Celebrity Rehab 4: Leif-ing Rehab?!?!?

PREVIOUSLY ON CELEB REHAB 4…

Janice threatened to commit suicide and fought with Gummi Bear. Jason Wahler was just as boring as he was on Laguna Beach/Hills, nobody truly believed Jeremy London’s kidnapping story, Rachel was addicted to love and Frankie flipped a bitch when she realized the Powers That Be were watching her get naked on camera.

WHAT TO LOOK FORWARD TO IN THIS EPISODE…

Frankie’s disease is talking to her…literally.

“Frankie, Jack here. Look I poured you a glass. Oh see this fiddle? And if you’d care to take a dare, I’d make a bet with you.”

Rachel makes an emergency call at the bowling alley. Apparently she is now addicted to bowling shoes, and Leif storms down the hall and out of the building, assaulting lamp fixtures along the way with his jacket. The lamps don’t take kindly to synthetic rayon.

FRANKIE’S RANT…

We pick up from where episode 2 left off: Frankie shouting that people are looking at her “NEKKID” body.

Frankie – “What do you mean there is an “A” in naked? It’s NEKKID.”

Dr. Drew tells us it’s the end of Day 3 and Frankie is threatening to leave treatment. Program Administrator Shirley Bennett is filled in on the Frankie situation. Shirley goes to talk to Frankie. She tells Frankie her disease is talking to her. Frankie is like “My disease ain’t talking to me.” At least Frankie isn’t hearing voices at this point. Shirley tells us she has calmed Frankie down for now, but she’ll probably explode again. Yes!! Looking forward to it, Shirley.

DAY 4, 6 A.M.

A fun coffee song plays.

The best part of wakin’ up is peeing in a drug test cup.

The camera pans through the center seeing people get drinks, Eric Roberts smoking and Gummi Bear rising from his propofol induced slumber.

“VOLTRON FORCE, ASSEMBLE!!! Oh it’s just you, Shelly. Care to form…the head?”

Eric Roberts proudly declares he has lost a pound since he’s been at the center. Jeremy is like no fucking way.

Eric Roberts – “Suck on that Julia! Good luck losing peri-menopausal girth.”

Eric chuckles “People will be like you went in 180 and came out 165? What were you doing crack?” Jeremy jokes that they have Eric on a cocaine patch. The two laugh. Ah drug jokes.

Day 4 9 a.m.: GROUP TIME…

Everyone files in for group time with Dr. Drew.

Gummi – “Jeremy, did you ever hook up with Mary Camden?” Jeremy – “No.” Gummi – “Did Mrs. Camden flash you her tits?” Gummi – “No.” Gummi – “Man, you’re lame.”

For this session Dr. Drew wants to go over some concepts.

Dr. Drew – “Jazz hands are the perfect coping mechanism.”

Jason – “Can we substitute sparkle gloves with golf gloves?”

Dr. Drew – “Yes.” Bob – “Jesus Christ, you Laguna brats and your golf.”

The first concept is genetic burden and an environmental trigger. For example trauma.

Gummi Bear – “I experienced trauma when I couldn’t find Jello Pudding pops.”

Frankie – “Ohhhh jello, how I could use a jello shot right about now.”

Jeremy raises his hand, asking for permission to share something. Ooo what is it, Patty Hearst? Jeremy says his wife Melissa was sooo into the Ambien thing that she got Ambien from her drug dealer.

Bob – “Let me guess, Freddy Krueger was kidnapping her, taking her on drug-filled joy rides and making 2 a.m. Waffle House stops?”

Jeremy explains that his wife took so much Ambien that she flipped her Hummer four times with their child in the car. Janice, a fellow mother, gasps in horror.

Janice – “This is the church, this is the steeple, open the doors and here is my MIDDLE FINGER, MELISSA LONDON!! You bastard!!!”

Jeremy continues. He tells everyone he went to the hospital not knowing what condition the two were in. When he got there his wife’s face was split wide open with her lip hanging off.

