Celebrity Wife Swap Recap: Flava Flav and Dee Snider

Hey hey, Gasmii.  Yay, the site’s working again!!!  I was tempted to just post this recap without any pictures so that I wouldn’t get behind, but it’s Flava Flav week, and how the fuck are you gonna have Flava Flav week without any fucking pictures?  That’s just crazy talk.

 

Picture presented without comment 

So you guys remember Dee Snyder right?

Seen here during his brief Moulin Rouge phase

He is married to a total trophy wife, and they have four kids and a granddaughter.  She is a super-wife/super-mom/handyman.  She doesn’t work, but if the family is to be believed she’s the sort of stay-at-home mom who makes workaholics look lazy.  I’ve got my eyes peeled for any nannies, housekeepers, gardeners, etc, because while I believe that being a homemaker is a perfectly legitimate thing to call your career, if you hire people to do it for you then you might as well just admit you’re a trophy wife/glorified hooker.

Just leave the money on the nightstand

 

And who could forget Flava Flav.  No one who gets Vh1, that’s for damn sure.  I’m constantly being told that he’s a rapper, and somewhere in the dark recesses of my Junior High memories I know that to be true, but at this point he’s a fame whore and to call him anything else seems almost like an insult.  Anyone that tore up who can get girls to fight for the right to touch skeazy, shriveled junk is a god unto reality TV has-beens.  Someone erect this man a statue, post haste!

He’s already posing for it.  Start sculpting!!!

 

Flava is engaged to some chick, and they have two sons together.  Clearly these sons are older than the Flava of Love TV show, so either they’re not actually her kids, or that whole show was a facade.  Say it isn’t so!!!!!  I checked Wikipedia, and the older son is the fiance’s from a previous marriage, but the little one is the fruit of their combined loins.  And that’s twice in two paragraphs that I’ve made you think of Flava Flav’s loins.  You’re welcome.

This man gets more ass than you could ever dream of.  Yes, really.

Anyway, Mrs. Flav’s mother lives with them, and she looks TERRIFYING.

Their kids are adorable, because genetics favor those who spread the DNA around.  Mixed race babies are better than your babies and I totally want one.

These two…

Combine to make this

The wives pack up and arrive at their new homes.  The Sniders clearly have the much nicer house, and Mrs. Snider looks slightly horrified by her new surroundings.  Check out their manuals!  From this angle you can totally see how few pages they staple into these blank sketchbooks.

Who are you trying to fool, ABC???

The horrifying mother of Mrs. Flav (yeah, I’ll start typing their names when they show them again because these bitches aren’t worth rewinding the Tivo for) is apparently the housekeeper and nanny for little Karma, which is a really gay thing to name a male child.  If you named your daughter that you’d be setting her up for a career that involved a Buckcherry song and a pole.  Gramma Scary takes Karma five days a week so that mom can sit around and read self-help books and crochet.  Life is so tough.

 

The husbands come home and Flava is a thousand different kinds of excited to be meeting Suzette (Mrs. Snider), and Liz (Mrs. Flav) is cordial but terrified and kind of stand-offish upon seeing how many kids there are to take care of.  Dee says he wouldn’t have expected Flava’s wife to look like Liz, which I think is Dee’s super subtle way of calling her fat and homely.

He’s not wrong…

Dee and the kids explain to Liz just how much Suzette generally does, and Liz looks like she’s stoked she took a handful of benzos that are just now kicking in.

Suzette loves Flav’s kids, but she makes note of how much time Flava spends on his cell phone.  Mark my words, if there is any drama this episode, it will be over the cell phone.  People with cell-phone addictions are worse than fucking alcoholics if you take away their fix or mention that they have a problem.

Damn pigs took my babies again (if that made you think of cops and not Angry Birds, congratulations, you’re a racist)

The next morning Liz’s mom shows up to take Karma for the day and Flava takes off to go bowling with his friends.  Suzette is bored, but manages to fill up her time being horrified by how little time the Flavs devote to their children.

Over in the Snider house, Liz is trying to follow a recipe to make dinner, and sucking pretty epically at it.  The kids try to help her out (they’re a little obnoxious, but seem like really nice kids) and she just stares like she has some bitchy form of autism.  There is something about Liz that I really really don’t like.  Something that makes me think she spends most of her time resenting her children, rolling her eyes, and feeling entitled.

Maybe it’s because she makes this twatty face all the time

Liz tells the cameras that the kids are just as clueless as she is, which is an obvious sign that their mom does way too much for them.  Really?  I mean… Really?  Are you fucking kidding me, Liz?  I believe at this very moment your own mother is rearing your children and probably cooking for them so that you don’t have to.  Don’t fucking judge this family because some boys in their early 20’s don’t know how to follow a recipe.  Have you ever eaten dinner at a college dorm?  Boys that age generally eat things that are either made by a parent or stuffed in a Hot Pocket.  You, however, are a fucking grown woman with two children who can’t follow what looks like an extremely simple chicken recipe.  You’re a selfish twat, and you don’t even realize how hypocritical you’re being by letting your mom continue to take care of your stupid ass well into adult-hood, while criticizing another mother for giving a damn about her family.  Get fucked, Liz.  Get fucked.

Dee comes in and puts an end to the madness by putting away the recipe and ordering a pizza.  Good call.

 

The next morning Flava wakes up and makes breakfast for the kids, which Suzette thinks is super sweet.  Then he takes the kids out on the trampoline, which surprises Suzette because Liz’s manual mentioned that he never spent any time with his kids.

