Celebrity Apprentice Recap: Trump Hounds of Bastardville

Greetings Gasmii! This week we get to see the entire Trump clan gang up like a wolf pack and rip to shreds an innocent man because they don’t understand the difference between a brand and a legend. They all lost intellect points in my book. But let’s start at the very beginning.

This week’s episode picks up with the men returning from the boardroom. No one is surprised that the ship has lost it’s helmsman and Mr. Takei has hit the road. Dee compliments the women on pulling it together on the task and Adam makes a toast to fallopian tubing. *sigh*. I can see he is going to annoy the hell out of me again in this episode.

Debbie nose wrinkle = not really funny.

Dee tells us that the wrong guy was sent home and Lou still isn’t pulling his sizeable weight. I have to say, Lou does seem to be all talk and no action, although he does try to interject ideas from time to time. Dee predicts that no one will cover for our lovable hulk anymore.

Dayanah delivers her winning money to the Latino Commission on Aids and we get another tear fest, only this time with subtitles. Thankfully, it is over fairly quickly.

But not quick enough to keep me dry eyed. Damn.

It is now early morning and the teams assemble at Grand Central Plaza to meet Trump, his spawn and some short dudes. For no reason, Sparky informs the teams that all around them the rich are looking down on them. Some of these people are good people and some of these are scum. What the hell is the point of that?

Then Trump educates us all by informing us that we used to ride in horse and carriage, but now we ride in cars. Riveting. He tells us one of his favorite cars is the Buick. Right, Trump rides in Buicks.

Wait, the Buick is still around?

So the dudes from Buick are going to have the teams do a presentation of their all new vehicle the Buick Verano. They admit they are jonesing to change their image.

Speaking of image, Ivanka, please say that isn’t one of your dresses fitting you so badly. And based on how much you are twisting your feet, I’m pretty sure your shoes are killing you, just like Aubrey complained about in your store window. Stand still and tough out the pain, girl!

The teams will be giving a ten minute presentation and a ten minute Q & A to the audience and on-line viewers. Short Buick dudes ask if there are any questions and Adam feels this is an appropriate moment to inform us all that he lost his virginity in a Buick. Does this guy ever regret the stupid crap that leaps from his mouth?

Sparky tells the groups to pick their project managers and he has already pointed out the men have an Andretti on their team, so he’s pretty sure he knows who their project manager will be. The teams huddle up and the men decide Adam will lead the team on this task.

This turns out to be one of many mini hissy-fits
about Michael not being the project manager.

But Adam is a car geek and it is already clear that Michael is no leader, so the decision seems like a good one to me. Debbie is going to lead the women, because she “performs live all the time, how hard can it be?”

Happily, Buick is throwing a bone to the winning team and topping off Trump’s twenty thousand dollar prize with an additional thirty thousand. That perks up Debbie.

Why is Aubrey wearing Debbie’s shoes?

In the team Forte war room, Aubrey is already throwing out the ideas.

Bitch, do you have any idea how much I hate you?

It’s like Padme Amidala and Cruella DeVille’s love child
got bitten by a radioactive spider.

Debbie talks about how it will be her job to reign in Aubrey, while Aubrey espouses at the lack of creativity on the team; a burden she must bear alone. In walk the short Buick boys who both make a concerted effort to meet Dayanah. Debbie whisks them away from the beauty and sits them across the table to keep them focused on her. She asks the men what the overall purpose of the presentations are. Um…… duh!

The men run with the question and begin to talk about how their car is supposed to be a more thoughtful form of luxury. The women are furiously taking notes and making “I totally get it faces”, but this is a car and none of these chicks are lesbian (so far as I know), so I’m guessing they are all really tuning out. Well most of them. Aubrey says the men were using feminine words like the voice of the car and the thoughtfulness of the car, so she’s beginning to think their spin needs to be about the heart of the car.  She’s right on as far as I’m concerned, which means our girl (I’m gonna own her now that she has proven her worth) is once again rising to the top in the brain category. Or she’s the most amazing bullshitter to ever pull nothing from her ass.

  Either way, the word genius is starting to
float around my brain when I look at her.

The Buick boys inform the ladies they will be able to test drive the Verano on a pier today and they sum up with an obnoxious joke, “Try not to drive into the Hudson River.”

