Celebrity Rehab: The Adventures of Super-Drew!

“The quest for true sobriety begins again. Right here. Right now.”

You thought I was kidding when I said Dr. Drew was getting his superhero disease fighting one-sie. Hollywood is his Gotham and he won’t rest until the disease is eradicated. Which will be never.

As long as there have been stars, there has been addiction. You’d think after watching generation after generation of stars hitting rock bottom and even dying from substance abuse, the new generation would get a clue. Unfortunately, with Reality TV whoring out the population, the new generation of stars thinks that the only way you gain notoriety is by being a sloppy mess who can’t handle your shit. In fact, the sloppier you are, the more air time you get.

We start the show with Dr. Drew going over all the accomplishments he’s made with all the poor faltering celebrities who don’t know what to do with the burden of their fame.

First we meet victim #1: Amy Fisher, the Long Island Lolita.  According to Amy, she was an innocent teenager who just happened to shoot her married boyfriend’s wife, Mary Jo Buttafuoco, and was slandered by the media. She just innocently went over to Joey Buttafuoco’s house to inform her boyfriend’s wife that she was sleeping with her husband and when Mary Jo walked away in disgust, she had no choice but to shoot her for her disrespect. Then she was wrongly imprisoned for 6 years and today she is “just somebody who is trying to survive.”

But let’s put the past in the past and let bygones be bygones. Now Amy is married with 3 kids and happily making her living in the Adult film industry, a modern day Cinderella tale.

Her problem: She can’t make her Adult films without taking a drink, or two, or five. But once she does, “I’m a fun girl after that!” Amy, you not being able to do porn without a few drinks is your conscience telling you that what you are doing is wrong and you are physically uncomfortable with it. You drinking is just silencing your conscience and deadening your soul. Plus you have 3 kids! What are you going to do on ‘Take your Daughter to work day’? I highly doubt this is a career path you want to encourage her to follow.

Never fear! Dr. Drew is here to rescue this fair damsel in distress! To the sober-mobile!

How the F@$% do you not know what a blackout is??

Amy arrives and Shelly begins the humiliating Q & A. She asks Amy if she’s ever blacked out before to which Amy responds, “I’m not sure because I’m not sure what a blackout is. I never really investigated it to know.” How can you be a proper alcoholic without knowing what a blackout is? If you are a true alcoholic, it’s part of your daily lexicon as something you try to achieve in order to get through the day.

Also, you never “investigated” a blackout Amy? As if a blackout is the perp and she’s hot on his trail, trying to figure out if he dunnit. I don’t think she knows the proper meaning of investigated either, it was just a long word that happened to be floating around in her head at the moment and she thought that it sounded good so out her mouth it came!

Shelly proceeds to take away Amy’s cosmetics and her phone. Amy is beside herself with grief. She can’t look at herself in the mirror unless she has her hooker brows painted in.

Finally Dr. Drew appears, waving his cape of glory behind him. Amy need not fret her loss of cosmetics, phone and tv any longer, Dr. Drew is here to save the day!

He begins fighting the disease by asking it questions, including “Do you blackout?” This seems to be a favorite among the disease-fighting team members. Amy tells him that she blacks out every time she drinks, but she thought that everybody did. Then Drew punches the disease in the face – POW! – No fair maiden Amy! “That’s a sign of an abnormal relationship with alcohol.”

Then he dives deep into the heart of the disease, the vulnerable underbelly from which all the drinking and forgetting of past events due to a novel concept of “blackout” began. Amy rehashes the sob story she told us before; how the media is painting her as some ‘monster’ who shoots people in the head, when she is just a girl, living in this ‘big bad world’ shooting people in the head. After telling her that she is indeed fucked up, Dr. Drew says that he can definitely save her…because he’s a superhero.

Hobie!!!

On to victim #2: Jeremy Jackson or Hobie from Baywatch. His drug of choice is crystal meth with alcohol chasers. He would do drugs and fuck girls because that’s what you are supposed to do as a young hot Baywatch actor, no matter how insignificant your character is. Anyways, he went to jail for 90 days and was scared straight into rehab. But without Dr. Drew to save him, he slipped back into another addiction: Steroids. Jeremy says he wants to be the next Sylvester Stalone, and he was serious. Statements like that make me glad that he is seeking the professional help of Dr. Drew.

