Hey hey, Gasmii. So after a few passive aggressive Facebook posts directed at Mr Flipit, and regarding how the Kardashians were sucking my will to live, he took mercy on me and let me take on the joys of Celebrity Wife Swap. I’m not sure who will be taking over Kardashian duties, but if it’s not taken care of by tomorrow then I will grace you all with one last recap of their vapid, meaningless existence before going back to a life where I only know what they’re doing if it winds up on The Soup.
Tell me everything, McHale…
Wife Swap works by swapping out wives from two very different families and making them live with their new families for a week. Half-way through there’s a Rules Change where the new mom can stop living by the old house rules and make everyone in the house live under her new rules. Then there’s yelling and crying and arguments but eventually everyone learns a valuable lesson about keeping their minds and hearts open to other ways of thinking and blah blah blah. Then the wives meet up at the very end to make passive aggressive jabs at each others’ families while smiling real big. Everyone got it? Good. Let’s see who ABC is willing to call “celebrities” with a straight face.
We made the least true part of the title really small so maybe no one would notice
This week it’s Tracy Gold and Carnie Wilson. Here, maybe these pictures will help.
Before they were no longer relevant
Holy balls, did ABC just swap out the fat chick from Wilson Phillips with the anorexic chick from Growing Pains???? Those are some sadistic fucking network heads right there.
Let’s meet the wives! Carnie is married to a douchie looking guy named Rob and they have two adorably pudgy little girls. They have a full staff of cleaners and nannies and yet their house is messy and their kids aren’t given a whole lot of rules. Ladies and gentlemen, meet your hippie dippy new age family for this week’s swap.
Carnie talks about how hard it’s been touring with Wilson Phillips the past month. Wilson Phillips still tours???? Are you shitting me??? Why did no one tell me about this? Do you know how long it’s been since I went on a good mall tour? She comes home for the first time in four weeks and Rob barely looks up from his music to say hello. He seems like a keeper.
Top: Carnie’s husband Rob, Bottom: Possible endorsement deal if this being married to a rich fat chick thing doesn’t work out.
Let’s see what our other family is doing. Tracy, inquiring minds want to know… Did you go as completely batshit insane as your co-star Kirk Cameron? Her husband is named Roby, and they seem to have the opposite relationship that Carnie and her Rob have. Lots of physical affection and eye contact going on here. They have four boys with relatively normal names (Sage is pushing it, but the rest are real names) and all these kids are sort of adorably pudgy too. I love pudgy kids.
Is that Uncle Joey in the back? Quick, someone ask him to do Bullwinkle.
The Gold family is very very organized, and Tracy tells her oldest that she’s counting on him to be good and gracious and make sure the others are good as well. So far the Gold family dynamic, while a bit boring and possibly the whitest thing ever, seems really sweet. Tracy says she’s doing the show because she’s so proud of her family and wants to show them off. This is where I get concerned, because families this put together and perfect usually wind up with one kid who winds up on Intervention due to the pressure to be exactly what mommy and daddy want.
You guys wanna get high?
The wives pack and get in their cars with very little fanfare, but on the ride over Tracy starts crying about how lucky the person is who will be living with her family for the next week. Either these guys love the shit out of each other 0r she is on some awesome prescriptions because I know she’s not that good of an actress.
She’s just thinking about Leonardo DiCaprio’s career and how unfair it is
Moment of truth as the cars pull up. No one knows who they’re swapping with, and in the grand tradition of regular Wife Swap, the new wives come in to explore an empty house and walk around commenting on the way some random stranger lives. Carnie calls the Gold home “Stepford” and Tracy seems twitchy and ready to have an anxiety attack for a minute when she sees the mess in the Wilson home. She gets super stoked when she realizes she’s at Carnie Wilson’s house though, so it’s not too bad.
Each wife leaves the new wife a manual regarding how their house is run, and right off the bat Miss Carnie starts freaking out over how many kids she’ll be living with. There are all the obvious differences in household running styles. Tracy’s home is on a schedule. They have no nannies, no staff, no help at all. Carnie lives in a madhouse with lots of helpers and a husband that ignores her. So, control freak, meet lazy bitch.
Also, what’s with the tome??? Are we to believe that Carnie Wilson wrote out 500 pages of instructions for the new wife?
The families get home to meet their new wives. The Gold family is very polite, and everyone but Rob is nice in the Wilson home. Carnie is kinda freaking me out by having a panic attack over the four boys, despite the fact that all four boys are sitting quietly and being well-mannered.
Outlander!!! We have your woman!!!!