Misogyny; the fifth element of our new thoughtful Buick image.

Dayana looks offended and Lisa politely laughs but looks incredulous. Debbie just says, “Thank you so much!” I totally would have punched his belittling, short, smug face. I feel bad for Buick boy’s wife.

Next we are taken to Unanimous, where Adam’s entire game plan is to come out, welcome everybody and kiss some Buick ass. Clay, Arsenio and Penn all vocalize their concerns that Michael Andretti needs to play a key role in this presentation, as he is such a huge figure in the car world.

Michael looks scared.

Adam seems reluctant to share the stage with anyone else but himself and his awesome jokes. In walk the Buick pigs. They start given their “thoughtful” Buick spiel and Adam hates the idea. Like most dorks, the idea of being thoughtful is as boring as car talk was for the girls. So he basically says, “thoughtful, shmoughtful. You want fun and funny, right?”

As funny as we are being right now will be fine.

The boring Buicks suggest witty and charming as opposed to funny and definitely no beer commercials. Holy fuck, this is a girl car! I’m so sure it is one of Sparky’s favorite cars, like he claimed. Maybe for his maid.

A lightbulb goes off in Arsenio’s head and he testifies that maybe having a comic as the project manager on a serious and seemingly sensitive task was not the best idea.

Personally, I’m appreciating Arsenio’s much more dapper duds this week.

The Buick brats tell the men they have spent a lot of time “crafting the voice” of this brand.

All I’m hearing is thoughtful, charming and voice.
Where the hell is the talk about horse power, speed and muscle???
Is this a gay car?

Adam then points out that Tiger Woods is the voice of Buick, right?

 

Crickets and death rays.

Our stupid comic quickly tries to back peddle and un-do the damage, but he has already kicked the white elephant in the room. I don’t think Adam Carolla and anything requiring being thoughtful should ever share the same space.

Clay now realizes the challenge Adam will face in having to dial back his “comic” skills to lead on this task. Clay reminds us that since Tiger Wood’s controversy (which caused Buick to drop him), that was probably the last name the Buick boys wanted to hear.

Crap, I should be managing the girl car presentation.

After the break, we see the men brainstorming and Lou suggests he dress up as the Hulk. This actually gets some laughs from others around the table, but Lou is oblivious. He goes on and on about how they’ll have to get the wig and the make-up, etc. Dee finally interrupts and tells Lou that he needs to put his money where his mouth is and show that he can do more than the Hulk.

 

I can do this, too.

Adam decides to take Paul and Michael to test drive the car. As he’s leaving, Lou is still talking about the Hulk driving the car and Adam points out it’s probably not a good idea to get green make-up on the car. Lou just doesn’t think his brilliant vision is being understood.

 

Take this with you!
(Arsenio is tweeting “Damn, L.F. b crazy!”)

With Adam’s dismissal, Lou once again feels marginalized.

Back in Forte, Lisa has suggested that they create the gimmick of a casting call to audition Verano spokes models as a way of allowing people to come from the audience. Debbie thinks this is a great way to relay all the information.

 

Still think this is easy, Debbie?

I don’t understand why both teams want to have people from the audience interject in their presentations. I think this removes an element of professionalism. If the Buick is trying to be regal, classy and thoughtful, audience interruption is none of those. Frankly, I think if the women just dress hot and memorize a lot of stupid car statistics and each one does part of the presentation, they would have this thing in the bag.

Spider Amidalla Deville tells us that she and Lisa are allies because they understand how valuable they each are. Nothing was getting done until she, Aubrey the great, started throwing out ideas and Lisa took the ball and started conceptualizing the gems that she, Aubrey the great, gave birth to. I think her point is that the auditioning a spokesperson thing might have originally been her idea and she wants us all to know it.

So the plan is that Tia will be the host and the auditioners for the spokes model gig will be Aubrey emphasizing safety, Teresa demonstrating space, Lisa getting silenced thanks to soundproofing, and Debbie will show off gadgets.

Tia wants to have an overall theme, which she suggests will be a world community, and/or humanity. Lisa bluntly asks if there are any other or better ideas.

Fat bitch, do you realize I am trained in swords and guns?

