PREVIOUSLY ON CELEBRITY REHAB…
Like a smacked-ass, Dr. Drew smugly deduced that Jeremy and Melissa’s marital problems were drug related; we learned Gummi has daddy issues; and Leif, who is a peaceful person, performed rhythmic gynmastics as he fled the building.
WHAT WE HAVE TO LOOK FORWARD TO IN THIS EPISODE…
Eric Roberts is pissed because he never gets what he deserves. Meanwhile Rachel packs and appears to be leaving.
EVENING OF DAY 5
“Peaceful Person” Leif Garrett goes outside and yells to the pool “This is stupid.” Then he goes back inside to the workout room and yells “Dammit!” He crawls into a corner in the weight room and hides.
Leif in his Bowflex of Solitude.
Gummi finds him and asks Leif if he would like to be alone. Leif snaps, “Yes!!!”
Leif – “Exercise ball, how do you put up with asses sitting on you all day?”
Back in Gummi’s room, he tells Jason he thinks Leif will stay…if they barricade him in the gym. Rachel walks in and announces the room smells and points out an apple core under Gummi’s bed. Momentarily distracted by Gummi’s apple core butt-plug, they then return to the topic at hand: Leif.
Gummi says he told Leif rehab is the Game of Life. Gummi explains that withdrawal from opiates is the worst because your brain is going like a 100 miles an hour. Camera cuts to Jason.
Jason – “So, if your brain is going a 100 miles an hour can it get a ticket for speeding?”
Gummi assures Rachel and Jason that if Leif leaves right now, he will go use.
In the other room, Leif leaves his Bowflex of Solitude and climbs into bed.
Leif – “Dear God, it’s me Leif. If you can stop answering period questions for 5 minutes, I’d like to remind you that I was ‘Made for Dancing’.”
DAY 6 7 A.M.
Shelly makes the wake-up call rounds as a depressing One Tree Hill song plays. I half expect to see the sequinty eyed-face of Chad Michael Murray peering back at me from behind a door.
“I’m here for brooding. My lips…won’t…stop…pouting. HELP ME DR. DREW!!!”
Dr. Drew narrates that the patients are forming a cohesive group and were able to prevail upon Leif to stay. Prevail upon, huh Dr. Drew? A little dramatic aren’t we?
Dr. Drew says that even this morning Eric Roberts is finally opening up to the group at breakfast. Eric, who is looking a tad like Andy Warhol today, reveals that he has a wife and her name is Liza.
Eric Roberts – “You thought I meant Minelli? Fuck that shit. There can only be one queen Roberts in this house and that’s me!”
Janice asks “How did you meet?” Eric replies “On an airplane.”
Eric – “I asked if she wanted to see a snake on a plane.”
Eric explains he got together with his current wife after he split with the mother of his child. Janice asks if his kid’s mother is a good mom. Eric gets defensive and refuses to talk about it on camera. Janice apologizes, and Eric says it’s just too stressful to talk about. So stressful that it makes him do this weird tongue thing and lick his lips.
There is an awkward pause. Finally Eric says he wants to clear the air and let everyone know that the mother of his child is a good mother. Janice is like thank you and Eric randomly gets up and cuts her off, asking “Do we take this anywhere?” (referring to his plate and silverware)
Dr. Drew tells us Eric’s withdrawal symptoms are causing him to be easily agitated and super sensitive, like Rosie O’Donnell on the rag.
GROUP THERAPY TIME…
Dr. Drew warns us that many of the patients are on edge and that this time can be a treacherous point in their recovery.
Everyone sits down.
Bob – “Okay let’s get this shit over with. I have a BJ and steak lined up this afternoon.”
Everyone looks thrilled to be there, especially Leif.
Leif – “I’m as peaceful as a white votive candle.”
Dr. Drew asks the group to nominate who they think will stay sober. Everyone raises their hands.
Jason – “Me and ‘Abominable Kristin Cavalleri Snow Bitch’ Sweater are gonna beat this bitch.”
Bob being the glass is half-full realist reminds everyone that “What we do and think we will do are two different things.” Leif looks defeated.
Leif – “So you’re telling me I’m stuck here? I didn’t actually horcrux myself?”
Bob points out that Leif has been going through a lot. He says some parts of Leif want to leave. Leif scoffs “Parts of me? How about all of me!!” Leif admits that the only reason he is still in rehab is because he committed to the group, and the group asked him to stay.
Dr. Drew looks over at Eric and asks him to share some things from their powerful therapy season. Eric is like uh no.
Bob tries to get Eric to regress. He asks him “What was age 7 like for you?” Eric says he was a stutter-er. He often was beat up as a result.
