Celebrity Rehab: Super-Drew Returns!

As night falls on the Pasadena Recovery Center, the villainous disease wreaks havoc on the bodies of the poor defenseless victims. But have no fear! Dr. Super-Drew is here to save the day!

The tumultuous night begins with a member of Super-Drew’s staff, Jennifer, having a panic attack over the arrival of the scariest man in the world: Steven Adler.  In 2008, Jennifer was the house manager of Sober House where Steven spoke to her with his fists instead of his words.  The disease took over his sensibilities and he relapsed with heroin, turning into a rage-filled monster that scared the bejeezus out of Jennifer. Steven was arrested and Jennifer was safe, until now.

Steven arrives and Jennifer shows magnificent strength, not even flinching while checking him in. He enters the facility happy as a pig in shit looking like he just fell out of an Endless Summer movie. All the other victims love him and want him to hang out, but there is work to be done. To the anal cavity search room!

BFF!

Steven clears the inspection with flying colors and a winning smile. With renewed courage, Steven approaches Jennifer and apologizes for his actions in 2008.  Jennifer must be relieved to know that her beating resulted in him learning some valuable lessons about himself, and he thanks her for becoming his human punching bag.  Jennifer is touched beyond belief. It’s amazing how much you can get away with if people just think you are a perma-stoned surfer with unintelligible speech.

One villain down, many more to go! Super-Drew knows that night one is never easy and he is anticipating multiple battles when he arrives the morning after. All the victims have been vomiting nonstop and barely had any rest, so Super-Drew is in for a lot of whiny camera whores today.

On to the first victim of the day: Ling Ling. When Super-Drew goes to wake up his precious little Asian flower, he finds her sobbing into her pillow. His heart breaks and he has a heart to heart with her, to show her that he needs her help to fight the demon of disease inside her. He is successful in his attempts and Ling Ling makes it to the very first group meeting.

Everybody is tired but they have to tell Super-Drew why they have come for his help.  They all come to agreement when Bob, Super-Drew’s assistant, tells them that the reason they turn to drugs is for control. What Super-Drew is trying to do, is get these poor defenseless victims to give up the control they have in their lives and say goodbye to the demon of disease in their bellies. Michael Lohan shares an adorable childhood story about how he would hide beers from his father and try to convince him to come home and have dinner. And now he’s passed on the family tradition to his precious daughter Lindsay.

Then Super-Drew realizes that Amy Fisher is “having a feeling” and he asks her to share with the group. She begins by telling Michael both he and his father are awful people for behaving that way towards children and then she goes on to throw a full-on pity party for herself. It seems that she can’t get a normal job anywhere because she shot somebody in the head. Now, she can only do porn.

Super-Drew has opened the well of emotions that resides inside Amy and he can’t help but feel victorious against the first leg of this pesky disease. Once he breaks down the walls of emotional bricks, the true healing can begin. Plus, it makes for great tv.

A new victim enters the facility; it’s Doc Gooden! He loves the cocaine more than he loves baseball.  But that’s probably not his fault.  He played for the Mets. But it has changed his life forever. He went to jail, hit a car and was charged with child endangerment all because of this vicious disease of addiction. Insert clever New York Post headline about striking out here.  He doesn’t want to be sick anymore and he knows Super-Drew can help.

When Doc arrives, he finds out that he is bunking with Hobie and he has no emotional reaction to it, although Hobie wets himself with glee.

Dum Dum DUM! The results of the urine test come back and prove that Doc has tested positive for cocaine use in the past 72 hours. Nothing gets past Super-Drew! Super-Drew challenges this with his all-powerful “Hmpf!” delivered with arms crossed. This is all it takes to break down the walls holding in all the Doc’s emotions.

Night falls and everybody is holding their heads in their hands. Head holding seems to be a nightly symptom of the disease. And tonight is the night Amy “takes issue” with the camera. She just wants to send text messages to all her friends her friend and the blasted things keep following her around. But Super-Drew knows that it isn’t about the camera, this is the way the victims cope with the disease and their negative feelings. In a way, he is using these cameras as a healing tool, to expose their deepest darkest wounds and make them sit in the uncomfortable-ness that they created.

Amy threatens to leave the program on account of all the cameras following her around, just like she knew they would be when she signed up for this train wreck. Can Super-Drew keep her in the facility?

The night continues to bring new challenges as Amy refuses to give up her phone. Phone privileges end at 9:30 every night, no exceptions. Teeth brushing at 9:45.  Good Night Moon at 10.  Also no exceptions.  You want Berenstein Bears?  Get your ass to a rehab clinic that gives a damn.

According to Amy, there are 6 cameras up her ass at any given moment of the treatment. It’s odd that this upsets her so much because it should just feel like another day on the job.  Super-Drew’s helpers don’t have the strength of Super-Drew and can’t keep Amy from leaving the facility. Will Super-Drew be able to use his super-strength to get her back?

Amy starts walking the streets of Pasadena as the cameras try desperately to capture her struggle on camera. Jennifer watches from the other side of the street as Amy calls everyone on her phone list to tell them why she is so terrified of cameras. Finally, her husband and her manager convince her to stay because they want a clean porn star, not a sloppy drunk one.  And because completion of the program is necessary if she wants to star in Celebrity Re-Head 17: Sluts on Parade.

Whoops! You dropped something Ling Ling!

Morning comes and everyone is holding his or her head again. The victim that concerns Super-Drew the most is Ling Ling; she has not eaten for three days, nor has she taken her medication that prevents her from talking to the moon. Ling Ling doesn’t want to take any medication but Super-Drew knows that the only way to get through the crazy is with the magic pills.

Super-Drew has some quality time with Amy to figure out what’s really going on in her head. He gets right down to business determining that Amy has an emotional problem when he finds that Amy numbs herself in order to make sexy tapes. Amy seems to think that no one else will hire her aside from the Adult film industry, but I’m pretty sure she hasn’t tried McDonalds yet.

Amy claims that the media is to blame for creating this monster that can’t get any decent jobs. Did she forget that she shot someone in the head?

Bang! Bang!

Then comes the biggest battle of all: Bai Ling vs. The Voices in Her Head. She starts the day off bright and early by refusing to get up and tearing her nameplate off the wall. Thanks to the hidden cameras around the facility, we bear witness to the greatest game of hide and seek ever; it’s like Crouching Tiger, Hidden Bai Ling. Super-Drew’s helpers finally find her in her hiding place: the roof.

Will Super-Drew save her from her crazy self?

Find out next time on SUPER-DREW!!