Celebrity Rehab: Steven Adler, My Hero!

“I hate liars and bamboozlers!”

Listen to what I put in your earholes!

I hear you Steven Adler, bamboozlers are the worst! Hoodwinkers are close, but Bamboozlers are definitely the worst!

You may wonder to whom he is referring, but is there really any doubt? Amy Fisher has been pulling one over on the whole lot at the Pasadena Recovery Center. Since day one she has been weaving the other addicts into her bamboozler web, telling them lies of how it’s a mistake that she’s here since she was really supposed to be admitted into a spa in the Tibetan Mountains so she could be refreshed for Deep Inside Amy Fisher IV. Now she’s leading our precious sheep into the elaborate lie of how Pasadena Recovery center is really prison and Dr. Drew is a pawn in the game of deceit. Their captors are giving the celebrities the false sense of security by putting Dr. Drew in the mix because really, who makes more money off celebs than Drew.

Steven continues on his tirade about bamboozlers as Shelley taunts him in the hallway. She keeps telling them that he wants to use and he keeps denying and then she pulls the sarcastic-arms-folded-sitting-on-the-couch-move while saying “Fine. Fine.” Aren’t these people supposed to be fragile flowers when they are in therapy? I didn’t know that sarcasm was an effective form of treatment. If so, I should’ve gotten my PhD a looooooonng time ago.

Then Steven goes on to say he’s had other bamboozlers in his life before and doesn’t want any more bamboozlers in his life because he hates it when bamboozlers bamboozle him.

He gets a scolding from Dr. Drew for abusing Amy with words, which really puts him in his place since Dr. Drew never does anything. This must be bad!

It’s the start of a new day and everyone admits they are addicts, even Amy! Then they read from the good book and listen to Shelley talk about how alcoholics are angry people. The more I watch her talk, the more I begin to believe she looks like a muppet.

Then Steven apologizes to Amy in group. It really is a brand new day! Everyone responds by giving a polite golf clap, because NO ONE CARES.

Each celebrity only cares about him or herself and thinks that their story is the worst story and nobody could possibly be put upon as much as they are. I wish for one day, they could go to Zimbabwe and see what it’s like to be put upon. Maybe then they will appreciate their rich people problems and embrace the agony over not getting the part they wanted.

Rough day Ling Ling?

Bai Ling has a breakthrough today and Drew nearly wets himself with glee. “I’m allergic! Why do I drink it? I’m a talented beautiful actress! Why did I f*&% it up?” These are the questions I ask myself every day. Why would someone as hot as Ling Ling want to destroy herself? If I had her body, I would walk around naked EVERYWHERE! And I would deal with the indecent exposure tickets with pride!

When's it gonna be my turn?

Jeremy looks bored. Why won’t anyone ask him about his feelings? When’s it gonna be Jeremy’s turn?

Ling Ling leaves the room and Drew sends Shelley out to make her feel better do his job. He then spends his time doing important work, like explaining what an acute anxiety attack is, oh wait, Shelley did that too. Drew just sat in group with his hands folded looking concerned while Bob moderated the group.

Day 11: All the celebs are calling begging “loved ones” to come visit them for family weekend.

Michael Lohan calls his ex-fiancé Kate to stir up some drama in his storyline. As he’s calling he says, “Please be sober. Please be sober.” And then goes on to have the most overly dramatic conversation with a woman who is almost the same age as his daughter. Clearly the root of his problems is his obsession with his own daughter. He is so upset that he crashed that gravy train that he turned to booze himself.

What a catch!

Shelley has finally had it with this bullshit. In response to the wack-a-doo Kate Major calling Michael back to berate him some more with insults about his daughter, she stomps off and says, “Fuck these people.” There is nothing better than an impartial therapist leading the rehabilitation of these feeble souls.

We learn that Ling Ling was part of the People’s Liberation Army when she was 14 years old and Drew gets overly excited about the prospect of what went wrong during that time. Ling Ling shares that an army officer read her diary aloud to the troops and it was very violating because she had written about all the cute boys she liked.

Then Drew pulls out his Loveline chops and gets down to the sexual abuse. If anyone can draw stories of sexual abuse out of people, it’s Dr. Drew.  Sadly, she was a sexy toy for leading officers in the army and tells Drew that she can forgive them.  However, Drew is unable to forgive them and says that there is a long road of recovery for her, while he makes her un-forgive them.

Next, the patients are taken to Homeboy Industries, a gang intervention organization that assists at-risk youth into becoming positive members of society.  Then we cut to Jeremy and find that he has spent his time in rehab growing a sleazy mustache.

Then they roll some depressing footage of former gang members/drug users. Cut to Jeremy shaking his head with his creepy mustache.

The video is over and everybody is crying, except Jeremy. He’s afraid moisture will destroy his perfect creep-a-zoid moustache.

I think it's time to transition into the multiple pieces of clothing, eh Jess?

Jessica is wearing her onsie again. What she really needs to do is go to fashion rehab.

Back to Michael’s drama, his ex-fiancé won’t stop drunk dialing him with problems. Bob reminds Michael that he’s a dad and he should be caring for his kids instead of crazy people. But what if his kids ARE crazy people?

More Michael drama: ex-fiancé Kate is not allowed to come to family day unless she checks into rehab, because she’s an addict. Michael is beside himself with anger. How dare a rehab center want clean and sober people to visit the addicts for support! They are discriminating against other addicts who don’t want any help!

Michael walks away saying, “I abide by the rules. They have to abide by the rules here as well.” In what part of the rulebook does it say that the trashy tabloid reporter you had sex with that weekend in the Hamptons and then proposed to counts as your family?

Then Michael starts throwing around threats and ultimatums. If Dr. Drew does not show himself, this is the end of the road for Michael.

Do you honestly think that Michael will leave celebrity rehab? He would have to go to regular people rehab, which would sort of defeat the purpose of him being there.

Will Michael Lohan be around next week? Or will Dr. Drew’s loss be the penal system’s gain (again).

Find out on the next Celebrity Rehab!