The next morning, Carnie displays her pathetic lack of domestic skills by being incapable of turning on a stove or grabbing a kid a t-shirt. At Carnie’s house, the helpers take care of the house and take the kids off someplace for the day, while Rob sleeps late and then hides in his studio, leaving Tracy wandering around an empty house wondering what to do with herself.
The nannies get home with the kids and everyone sits down to dinner, except for Rob, who continues hiding in his music room. The kids are clearly sad that daddy is never around, and I’m sorry, but daddy is a dick-bag.
Sad kids make Themiki sad…
Well, we’ve reached the half-way point, and it’s time for the loaner wives to make their own rules. Carnie unleashes anarchy with her rule change, basically saying they can do whatever they want and skip their classes and not be on a schedule.
Oh, were we supposed to make a sign? I’ve just been huffing these things for the past three hours
Tracy gives the help the day off and says that the whole family will be eating dinner together. Daddy is fucking douche-canoe about it though, and keeps saying, “We’ll see…” about any rule that involves him spending time with his offspring.
I pay a nanny to love my children for me
Meanwhile, Carnie is teaching the boys too belch and run around like crazy little monkeys. Being kids, they love the opportunity to run wild, and Roby looks like he’s about to stroke out, but he plays along and keeps his mouth shut in the name of fair play. Carnie tells the kids, who are usually given pre-picked outfits by their mom, that they can wear whatever they want. The youngest boy immediately puts on a cape.
I have no snark. This is too flippin cute.
Being a giant tool and not giving two shits about fair play, Rob takes the very first rule, which is that the whole family drives together to take Lola (the older kiddo) to camp, and just pisses all over it. He tells Tracy he needs to go get dressed, but then takes off to his music room and starts playing guitar. His poor kids looked so excited that he would actually be in a car with them for fifteen minutes, and then the guitar sounds started drifting out of the studio and you could see their little hearts breaking. Could someone please maybe kick this guy in his stupid dick?
Don’t let him push you onto a pole, you adorable child. I know he named you Lola and then ignored you your whole life, but rebel by being wildly successful or something, please?
Tracy goes and retrieves Captain Dickbag, and they drive his progeny off to camp.
Over on the Stepford side of the city, Carnie gives the boys Silly String and temporary spray on hair color. Sage, the oldest, seems unable to mellow out and have fun, so Carnie sits him down and tries to talk him into acting like a kid. Sage seems to be one of those kids that was born a little old man though, and he has no interest in Silly String and purple hair.
On the opposite end of the spectrum, Tracy sits down with Rob and has a long talk about him maybe acting like an adult. Rob at least sorta listens, but the guy is such an immature bag of dicks that I’m pretty sure if I sat close enough my TV would smell like Axe Body Spray whenever he came on.
Hold on, I’m writing a song about a guy whose kids hate him and throw him in a third rate nursing home the day he turns 55
It’s the last night of the swap, and Roby is telling Carnie how much he’s dying to hug his wife because he loves her so much. Being around this sort of domesticity is making Carnie realize how totally useless her own husband is.
Speaking of the useless ass, his own kid is screaming at dinner because she doesn’t know him and her mommy and nanny aren’t there. If your own child hates you that much then maybe it’s time to pull your head out of your stupid ass and be a dad, okay? Grrrr… Hate.
Stop making the adorable pudgy children cry!
After some final words with their new families, the wives get ready to say goodbye and then go reunite with their own families. Both sets of parents get loaded into limos and driven to a park to rejoin their spouses.
Guess which couple is happier to see each other
Everyone sits down to discuss their time together. Tracy mentions how Rob was gone most of the time and it was tough to get him to spend time with his family. Rob defends himself, but half-heartedly because Carnie is agreeing with everything Tracy says.
Carnie then says that she felt like the house was way too uptight and constantly running around getting a million different things done. Carnie feels like Sage is too responsible for how old he is, and wishes he would act like a kid more.
Then these get super awkward when Carnie tells Rob how much better Roby is at being a husband. Haha. Roby tries to help Rob out by suggesting ways to get closer, and nothing gets heated or anything. Umm… Boring. Someone slap a bitch.
Then the moms get to go home and see their kids, and that’s it. And just when I’m about to bitch about this show being a little boring, I see a preview for the next show, which swaps Ted Haggard (the Evangelical preacher who got caught doing blow off a male prostitute’s ass) with Gary muthafucking Busey. Hahahahahahahaha. Okay, I will jump on that episode as quickly as possible, because yay!!!! That gonna be some cray cray.
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