Celebrity Apprentice: Season Finale or Root Canal?

YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOGE!

OH MY GOD WHY IS HE YELLING ABOUT DELIVERING THE MOST ENTERTAINING CAST OF STARS EVER!?  Trump, seriously, they have you miked, you don’t have to yell.  Also, one word:  Metamucil.

So now you’re King of Zamunda?

Trump screams at some low-level drones as they roll out a red carpet right before his feet hit the ground as he walks to the studio for his live show.  Could you imagine this douche doing this as president?  Yikes.  He reminds us it’s John against Marlee, and I can’t wait to see what happens after last week’s meltdown debacle of drama.

Really?

The drones run out of red carpet before the studio and almost fall over and Trump tells them they’re both fired.   Ass.  They say this is live but…what a waste of an evening for the people in attendance.  Luckily Don Jr. and Ivanka are there to ease our Trump pain.

Trump says it’s been an amazing season with Richard Hatch against David Cassidy (my, how young we were 11 weeks ago), Meat Loaf against Gary Busey, Nene Leakes versus Dionne Warwick, Nene versus LaToya, Nene versus Star…but outside of that, this cast raised more than $3 million this season.  That’s pretty cool.

Let’s recap…they roll footage of the season, including Meat Loaf crying, Star bitching at Lisa Rinna, NeNe screaming about Casper, Richard calling David Cassidy a little person (heh), Meat calling Star “young woman,” Jose screaming at Richard, NeNe yelling at Star, Meat screaming at Gary.  My God, what a busy season.

Crank up the music…Money money money, mooooney…yes, it does make you do bad things.  I’m in!

Team Marlee is waiting for Geoffrey Holder to show up after last week’s Meat Meltdown™.  Meat’s apparently composed himself and they are just waiting for Geoffrey to show up.  Marlee continues to get her hair fixed and interviews that Meat spent 2 hours getting that worked out.  At least someone on that team has been productive.  Meat sends a car to pick him up, not knowing if he’ll show.  So, uh, that’s it?  No more freaking out, no more losing it?

John is getting his photo shoot done as well as the production of the commercial.  He’s still reeling from the “non-connection” with the road manager of Def Leppard and Lil Jon tries to chill him out.

Well, well, well, guess who showed up?  Geoffrey Holder.  I know, shocking.  They certainly wrapped that up nicely, didn’t they?  I thought for sure the drama would continue for another 20 minutes.  Geoffrey does his “Simply maaahrvalous…Ha! Ha! Ha!” and now I’m starting to remember him.

Over at the Hudson Bar, Team John heads over to get things in order for the show the next night.  John is still being kind of a nudge about this…I feel like it’s out of character for him so I can’t tell if the stress is getting to him or if something else happened off camera that they didn’t show.  I know some Gasmii think he’s really aloof and arrogant, but I don’t get that vibe…however he’s borderline jerky tonight.

John!  This would be perfect for our wedding and I can score us some sponsors!

In the studio, Trump takes this moment to congratulate Ivanka on the impending crying, pooping, shackle around her ankle (she’s due in July) and Don Jr. and his wife on their like 50^th kid.  He shoots, he scores!

Also, those pre-natal pills are really doing it for her hair!

Now back to the competition.  John is really expecting a fight with Def Leppard and he meets the road manager (I guess) and they both hug and act like sensitive new-age guys.  Way to “bow up at them,” John.

Guy speak for “I’m sorry.”

He meets the band and explains about St. Jude’s and tries to show them his passion so they will lighten the f#ck up about the kick drum.  But they don’t and they are total douches about the drum, and instead ask him to get the audience riled up about them coming out by stomping his foot on the stage.  Assholes.

Team Marlee shows up at her venue and she is clueless.  Her team has no direction and Richard is like, yeah, we need to know where this stuff goes.  In her defense, if this is the first time she’s seeing the venue and the stuff in it, she needs some time to figure it out.  I wish I knew more about this was all set up (it would be cool to see a documentary on how this show was actually put together).

Sign language for “I don’t know how to set up a party.”

