Celebrity Rehab: Drew is Concerned

It’s the night of day 17 at the facility and the police just can’t stay away!! This time, they’re here for Michael Lohan. Apparently, Pasadena is not a huge fan of crazy drunken yelling at 1 am. But Drew is overjoyed; not only will this become an awesome two-part episode, he can just hear the ratings climb off the charts.

Drew pulls Michael aside with his helpful ragtag bunch, Steven and Jeremy, to discuss the mess that is his ex-fiancée.  The doctor tries as hard as he can to fool Michael into thinking he cares about him and it seems to be working!

For a “waken-up-in-the-middle-of-the-night-and-rushed-over-to-the-center-as-quickly-as-possible” outfit, Dr. Drew has chosen a particularly tight black shirt to display his pasty white biceps. As the camera pans over to Jeremy, he just stares at Drew and his guns in disgust; if he could just go to his apartment, he has sooooooo many supplements that will bulk up those milky white guns in a jiffy.

Michael is convinced that Drew loves him and wants nothing more to help him and that’s when the shameless pleading begins. Lindsay refuses to have anything to do with her dad, the first wise decision she’s made since Freaky Friday, and Michael believes the only way to get trough to her is through Dr. Drew. Drew immediately pulls back on his kindness and his ragtag bunch chimes in assuring Michael that his daughter does not want help. That was a close one Drew! You almost had to get involved.

Michael is finally scared straight by the threat of being kicked out of rehab. How else will he satisfy his obsessive need for attention without a televised outlet for yelling and crazytime?

Cut to Kate screaming in the parking lot about all the bad things that Michael has done to her in the past. He’s beaten her 17 times, he’s stalked her with his GPS, he’s tried to kill her AND he’s balding. These two are suckers for punishment; they both clearly hate each other and are sickened by each other’s presence yet they can’t stay away from one another because that would be saying goodbye to all the cameras and attention.

Drew comes out looking like a stern father who has to reprimand his two naughty kids that keep getting sent to the principal’s office. As he walks toward Kate, his finger is a-waggin’ and he scolds her for calling Michael, “Don’t you call that phone again! Or I will take you over my knee…”

Kate says “Thank God!” and claims she wants no contact with him yet she has spent the past 17 days calling daily and squawking in his ear about all the old ladies he’s kissing. I can’t believe she’s scolding him for finally taking interest in a female of appropriate age instead of screwing 20 year olds that bear a resemblance to his daughter. Douche-chill!

The next day, Shelley comes in with a mission: To accuse Michael of calling the cops. Michael responds in the usual way with yelling and rage. This morning is different than all the others though, today, he awoke the beast within Sean Young. Sean has had it up to here with his yammering on about his crazyass ex-fiancée and comes storming out like an irate housewife, sans rolling pin.

Sean begins screaming “SHUT UP!” over and over with her hair flying out around her face like a frazzled witch. Michael calls her psycho, the name he gives to every woman who speaks her mind, and she storms out. Watching Michael’s interactions with women, I’m really beginning to wonder how he ever gets laid. He must have a lifetime supply of roofies.

Drew senses discord in the group and calls a group meeting so Michael can have some center stage time talking about his feelings. Ever the voice of enlightenment, Drew tells Michael that all this drama with Kate is not part of the treatment, nor is it helping in his recovery process. I just can’t stop staring at Jeremy’s rapist moustache. Gross.

Michael keeps saying that he doesn’t want his family to see this. What did you think was going to happen when you signed up for a reality show detailing your journey through rehab? Lindsay would see how well you handle your problems by yelling at your ex-cow in the parking lot over a picture and come running to you crying and saying “Daddy I missed you”?

The whole group finds a word they really like and keeps repeating it over and over like muppets at a caucus. “Surrender, surrender Michael, yeah surrender, surrender man, you need to surrender, surrender buddy, just surrender, I agree surrender, rabble, rabble, rabble…”

The next day, the celebs lounge by the pool and talk about how hard it is to live a life without alcohol. Jessica is so upset to lose alcohol that she starts crying. Steven hands her a binkie and then she calms down.

Shelley keeps telling the group to take it one day at a time, which is much better than living a week at a time.

Everyone at the Recovery Center doesn’t want to lose Jessica because she’s such a lovable trainwreck, so they pull her into a meeting where they discuss how they can continue babysitting her. Drew and the gang suggest she moves into a sober living house, that way, they can film her for 8 more weeks and hopefully get a bump in ratings.

Jessica is confused, she’s not sure how pot can hurt her. I mean, yeah she’s sober, but pot doesn’t count. She confesses that she can go a while without drinking, but boy does she want to get stoned right about now! She really wants to stay sober, but he’s not really sure what that means. For Jessica, her idea of staying sober is analogous to a vegetarian who eats fish.

Drew is also concerned about Sean Young, mostly because he just realized she was still there and had to figure out what to do with her. Sean’s husband is an alcoholic so her return home is super safe.

While at rehab, Jeremy has substituted his excessive steroid use with excessive vitamin use. Great alternative Drew! Was that in the game plan or did you just lose the battle with roid-stache-Jeremy?

Bob has to escort Jeremy to his apartment to clean out aaaaaallllllllllll the pills. There is a shit-ton of steroids and pills and vitamins and needles. Numerous trashcans were filled with about $12,000 worth of growth hormones. That trashcan is going to make some poor kid in Jersey very happy…

Now onto Sean’s problems! Drew has taken it upon himself to have a conference with her and her husband and an actual psychiatrist. Sean’s husband Robert is not a fan of meetings, so it’s going to be hard for him to get sober. Drew has an “aha!” moment when he says that Robert has not been able to get treatment before because he was always too busy taking care of Sean. Now that Sean is cured, Robert can find a meeting he likes and finally kick this nasty habit. Although, he still has to live with Sean Young…

Shelley takes Jessica on a tour of Casa de las Amigas, the sober living home, which basically just gives Jessica curfews like a teenager. The part of the house that upsets Jessica the most is the fact that she does not get her own bathtub and she throws a tantrum. “I don’t wanna live here! I don’t wanna! I want MY bathtub! Wah!”

After Jessica’s tantrum, Drew finds out some horrible news: Mike Starr has died from an overdose. Drew thinks it’s a good idea to tell Steven, so he has Shelley do it. Steven is shocked and upset. We then have a montage of Mike Starr footage while Steven thinks about him. It’s like we’re inside Steven’s head, seeing what he’s seeing, oh look there’s a life-sized gummy bear!

Next time on Celebrity Rehab: Graduation Day!!