Celebrity Rehab 4: National Enquir..WTF!?!?

PREVIOUSLY ON CELEBRITY REHAB 4…

Eric reunited with his estranged step-son, Gummi Bear claimed he was being held hostage, and our rehabbers took a quaint trip to a Lake House retreat where they reconnected with family members like Neffeteria.

WHAT TO LOOK FORWARD TO IN THIS EPISODE…

The patients meet with previous seasons’ rehabbers, Jeremy ‘Chins’ London finds out about his wife’s duplicity, and Leif Garrett doesn’t want to be treated like a child: he’s a 48-year-old man!

DAY 15…

Dr. Drew tells us it’s day 15 and in less than a week the patients will be leaving the safety of rehab. We pick up from where we last left off: Leif heading inside the restaurant with Bob chasing after him.

Inside Bob screams at Leif “What are you doing?” Leif replies, “I just want to see something.”

Leif – “I wanted to see if this hallway and bar would work for Rhythmic Gymnastic Practice Happy Hour.”

Bob tells us by the time he got to Leif, Leif had already ordered a beer and claimed that he didn’t drink it. Outside Rachel asks “Shouldn’t Leif be allowed to try a drink right now and see how he’d react?”

Rachel – “Look at me, I’m around a married man like ‘Chins’ and under normal circumstances he would have given me a Cleveland Steamer by now.”

Shelly is like fuck no. Leif approaches the table and Rachel tells him she just stood up for him. Shelly gets pissed and snaps “It’s not about standing up for people, it’s about who is in charge. You guys have to do what we say”. Naturally this incites the ire in Leif. And check out his talking with a cigarette in his mouth skills. Leif, you are a Nordic Marlboro God!

Leif – “What do you mean you’re in charge?”

Leif – “I’m 48-years-old! Gawd I feel like I’ve been raped in the face.”

Shelly scoffs that Leif has been through lots and lots of rehabs. Leif retorts that he’s only been to one. Shelly snaps back “Well, you must know something that I don’t know.”

Camera cuts to Shelly who tells us ordering a drink in rehab is not cool nor is proclaiming to have been ‘raped in the face’ through song.

Shelly – “I didn’t need to hear a song about being “Raped in the Face”.”

Once again Rachel opens her Billy the Bass Fillet O’Fish lips and wants to know why isn’t better for Leif to have a beer with them, in the safety of a rehab environment? Shelly replies because. Rachel wants to know if Leif should try having a beer alone. Shelly is like “I said no!”

Gummi Bear chimes in. He thinks Leif should drink a beer in front of everyone.

Gummi Bear – “Chug! Chug! Chug! Hercules! Hercules!”

Leif protests saying “I wasn’t going to drink it. I was just going to hold it in my hand.” Camera pans over to Bob.

Bob – “Who the fuck are you kidding Bill ‘I didn’t inhale’ Clinton!”

Bob calmly replies “I understand.” Leif continues that he just wanted to hold the beer in his hand. He asks what is he supposed to do in the real world when people want to drink around him. Someone (think it’s Gummi) yells lets go get a beer right now. Frankie pipes up,

Frankie – “I know where we can get a beer for $2 and a Nefertiti costume for $15.”

Shelly yells “They’re not getting it at all.” She wants to take the patients back to rehab and lock them down.” Bob ignores Shelly and tells Leif “You can do whatever you want. That’s what this environment is supposed to show you.”

Shelly tells Bob that she needs to talk to him privately. The two walk away from the table.

Shelly thinks the entire situation is ridiculous and not funny. Bob is like what? About buying a beer? Shelly is like yeah. Bob replies it’s common in the real-world to be invoked by the environment. That was the point of bringing the patients here. Shelly understands what Bob is trying to do, but she wants consequences for the rehabbers’ actions. Bob tells Shelly to talk to Dr. Drew about the rules of the rehab, Bob isn’t in charge of the rules.

Shelly wants Leif to be discharged. Camera cuts to Leif.

Leif – “Go ahead kick me out. I don’t want to be around you third world conformists.”

DAY 16 9 A.M….

Dr. Drew narrates Leif’s behavior yesterday is dangerous to his sobriety and to others. Dr. Drew and his staff are meeting with Leif to discuss what happened.

Leif enters the office and sits down.

Leif – “Hakuna Matata Bitches!!”

Dr. Drew wants to talk about what happened. Bob reassurances Leif that this isn’t an attack on him.

Leif – “It’s okay. Leif isn’t here, Mrs. Torrance.”

Leif reiterates his reasoning behind drinking a beer. Dr. Drew looks at Leif and shakes his head. He sighs and says the first problem with that statement is Leif is endangering other people. Leif gets an incredulous look on his face.

Leif – “Wha-wha-what!?!?!?”

Leif raises a finger in defiance.

Leif – “That is not true. These Justin Bieber Silly Bandz I am wearing are infinitely more dangerous than any can of beer that I may consume.”

Leif just wanted to hold the beer.