Janice – “Eww that’s some straight up Sally ‘Nightmare Before Christmas’ Rag Doll shit right there.”

Then he went to check on his son and the baby was getting a cat-scan, strapped down crying. The doctors had to pump drugs into the baby to calm him down.

Leif – “I wish someone would pump some drugs into me.”

Rachel chimes in that the average dosage of Ambien is 5 to 10 miligrams, but she was up to 30-40.

Rachel – “I was like I can’t quit you sleep. I want to sleep with you sleep.”

Rachel goes on to say that the Ambien made her do crazy things. Umm like fuck married men?

Janice tells Jeremy she is so sorry. Everyone goes silent. Dr. Drew turns to Gummi Bear and asks him to share.

Gummi shares he learned pretty quickly in life that money doesn’t give you everything. He basically grew up without a father, surrounded by security guards.

Gummi – “At the age of 5, I thought my one security guard, RoboLizaMinelli, was my father. Then I cut myself in a freak Ghostbusters truck accident and needed a blood transfusion. That was when I met my real father, the only one with my blood-type: AB+ Fructose Syrup Gelatin.”

Bob – “No shit.” Dr. Drew – “Go on…”

Gummi – “But my Grandfather Scrooge McDuck was great to me. He let me swim in his money vault and pinch Mrs. Beakley’s ass. But now he’s dead.”

Bob – “And I bet you lost your virginity to Magica De Spell.”

Bob offers Gummi his assessment. Gummi needs to be loved and mentored but his dad isn’t available. Bob asks Gummi what does he want.

Gummi says he just wants a dad who he can turn to. Bob and Dr. Drew bluntly tell Gummi he doesn’t have that option. Gummi goes silent. Bob looks at everyone and tells them “Now you can see what’s wrong with Gummi.” Dr. Drew tells the group they need to give Gummi their ears and attention. Let Gummi know that they hear him.

Dr. Drew thanks everyone for coming and dismisses them.

12 p.m. OUT AT THE POOL…

Jeremy and Rachel chat. Jeremy reveals to Rachel that he has been married four years and knew his wife for 7 years before that. Rachel, like Pavlov’s dog, starts moving her lips and salivating.

Rachel – “Ohh four years. That makes me soo hot. You know what other married man I think is hot? Carl Winslow.”

Dr. Drew tells us approximately one week before treatment they received a distress call from Jeremy.

Jeremy – “Windmills, carry the distress message that I painted with all the colors of the wind.”

He had just gone through his apparent kidnapping incident.

Jeremy’s paint-by-number distress message.

Dr. Drew reveals that Jeremy and Melissa, afraid for their lives, went into hiding from the kidnappers and media. Dr. Drew sent Bob to check out what was going on.

Bob – “I always get stuck with this shit. There better be an In-N-Out Burger on the way or I’m going to have a bitch fit.”

Bob mutters “Jeremy is telling us Melissa is going to die blah blah blah…..addicts…it’s a fucking mess.” I think Bob is my favorite person on this show. ; )

Bob pulls up to the rundown hotel and let’s us know that the Londons have lost custody of their kid. The door opens.

OMG It’s Loni Anderson and Charro’s love child!!!

Bob asks the two if the kids are safe. Jeremy reassures Bob that their kid is so safe.

Melissa – “Our kid is in state custody. The Chuckie Doll can no longer harm him.” Jeremy – “Thank god. I should never have bought him from that peddler Annie Camden recommended.”

Melissa explains that their kid was taken away because they were both self-medicating. Bob assures the two that they will get help. Melissa and Jeremy head outside. Jeremy tells her how proud of her he is.

JEREMY AND MELISSA’S MEETING WITH DR. DREW…

Dr. Drew tells us that now that Jeremy and Melissa are both sober, it’s time for the two to meet face-to-face for a therapy session.

The two recap their relationship and explain how they were going to get divorced. Then they fight over Jeremy making up more stories like directing a movie in Miami and calling the cops to have Melissa removed from the house.