Teresa offers something about using Ivanka’s image which I agree is a bizarre idea. BUt I think Tia had something there with hers. Dayana asks Debbie if they know the order of the presenters, or which music they will use or any other logistics. Debbie is dismissive of her legitimate question. Queen Aubrey then suggests the girls all get in the car after the presentation and at the end they all say together “we are all Buick.”

I think I might puke.

I agree with Dayana, this is a stupid idea. So each girl will just sit in the car and do nothing after her presentation while she waits for the others? That seems awkward and strange. As an audience member, I would keep focusing on the chicks in the car and wonder what they are doing just sitting in there.

Back in the Unanimous war room, the men left behind while Adam goes to test drive the car are rehashing their serious concerns about Adam being the voice of their presentation. They decide they need to call Adam again and make sure their hunch that Michael needs to be featured is understood.

It is Arsenio, Penn, Dee, Clay and Lou who are sitting around with no idea what the presentation is going to be. Clay calls Adam and finally they learn the concept; team members will heckle Adam from the crowd while he is trying to give the presentation. This is so stupid, even the ever tactful Penn can’t help himself and blurts out “that is such a bad idea. Buick is about class and we should be reaching to go over that, not under it.”

They all try again to re-direct Adam, but he’s having none of it. It is his playground and he will rule the roost. Finally they men have to surrender and accept that despite their concerns, they have to follow the vision of their project manager.

We are so fucked.

Forte is now in vans and as Aubrey tells us, Debbie has created a cool car where all the ideas for the presentation are being bounced around. They come up with what they think is a super cool slogan.

“Love your reflection.” We are so awesome!

The girls in the other van are worried as they are not even on speaker phone to be included in the conceptualization. Tia calls Debbie and asks that they listen in. Debbie tosses her phone to Lisa and says she just needs to review her notes and isn’t ready to talk to them yet. She’ll call them back when they have things sorted. In other words, when the ideas have been finalized.

The uncool van is being left out of the awesomeness.

Don’t worry guys, it’s only a personal vendetta. Dayana, you made the mistake of being prettier than Debbie and not letting her model in the window. Teresa, your public image is disdainful to the little aging pop queen. And Tia, in your shared heyday with Debbie, you were always prettier, therefore, you shall be punished. Someday you’ll all get in the cool van, but right now there is no room for you with Debbie and Aubrey’s egos taking up space.

Adam, Michael and Paul are at the docks and Adam has decided Michael’s job will be to test drive the Verano and offer technical expertise. As Michael is trying to whip a girl car around the track, he looks bored, although Adam seems worried.

Slow down, Michael!

After the drive, Michael reports that he liked the way the car handled and that it is a perfect car. I’m beginning to worry about the expectations of what Michael can deliver to the task. He is, after all, only a driver. A very good one, as are all the Andretti’s, but still just a driver. When the car needs help, there is a team in the racing pit that takes over and doctor’s the vehicle. I’m not sure how much technical knowledge about a girl car the guy can offer.

The women are now test driving the car too, and naturally Debbie is the driver. This makes perfect sense, since her task is to talk about the stereo in the car. Whatever.

I love that to find her song list, I had to go to Oldies.com

Adam enters the Unanimous war room and starts to review the beats of his presentation. He’ll do an introduction, Michael will come out and discuss the experience of driving the car and then the heckling will begin. Adam’s genius coup de grace is that Paul will be the final heckle by shouting out, “you suck!”

Oh, shit.

Is this what the Catholic Big Brother’s taught you?

The men desperately try one more time to emphasize that the Buick dudes wanted classy more than funny. Especially when the funny isn’t funny. But Adam won’t budge. He’s pretty sure it will get a laugh and as long as it does, all will be well. What is so funny about “you suck!” in the middle of a presentation?

The ladies are gathered and reviewing what they already have. The theme is Love Your Reflection and somehow mirrors will be involved, but not sure just how yet.

I agree with Teresa – it is a stupid idea.

They don’t have a script yet, which Lisa points out as they are eating their second salads of the day.

Just like performing live, right? Is this how you
look when you’re singing “Only In My Dreams”?

Tia has some script ideas she has already jotted down, which Debbie gives her permission to read out loud. Tia’s idea involves photos, but Debbie quickly shuts her down by saying that is not the direction of their vision, which is no fault of Tia’s since she wasn’t in the van that developed the presentation.

