Celebrity Rehab: Revisited Part 2 – All About Steven

The way Drew enters the frame I feel like I’m watching an awful PBS special about life in the 1800’s. I think some of his spray tan is rubbing off on his Brooks Brothers collar. Never one to be flustered by a wardrobe malfunction, Drew soldiers on, letting us know what’s going on with Sean Young; because we care.

We travel through time to see Sean in her hay day as she yells obscenities at Michael Lohan and blames her husband for her drinking problems. ~sigh~ Those were the good ol’ days.

Now, Sean is planting flowers and wearing bright red lipstick. She admits that as soon as she left rehab she had two margaritas. This just goes to show that these celebrities didn’t think they were in rehab at all. They just thought they were filming an intense drama the whole time. The only reason Sean stuck around was because she really wanted an Oscar nod this award season.

Sean and her husband only see each other on the weekends so that he can drink while he’s away from her. That seems like a mistake, because he needs the drinks when he’s with her.

Since Drew can’t leave his tanning booth for fear of being one shade too pale, Bob has to go aaaaallllll the way to Santa Monica to check on Sean. Bob comes to the conclusion that it’s all up to Sean to quit drinking; it’s not on her husband. What a productive trip to Santa Monica; arriving at the same conclusion that Dr. Drew arrived at 150 days ago when Sean was still in rehab.

On to Baby Jessica! I wonder if she’s grown up since the moments where she opened up about contemplating suicide and then refused to move into sober living stomping her feet and crying “I don’t wanna!!”.

150 days later, Jessica is all growed up! Her hair is shorter and she’s wearing big people pearls! Even though she’s a lady now, Jessica still can’t say no to the big bad drugs. She gives us more information than we asked for telling us about her menstrual cycle and how pot helps her through it. Now that’s something they don’t teach you in Health Ed.

Since Drew is not ready to let his baby girl go out into the big big world, he decides to leave his tanning booth for a while and accompany Bob on his check up. Their meeting is just like two awkward teenagers not knowing how to tell each other that they like each other and they just keep saying, “How are you?” over and over again.

Once the awkwardness subsides, Drew confronts the 80’s sweatband wearing Jessica about her pot use and drinking. Bad girl! Bad Baby Jessica! You’re grounded! Off to sober living with you! And no talking to boys for a month!

Drew’s serious talk worked! Jessica packed up all her binkys and her onsies and went off the sober living! When she arrives you can see that sober living is basically daycare for broken adults.

Next up is Doc Gooden. Remember him? Of course you don’t, he was on the show for like a minute before producers realized he had no drama-licious footage to contribute.

Now that Doc is sober, he drinks orange juice and has an academy for boys that want to learn baseball. Only boys can learn because girls can’t play baseball.  A League of Their Own was just pure fiction.

Bob swings by to check on Doc and tells him to not fuck up at the 6-month point. Or the 8-month point. Or the 9-month point. Once you reach the 10-month point Bob is no longer contracted to care about you.

The end of Doc Gooden’s recap/check-up looks like the end of a dramatic baseball movie where a famous ballplayer helps a boy with special needs find his athletic talents and then the sun sets on a heart-warming scene where they are throwing the ball back and forth and ridiculously sappy music is playing. Then there’s the epilogue showing the special needs kid hitting a ball out of the park at the World Series and he just looks up at Doc and Doc nods and smiles.

They’ve saved the best for last! Steven Adler! Here’s someone I want to catch up with! In fact, I would love his contact info so I can immediately become friends with him. Anyone who can tell it like it is to the Buttafuoco face shooter is a friend of mine.

Steven has been a mess for a while now, which makes me almost 99% positive that this rehab session won’t take. I like rehab Steven. He just will stick it to the man any chance he gets and then yells “Bang!” to make a point. I wonder if he’s single…

Since discharge Steven has been very naughty and Bob tricks him by showing up to his hotel hours before he was scheduled to arrive. Steven is super stoked and gives bob a huge hug and a kiss, because he’s just a lovable little teddy bear.

Bob finds some pot in Steven’s room and has a Doogie Howser moment as he stands on the balcony with a shocked look on his face while he narrates what happened in 1987. They have some tea while they discuss how Steven can tour sober, or at least I think that’s what they were talking about. It’s really tough to understand Steven when he gets all excited about something and starts slurring everywhere.

Since he found a buttload of pot in Steven’s room, Bob has decided that he can’t let Steven out of his sight for the next 24 hours, so he goes with him to his concert in Dubuque, Iowa. He watches Steven rock out and then awkwardly hangs out in his dressing room. All of Steven’s friends are slipping him alcohol in coffee cups and guarding the bathroom door while Steven does his drugs. Steven is acting like his dad is watching him and he desperately needs to get high. Bob is crushed by all the lying and hiding, he just wants to be Steven’s friend. He’s not a bad guy.

Seeing that his friend is slipping away, Bob takes action and asks Steven to take a walk with him. This is a side of Steven I haven’t seen before. He is no longer saying coherent words anymore and he’s having like a party in his head or something that’s making him smile like a total goober.

Post-Bob-visit, Steven checked into rehab again. He checked right back out 48 hours after that. Oh Steven! You were so close to having me as a wife, why did you have to blow it by smoking yourself silly? We could’ve had babies together, lots of blonde-head-banging babies. ~sigh~

I guess I have to wait until the next season of Celebrity Rehab to find a new husband-hopeful.