Richard complains that there was no schedule, no plan, no delegation and no little people to pick on.  Richard and Meat take over and start putting stuff together.  Then LaToya complains about there not being any plan and she interviews that Marlee is not pulling it together and if this continues, “John Rich will win, without a doubt.”

Back with constipated Trump, he welcomes the fired losers of the show and everyone except Jose and Dionne are there.  NeNe really should have re-thought that dress and Gary should have re-thought showing up.

And Star is apparently road-testing bridesmaid’s dresses for her “Big Daddy Rich” nuptials.

Trump begins with David Cassidy, mentions the fight with Richard, then mentions Richard is now in jail.  David cackles and says Richard is in the right place at the right time.  “If you take the low road, where else would you land except a cold slab somewhere?”  Richard is dead?  “I think it was just.”  Bet you wouldn’t have said that if he had been on the show this evening.

Fishing for ratings only meanness can bring, he asks Lisa who her biggest beef was with.  She says, duh, it was on TV, I think the audience can answer that and we hear someone yell, “STAR!”  Laughs all around.  He asks Star how she feels about that.  “It was a competition.  Bring your A-game.”  Thanks, cliché.

Ah, the Gary montage…what a freakshow.  “There are two things you never want to do,” he says, “pat a burning dog or fry bacon naked.”  Why the hell would the dog be burning?  What the hell, Gary?

Trump asks Gary if he’s crazy or crazy like a fox.  Gary says he’s very mysterious when he works and that he’s trained in “neurolinguist programming” which is code for “going through rehab after most of my head smeared on asphalt when I wrecked my bike and catching a few phrases here and there.”  He says he can watch people’s eyes and tell if they are lying or telling the truth or if they are smarter than a fifth grader.   What do my rolling eyes tell you?

Then Gary goes off on the Omaha Steaks Tangent Part 1 and talks about the Father’s Day story fiasco and Trump cuts in because Omaha Steaks didn’t pay for any commercial air time, and asks if Gary likes Meat Loaf.  Trump, don’t confuse Gary with ground beef options.  Gary says he likes Meat, he was” in focus” and just trying to give Meat his space (by getting up in it).

Trump sees there’s no ratings here so he heads over to Meat and asks how he likes Gary.  Meat leans over and hugs Gary and gives him a kiss on the cheek.  Get a room.  Also, don’t cry.  Meat says he understands Gary because he had head trauma and Meat himself had 18 concussions and a fractured skull.  Then you should have been more tolerant when Gary acted so dumb…all the time.

Gary goes on the Omaha Steaks Tangent Part 2 and everyone laughs and claps.  He tries to tell his story again Trump tells Gary to shut up and he moves over to Lil Jon.  He says he was a star before but now everyone knows him.  Lil Jon looks like he really wants to be done with this.  Also, his hair looks like a hip-hop version of Little House on the Prairie hair.

If Laura Ingalls were on crack.

Lil Jon says Gary is great, especially now that he’s had a break from him.  No shit.  He says Gary even hung out with him in Vegas.  He says he had a great time on the show but he’d never do it again because it’s very hard.   Trump asks Gary if he likes Lil Jon and he says yes.  Okay, we get it.

The Gary starts up again with Omaha Steaks Tangent Part 3.  Is he their rep now?  “Mr. Trump, I had the idea of the Father’s Day…” and everyone laughs, “I’m gonna get this finished!” he says.  Bet he’s being paid.  He tells the steak story and mentions the kite…Meat tries to drag Gary offstage but Gary escapes and says that Omaha Steaks is now selling a kite in the shape of ribeye, and he opens the kite and it looks like bikini briefs of a 70 year old man in Mallorca.  Don Jr. cracks up and claps and Trump tells Gary to get out of there.

Now we are back to Team John and he’s talking with the stage manager about how the show should go.  John’s team has tons of signage everywhere, like wallpaper, and they are unbelievably organized.  It looks great.