Ha ha, bitch. You weren’t in the cool van.
Photos are so last week’s assignment, anyway.

Dorkus Amongus visits the girls and Debbie hems and haws a bunch of bullshit. It’s clear they are spinning their wheels and Donald’s first prodigy rightly predicts the girls have a serious problem with the amount of work left to do and the small amount of time to do it in.

Ivanka has stopped in to check on the men’s progress. Adam tells her they have decided to make the presentation funny and interesting (as in nothing the Buick brats provided was good enough?) He mentions how the team members will be heckling the crowd and Ivanka points out that it needs to be done within the scope of the marketing. Then she turns to Michael Andretti and says, “you know about the cars.” Poor Michael – he tells her he’s not a mechanic.

“But I pretty much know how they operate.”

Ivanka then follows the blood trail laid down by her father. Her last statement was just a lead in to go for the jugular with, “I was surprised you weren’t project manager of this one.”

Awooo. Awooo!!!!!!!!!!!

Michael rightly points out, this is a marketing thing, not a driver thing. But Ivanka points out he can bring in all his driver friends. Still a marketing task, and a girl car at that, satin pink princess, so lay off the dude.

Ivanka says that since the Andretti name is almost synonymous with cars and racing she can’t believe he didn’t step up to a task that was almost tailor made to his particular skill set. Really? Just because he can bring in other drivers? If they are as shy and reserved as he is what good would it do. And also, as Donald girl prodigy herself pointed out, race car drivers have NOTHING to do with the marketing of this car. This is a sensitive car – no where in the “voice” of this car is there bragging about speed and handling. Performance does not go hand in hand with thoughtful. Michael was right to let someone else take this task. I think the Trumpsters are being obtuse about this one. They just perceived an imagined weakness and won’t let it go. Ivanka ends with saying the challenge struck her as a total natural for Michael Andretti. She smiles through the vamp fangs that she’s trying to reign in and tells the men she’ll see them at the presentation.

She’s clearly looking forward to discovering
Michael’s blood type in the board room.

You are right to be worried.
You should also wear a garlic necklace this week.

The men are rehearsing their presentation and in a way it looks like it could kind of work. Penn’s bit about fitting in the car leads to him climbing in the trunk which I think will delight the Buick pigs. Adam assigns Lou to security, so it will be his job to pull Paul out of the audience after Paul heckles Adam. Lou tells us that everyone loves Lou Ferrigno and everything he does creates attention, so he’ll just keep doing what he can to offer up ideas and not be so underutilized. I’m not sure what his problem is, since this is pretty much what he would have done as the Hulk, except not in green make-up.

The women are also trying to rehearse in the space. Dayana suggests they begin run-throughs, which Debbie squashes immediately, saying she has to read through it one more time with Lisa. Dayana says they still have no idea what they are doing.

Aubrey is also concerned, saying it all seems very gimmicky with Lisa being a big comedienne and Debbie Gibson making her come back tour. Debbie’s song “Shake Your Love” plays as we see this.

Bwahahaha!

No one can make what Aubrey says next any funnier, so I’ll just quote her, “I think Debbie should just go on stage and sing In Her Dreams, or whatever the fuck the song that she says was so amazing. I honestly wasn’t into any of her stuff. I was more of a Tiffany fan, but whether you bought a ticket or not, you’re gonna hear her sing.”

Girlfriend forgot her training bra. Guess we have
to look at that, whether we want to or not too.

As the women wrap it up for the night, Debbie acknowledges that they have a lot of work to do the next day before the presentation. Her solution is to hope magic fairy dust sprinkles on them tomorrow.

The next day, it looks like the women are first. From the time they walk in it sounds like they only have 45 minutes to solidify things. There can’t be any way they have this thing well organized! Debbie admits they haven’t had time to familiarize themselves with the material. It sounds like they are pretty much going to wing it.

But one thing has always been a given; Debbie gets the mic.

As Tia walks on stage and welcomes everyone to Buick, things seem kind of awkward. Also, I can see that maybe it is a good idea to downplay the hot factor on Tia so she doesn’t outshine the car but what the hell is this outfit supposed to be?

A librarian/ lab scientist serving as a casting director?

