Celebrity Rehab: Lohan and His Exploding Heart!

In case you forgot from last week, Amy’s gramps-band was busy threatening to kill Jeremy and feed him to the disobedient bulldogs in t-shirts I assume he owns.  But there’s good news and bad news for gramps-band.  The bad news is that it is against the law in California to threaten someone’s life.  The good news is that his Max Headroom haircut is still intact under all this pressure.

When asked by the cops if he made death threats against anyone, gramps-band proves what a tough guy he is, telling them, “no of course not.  We’re here to help one another.”  There are two problems with this: 1. It is totally false.  2. He has had cameras recording his freakout for the TV show he agreed to be on and Drew is giddy with the prospect of creating a possible arrest on his show.

Unfortunately Jeremy does not want to press charges.  But don’t worry Drew, the episode is only 5 minutes old.  There’s still time for Steven to blackout and assault someone.   Gramps-band and Jeremy kiss and make up and gramps tells Jeremy that he understands his feelings.  It’s amazing how all it takes is the threat of 2-4 years with the possibility of parole for these guys to get along.

Jeremy explains that he thought it was OK to call Amy a serial killer because he had “crazy shit” happen to him too.  I don’t know if doing cocaine off a strippers butt in between episodes of Baywatch is quite the same as SHOOTING SOMEONE IN THE FACE, but then again,  I didn’t get that part on Baywatch, so what would I know.

The day following the very successful family party everyone meets for group.  Jeremy is making num num noises to pretend that he understands Drew’s use of the word microcosm.  After Michael explains how he was able to keep the peace–which, I guess gramps-band didn’t actually feed Jeremy to his t-shirt dogs, so that’s something—we finally get to hear about Jeremy’s problems!  Personally I think his biggest problem is that his head is a perfect cube.  But apparently it is that he has trouble being overprotective and has roid rage.  Amy says she couldn’t believe Jeremy would say those things to her because he was her friend.  She thought it almost seemed like Jeremy didn’t like her.  Amy, nobody likes you.

Sean Young is calling Amy out on gramps-band making her do porn movies, which reminds me—Sean Young is here!  And she’s wearing what looks like half a fake polar bear.  Alright, enough from her.

Drew tells us that this is what treatment is all about and the best news is that they came through a tumultuous weekend still sober.  When you’re impressed that your patients are able to remain sober while locked in a house and being monitored 23.5 hours a day, it may be time to raise your expectations.

When we come back from commercial Drew is having sexy one on one time with Amy and tells her that she’s the captain of her life and she needs to stop relying so much on gramps-band.  This may be his way of telling her he wants to see some girl on girl stuff.

Michael is on the phone with his ex-fiancée Kate trying to convince her to come to Drew’s happy time detox, but all she wants is to go to some meetings and probably meet a nice man.  Shelly yells at Michael for allowing this sort of codependence and says Kate needs to come in for treatment.  After all, she has insurance.  Gotta meet that deductible somehow.

Drew is back again with Amy and some guy in an ugly shirt who is probably a psychiatrist or a porn producer.  They’re talking about Amy changing careers.  Girl on girl.  I knew it!  Gramps-band joins the meeting and he is actually in favor of Amy getting out of the porn business.  And there are so many jobs out there she could do: sniper, gun range instructor, t-shirt canon operator.

Now it turns that all the “habbies” get to have visitors for one more night—because it’s been going so well so far.  Michael lets it slip that he’s invited Kate back to visit him again.  This does not sit well with Drew who has been trying to lure her into his web of sobriety for some time now.  What’s more, Drew is afraid that this relationship with Kate will break Michael’s heart. No literally, he has a heart condition that’s triggered by stress, anger and alcoholic floozies that move from D-list celebrity to D-list celebrity.

To illustrate the severity of the issue, Drew draws a diagram of a heart and then draws a jagged line through it.  Then he draws a stick figure of Michael with X’s for eyes and Kate Major with big fat tears rolling down her face.

Michael gives Drew an understanding nod and then goes back to the telephone to wait for his heart attack to start. Lucky for Michael, he doesn’t have to wait long. His good friend Pastor Jay calls to inform him that on the way to visiting hours Kate has jumped out of the car after seeing a disturbing photo of Michael kissing another lady. I wonder if she did a tuck and roll.

As Michel paces around the pool working himself up into a frenzy, Steven just nods to himself and smokes like a zen muppet, “He’s making himself nuts. And what letter does the word “nuts” start with? That’s right! Our letter of the day, N!”

Ever the grown up, Michael yells at Kate for 20 minutes explaining to her in his angry man voice that she is “Killing “ him. Jen follows Michael around the recovery center reminding him of “his heart” and he continues to escalate and repeat the same 4 words “You’re killing me Larry!”

My favorite part of this ineffective chase that Jen has begun with Michael is seeing them pass by a security guard who just stands and watches as Jen tries desperately to wrangle the phone away. You know what could’ve ended this debacle in a minute? The security guard who is roughly twice the size of Michael Lohan and can break the scrawny white man’s neck with his left fist without even pausing his game of Angry Birds.

Kate finally arrives and continues the yelling match because of valuable information she found out from the most reliable source, TMZ. She goes on to call him old and bald and then looks to the camera to see if they got what they needed. But they didn’t so the police are called and the shenanigans ensue. Maybe Drew will finally get that arrest after all. Find out next time on Michael Lohan Gets a Heart Attack.