Spazmo says it’s “the most glorious display I’ve ever seen.”  Dude, get out more.  “It’s like staring at the Mona Lisa except 7Up Retro cans,” he says.  That didn’t even make sense and managed to insult da Vinci at the same time.  Get the Ritalin Retro for this guy, stat.

Star bosses the balloon guys around and interviews that she’s an “event planner extraordinaire.”  Oh, you’re extra-ordinary alright.  “I have given parties for three hundred in my home,” she says.  Yeah, doesn’t count when you call an event company, tell them what you want and walk away.  Also, I threw a party for 50 in one-bedroom apartment in Chicago and you don’t see me bragging about my event skills.  Although they are awesome.

Buuurrrrrppppp.

“I have done a BIG event…” she says, then doesn’t move her mouth much as she quietly spits out, “it was a wedding…might have heard something about it…marriage didn’t go too well…but the wedding sure was fabulous.”  Or as her ex-husband would say, “Faaaah-buuu-lous!”

John meets with people from The Melting Pot restaurant (are they catering?) and they say good luck, we love what you are doing, and oh by the way, here’s a check for $25,000.  Holy shit!  “It’s not even a fundraising task!” he says.  John is really touched.

Team Marlee is falling apart and I’m really worried that the show is setting us up to think that Marlee was going to lose only to have her win.  I like her, I love these two finalists, but John has been the stronger player throughout the entire show.

LaToya interviews that the Harlem Globetrotters will be there in about an hour and they don’t have things ready.  They go to the locker room and Marlee is folding towels for them.  Yeah, uh, YOU’RE FIRED.  Richard then says Marlee is taking on what needs to be addressed and is running with it.  Whatever.

Actually, it’s a pretty cool venue.

Now here’s the weird thing…Marlee had her picture taken in sort of a gray ensemble but the picture with 7Up is of her in jeans and a blue shirt.  Must have been from a different day?  Or did they slap her head on someone else’s body?

The Globetrotters showed up and she says she’s thrilled because she’s such a fan.  Again, I still don’t get them.  When I watch them, I feel like Krusty the Clown when he bet a fortune they’d lose.  He sees them jerking around with the ball and screams at the other team, “Just take it from him!”

EVENT TIME!  Meat is greeting everyone as they enter the gymnasium, then Richard introduces himself, then LaToya and Marlee…Marlee greets Trump and the 7Up executives, and those of you who know the show know that Trump being taken care of followed by the execs being taken care of is JOB ONE.  Anyone who messes that up gets the wrath of Trump.  So Marlee kicked ass.

She also kicks ass on her presentation to the group.  She explains her charity and she’s very eloquent.  Richard says she’s very polished and she is.  Plus, the green dress is the 7Up color, so nice touch.  Then we see Trump holding onto the shoulders of what I thought was his grandkid but then I see Melanie and I realize it’s Baron Von Trump.

Big giant sparkly ball always class da joint up.

Marlee shows the commercial and it looks ridiculous and doesn’t make sense…especially LaToya…but then they show Geoffrey and the 7Up people almost wet themselves as someone says, “Oh my God!”  Marlee admits during her interview that without Geoffrey, it wouldn’t have worked.  No. Shit.

Let’s get to the Trotters.  You hear Trump say to Baron von Trump as he slides him over on the bleacher, “Sit here honey.  These are basketball players.  You’re gonna love it.”  Yeah, unless you have Knicks tickets.

Now let’s get naked!

Aw, Don Jr. is holding one if his kids.  Richard says the Globe Trotters meshed perfectly with the 70s them.  We see Trump smile and say, “Funny, right?” to Melania, who really would rather be anywhere else.  Marlee is happy with how things turned out.  She really shouldn’t be happy with those black stockings and boots, that gives off a very Robin Hood vibe with that green dress.

Actually, this went off really well considering how disorganized they all were, and now I’m worried about John.  Marlee is awfully confident.

Team John!  He’s ready for the evening.  Some guy comes up to John and says they are so proud of what John has done for St. Jude’s that he has a check for $250,000 to give to him even before the event kicks off.  Turns out they were from Dollar General (I tracked it online because the production staff for Celebrity Apprentice were apparently phoning this episode in).  Totally cool and I will totally shop there. So he’s made $275,000 even before the event.