Eric says his safe place is between the ears: acting. Bob thinks Eric is still stuck in that safe place, even today. Eric says acting was his safe haven because he could be many different people.
Jeremy – “Acting is my safe place too. I’m currently playing the role of Jimbo the Chinless Chimney Sweep.”
Leif cuts in. He has remembered a repressed memory. When he was in grade school the boys used to beat him up for looking like a girl.
Leif – “Today Bieber gets lauded for his hair. In my day, I got an atomic wedgie and a heroin addiction.”
Leif says the only time he stood up for anybody was for his little sister. He never stood up for himself; he just ran away. Bob tells Leif his 7-year-old scenario is the same thing he was doing last night: running away.
Bob explains that the addict is always trying to run home, but there is no home because the internal home is a fucking nightmare. Whoa Bob, that is deep. Bob, you need to take Dr. Drew’s job.
Dr. Drew and Bob equate getting high with running away. They both tell Leif “Don’t run away.” Leif gets teary-eyed and sighs that he didn’t run away this time. Camera cuts to Jeremy.
Jeremy – “Kidnapping isn’t the same as running away.”
Dr. Drew looks over at Jeremy. Jeremy reveals that yesterday when he heard Leif was leaving, he had a really hard time trying not to cry. Jeremy says the reason why is he knew that Leif was going to use and die. Jeremy looks pensive as Leif tears up. I think Jeremy was acting.
MORNING MEDITATION WITH SHELLY….
Shelly wants to talk about powerlessness.
Eric Roberts – “Powerlessness is not having enough Cowbell.”
Janice thinks Rachel should answer this topic because she knows what being powerless is. Rachel is like say what?!?! Janice tells Shelly nevermind Rachel doesn’t get it. After a 30 second delay, Rachel surmises that the first question is about being powerless over your addiction.
Shelly adds that the term surrender is essential to the first step. Janice asks Rachel “Do you get that?”
Leif says he can have a glass or two of wine with dinner and be fine. Shelly goes “Yeah, but you’re a dope fiend.” Frankie literally spits “Ain’t that a bitch.”
Everyone yells at Shelly for calling Leif a dope fiend. Shelly apologizes.
Jeremy comments to Eric “Janice has to answer for everybody.”
Janice says that Shelly hates everyone. Frankie asks Shelly “So where’d you get your Ph.D?” Shelly gets offended and cancels meditation.
DAY 7, 7 A.M.
A black cat sits in a chair with Jason and Frankie. Frankie wonders aloud what the cat is thinking.
Jason – “He’s thinking get the fuck away from me.”
Bwhahaa. Good one JWahl.
Gummi Bear comes up behind Frankie and attempts to snatch her wig off much to Jason’s amusement. Frankie threatens to bitch slap Gummi.
Inside Gummi tells Frankie she is really starting to annoy him. Frankie snaps,
“Rehab is about expressing your feelings so shut the fuck up.”
Gummi tells Frankie to shut the fuck up and listen for once in her life. Frankie replies if she listens to Gummi she will be back to square one: relapsing. Gummi snickers if she leaves rehab he might have a chance at sobriety. Jeremy looks up from his book and shakes his head muttering “She’s just a child.” Cee-lo-”Fuck Yous” are exchanged. Jeremy tells Frankie to grow-up. Gummi repeats “Grow-up” and throws in:
Gummi – ‘You’re a 50-year-old woman on menopause for God’s sake.”
Gummi yells “You’re not Keyshia Cole!!!” Frankie yells back “If I was Keyshia Cole she would have slapped the hell out of you.”
IN THE BATHROOM….
Shelly goes into the bathroom and cleans up. Dr. Drew asks to talk to Shelly.
Dr. Drew narrates that the patients are currently really irritable. Camera cuts to outside.
Gummi – “I want a non-fat latte…” Janice – “How about I shove this coffee up your ass?” Gummi – “Why I’d love a Vanna White special.”
IN DR. DREW’S OFFICE…
Shelly says she is okay. Dr. Drew is a drama queen and tells Shelly he is currently rocky.
Dr. Drew thinks his patients aren’t being hostile, but really, really mean. His plan is to keep the peace.
DAY 7 CONTINUES…
Dr. Drew narrates that at this point in recovery the patients should be leaning on one another. Instead they are isolating or agitating each other.
While using Gummi for a pillow, Janice lays back and starts talking about this Play Boy shoot she did. She had to drink six Africano beers to climb atop alligators, on all fours and stick her ass out. Gummi is like OMFG.
On the otherside of the patio, Jason asks Eric “How are you doing?” Eric replies not good. Today they are supposed to be reaching out and helping someone. Janice’s personality repells Eric. Camera cuts to Janice saying “You should buy one of my super model eggs. They’re a million bucks a pop.”