Leif – I wanted to see the contrast of my MAC Black nail lacquer against the golden amber hue of a cold frosty brew.”

Leif just wanted to see how strong he could be in the face of temptation. Dr. Drew asks Leif “Do you know why Shelly isn’t here today?” Leif replies “Probably because of me.” Bob explains to Leif that Shelly’s breaking point was when Leif wasn’t kicked out for buying beer.

Dr. Drew plays the drama queen and tells Leif that he was sooo attached to him and proud of the work that he had done. When he heard about Leif’s beer incident he lost hope.

Dr. Drew – “Leif, I always thought you + me = us. Now I don’t know if I know my Calculus.”

Leif – “Sorry. I failed math.”

Dr. Drew goes onto say that he had another feeling where he was like “Are you fucking kidding me?” Dr. Drew instructs Leif to look at the diplomas on the wall. He asks Leif if he would argue with him over how to treat colon cancer, heart disease. Dr. Drew’s specialty is Leif’s disease, and no matter what he’s here for Leif, but if Leif decides to drink he has two words for him: God Speed.

Dr. Drew asks Leif if he wants to go drink or finish treatment. Leif wants to finish treatment.

Dr. Drew narrates that addicts like Leif are among the most difficult to treat.

TIME FOR A MOTHER-FUCKING DEPRESSING SONG MONTAGE…

Janice who has been awfully quiet looks at the meeting chart and mutters “meetings, meetings, meetings” as our weekly episode depressing song montage plays.

Music plays….Why’s it got to be this way…why’s a woman got to wear a Family Dollar knock-off Towel Genie instead of the real thing….”

Camera pans to Jason.

Jason – “I’m like oh Kimosabe….where the fuck is my hot toddy…”

DAY 16 10:30 A.M…..

Jeremy ‘Chins’ London’s wife Melissa is currently being treated for opiates at the same rehab center, but in a separate wing of the facility. Dr. Drew narrates that the two are strictly forbidden from interacting with one another.

Jeremy ‘Chins’ London – “Forbidden? Not by the hair of my chinny chin chin.”

Out by the pool, Rachel comes over and sits next to ‘Chins’. She wants to know what’s going on. Jeremy recaps his marital discord. In 2008, he filed for divorce, then his wife counter filed for divorce plus added a nice restraining order to the mix. Jeremy reveals that the latest issue is he got a notice from the IRS that his wife got paid a bunch of money from the National Enquirer for a story she claimed she didn’t sell and didn’t pay taxes on it.

Rachel gasps “She’s evil.” Janice adds “She’s an evil bitch” as she returns to reading her book.

Janice (in Morgan Freeman voice)- “Douglas had to poop….”

PROCESS GROUP…

Dr. Drew narrates today’s process group topic is “lowest points.” Dr. Drew asks everyone “So where are we at?” Jeremy replies “I’d like to say a little something, something.” Jeremy ‘Chin’s London recaps his history with his wife: how he filed for divorce, kicked his wife out of the house, etc. because she was putting their son in danger. One day she returned, put her bags down and announced to ‘Chins’ “It’s revenge time mother-fucker.” Everyone gasps. Jeremy continues that the day with his wife turned into a day of horrors. Rachel twirls her hair and attempts to purse her lips in a knowing smirk.

Rachel – “And that’s when I know to make my move.”

Following the incident “Chins’ wife filed for divorce and he didn’t get to see his son for 40 days. Camera cuts to Eric Roberts.

Eric – “Don’t be such a pansy-assed douchey prick, I didn’t see my step-son for 16 years.”

Jeremy ‘Chins’ London sighs and says it was torture. Bob interjects that what ‘Chins’ is describing is an emotional bottom. Bob says there are way more bottoms after that. Camera cuts to Jason.

Jason – “But the best bottom is ‘Bottom Bitch.”

Gummi Bear says he thinks he has had multiple bottoms.

Gummi Bear – “I’m always on the bottom, and rug burns never get any easier.”

Gummi explains one bottom was when he brought his female friend back to life after she overdosed. Janice shudders. Another time was when he got a needle stuck in his arm and it broke off. Camera cuts to Leif.

Leif – “You fucktard. Wasting a perfectly good needle.”

Jeremy looks at Gummi and tells him “You realize someone is going to find you like that and you’re going to seriously traumatize them.” Gummi surprisingly says he wouldn’t want to do that to somebody.

Gummi – “If I want to traumatize somebody I’ll dress up like Maurice, and adult Fred Savage and I will hide under children’s beds and kidnap Ben Savage and Topanga.”

Dr. Drew moves onto Leif. Leif’s bottom is being broke, having spent all of his money on drugs. Also watching his mom dying and the possibility of he dying before his mother. Leif is also sick of looking like a monster. Dr. Drew asks him if there was a moment when he looked in the mirror and experienced that disgust.

Leif replies when his mom took a polaroid picture of him.

Dr. Drew – “Did she shake, shake it, shake it like a polaroid picture?”