So John’s even begins and Lil Jon and Spazmo are greeting people, handing out goodies and the signage looks AMAZING.  Great idea on the zebra print.

Spazmo in his element – lots of stimulation!

Unfortunately, no one greets Trump, and we know how much he hates that.  Star tells John that Trump is there but John says he’ll meet up with him later, and ANYONE with a RUDIMENTARY KNOWLEDGE of any of the Apprentice finales knows that TRUMP WILL NOT BE IGNORED!   Because if he is, he eats Mothra with A-1 sauce.

Worse?  They didn’t meet the 7Up execs.  Oh. Shit.  OH. SHIT.  This could be bad.  This could be the deciding factor.  But then again, so might the $275,000 he already made.

The last guy who didn’t greet me sleeps with the fishes in Pepsi.

John kicks it off but with no speech.  Oh, John.  They go right into their commercial and people LOVE it. They all howl when Dee Snider turns into Twisted Sister.

I had that same spiral perm in the 80s too!

Then John starts stomping his feet on the stage because Def Leppard are a bunch of douchebags who don’t wanna play a bloody kickdrum, and he sings “7Up is rockin’…” and he really gets the audience going.  Then he screams, “DEF LEPPARD!”  Except he forgot to check to see if Def Leppard was there.  And they aren’t.  They are probably back at the hotel banging the kick drum.

John goes backstage and asks the stage hand what the problem is.  Some f#cking smart ass should have his face slapped into next week because he’s leaning on a podium type thing and says, “It’s early,” like he doesn’t even give a shit.  He says it’s only 6:40 and John had them scheduled at 7pm.  Jesus, wouldn’t you have noticed that they weren’t there?

Not too early to have your nads torn off.

John asks some other guy how long before they’ll be there (duh, 20 minutes, do the math), and some other guy snots, “Seven.”  God, are these mofos with Def Leppard or just assholes from the Hudson Bar?  John freaks.

Star ♥ John LOL

“Unbelievable,” Trump says.  Don Jr. is checking for text messages or tweeting about how cool it was to see Dee Snider.  Star tells Lil Jon, “The band’s rider was for 7 o’clock,” she said.  Seems like someone should have known that.  “And he didn’t know that?” Lil Jon says.  Star shugs like “no shit.”  John worries this will cost St. Jude’s $250K.  That would suck.

Then Star farts.

John’s like screw it, I’ll open for Def Leppard, because you know, they do have the same kinds of fans.  John says he caused the issue, he’ll fix it.  He asks one of the guys for a pick for his guitar and for a split second I thought they were going to be mofo douchebag asswipes about this too, but they must have found one on the floor they could give him once they were done picking their teeth.  Twisted Sister never would have acted like this.

And then I told Def Leppard to suck my Big and Rich…

John goes out and tells audience that Def Leppard is on their way and he’s going to play for them.  First he sings a song for Mr. Trump called “Don’t Fire Me, Mr. Trump.”  It’s pretty funny.  Everyone gets into the music, especially Star who is ready to jump his bones.  He starts the “7Up is rockin’ the country,” and even Don Jr. gets into it with very tight lips.  He needs to buy a pair of jeans.

When did Sally Struthers join the band?

“The only thing better than introducing Def Leppard is introducing them twice,” he says.  I bet telling them to f#ck  off would feel pretty good too.  Them and their backstage flying monkeys!

Hi forehead!  Or should I say high forehead?  Eh, they both work.

Lil Jon says over the loud music (so they closed-captioned it), “I’m proud of you man.”  He says it’s amazing that he was able to raise that much money for St. Jude’s “From my heart dawg,” which at first I thought John said, but it was Lil Jon who finishes with, “I love you, brother.”  Star keeps singing “Pour some sugar on me!”  Yeah, John’s still married.

Take this unity and shove it, Confederate states!

