a hand. Teresa is also out front attracting customers. Aubrey tells us she is “heavily charming” and “an amazing candidate for getting people out on the streets into the restaurant.” I adore her confidence. Maybe she’s the Ashley to Pink’s Jessica.

Wyclef shows up – thanks to Patricia. He donates quite a bit of money and writes a song that they all try to sing.

Debbie does not want to give up that mic.

Things are hopping at Unanimous and Clay is killing it getting people to donate money. Want to donate $500? Clay will talk you into making it $1,000. Too bad he couldn’t have had a chance to give a convincing speech for the finals of American Idol.

My fellow Americans, you think you want to vote
for Reuben, but who has the staying power? I ask you.

Penn and Clay are tag teaming to raise money, but Clay’s getting nervous. Where’s the half mil Paul promised?

The women are getting some great donations in the realm of ten and twelve thousand dollars. They have to invent a vegan sandwich for a 10K donation and I cringe as I watch Cheryl place raw tofu on bread with cranberry sauce. (((shudder))) It couldn’t possibly have been good. Ick.

Dorkus Amongus shows up to check on the ladies success and I don’t think he’s listening to a word Patricia is saying.

“She’s hot. Maybe it’s time to upgrade the wife, like dad does…”

DJ’s astute observation is that the signature all-American grilled cheese sandwich is going to slow down production and affect sales. Um… the sandwiches aren’t really the selling point, bright eyes.

Meanwhile at Unanimous, Penn continues to draw a huge crowd:

Problem is; the crowd isn’t making its way inside to buy sandwiches.

 

Sparky calls both project managers and tells them they have to bring their best sandwich to the Rachael Ray show. The winning sandwich will get an extra bonus for their charity. Lisa and Victoria appear for team Forte while Adam and Arsenio show up to represent Unanimous.

WTF? I thought this challenge was about marketing.

Who knew part of being a celebrity meant you knew how to make gourmet sandwiches? No wonder it’s so hard to be a star. I can see why the crack under the pressure.

Back at the deli shops, there is only a few minutes remaining for the task. Dayana makes an announcement that she just received a 20K donation from a friend in Venezuela.

Debbie still won’t let go of the mic.

Boardroom Time:

The two teams gather in the board room. I discover further proof that Aubrey is a fembot.

If Sparky fires her, she’s gonna shoot him.

Patricia tells Sparky that Dayana was probably the biggest star of the day with the huge donations she brought in. Debbie doesn’t appreciate the lack of kudos.

When did singers become powerhouse egos?

Aren’t they supposed to be insecure and on the verge of suicide? Isn’t that what makes good songs? Oh, right. Never mind.

Trump asks Tia about her contribution which leads to a discussion of how well she did in the task. Sparky then asks Patricia if she would bring Tia back if they lose. Patricia says no, but Tia, apparently with a healthy ego all her own, says it would be okay if she got brought back. You can see the collective moment when the Trumps sense weakness.

I smell blood.

Sparky tells Tia she just indicated that she’s stupid. There’s a twitch of nervousness in Tia, but she wisely remains quiet as Trump tries to bate her on.

Sparky forces Patricia to name who she would bring back if her team loses. She reluctantly picks Cheryl and Victoria because one worked slowly and brought in little money while Victoria was not focused.

I must say, after all that I’ve heard of Teresa, I am surprised at how very little she stands out in this episode.

Sparky then turns to Unanimous and welcomes Michael Andretti to the team (he showed up during the challenge). Paul tells The Don that his biggest star was Penn, although Penn denies it and says Paul was his own most recognizable team player. The Sparkster yanks out of Paul who he would think were his weak links. He finds the black guy and the gay Asian were his two weakest links. He refers to George as meek, which is very strange.

Sparky agrees it’s an odd thing to say and then goes into a statement about how George has been a leader of gay rights.  As a staunch Republican, is Donald for gay rights? I suspect some political re-positioning at work with some of Sparky’s casting choices.

Back to our show, George informs us that he grew up in a Japanese internment camp and meek is an odd word to choose to describe him. Sparks surmises that Paul probably chose the word meek due to a limited vocabulary. Paul agrees that meek isn’t the right word.

When asked why he picked Arsenio, Paul admits it was a random pick. Hats off to Adam Carolla, for diffusing a tense situation by pointing out that Paul was told to pick two people to hypothetically bring back and he picks three minorities. It was a humorous way to point out Paul’s limitations and allow Sparky to move on without laboring the point.

Clearly the Rachael Ray bit was filler to make this show last for two hours. Whoever she chooses will get 35K donated from Cafe Metro, which will add to the team total. Rachael picked the men’s team sandwich and Sparky gushes over the sandwich. I’m yawning at this point. Thank God this is almost over.

Sparky shows his bi-curiosity (another nouveau image choice?) and asks Lou if his guns are still as big as they used to be. Then he compliments Paul on his bulk as well. This somehow leads into discussing Paul’s ability to lead. Penn vouches for the Chopper, but I have to say, I don’t think he lead at all. He had great support behind him with Penn’s brains, Clay’s hustle and Adam’s organization.