Leif describes the picture showing him with scabs. Janice emits an “Aiii yii yiii” in horror. Check out what Frankie is wearing.

Lisa Frank’s Crazy Jammies Straight-Jacket Collection.

Leif was freaked out by the picture. Dr. Drew murmurs that disgust is a powerful motivator. Everyone agrees.

Dr. Drew tells everyone only you can change.

DAY 16 CONTINUES…

Dr. Drew narrates that Jeremy ‘Chins’ London is still upset with his wife. Sitting outside on the patio Jeremy hears his name being called from the bushes.

“Psssttt Jeremy….pssttt Jeremy…HEY EDWARD SCISSORHANDS, COME TRIM MY BUSH!!!”

Jeremy gets up and walks over to the bushes.

Jeremy – “Hey Cabbage Patch face, now isn’t the time.”

Jeremy’s wife moves over to the flower wall. She wants to know if they can talk without the cameras. Jeremy is like fuck if I know.

“Jeremy, come take a walk with me in my secret garden…”

Jeremy confronts his wife about the IRS and National Enquirer. Jeremy walks back to Leif and Jason and tells them what just happened. He accuses his wife of destroying his career with the lies that she posted in the National Enquirer.

INSIDE….

Jeremy and Eric Roberts chill in their room. Jeremy continues to bitch about his wife to Eric. Jeremy admits that part of him probably did want to die and that’s why he took those painkillers.

DAY 17….

Dr. Drew holds an impromptu group meeting with the patients and alumni success stories. First, they start off with watching a video about previous patients including Tom Sizemore, Mike Starr and McKenzie Phillips. McKenzie’s scenes with her dog causes the patients to bust into tears like a Sarah McLachlan pet commercial.

Dr. Drew tells everyone he has a soft spot for animals too, but he keeps putting people in the ground..that’s what he got from this video.

Shelly brings out the alumni: Tom, Mike and McKenzie.

Down in a Hole with American Graffiti and Tiny Tim.

Tom is on crutches because he blew out his knee Saving Private Ryan and had surgery on it yesterday.

The trio share their ongoing recovery stories. McKenzie goes into detail about her speedball habit and her disgusting track marked arms. Everyone is touched by McKenzie’s candid story and words of encouragement.

Tom announces he is off probation and McKenzie adds that she is too. Everyone claps and Janice cheers “Yay!”

Janice – “Yayyyyy!!!” *flailing Kermit muppet arms*

Tom Sizemore is glad to be back in the game of life. He tells everyone that Dr. Drew is the best doctor for treating addiction that there is. Camera cuts to Dr. Drew.

Dr. Drew – “It’s true.”

Dr. Drew encourages the patients to hang out with the rehab alumni. Everyone mingles while another “Faith Plus One” song plays.

MEETING WITH THE LONDONS…

Dr. Drew sits down for a meeting with Jeremy and his wife Melissa. It is Melissa’s idea and Jeremy isn’t thrilled. He is bitter because he holds his soon to be ex-wife responsible for destroying his career with that National Enquirer article.

Dr. Drew warns Jeremy not to head down that path because it will only lead to he said, she said. In fact, Dr. Drew threatens to and I quote “kick both of their fucking asses out” if ‘Chins’ and his wife start fighting.

Dr. Drew – “Don’t mess with me I’m the mother fuckin’ princess.”

Dr. Drew tells Jeremy and Melissa that the purpose of this meeting is to learn how to peacefully co-exist and be mature adult parents. Jeremy makes a not so subtle jab at Melissa with his statement “Things are very clear now.”

Dr. Drew asks “Is that supposed to be a poke?”

Dr. Drew – “I’m so confused about poking these days. Apparently you can poke people on Facebook.”

Dr. Drew tells Jeremy not to provoke Melissa. Jeremy continues to spew veiled digs. Dr. Drew dismisses Melissa so he can talk to “Chins’ privately.

Once alone Jeremy apologizes to Dr. Drew for his behavior, claiming that the wound is still fresh. Dr. Drew says he understands but asks Jeremy to commit to keeping the peace for the next three months.

BACK OUTSIDE…

Everyone is having a little delete ceremony. Dr. Drew has asked the patients to delete the numbers of individuals who will threaten their sobriety. Rachel goes first.

Rachel – “‘Jimmy Dean Sausage’ a.k.a. Tiger Woods deleted. 1 down, 575 to go!!”

Inside Shelly asks Frankie if she took the numbers off of her phone. Frankie replies no, she’s got control of her situation. Shelly sighs and tells Frankie that she could just take direction for once.

Frankie and Shelly start arguing. Frankie argues that deleting phone numbers isn’t going to prevent her from relapsing. She yells at Shelly that unless you want to be clean and sober rehab doesn’t mean anything. Frankie explains that she has been a dope fiend for so long that…

Frankie – “My trigger is people, places and things. In essence, I fucking hate NOUNS!!!”

Next time on Celebrity Rehab: Janice cries some more about abuse memories, and Dr. Drew knows for a fact that Gummi Bear has the body of an 80-year-old man.