Poor Tia! They have downright uglified her. Since I’ve never seen Tia in glasses, I’m guessing this is Debbie’s costuming idea, to create the ultimate triumph over her once prettier rival.

Tia doesn’t have much to say about the car and right away goes into asking if anyone wants to audition to be the spokes person for the car. Debbie volunteers and introduces herself as “Debbie Gibson. Yes, The Debbie Gibson.” People laugh and politely applaud.

 

 

Debbie is talking about hands free and connectivity and some crap and then heads over to the car and instructs it to play Debbie Gibson’s Shake Your Love.

 

I am a Goddess in musical form.

She sings the last line of of her song along with the radio and she’s completely off key! It sounded terrible. Then she chimes in, “I hope I got the part!” and jumps in the car. Why the hell are the auditioners getting inside the Buick? This is not a presentation – it is bad SNL sketch.

Lisa jumps up and shouts out that she’s ready for her close up. She’s loud and somewhat funny and talks about the sound proofing. Then she gets in the back seat of the car as Debbie is screaming her song at the top of her lungs.

WTF?

Aubrey comes up next and ever the focused one, incorporates everything in her introductory statement, “I have a reflection about the Buick Verano that will make me the winning spokesperson.” Damn, she good.

But then she starts “reflecting” on safety and talks about hearing that her mom was in a car accident and how scary it was to think about losing her mom. She’s bringing on real tears and bringing the Buick boys down. She tries to insinuate that somehow if her mom had been in the Buick Verano, she would have been safe? Unhurt? Not sure where she is going and I’m completely disgusted when she comes on and admits the whole thing was a lie. She planned on connecting emotionally with her audience, which she did, but it was disingenuous. In confessional, she tells us she did an amazing job and was a pastor in a church rallying her flock and that the whole thing was amazing.

Until she calls the Verano a Verona. Not once, but twice.

Debbie, goes from looking stupid in the car to looking pissed (& stupid) in the car.

Oh no she didn’t!

Now Debbie is worried because Aubrey said Verona twice and Teresa is up next.

And we all know Teresa is an absolute moron. What if she calls it a Verona too?

Debbie thinks Teresa could possibly tank her vingette about roominess. But how could she fail when her kids are so freaking cute and they top it all off with a hilarious skateboarding dog? Debbie is a biased big nosed idiot.

Oh yes, this is so much worse than singing an ancient song out of tune
that no one in this market range even knows.

Needless to say, Teresa’s bit was the topper that stole the show. Well done housewife!

Then I guess all the girls that were in the car get out of the car, hold up shiny propaganda and Tia says, “Love your reflection.”

I don’t get it.

Once again, Debbie refuses to give up the mic, even to hold the mirror that is supposed to somehow tie this all in to reflections. Seriously, I am so disappointed with who she is turning out to be. I always imagined her to be a sweet, unassuming and down to earth girl, like her songs. I thought she was what Penn is. But Debbie’s ego apparently knows no bounds.

It is time to take questions from the audience and the first one is about safety ratings. Guess who doesn’t have an answer?

And guess who’s still prettier than you, Debbie.

Tia does a great job covering by mentioning a lot of the safety features on the car, including the fact that industry standard is 6 air bags, while this car has ten. Then Debbie interrupts her and repeats everything Tia just said word for word, as if the answer was her own!

If Amy Poehler were playing Debbie Gibson, she wouldn’t be
able to come up with this kind of ridiculousness!

A question about the sound system is asked and Aubrey points out how great it is that you can use voice commands to get any artist you want. Debbie interrupts with “request your favorite Debbie Gibson song.” Bitch, seriously? Lisa shouts out “or not!”

The model/actress/singer/Goddess is not pleased.

The presentation ends and the Buick boys seem to have enjoyed themselves.

Next up is the men’s presentation. Penn announces Adam and he comes on stage and immediately alienates the audience by thanking them for the pathetic smathering of applause. Then he starts trying to talk and he’s so nervous he can’t remember what he’s supposed to say. Awkward pause while he walks over to the podium and opens up his notebook to check what he’s supposed to say. Good thing he’s old hat at being on stage because he recovers quickly.

I’m actually flustered talking about a car. It is that spectacular.

Nice job, Adam! He begins to rattle off the specs on the car – way more information in the first twenty seconds than the girls delivered their entire twenty minutes. I’m starting to think the guys may have this one. We’ll have to see how the heckling goes.

