Celebrity Rehab: Moon Over My Ling Ling

It’s day 4 in the recovery process and Drew has already lost one of his patients in an extended game of hide and seek, Ling Ling.

I'm a naughty girl who doesn't take my psychiatric drugs.

Instead of asking a camera crew member where she might have gone, because they are paid to follow every D-list celebrity 24/7, Drew decides to amble around the grounds wondering aloud where did she go like a silly little kid who’s just really good at hide and seek and not like a psychotic person that has grand delusions, refuses to take her pills and had daily chats with her moon god who tells her what to do every day.

Every morning, moon god prints out an itinerary just for Ling Ling so she knows that she has to start her day by crying in bed for one full hour, then get up with a sense of resolve and unscrew her nameplate from the wall next to her door and then climb up the ladder to the roof, with the nameplate, push the ladder away from the building so that she can’t be followed and commence pacing until further instruction.

Drew stands below like a super lazy dad who doesn’t want to be pulled away from the big football game just because of his crazy kid’s antics, “What’s happening? The fire department is going to pull up in a few minutes…Seriously, get down…Don’t make me go up there…I’m going to get my belt…Come down…Alright, I’m giving you to the count of three to get down or I will make you get down! 1……..2…….”

Meantime, Shelley is already on the roof using her best “stoner-speak” to get through to crazytown Ling Ling, “C’mon man, this isn’t cool.” To which Ling Ling responds by continuing to walk like a stork searching for the right worm to peck out of the rooftop, because that is her sustenance now that she has given her mind and body over to the moon god.

Finally, Ling Ling finds the ladder, with no help from Drew, and enters into Drew’s waiting arms. He then immediately passes her on to Sasha, who is left to explain Ling Ling’s craziness to her. Does Drew actually do anything besides take the credit for fixing anyone?

Poor Sasha has to fumble through her thick accent to speak in a language that Ling Ling can understand and convince her that she needs pills. Eventually, through accent-filled pleading and comparisons between normal people’s actions and Ling Ling’s action, Ling Ling is convinced that Sasha is not trying to break her connection with the moon god and just wants to help her re-establish a clear communication with him, she agrees to take the pills.

Now it’s time for the three-ringed circus where all the attention crazed addicts’ battle for the spotlight as Dr. Drew assumes the position of the media-whore ringleader group!

Sean Young thinks that alcohol is her BFF and she is having difficulty letting go of her; she throws the BEST parties. Everyone agrees on the level of difficulty in letting go of their best friends and then they move on to a full-on Amy attack.

We are blessed to have Amy with us, because if she had her druthers, she would be gone, “This place is like prison.”  Because prison has lavender soap and people holding you as you cry about the time your daddy didn’t show up to your birthday party.

Both Michael Lohan and Steven Adler are extremely offended by this because they fucking love lavender soap.

Dr. Drew moderates by correctly identifying everyone’s emotions. For example, Steven was outraged, meaning he was experiencing fierce anger about the knock on lavender soap.

Then Ling Ling tries to soothe Michael as he has a reaction. His reaction involves a tirade about all the pedophiles in jail and how he spent time in “the hole” because he “violated someone’s space” and how people were putting glass in his food and making voodoo dolls in his likeness and stealing all the spoons and not making it on the kickball team against the north sector of the prison and being last in line for ice cream day. Then he leaves to make throw up in the toilet.

I know where Lindsay got her acting skills.

Instead of talking Michael through the intense emotions he shared in group, Drew offers to give Michael a shot of some meds, which Michael obviously take because he’s an ADDICT. Honestly Drew, do you even have to ask?

Once Michael is doped up on meds, Drew moves on to Sean to see if she needs any drugs to numb her pain. In her session, we learn that she drinks to make herself happy and she doesn’t want to have any sad big people feelings.

Must. Learn. Feelings.

Basically, all Drew is doing is teaching people how to feel again, as if they are robots trying to understand the way of the human. What’s this coming out of my eye? That’s a tear. Why is it coming out? You’re sad. Tell me more about this sad. Where does it come from this “sad”? It comes from 7 years of medical school, failing at your private practice and then having to treat D-List celebrities for the rest of your life.

True to the devotion to the treatment of these delicate souls, Dr. Drew brings a new patient into the mix which will undoubtedly make them all a big happy family throw the whole group dynamic into upheaval.

Golly! Did I drink that whole bottle of Jameson? Whoops-a-daisy!

The sweet helpless victim of Reality TV stardom suicidal villainous Survivor star Jessica “Sugar” Kiper arrives and runs into the dedicated, nurturing group member murderous adulterous media sensation Amy Fisher’s arms, excited to have a new roommate.

Jessica goes to her one on one with Dr. Drew wearing her adorable pink sweat suit, looking like a suburban housewife as she admits to having every drug available since she was 15 years old. She is like a cracked-out overgrown modern-day Shirley Temple.

Day 6: uncoordinated addict horse hilarity Equine Therapy.

Drew believes that patients will be able to learn how feelings work by scooping horseshit out of the horses’ shoes. It’s actually just Wyatt the former speed freak crack addict cowboy getting other addicts to do his dirty work for him. He pulled a Tom Sawyer if I’ve ever seen one.

At the farm, Sean Young shares with everyone that horses are to blame for her failed career and not her crashing the set of a Batman movie wearing the Catwoman costume and claiming that she should have the role. Then her and cowboy Wyatt take some jabs at Kim Basinger for stealing Sean’s career and the therapy is complete.

After cowboy Wyatt has all the addicts clean out the whole stable, we have a touching montage of all the celebs looking sad while Amy put on her porn-star eye shadow and draws on her eyebrows according to the emotion she’s feeling. Today, she drew sad-brows.

During morning meditation, which is just everyone saying hello to one another, saying their names with helpful reminders from Shelley, and admitting they’re failures addicts, Steven boards the Bashing-Amy-Train and fails to get off at the appropriate station. It really chaps his ass that she won’t admit that she’s a fuck up because he’s done all the things that she’s done and he admits it, “except for shooting someone in the head.”

Steven brings up a good point. Amy seems to have forgotten that she shot someone in the head. Thank the lord for good shepherds such as Steven who can lead us to salvation with his abusive actions and violent actions. Can I get an Amen?