Time for the big moment. The women raised $126,962. Sparky tells the women that no first episode in all 12 seasons of The Apprentice has ever generated that much money. Seems like a shoe-in that they won, right?

But then Ivanka tells Sparky that the men’s team raised $332,120. plus the 35K thanks to Rachael Ray’s pick. What the hell???? Paul tells us all that he raised $305,000 from one person.

So let me get this straight. Unanimous in fact only earned and raised $27,000 as compared to the women who earned and raised over $120K. Then, at the last minute, Paul makes a call to his Orange County Chopper Super Pac and with an insane donation he gets credit for the win? This is such BS! That has nothing to do with business or project managing or anything. AND it’s not his promised 500K, either.

Patricia loses all the money her team worked so hard to earn, as it all goes to Paul’s charity.

You can see it ripping her heart out – she’s very close to her cause.

The men exit the boardroom and Trump addresses the women. Fembot speaks up and is trying to ask Sparky if Patricia can keep the money she raised for her charity, but The Don cuts her off and tells her the question is obvious and there’s not point in asking it. Rules are rules.

I’ve got it! She’s a Stepford wife.

Then Sparks interviews Dayana as his next potential wife and tells her the boyfriend she’s with won’t last because he doesn’t have an airplane.

He asks Debbie what she thinks and for some reason she thinks this is a platform for her to brag to Trump about her musical abilities. He cuts her off too and says, “who cares.” I love it! But I bet if Debbie looked like Dayana, he would have let her finish her bragging.

More mob jokes come out at Victoria’s expense as Debbie surprisingly vouches for her. I love that at the beginning of the show, Victoria was predicting she’d be gunning for Debbie and here Debbie is trying to save her ass. We women are so fickle.

Debbie also reluctantly calls out Cheryl as possibly the weakest performer on the team. Everyone keeps interrupting Cheryl and it becomes evident that she isn’t nearly as hungry or cut-throat as the other players are capable of being.

Fembot is asked her opinion next and for some reason she decides to focus on Victoria Gotti. Odd because Victoria is definitely one of the sharper cookies on the team. But Fembot explains that she is a business woman who worked for Diddy for 6 years, which trained her to be perfect. Sparky interrupts to tell us all how he’s good friends with Diddy and that the man is a good guy. Fembot doesn’t seem to agree, but Sparks lets the matter drop. Damn, girl, you are going to have Diddy and Gotti as your enemy? Did that pink dye melt your brains?

To kill more time, Sparky moves on to Tia and brings up that she said she wouldn’t mind being brought back into the board room. She smugly replies it is because she can defend herself.

Oh, Tia. Never, ever show Sparky your ego is as big as his.
Or that your forehead refuses to move.

*Sigh* Now he’ll be gunning for her. And just to prove my theory is right, Ivanka goes after her too and tells her the statement was flippant. Poor Tia, she won’t last long now.

This whole “losing team” thing is so unfair. Dayana makes an excellent point that she isn’t nearly as well known as the other people in the room and she raised the second highest amount of money. The crappy thing is, what they did is usually enough. It’s just that Paul pulled a dirty trick and I’m guessing he shelled up that money himself. It sucks that the women have to send anyone home.

Everyone is pointing at Victoria and Cheryl and sure enough, that is who has to come back to the boardroom with Patricia.

A concerned Cheryl flexes the one muscle that still works in her face.

Cheryl doesn’t feel she should be in the boardroom, but Patricia doesn’t agree that she raised as much money as she claims. The women admitted that they held back their big powerhouse givers for their own tasks. Victoria defends the choice much better than Cheryl, who readily admits she wanted to wait until she was project manager to call in her big donations.

Dorkus Amongus interrupts and says something. Nobody knows or cares.

Cheryl tells Sparky that she honestly isn’t sure this is the right place for her. She’s a quiet person and a hard worker, having built up 12 companies, but she’s not cut throat. She doesn’t know if she fits into the group. Donald blows lots of complimentary smoke up her pretty old butt and then he fires her.

Damn, so much for my prediction. I can see that Cheryl is hurt – she’s a gentle soul.

Good-bye pretty lady. Chin up!

So what did you think of the boys’ win this week? Frankly I don’t see the point of the competition if the richies can just shell out their own 300K to put their team over the top without doing much work. Plus the winner only gets 250K for their charity and Paul just got to send Make A Wish 400K. I think he should now bow out and let the other contestants vie for their causes. Also, I think it sucks that Patricia’s charity got none of her hard work. You can see how worried she is about those kids.

I wonder if Cheryl’s charity, The Farrah Fawcett Foundation, will see even a cent for her efforts.

And who do you think will get the ax next? Personally I think the Trumpsters are gunning for Tia but I sure would like to see a man get sent home. Guess we’ll all find out together next week. See you then!

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Ribbit.