Adam then introduces Michael Andretti and asks him how it was to test drive the car. It is clear Michael is nervous.

As Dee points out, Michael is not a performer.
It was a good call not to have him present.

Adam continues talking and Arsenio interrupts with the first heckle. It actually works! It’s light hearted, funny and informative. Penn intterupts next and the Buick pricks are delighted. Penn complains no car fits his 6’7″ frame (holy cow – who knew he was that tall?) The crowd loves it when not only can Penn fit in the car.

He can fit in the trunk too!

This presentation is amazing. The crowd is engaged, Adam is doing a great job delivering information, the hecklers are friendly and fun. Until…..

“You suck!”

It completely kills the festive atmosphere and when Adam asks Paul if he has a question about the car, Paul shouts again, “you suck!” Everything they’ve built comes crumbling down with this final “comedic” bit Adam thought of. His fatal error was in relying on Paul to be his straight man. Paul has no idea that the mood has shifted and no one is having fun anymore. He shouts it again one last time, “you suck!” If Adam had chosen Clay or Arsenio for this bit, they would have sensed the faltering crowd and ad-libbed to make a recovery. No one wants the uncomfortable silence, so any attempt at a recovery would have been welcomed and all would have been forgiven. Instead, Adam had insisted that this bit be done, which takes the focus off the car and back onto himself in a negative way. All this leads to a crowd that has fallen deathly silent.

For the Q&A, Adam asks Michael back on the stage. The first question is something about hearing honking from men driving fast or something – I didn’t really understand it. But according to Adam, the honk will be like a distant fart in the wind that you remember from your childhood. This is becoming painful to watch. It was doing so well before! And I must say, I was hoping the men would prevail because I don’t think I can take much more of Ms. Shake Your Love and her ego and I was hoping to see her sent packing.

The men finish up their presentation and they are feeling pretty good about it. Enough so that Clay admits to Adam that he got an erection during the presentation. Ew! I don’t want to think about Claiken erections. Ever.

Boardroom time. I think Sparky is starting to get the wandering mind disease. In the first thirty seconds he asks Lisa how Debbie was as project manager, kisses Debbie’s ass about being amazing opening night on Broadway in Les Miserables (is he hoping to bang her too?), asks Adam if he’s comfortable here and compliments Aresenio on going bald and saying he thinks he should shave his head too.

After one minute, he gets down to the thorn in his side and tells Dee he’s suprised Michael didn’t take the job as project manager on this one.

Unleash the hounds!

Michael tries to say maybe on paper it seems like he’s the perfect guy, but not in reality. Adam was the best choice.

Ivanka interrupts to ask what project could he possibly be better suited for than this one.

Awoo! Awooooooooooooooo

This looks like it is going to be a blood bath. Sparky asks Paul who knows more about cars than Michael Andretti, other than Mario Andretti. Are you not listening cotton top? The man has repeatedly said he’s a driver, not a mechanic! Adam knocks the explanation out of the park by comparing this to fantasy football where there are jocks playing on the field and nerds who know so many statistics about their players that they actually know more about the jocks than the jocks know about themselves. Makes perfect sense and backs up what everyone has been saying. When it comes to presentation and car knowledge it actually makes sense that Adam be the one to drive this project, if you will.

Finally Trump reigns in his blood hounds and turns to Lou. Dorkus Amongus notices that Lou seems to continually feel marginalized. Lou tells us, “I wanted to do more, because everybody thinks I’m the Hulk. I’ve done over 40 feature films, I’m a world class motivational speaker, and I wanted to get more involved with the dialogue.” What??? From what we saw all he wanted to do was dress up like the hulk and tear off a suit.

Next up Sparky asks Penn what his role was. He tells Sparks that he argued with Adam, then sat in a car and climbed in a trunk. This leads to a discussion of how many of the members of the team were concerned with the tone of their presentation. It does not look good for Adam.

Don’t tell me I’m going to be fired over a gay car!

Sparky asks Adam who he’s bringing back if his team loses. The answer is no one. Adam says it will be on him if they lose, but they aren’t going to lose, so he’s not worried about it.