John feels like he could not have done more for the charity that night.  Well, you could have greeted Trump and the executives and had the band there on time, but you know, Marlee had LaToya.

Yeah, he’s drunk.  He just screamed “Freebird!”

Trump meets with the execs and they said both teams did well.  Then one exec says Marlee is a great salesperson and John is a great marketer…and I had a feeling John got it.  They were looking for marketing for their product and Team John nailed that bitch.  Marlee’s sales style came through because she was with them through the event…that won’t be the case at the grocery stores unless they clone her and who has that kind of time or her stem cells?  The zebra print cans?  Stand on their own.

Back in the studio, Trump says 7Up was so happy with the cans, they are using both.  So basically, they are like two Geminis who married but can’t make a decision (note to Crabby Parents:  I’ll be over this weekend to help you pick out new beige carpet).  What’s funny is the two execs hold up the cans and honestly, John’s kicks ASS.

Also, is Lisa going bowling?  She seems to have brought two enormous pieces of equipment with her.  I think they are staring at Star, too.

Now it’s time to do a NeNe montage.  She yells, she screams, she calls LaToya Casper, asks Star where Barbara Walters is, and says, “Game on.”  Yeah, didn’t you quit the next week?

Did she also quit clothing?

Trump says they loved having her on the show but she abandoned them.  She says she has no regrets and did what was best for her at the time.  Trump asks if Star got under her skin and she doesn’t understand what that means…”Did she do what now?” she asks. Everyone laughs because stupidity is funny.  Oh, NeNe, what a shame you quit, quitty-quit-quitter.

Trump says NeNe and Star have both done TV and trashed on each other.  NeNe says she doesn’t hold grudges – do she know what those are, because CLEARLY she does – and she just says she’s being honest.  Trump asks Star what she thinks of NeNe and basically she says she was, “Disheartened that NeNe used this amazing platform to attack every single black woman on the show.”  Oh, man, bitch better have her weave on tight.

NeNe starts talking over Star and Star stays calm and pretty classy for just calling a fellow black woman a racist, and NeNe looks like…what’s the opposite of white trash?   Hmm…anyhoodle, Trump shuts them both up like their pimp.

He gets to LaToya and she cracks up with her little voice.  He asks why she likes NeNe but not Star.  LaToya says that Star was manipulating NeNe, “And when I pointed it out to NeNe, she caught on to it.”  You know Star is right next to you, right?  And she’s black, so stop trashing on her.

“Someday you’re going to get along great,” he says to NeNe and Star.  NeNe says absolutely not and Star says when pigs fly which, if neither of them were wearing Spanx, well…they would be.  And…basically we’re going to drag this shit out for another 54 minutes.

Trump asks Jack, Marlee’s interpreter, how the show has changed his life.  He says people know him wherever he goes, he even gets stopped at the grocery store.  Try not to make eye contact, that’s what I do as rush by them.

Boardroom!  Team John and Team Marlee are there ready to battle it out.  John says he’s very proud of his team and that they built a marketing campaign that could sell “one billion dollars of 7Up.”  He may be right.  Don Jr. looks like he needs to burp.

I shouldn’t have had that 4th chalupa.

He asks Marlee if she won, why?  She says they went all out and completed the task.  Yeah, so did the other team.  Trump tells them they both did a great job – he thought so and so did the 7Up execs.  Now swap materials!

They swap marketing paraphernalia…signage and cans.  John says, “If these were album covers, ours wins.”  He’s right and Team Marlee knows it.  Their can was okay, just not the bomb, yes?  “It’s all about walking in the store and seeing what jumps off the shelf.”  Marlee?  Rebuttal?

I’m going to break glass with this high note…AAAAAOOOOOHHHHH!

Marlee concedes the design is cool but she’s troubled that the can doesn’t have any writing about the charity.  Yeah, THAT IS NOT THE POINT.  That would not make sense and the task had nothing to do with marketing your charity.  Pay attention!  She says it’s a little plain because it’s missing words like refreshing.  Sour grapes.