Dr. Drew thinks he has it all figured out. Jeremy and Melissa’s dysfunctional relationship is what helps fuel their drug use.

Dr. Drew – “Put it in the hoop like slam… and that’s how I beat Shaq.”

CLEANING THE DISEASED RHINO’S WOUNDS…

Dr. Drew tells us that in addition to treating Gummi Bear for opiates, they are also treating him for wounds related to a cooking accident.

Gummi Bear – “I was trying to cook Jiffy Pop, but my friend didn’t have gloves so I left to find some. When I got back the tinfoil was as big as in Scary Movie. The Jiffy Pop exploded and instead of raining men, it rained hot fiery kernels of hell and burned holes into my arms that would put McKenzie Phillips’ track marks to shame.”

Dr. Drew pulls back the bandages and looks at the flesh wounds. Shelly starts to feel sick. Dr. Drew helps her to the couch and removes her gloves.

Dr. Drew – “Btw Shelly, you won’t be needing these glasses anymore. You are starting to show signs of…soap poisoning!!!”

Dr. Drew puts a plastic bin next to the couch and walks away, telling Shelly to think positively. Yeah, like that works. One year I had the most horrific stomach flu right before grad school graduation. I remember crying, muttering I don’t want to throw-up anymore, blehhhhhh. Yeah, thinking positively totally worked.

Dr. Drew voices over that Gummi’s physical wounds will heal, but it will take time for his emotional wounds to heal.

OUT AT THE POOL…

Jeremy and Jason want Gummi eat. Jason looks at Gummi and asks Jeremy “How do you let yourself get like that?”

Jeremy says because Gummi had servants. Rachel retorts “But not anymore. Also he’s lost a 100 pounds.”

Jason – “Yeah because he’s smoking heroin. That’s why he still weezes.”

Jeremy replies to Rachel “I appreciate that you’re sticking up for him, but he’s a lazy bastard and needs to fix it.”

Gummi walks over to the trio. They inform the Gum Bear that they are springing an intervention on him: getting him into tip-top shape.

Rachel instructs Gummi Bear to put the taco down. Gummi replies “It’s protein.” Rachel wants Gummi to know that they were talking about him and want to help him.

Gummi reveals he wishes he was more independent.

INSIDE…

Gummi explains to Shelly that he is very into Buddhism right now and that’s why he isn’t wearing shoes. Then he has problems opening the door.

Gummi – “Open sesame…seed bun with two all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles…” Shelly – “Just get the hell in the room.”

Gummi tells Dr. Drew that he thinks he can’t do normal things like laundry and it’s embarrassing. Gummi feels like he’s not good enough, his life is a joke.

Gummi pauses. Dr. Drew asks what’s wrong? Gummi says he just had a moment in his head. He remembers when his father used to hit him. Gummi realizes why he does what he does. His problem is he doesn’t know how to deal with things.

Dr. Drew tells Gummi emptiness is a hard thing to fix. He wants Gummi to start with little things like cleaning his room and eating healthier.

BOWLING ALLEY…

To reward everyone for their hard work, Dr. Drew takes the addicts for some sober recreation: BOWLING!!! Because alcoholics like Frankie want to be within 3 feet of a pitcher of beer, love-a-holics like Rachel near married men and drug addicts like Leif near a can of foot spray.

Eric bowls a strike. That Roberts family….so talented.

Gummi granny bowls and is successful.

While everyone is having fun, Dr. Drew notices that Rachel receives a disturbing phone call. Turns out Rachel’s media reps are concerned that news of her in rehab is causing a media firestorm.

Jeremy’s Rachel Uchitel paint-by-number picture.

Dr. Drew is shocked people would rather see Rachel get berated on Trump’s show instead of getting help on his show. Rachel doesn’t know what to do: stay or leave.

DAY 4: 9 P.M.