Then Janice yells “Where’s my popsicle, Frankie??!?!”
Jason – “That’s what she said.” Eric Roberts – “Good one, kid.”
Dr. Drew narrates if left unchecked Eric Roberts agitation will effect his sobriety. Camera cuts to Eric Roberts coming around the corner wearing this.
Eric – “Oopsy. Nip slip again.”
ERIC’S SIT DOWN WITH DR. DREW…
Dr. Drew wants Eric in this session to express his emotions. Eric tells Dr. Drew that today he feels despondent. He thinks meditation was a joke. Dr. Drew brushes off Eric’s concerns about group meditation. He wants to know more about Eric’s sadness.
Dr. Drew throws out the fancy phrase “trauma associated dead spots” or in layman’s terms ”emptiness.” Eric is like “That’s it!!!” Then it sounds like he’s hyperventiliating as he cries.
Dr. Drew tells us Eric had a huge break-through today. Eric is actually experiencing feelings that register on the Care Bears Caring Meter.
Eric Roberts registers 2 ‘caring ball taps’ on the Caring Meter.
Dr. Drew again reiterates that the patients are experiencing irritability. Montage of Gummi yelling to Janice that he needs hair spray and Janice snapping “Pull your fly up.”
Outside Frankie calls Gummi ugly and Gummi retorts “You’re so ugly you got a face only a mother could hate” resulting in a loud laugh from Jason.
Just another comedy night at the Apollo.
Frankie flips a bitch. She tells everyone no one can ever talk about her mama. Damn! Guess Wilmer Valderrama won’t be stopping by anytime soon.
Jeremy yells for everyone to shut up. Frankie and Gummi’s fighting escalates with Gummi snatching Frankie’s lighter.
Gummi smokes his cigarettes with Frankie’s lighter and announces the most hilarious thing I think I’ve heard his say so far. “Frankie, you should marry Lindsay Lohan’s father.” Bwhahahahaha.
Jason – “Oh yeah, here come the fire crotch jokes.”
Gummi throws Frankie’s lighter and instructs her to “Go fetch.” Shelly tells Gummi to go get the lighter. Gummi replies “Negative. I refuse to stick my hand in a plant on account of what happened to Rick Moranis.” Shelly tells Gummi to go to his room. Jason laughs again. Gummi wants to know if he’s having a time out.
Shelly stands her ground. Gummi tells her “And to prove a point I’m going to the room because I won’t pick the lighter up.”
Dr. Drew narrates that Gummi and Frankie’s childish behavior is normal during this point in recovery. Now Rachel and Janice are turning on each other too. Janice accuses Rachel of being a socialite, born with a silver spoon up her ass. Hmm maybe not born, but I’m sure she would have let Tiger put one up there. Jeremy eavesdrops outside of their door. When he realizes he’s not going to jump into a three-way, he walks away.
Rachel vents to Jeremy about Janice. Jeremy tells Rachel her “brain age” is so much different than Janice’s. He thinks Rachel’s brain is more mature than Janice’s.
RACHEL’S SESSION WITH DR. DREW…
Dr. Drew asks Rachel if it has been a tough day for her. Rachel clacks her gum and says she doesn’t feel like talking about it.
Rachel – “These Billy the Bass Fillet O’Fish lips aren’t moving.”
Rachel’s silence lasts all of 5 seconds. She starts venting about Janice. She doesn’t want to be Janice’s door mat anymore. Janice is impeding her own therapy. Rachel calls Dr. Drew out on how he doesn’t stop Janice from interjecting when others are trying to share their feelings and making it all about her.
Dr. Drew says he doesn’t know what she’s talking about. He asks Rachel if she is accusing him of lying. Rachel is like I never said that. She is merely trying to point out that he lets Janice get away with stuff.
NIGHT OF DAY 7…
Dr. Drew narrates that withdrawal symptoms and dealing with Janice Dickinson have conspired to get Rachel to leave treatment. Yeah, like two inanimate objects can conspire, Dr. Drew.
Rachel packs her things. She needs a bag for her shoes so they bring her a trashbag.
Rachel – “You want me to walk out of here with a trashbag? What about a paper bag?” Loesha – “You know we don’t allow scissors. How will you see your cab?”
Rachel walks to the door carrying her bags.
Hefty’s Ho-Bag Collection. (A subsidiary of Derelict)
Outside she climbs into her Dick Tracy cab and exclaims,
Rachel – “Calgon, take me away!!”
Next time on Celebrity Rehab: the patients discover Rachel is missing. Leif is pissed that Rachel convinced him to stay and then she bailed. Frankie and Gummi’s fighting intensifies and Janice finally has her epic panic attack. See you guys next week!!!