The women are kvetching about how there was a cool car where all the planning happened. Teresa says she and Tia were left out of the planning stages. Debbie points out that Aubrey and Lisa are the big planners of the group and needed to be in her car.

Apparently, Venezuelans don’t count.

Sparky moves on to Tia and asks her if she’s been intentionally playing under the radar. This would have been a great opportunity for her to tell him that she has also been dismissed but she goes on about learning the game and approaching with caring, blah blah blah. Old men can’t stand that kind of run on blather from women. Trump interrupts her with “forget it. Don’t worry about it.”

What he means is, “With that mouth, you aren’t hot enough to sleep with. Or tolerate.”

If they lose, Debbie says she’ll be bringing back Tia and Teresa. She explains that Teresa doesn’t own who she is. I’d say Debbie has over owned who she is! But anyway, I think Debbie’s explanations are bogus and I think Tia and Teresa both did a fine job with this task. Debbie just doesn’t like them and it’s all about popularity with an aging teen queen. Thank god Debbie never had a little sister to follow in her footsteps.

Have you seen Whatever Happened to Baby Jane?
This could so totally be Debbie.

Tia finally starts to talk some sense and mentions how she and Teresa were marginalized. No one is talking about Dayana being in that van, but the beauty queen wisely remains silent. Sadly, Tia doesn’t seem able to form complete sentences and kind of talks like a half baked California girl, so although her ideas are partially expressed, she never delivers succinct answers. I have a feeling the minute she’s project manager, Trump will fire her because he won’t be able to stand to listen to her.

Trump wonders why Debbie would treat Teresa and Tia so dismissively. He suggests it is lack of respect.

Guilty! Tee hee.

I just realized something else.

# of Grammy’s The Debbie Gibson, musical superstar, has won: 0
# of Grammy’s a freaking Hawaiian actress has won: 2

Jealous much?

The Trump children review what the Buick boys liked about each of the presentations. Dorkus Amongus mentions Aubrey using the word Verona instead of Verano. Donald tells her it is a good reason to get fired. Sparks then leans over to Adam and asks him if he’s drooling over what he’s hearing about the women’s team. Adam says he’s tumescent.

I thought it meant something like glowing, but having just looked it up, I discover that Adam is zinging me one last time with his horrifically bad jokes. Tumescent means abnormally distended by fluids or gas. *sigh* Please let his team lose and let him be fired. No wait, that would mean having to tolerate The Debbie Gibson one more week. Fuck – I can’t decide.

Ivanka tells the men that the Buick dudes loved Adam’s presentation and knowledge. But that they were disappointed with Michael’s stage presence and that he was a little too reserved.

Bullshit! That’s your issue. I bet Daddy promised you the leg bone.

The men believe Adam did such a great job that maybe Buick will ask him to actually be their spokesperson. Seriously? Maybe if they have an offensive line of cars that spew fart smells and have semen stains built in. Sparky tells them that won’t happen because the men lost the challenge.

It’s nice to see Debbie get choked up as she realizes that she’s going to be able to give fifty thousand dollars to Children’s International. She tells a gut wrenching story of what she saw in the Philippines, but I’ll save it for next week’s show when they’ll force us all to watch anyway.

The women hobble out of the boardroom in their high heels and tight skirts. Since Teresa didn’t get fired as Debbie had hoped, she now decides to try to make good with her team mate. She tries to tell Teresa she does respect her and she’s been telling everyone she knows what a lovely person Teresa is. As in I used to think you were a honky shrew dope, but now I don’t.

Teresa doesn’t buy the calculated crap.

But she does pretend to. I miss Victoria, who bluntly told the girls it was on and called all her teammates bitches. That was a real woman!

Back in the boardroom, Penn is shocked that their team lost. He thinks if it had been a room full of real car buyers, Adam would have sealed the deal. Lou then says that he isn’t surprised because not everyone was utilized. Does he seriously think if he had dressed up as the Hulk they would have won? How would the Hulk have added to the marketing of the presentation?

Doesn’t matter, Sparky is distracted by remembering his man crush on Lou Ferrigno and asks Lou to compare his hand size to Adam’s.

Donald forgets all about gunning for Dayana
as he wonders what else Lou has that big.