Trump asks LaToya what she thinks and she says, “It pops.”  Trump says he could see her liking the can and she says she does.  Spazmo says if you walk down the grocery aisle and see both cans, which one are you going to grab?  “It’s not all about the can,” Trump says.  God, he MUST be constipated if he’s this angry about the can.

What about the events?  Marlee loved her event.  Shocking.  Don Jr.!  Please BURP!  Ivanka says the execution of their event was seamless and she liked being greeted as did the execs.  “That was not lost on them.”   Trump agrees and tells John he wasn’t greeted and neither were the execs.  Oops.

Trump wants to know what happened with Def Leppard.  John flat-out says it was his fault and he would not blame anything on Def Leppard, then he does an AMAZING job deflecting this line of questioning by bringing up the amount of money he raised – almost $300,000 – right before they went on.  Marlee’s head whips around and her face gets serious.

Wait, WHAAAT?

“That rattled me,” John said, which may be why he just jumped into the event.  Marlee is pissed and questions if it was a fundraising task.  “I don’t understand,” Jack says for her.  Trump says no, it wasn’t, and he can’t be given credit for that as part of this task…although Trump admits he might do that.    Marlee is floored when she realizes how much money he brought in.

Marlee is PISSED.

Marlee signs that she could “get that anytime if that was the task.  I could have gotten double that!”  Well why didn’t you think of it?  Ivanka says the point was John went above and beyond.  Did he ask for the money or did it just appear out of the kindness of people’s hearts?

John clarifies that he did tell people it was the finale of the show and if they could step up that would be great.  So he DID solicit.  Brilliant.  You know, I checked Dollar General’s site to see if they were connected to John Rich and I did find his album of six songs including “For the Kids” that he performed with Marlee on the finale (oh, that’s coming up) available for purchase or to download the song.  Marlee continues to piss and moan.

I’m going to wear something hideous to the finale because clearly I lost.

Trump tells their teams to get the hell out of there so he can grill Marlee and John.   He tells them it was going to be tough.  He says Marlee raised $1 million for her charity in one night (the art show) and he introduces her to the studio audience…and?  She should be fired for that horrible dress!  Holy shit, she looks about 30 pounds heavier and those cap sleeves make her look like Girl Quarterback.

And clearly she’s here to slay dragons.

John Rich comes out in all black, a blue shirt, and red tie and pocket square.  He hands Trump a black hat…like he’d wear any other color…and he does try it on.  Doesn’t even mess up his hair.

Funny, I imagined him more a Darth Vader mask wearer than a hat wearer.

Trump drags this bitch out like there is no tomorrow…asks them how they liked being on the show, what the charities mean to them, blah, blah, blah.  Seriously, I just spent 15 minutes looking for new hot rollers I was so bored.  Why do they all have those stupid pins that don’t hold the rollers in your hair?

Meat blah-blahs about who he likes to win and takes too long to answer so he moves to NeNe.  “Who do you like?” and she says both.  So does Gary.  Star points out that he’s asking an open-ended question, “We like them both.”  Here’s a close-ended question Star, “Are you a total bitch?”

Star blah-blahs and says she wants John to win because of the extra money he brought in.  Marlee’s head veins are showing.  Lil Jon loves John…LaToya wants John to win…ouch!  You were on Marlee’s team.  David?  He chooses Marlee.  Spazmo chooses John.  “It’s all about charity, right?” Trump says.  And charity begins at home, especially with Trump.

I pick the man!  Because right now I look like a Witch of Eastwick.

Trump asks Marlee if she’s excited.  She is.  Is John?  “I want that check,” he says firmly.  God, we have 29 minutes to go.  Hey, they have Ulta stores in my state now!

They show Marlee in Kenya at one of the Starkey mission locations.  It shows these little kids getting hearing aids, hearing for the first time and it’s pretty moving.  One lady hears her daughter say “Mama” for the first time…and she’ll probably be telling the kid to shut the hell up by dinner time.  Also, I see kids given hearing aids that probably won’t be encouraged to attend school because, you know, they are girls.

I wish I could make fun of this but even I can’t.