Jeremy arrives at the facility with enough stuff for a family of six. In one of his many boxes, Jeremy has his own filtration system, which he uses to purify his water. The ever-generous Shelly offers the option of just drinking the bottled water at the facility and leaving the filtration factory at home, but Jeremy insists that the plastic in water bottles leads to cancer and bisexuality. This is a fact. I feel the most bisexual after drinking a liter of Fiji water.

In the intimate disease fighting Q & A with Dr. Drew, Jeremy admits that one of the gazillion steroids he’s taking right now is something they inject into cattle, pre-slaughter. It seems that Jeremy is prepping his body into becoming one of the finest cuts of human steak in town.

But your allergy!!!

Victim #3: Bai Ling, the Asian space case. In her intro she tells us she is “from the moon”. I don’t know what she means by this but I’m pretty sure she’s a wack-a-doo guaranteed to give us some primo entertainment over the course of her stay with Super-Drew. She’s an alcoholic who believes that alcohol makes you do things because she goes crazy when she’s drinking. It’s amazing to me to see how surprised people are that they lose control when they drink. Technically, that is the definition of what alcohol does: it impairs control of your behavior and judgment, thus “freeing your inhibitions” and helping you do things like dance on the table and fall all over the laps of strangers. Bai Ling says that she is “allergic to alcohol” but she drinks it anyway.

Ling Ling arrives at the facility, looks around and pulls out an enormous piece of pink chalk. On the brick in front of the facility she writes, “Grandmother, please protect me. Fullfill my dreams.” and then draws a big heart around it. She then lights a candle and leaves it burning in the center of the heart. Wack-a-doo Move #1. Why is she asking her grandmother for help? Doesn’t she know Super-Drew is going to protect her?

Crazy deed done, she sits in the planter to cry. Shelly has to come outside to wrangle craze-balls into the building.

Ling Ling immediately goes in to Super-Drew because Shelly can’t handle that level of crazy. She admits to Drew that she drinks past her alcohol allergy because she feels “fragile”. I feel like aggravating an allergy by ingesting MORE of the allergen would make you fragile, but that’s just me, I just got a Bachelor’s in Psychology. I’m no Super-Drew.

Is it my turn to famous yet?

Victim #4: Michael Lohan, the man who hangs his hat on his disaster daughter, Lindsay Lohan. Unlike his daughter, Michael didn’t drink through his high school and college years, it was when he got to Wall Street that the disease crept up on him.  The culture of Wall Street is all about making a lot of money and partying so Michael made sure he had candy bowls full of coke on his desk at all times. Then he got arrested for insider trading and the party ended. They don’t let you keep your candy bowls of coke in jail.

Michael had nothing interesting to unpack so he goes straight to Dr. Drew. Mike and Drew are friends from back in the day when they joined forces against Lindsay, going on Larry King to tell the public that they told her not to drink. So now, Super-Drew has informed Michael that within the walls of the facility, he is going to tell Michael things that he doesn’t want to hear and that they aren’t going to be able to do their secret handshake anymore. Then Michael loses his cool and the waterworks start.

Victim #5: Sean Young, a former hottie. According to Sean, alcohol is just something that you do when you are in Hollywood. Her rock bottom was when she broke onto the Batman set dressed in a homemade catwoman suit and demanded to be cast in the role. Then she began stalking James Woods and left a disfigured voodoo doll on his front doorstep. But that’s just how the media painted her out to be, she really had a logical reason for all the seemingly crazy things she did. Apparently according to every “victim” on the show thus far, without the media people would think that all the crazy shit stars do is just the norm. She then got belligerent at a DGA event and was escorted out by multiple security guards to “prove a point” because she was “dead already”.

Sean arrives, covered in dead animal. Instead of going in to the doctor, Sean smokes and shoots the shit with Bai, her first new friend. They exchange sad dead-eyed glances and talk about how much they want some champagne right now. Then Sean laughs that sad laugh that trails off when she is hit with the realization of just how sad she really is.

But we still have more victims! Super-Drew, however are you going to fight this much disease all at once?

Victim #6: Steven Adler from Guns N’ Roses.  Steven is a repeat victim that Super-Drew has been saving since 2008. He loves the heroine and the crack. Jennifer is still traumatized by Steven because he attacked her in Sober House, one of his prior failed rescues. When Shelly breaks the news to Jennifer, she breaks down and starts hyperventilating at the patio furniture set.

How will Super-Drew save these poor victims from the media and the disease? Find out next time on SUPER-DREW!