Celebrity Rehab: Where are they now?

Ever the sucker for more opportunities to exploit himself, Dr. Drew is hosting a Celebrity Rehab Revisted special. To Drew, celebrities are like manna from heaven; without them, he would starve.

We first check in with Bai Ling. Ling Ling had a touch of the crazies, as you may recall. The highlight from her stay had to be the “roof incident”, when she climbed on the roof of the facility and refused to come down, even when Drew stood with his hands on his hips making Tsk noises.

We relive all the precious home videos of Bai Ling partying off the chain and her admitting to being molested as a child. Oh the memories!

Bai says she hasn’t had anything to drink since she left rehab and then we watch an emotional clip as she picks up her mother from the airport. Ling Ling sits on the floor of the airport like a 5-year-old child and squeals out like a baby panda hungry for milk when she spots her mother. I think Bai Ling may have that thing that Michael Jackson had where they think they’re still children, except Bai Ling nursed the issue with alcohol and Michael nursed it with a magical playland filled to the brim with little boys.

The best part about finding out how Bai is doing now is in the background they are playing the dramatic music they used in Homeward Bound when the pets finally found their home.

Ling Ling is doing awesome now; she’s landed herself a role as a bounty hunter on a new movie and her acting career is back on track! She has found a healthy way to express herself through martial arts or maybe she’s just plotting her revenge and waiting for her time to strike the moon goddess that betrayed her.

As long as we’re busy reliving great moments, lets take a moment to cherish those provided to us by Michael Lohan, the man whole will enrage himself to death with or without cameras following him.

Dr. Drew’s narration is the most canned reading I have ever heard. When he described Michael as “frustrating”, he raised his shoulder with a little twinkle in his eye as if he were filming a scene from Leave It To Beaver.  If Drew is going to insist on pretending to care about these people, he should go to an acting class so that he can learn about what real feelings look like.

Michael takes full credit for fucking up his daughter, but only because it gets him more attention from the tabloids. He talks about the trauma he experienced in prison because men were putting up pictures of Lindsay in their lockers. It’s really traumatizing that your daughter is a celebrity and her picture is available everywhere. Get over it! She’s the only reason anyone is paying any attention to you in the first place.

Michael’s special moment in rehab was the moment he almost got arrested. There was yelling and police and then more yelling and a stern talking to and then the police left. I can’t believe I got all excited that he was going to get arrested and then it didn’t happen! What a tease!

Where is he now? In the lobby of his daughter’s apartment building in West Hollywood waiting for her to let him up. Just keep waiting Michael. Just keep waiting.

Besides the waiting, Michael has decided to answer his calling of being an intervention ally. There is no one I would like to be involved in my intervention less than Michael Lohan.  What’s he going to do if an addict doesn’t respond to the intervention? Yell until he turns blue in the face and has a heart attack? Very effective.

Thank God Drew has the insight to see that this is a bad idea and decides to intervene!  Michael agrees to meet with Drew because it’s going to be on camera and that’s when Bob decides to tell Michael how bad he is at aftercare. Then Drew jumps in to tell him what an awful horrible terrible no good idea it is for him to try to help other people. I’m just upset with his choice of shoes without socks.  This is not Key West and you’re nobody’s fashionable yacht captain.

The next member of rehab we revisit is Jeremy Jackson. Cue the lovely home videos of Jeremy shooting up steroids and listing every steroid he’s on. I have trouble identifying where his head ends and his neck begins.

But that was the past, and we have to see where Jeremy is now. He’s maniacally running on the beach! Sounds like a healthy alternative to injecting your self with $10,000 worth of steroids. I can’t get over how womanly his eyes and eyebrows look. They are even womanlier than the woman he has decided to re-ignite the fire with.

Bob stops by Jeremy’s new pad and makes note of how steroid-less his environment is. There is almost nothing in his kitchen now that all the needles are gone. I swear, if he puts on a wig, he could be Teresa Giudice from Real Housewives of New Jersey.

And then there’s the Celebrity Rehab sweetheart, Amy Fisher; the adorable girl who stole our hearts by shooting her lover’s wife in the face and doing porn because no one else would hire her.

Amy’s highlight: When Jeremy’s moo-cow sister called Amy the “Buttafuoco (I think that’s the right spelling.  I don’t know.  Maybe you already looked it up and I’m wrong) face shooter” and then her gramps-band promised to kill everybody where they stand.

For some odd reason Amy thinks that everyone perceives her to be a bad person. I don’t know what she thinks qualifies her as a good person. I’m pretty sure that shooting someone in the face doesn’t fit into the whole “Treat others as you would want to be treated” rule.

Now, Amy has finally said no to her gramps-band and put an end to her porn career. But that’s not all! Mary Jo Buttafuoco saw the show, felt inspired by Amy’s progress and agreed to meet with her. It turns out Mary Jo was addicted to pain pills after the shooting and has empathy for the former porn star. If I were shot in the face by my husband’s lover, I think I would be entitled to take all the pain pills I want, because I WAS SHOT IN THE FACE!!!

Either way, this demands a spinoff.  It will be Laverne and Shirley meets Requiem for a Dream.

Bob rushes over to Amy’s house to tell her about the new opportunity for publicity, but is met with a less than enthusiastic response.  Amy does not feel the need to apologize to Mary Jo anymore. She just got mad. Whoops. Sorry about your face.

This special is just a condensed version of what happened throughout the entire season of Celerity Rehab 5. If you were lucky enough to miss the entire season, this special is just the thing for you!

If you are even luckier and missed the special, you get to keep the 100,000 brain cells I just lost after watching it.

Tune in next week when we find out what the rest of the misfits are