Rachel fills Janice and Jeremy in on what her media rep told her. Rachel thinks everyone wants to see her fall. Janice is like “No, you’re on a comeback right now.” Rachel doesn’t think so. She isn’t an actor or model. Thank you Rachel, for realizing that you are not a real celebrity but neither are half of the other people in that house.

Jeremy tells Rachel now is her chance to really show people who she is. Janice adds “This is a safe place here.”

Janice – “Tyra Banks can’t step one foot in this door.”

Janice and Jeremy offer Rachel their support.

DAY 5: 7:30 A.M.

Dr. Drew tells us Leif’s detox from heroin is resulting in irritable and unpredictable behavior.

Janice walks up to Leif and offers to help him with his problems. Leif snaps “Yeah, don’t talk to me.” Here is Janice’s reaction.

Janice’s shocked face and Hoover vacuum pose.

Shelly announces it’s time for morning mediation. Leif requests to meditate inside because it’s cold outside. Shelly replies “No, because this is where we do it.” Leif mocks her. Leif asks “What? We can’t change?”

Eric – “I can change. Look I’m wearing an erase racism shirt.”

Shelly asks who wants to talk about surrender? Leif bitches and then gets up, saying he wants to go lay down.

Shelly calmly announces she is just going to stay in the moment. Janice adds she will stay in the moment too. Leif mutters “Stay in the fucking moment, man” as he walks inside.

Gummi Bear interjects “I’m sorry, but can I say something? All he does is bitches and complains.”

Gummi Bear – “He needs to get laid. I heard Nicolette Sheridan dumped Michael Bolton a while ago. Added bonus: he could probably get high off of all of the fillers in her face.”

BEACH OUTING….

Dr. Drew takes his little Annettes and Frankies to the beach for some sober R&R.

Montage of playing football on the beach.

Frankie asks Janice for a beer out of the cooler. Frankie is like haha I got ya! Janice screams “No, don’t do that Frankie, it’s a trigger.”

Everyone notices Leif is on edge. Dr. Drew asks Leif how he is doing.

Leif – “This iPod you gave me has nothing but Muzzy French recordings. I don’t know what ‘pour toute la vie’ means.”

Leif tells Dr. Drew he wants to leave the show. He is sick of the childish banter from the others in the house. It’s making him want to use. Camera pans over to Frankie cackling.

Dr. Drew manages to calm Leif down a tad.

Suddenly Dr. Drew notices Leif is leaving the beach. Dr. Drew follows Leif back to the van. Leif claims he just wanted to listen to music. Dr. Drew is like okay and leaves Leif in the car.

Dr. Drew tells us he is very concerned about Leif’s sobriety right now.

VAN RIDE HOME…

Leif wants to give Jeremy his number before he splits tonight. Jeremy is like whoa.

Leif – “I know what I’m going to do tomorrow and the next day and the next year and the year after that. I’m shaking the dust of this crummy little town off my feet and I’m going to see the world. Italy, Greece, the Parthenon, the Colosseum. Then I’m coming back here and go to college and see what they know . . . and then I’m going to build things. I’m gonna build air fields. I’m gonna build skyscrapers a hundred stories high. I’m gonna build bridges a mile long . . .

Leif can’t deal. To emphasize Leif’s point the camera zooms in on Gummi Bear making noises. Leif tells everyone he is leaving tonight. The others try to convince him to stay.

Inside the rehab center, Rachel tries to calm Frankie down, but Frankie says Leif is being a cop-out.

Gummi apologizes for his fighting with Janice and tries to convince Leif to stay. Leif tells Gummi he needs to stop the bantering and be more mature.

Leif keeps repeating that he can’t do this. He’s a peaceful person. Then he walks down the hall and does this.

Leif being a peaceful person…by performing rhythmic gymnastics.

TO BE CONTINUED…

Next week on Celebrity Rehab 4: Eric Roberts whines he will never get what he wants and Rachel threatens to leave by climbing in a Dick Tracy cab.