Adam brings it back to the point, which is that how could an audience judge who was being underutilized? He does not believe they did a bad job and that the presentation did not fall apart. Things go south again for Michael Andretti when Lou points the finger at him as being the weakest player on this task. The Trumps are firing off left, right and center about the team failing to use the Andretti name and Michael having crappy stage presence.

Michael’s teammates all speak up in his defence and bring home the point that he’s not a performer, he’s a race car driver. What more do these idiots want? Trump tells the men that Andretti is a name, a brand and it was underutilized.

And so here is my point from the beginning. The Andretti’s are a legend, not a brand. A brand is something meaningless and frivolous that you create a bunch of stupid t-shirts, bracelets and water bottles to promote so everyone thinks they have to have it and decide to buy it. A legend is something that has value and worth in its own right and requires no promoting because it is simply a very good thing that the world acknowledges and accepts. Michael Andretti is a legend. This means he does not have to do a song or a dance to convince people he’s the new it thing. It also means he probably isn’t capable of doing a song or a dance.

I thought this was supposed to be the Celebrity Apprentice, not the Performance Only Celebrity Apprentice. The Trump hounds are wrong, wrong, wrong about their insistence that Michael Andretti should have taken on this task. As for the female bloodhound’s point that no other task would be better suited to the poor guy, I’d like to point out that this task was about marketing, not driving. A different task that required more behind the scenes logistics would most likely be a better fit for Michael than this challenge. If Ivanka was assigned a task of teaching people how to sew, would she be the best person to do it because she has a clothing line? Clearly from the ill draped pink candy creation she wore this entire episode, doggy girl does not know the first thing about fittings.

Sparky asks the men who should be fired and many people think it should be Lou. But Sparky won’t be letting his piece of man hunk go anytime soon. He’s in love. So he tells the team they aren’t being fair and are not giving Lou a chance. He suggests Lou be the project manager next time if he doesn’t get fired. Lou agrees. That should be interesting!

Sparky tells Adam he has to pick two people to bring back with him to be fired. Adam refuses to pick anyone because he says this whole thing is on him and it is no one else’s fault. Trump announces that if Adam refuses to pick two people then everyone is comeing back to the board room and he is going to fire two people tonight.

The women watching in the other room shriek in disbelief and the men decide that they are punishing Adam for his solidarity. I don’t think so. If we do the math, there are eighteen contestants and only fifteen weeks of show. At some point there have to be multiple eliminations, so this was inevitable. It just so happens that Adam irritated Trump, so he took advantage of the moment.

Amanda tells the men they can return to the boardroom. The trumps watch them enter.

You’ve got a little drool there…

Sparky says he is firing two people since Adam didn’t want to bring anyone back. That makes no sense and is such bullshit. Don’t put this on Adam when you have already decided you want two people gone. Donald tells Adam he has great respect for his reasons for not bringing anyone back and then promptly fires him. I am surprised that he then dismisses Adam and sends him on his way.

So long, very intelligent man with very annoying sense of humor!

But of course Sparky isn’t done. There are bones promised to the children, after all. He hones in on Michael Andretti right away and first claims the team thought he was one of the weakest players. When that is disproven, Sparky points out that Arsenio at least thought it. I would like to think Sparky is smart enough to spot a yes man when he hears one, but apparently not. Arsenio only claimed to think that because he was just baying with the wolves.

Sparky bitches that he told the team he wanted Michael to be the project manager. Michael says if he had known he had to be project manager he would have been. Then Sparky points out he was weak on stage. Michael says he’s not a performer. Sparky says he’s been on stage his whole life he should be used to it. Michael says he’s been on stage with a helmet on.

Everyone on the team thinks the second person to be fired should be Lou. But ultimately, Trump says they didn’t lose because of Lou. They lost because of Michael. And so he fires the ineffective and nice guy for no real reason.

I hope Dad gives me the steering arm.

You’re such an idiot, DJ. The meat is in the legs.

Amanda watches the tearful good-byes as Michael and his team hug it out.

Why does this girl get face time?!?!
(I’m just doing it so I’m not left out of the secret.)

Good-bye, Michael Andretti.

Thanks for never doing anything so stupid that I had to snark it and piss of my friend who is your cousin. You will be missed but truth to tell, I’m sort of releived you are gone. Still, the whole thing seemed like a bogus set-up on the part of the Trumps, didn’t it?

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