Celebrity Rehab: Now with more Buttafuoco Face Shooting!

Michael is committed to ruining his treatment by allowing his addict ex-fiancée crazypants to come in and stomp all over the progress he’s made with her big sloppy prescription drug addicted shoes. He is beside himself with rage when he finds out that the recovery center won’t allow an addict into the area to lure another recovering addict back into the sultry arms of drug addiction. Basically, Dr. drew and his staff are a giant cockblock to vomit-induced fun time.

After the cock-blockee has blown her top at Michael, the broken man hands her over to his savior, Dr. Drew. Just his  presence on the telephone line silences Fiancée crazypants and she makes a 180, agreeing to come and detox before dirtying Michael with her drug-influenced ways.

Family day has finally come and it’s time for the families to unload, at least that’s what Drew says. Jeremy’s family goes first, but nobody cares so they move on to the next drama-filled trainwreck of a family, Amy’s military grandpa/husband/porn co-star Fisher. Also not exciting enough. On to the next: the Lohan tribe plus fiancée crazypants.

While fiancée crazypants talks about herself, Michael’s mother just shakes her head in shame. Clearly crazypants did not listen to instructions, everyone’s supposed to talk about Michael. Now Michael is going to have to teach her a lesson about when it’s her turn to talk. Shame.

Jessica’s sister looks old enough to be her mother, maybe it’s because Jessica wears nothing but onesies and pigtails and calls her “mama”.

Drew sees an opportunity for more tears and drama so he pulls Jessica and her sister aside. Jessica promptly throws her sister under the bus by accusing her of drinking one margarita.  Then Jessica drops the USO Tour bomb; she’s going to travel the world, entertaining the troops just months shy of treatment completion.  Dr. Drew is UP-SET. After treatment, Jessica will be as fragile as a little flower and she cannot travel to Singapore, the land of drugs and drinks, to entertain the troops with a series of cartwheels in her little baby blue onesie!

In Amy’s private time with Drew, her husband, who’s lily-white army crew cut can make him pass as her grandpa, blames his difficulty finding work on her and the “incident” that “happened to her” when she was just a teenager. This is the carrot of shame he dangles in front of her as he coerces her into filming graphic porn scenes with him. Looks at you gramps-band; turning lemons into lemonade!

Drew continues his meddling by moving on to fiancée crazypants. He’s sniffed out a new patient for Celebrity Rehab 6.

He continues his successful drama dig by telling the two lovebirds that they can’t be together. Then come the tears, not from Michael though, he’s too busy thinking about all the new booty he’s gonna tap once he unloads the heavy burden of fiancée crazypants.

Jessica’s still reeling over the news that going on the USO Tour right now would be a bad idea. She feels terrible because she thinks that everybody has already purchased the tickets and that she’s the main part of the show. Somebody needs to tell her that neither of these things are true before she worries herself into a screaming tantrum. “But I WANNA go! I WANNA! I WANNA! You can’t keep me here! You’re not my dad! You’re a big stinky doo-doo face with glasses!”

Emotional-music-montage break.

She did it! Jessica called the USO Tour manager and cried for two hours. But she cancelled. Looks like our little girl is all grown up and trying to make herself a better person.

Wait! What is this? American Idol finalist Nikki McKibbin is here? She was an addict too? Man! Everyone’s an addict now. Maybe I should be an addict…

She performs a song while the center plays a slideshow of old photos of all the patients. This is a real treat for the patients; their favorite thing to do is watch themselves on TV.

Then Jeremy’s sister calls Amy the name that Steven has been dying to share with her since day 1: Buttafuoco face shooter. What a tactfully delightful individual! To come in and call Amy Fisher out upon first meeting take some real class balls.

Amy’s gramps-band kicks into military mode and starts to attack Jeremy’s sister. His sister backpedals and tells the military bulldog that she meant it in the nicest way possible, claiming it was a “sweet funny joke”. When does the name Buttafucco Face Shooter come off as sweet or funny?  If we were operating under those parameters, we would call Jeremy’s sister the Diarrhea Mouth Four Stomach Lover Squasher.

Amy and her gramps-band leave the table and refuse to sit down while Jeremy’s sister has a panic attack and stands up during Drew’s speech to go breathe into a paper bag. Drew is disturbed by this, but, never one to turn down a good bit of drama, he must pursue the nutjobs.

Jeremy leaves to get a chair for his hyperventilating sister and gramps-band jumps on the opportunity to confront him. Apparently, grandpa doesn’t like it when people remind his wife of the crime she committed a billion years ago. Anyone who mentions it, is gonna get their heads blown off by him. He wants everyone to pretend it never happened. I wonder where Amy’s intense denial originated.

When Jeremy doesn’t react the way that grandpa would like him to, the death threats begin. Jeremy’s mommy takes action by calling the police and the waitresses at the “Family Weekend” Brunch are thinking that all the overtime in the world is not worth this.

Then the episode ends with Drew saying “Goodness gracious!”, picking up the pie he dropped on the floor and wiping his hands off on his apron.

To be continued…