Celebrity Rehab: Steven is a Big Meany-Pants!

The episode starts off with a healthy dose of Amy Fisher denial. She seems to think that she is in rehab because she is tired, because rehab is where all porn stars go when they need a nap. Riding countless men in front of a rolling camera take after take is hard work and the Pasadena Recovery Center Spa is just what she needs to get her back on top in no time!

Steven wants nothing more than to make Amy cry. He gains strength through stripper tears.

And Steven succeeded! Amy is now crying and afraid to talk! Steven is definitely the bully of the rehab playground.

I love how Steven’s tirade on Amy Fisher has had a 2-episode arc. He is absolutely a character that they brought in to spice up the plotline of the series. Next episode he’ll be gone, but he’ll be back two episodes before the finale to stir up the pot again!

Amy’s two besties, Ling Ling and Shelley, come to her rescue patting her back and telling her that he’s a jerk and he doesn’t know the real Amy and she’s better off without him and she’ll find love one day, they promise.

But Steven’s not finished being the bad guy today. Dr. Drew pulls him aside for a little pep talk to make sure that Steven understands the fragile flower that is Amy Fisher and then they go into a group session. Everything is going really well; everyone is opening up and having feelings that they have been trying to drown out for years with alcohol and drugs. Then Jessica shares her story about her “attempt of some sort” and Steven applauds her ability to open up and admit her flaws, unlike some people. Zing!

Then Bob, Drew’s assistant has an appropriate therapist reaction by saying “Oh my God!” over and over again and creating a scene as Drew desperately tries to remind Steven about the pep talk they had and what a precious gentle flower Amy is.

Now Amy is having a reaction according to Detective Drew. Bob asks her what she’s thinking about and she cannot answer because she has not had a thought since her one major light bulb went off and she shot someone in the head.

Drew says the first “doctor-y” thing he’s said all season, which is that Amy is suffering from dissociation. Dissociation basically means that Amy has suffered from something so traumatic, i.e., shooting someone in the head and choosing a career in pornography, that she has given herself amnesia, choosing to forget that she has done anything wrong. Something every kid under 10 does on a daily basis to get out of accepting responsibility for anything.

Then daddy Lohan steps in because he actually “cares” about Amy and really wants her to open up in order for the treatment to really have the full effect on her and she is reminded of how much she longs for male acceptance and eagerly accepts Lohan’s love. Big mistake. Just look at Lindsay. Your bed. I’m just sayin.

Lohan stepping up to the plate is like the blind leading the blind and is very amusing when he gets into preacher mode. “When we get back into group can we just have peace among ourselves? Lord, please deliver us from these broken messes we call celebrities and give us the strength to gain back the D-level fame we have grown to love. Can I get an Amen? “

Doc Drew tells Doc Gooden that he needs to get over the severe feelings of guilt he has because he chose drugs over his own children. Doc tells Drew that he was hoping they would be wearing the same uniforms, just not the orange ones. Looks like his boy followed him down the drug path, at least he followed Doc somewhere. Silver lining.

Then, Jennifer and Doc share the most intense letter writing experience I have ever seen. The purpose is to relieve some of the feelings of guilt, but I think Jennifer just wanted to make him cry in front of the camera. For every celeb she successfully makes have an emotion on camera she gets a bonus.

Drew tickles the heartstrings even more by inviting a family who has lost a loved one to addiction. The hope is to make some of the celebs feel intensely guilty about screwing up everyone else’s lives around them and send them into a fresh round of tears yet again.

The lost boy, Patrick, began drinking at the tender age of 11 years old and then went on to enjoy oxycotton in his early high school career. The family noticed that they were missing loads of aluminum foil, straws and spoons. At first they thought that “The Borrowers” were living in their walls, but then they realized that these were the tools of heroin use.

I eat my feelings.

Even my cynical heart broke as every family member recounted Patrick’s death. Damn show is gonna turn me to Kleenex and a gallon of Haagen Dazs.

The story inspires Jessica to call her younger brother so that she can make sure he’s not doing drugs. I only wish it would also inspire her to buy some big people clothes as well. The green one-sie and pigtails are no longer a hot look; that look expired when you turned 7.

Some foreshadowing, or deliberate, planning occurs when Steven spills the beans to Jessica about what a big bag of denial Amy Fisher is.

Then Drew has a meeting where he passes on Doc Gooden to another doctor, which makes it even less doctoring that he has to do. Why did he even become a doctor? He should have just become Ryan Seacrest.

Doc and his son have a lot to talk about. Dwight Jr. is all messed up because he was constantly scared about what his dad was going to do while he was on drugs. It didn’t scare him enough though, because as soon as he came of age, he began trafficking drugs. He’s daddy’s boy.

Doc apologizes for teaching Dwight Jr. bad habits and more crying happens. Drew applauds him for having feelings.

Amy’s crying again! This episode has been 98% Amy crying, 1.5% Steven being angry and 0.5% Drew giving medical advice.

Steven goes on a tirade as per usual and gives us this gem before he stomps off into the recovery center, “You got 4 cocks in your face, you’re gonna have to be numb!” Take that Deep Inside Amy Fisher!

He then says he wanted to punch her in the forehead. I wonder if suffering an assault to the head would jog her memory a little bit and perhaps remind her of the reason this shit storm started in the first place. Not that I’m condoning punching Amy Fisher, buuuuut…

THEN Steven gives Drew an ultimatum, “It’s either her or me!” He know this is a low blow for Drew because the only way he can have great ratings is with the drama stemming from this dysfunctional relationship between Steven and Amy. Drew has some serious considering to do.

Find out if Steven gets the boot or Drew chooses to make both celebs suffer for his hefty paycheck next week on Celebrity rehab.