Next up is St. Jude’s.  We see John going to one of the facilities to meet with the kids, one of which had a brain tumor and chemo treatments and he’s been ill for a year.  Yeah, that’s fair.  He meets another girl who likes to write songs and John is really overwhelmed.

Also, this group doesn’t care about kick drums.

He sings them songs and I’m not sure how he made it through that.  He interviews and is completely choked up.  I love this guy and would fight Star to the death for him.  Or just for the heck of it, her last comment about the open-ended question is still pissing me off.

And I hope the names behind him are of the kids who are okay now.

Back in the studio, John and Marlee sing “For the Kids” song.  John sings, Marlee signs and suddenly I’m back in 5^th grade in a Christmas concert doing “Silent Night.”  That song doesn’t go any faster when you sign versus sing.  Oh, look!  A bunch of Marlees!

Stayin’ alive!  Stayin’ alive!

Trump asks who thinks John should win…almost everyone.  Marlee?  Like 4 hands.  Too bad Marlee isn’t blind, she’d probably be hurt.  Lisa says it’s because she’s done a great job even though originally she thought it would be John.   Put your boobs back in your dress.

Trump makes Marlee and John beg for the award.  Marlee gives this whole long spiel about herself…how she fought barriers growing up, once she won her Academy Award, and like him she won’t take no for an answer.  She talks about herself and what she did to raise money for her charity.  She gets a little needy and seems to beg.  Don’t play into that!

I wore this dress because it’s chilly in the studio and I didn’t want you to see my pointy nips!

John takes a different approach, not that it matters…Trump is just playing with his toy things and he’s already made the decision which one he going to set on fire with his yoooge magnifying glass and the sun.  John talks about St. Jude, what the charity means to people and how he looks at the whole season as a body of work.  He then does list what he did (he practiced) and he says absolutely believes he did a better job than Marlee.  She disagrees because he never saw her work.  John says he was project manager more times than anyone.

More importantly, I had a colonic this afternoon and it really cleared things up!  Time for jokes!

Don Jr. says, “He did just get you to wear a cowboy hat on TV,” and everyone laughs.  He must have gotten over that gassy feeling from the boardroom.  “He’s a wise-ass,” Trump says about Don Jr.  His hair looks great, too.  Ivanka says that the decision is so hard speaks well to both of their efforts.

If that necklace is from the Ivanka Jewelry Collection, it probably costs $50,000.

Trump does that bullshit where he says there are no losers right before he fires someone…then he wrings the very last out of the two finalist…GET TO THE WINNER!

Trump says this was the toughest decision of all of his shows…tells Marlee she’s raised over a million and she’s done an incredible job.  He tells John he’s been a strong leader and Trump couldn’t have asked for more.

“I’m going to do something a little different tonight,” Trump says, and I think he’s going to call it a tie and give both of them $250,000.  “The winner of Celebrity Apprentice 2011 is…John Rich!”  Everyone screams!  John is thrilled.  He hugs Marlee then Lil Jon.  They don’t show Marlee.  Confetti goes everywhere and we hear Star say, “Congratulations!”

I love you man!

This is going to be a great party…can’t wait to hear John speak.

“Goodnight folks,” Trump says and the credits roll.

What the hell just happened?

Wait!  What the f#ck?  What was different?  No speeches?  No close-ups?  And now an ad for a commercial about a new series about the Playboy Club starring cheater Eddie Cibrian?  A series that won’t last more than 4 episodes?  Are you kidding me?  Straining to get two hours worth of true entertainment out of that finale and it’s over in 20 seconds?

Just like Trump to finish quickly.  Prick.

I did a little research and I guess what was different was that he didn’t fire Marlee before hiring John.  I’m sure that made her feel soooo much better about losing $250,000 for her charity.

Well, that’s it Gasmii!  I’m glad John Rich won, he’s cool and I think he earned it.  Now that the show is over, I’m back to Toddlers & Tiaras for the season premiere mid-June.  Hope you join me for another bat-shit crazy season!  Thanks for reading and commenting!