 

Speaking of the twatwaffle, Liz is waking up and taking a look at all the chores she has to do that day.  First she has to style the oldest boy’s mohawk, which she sucks at, but he pretends she did a good job because while they might be mama’s boys, Suzette has clearly raised her children to have manners.  For those of you born after 1990, manners are this thing that kids used to be expected to have, and that kids still have if their parents give a shit and pay attention to them and instill discipline when necessary.

So the opposite of this child.  Come at me, schizo mom!!!!!

Liz’s next chore is to power-wash the deck.  The boys watch her do it entirely wrong, and giggle from the other side of the sliding glass door.

Not to be a sexist ass, but as holders of ‘Y’ chromosomes you should really be helping

 

Back in Vegas, Flava is hamming it up for the fans that want pictures and talking on his cell phone non-stop.  Suzette gets pissed and tells him he needs to put the phone away, which startles Flav because he’s used to his personality-less fiance who is always on horse tranquilizers.  After some phone-related bickering the family do a Sky Jump together, which is Vegas for bungee jumping.

Suzette is stoked that Flava spent time with his family and made an effort, she just wishes he could put the phone away and make his kids feel like they’re more important than random strangers who want to take his picture.

At the Sniders’ there’s band practice going on downstairs, where the daughter sings with some friends in a rock band. Liz is, shockingly, not a fan of the loud music or the reminder that children exist.  Fuck balls, I’m just gonna say it:  Liz, you are not pretty enough to be this useless.  Not even close.

You must be at least this hot before being hot can be considered your purpose in life

Suzette is talking to Liz’s mom about how much time Flava spends away from home without his family.

Because how could any man want to go out when he had all this sexy excitement waiting at home

In contrast, Dee is taking Liz out to date night, which is a regular thing that he and his wife do.  Liz is finally enjoying herself now that she doesn’t have to like, actually do anything.  So I haven’t done any research or anything, and they may be getting a really good edit, but I’m digging the Snider family.  If anyone knows of any information about how secretly fucked up they are, then by all means share it in the comments, but I instantly like people better when I see that their kids are happy and well-mannered.  Plus Dee is coming off as a pretty decent father.  I kinda hope this isn’t all for the cameras, because I’d like to think it’s possible for celebrities to raise their kids to be decent human beings.

Douchey, but decent

 

Oh hey, it’s rule change time!  Suzette is writing hers on glass with a marker that still has the cap on….

Snider house rules:  Mom gets a day off, the boys finish the deck (which she should have done already), Dee makes dinner, and they need quiet, crocheting, and crafts.  That sounds like a blast.

Rule 1: Act like old ladies

At Flava’s house, Mr Flav has deserted the rule change and disappeared without saying a word about where he was.  He apologizes when he gets home and while Suzette is pissed about it, Flav is clearly good at subduing angry chicks and within minutes he’s got her hugging it out.  I need to learn his dark magic.

The fuck??  Is he a wizard????

Suzette’s rules:  Everyone spends time together as a family, Grandma gets the day off, Flava leaves his phone on silent and doesn’t make phone calls, he doesn’t leave his family to sign autographs, and he doesn’t hang out with his friends.  If he wants to go bowling he can take his family with him.  Flava is not happy and he goes outside because he doesn’t want his son to see him throw a tantrum.  Thank you, Mr. Flav.  You shouldn’t be throwing a tantrum in the first place, but at least you’re trying to protect your child from it.  Now what are you going to do to protect him from seeing you pass around your herpes on basic cable?

 

At the Sniders’ Liz puts the boys to work and sits around reading.  While there’s a part of me that thinks it’ll be good for the Snider boys to realize just how much work their mother does for them, I still hate Liz for being so goddamn worthless.

 

Flava’s older boy, who is not his biological son, sits down to chat with Suzette.  He’s a very soft-spoken well-mannered kid, and says it’s because his biological father is a cell guard at a maximum security prison and is very very strict.  Then Flava comes busting in and asks what he’s supposed to do when his friends come over.  Like, is he just supposed to tell them to go home?  Yeah, I think we’ve all had this argument come up, only I think we were thirteen-years-old and arguing with our mom about being made to have family fun day when we wanted to sneak off and get high at the park.

You’re ruining my life!!!!!!

Flava says he’s gonna try really hard to follow the rules, but the phone is out before he finishes his sentence.  Suzette plans out a day together to go sky-diving and hang out, but Flava vanishes for an hour and then comes home and half listens to Suzette being angry that they missed their sky-diving window while texting on his cell phone.  Flava tries to work his dark magic again, but Suzette ain’t having it.

 

Liz decides to teach the Sniders to crochet, and the son in the stupid hat asks her to teach him to crochet a noose so that he can hang himself.  They say that they kinda dug the time to sit down and just chill.  Then she brings in a blackjack table to bring a little Vegas into the house.  The family has fun, and Liz seems slightly more like something that resembles a human when she’s doing stuff she enjoys.

Does anyone have the time?  I’d hate to miss Diagnosis Murder.

Flava decides he hasn’t pissed off his new wife quite enough, so he calls his sister-in-law to take Karma for the day, and then goes back inside to talk to Suzette and answers his phone in the middle of their conversation.  Flava agrees to write a contract out wherein he promises to follow all the rules, and then seems confused when she mentions that one of the rules was that the family be together.  Suzette decides to spend her final evening in a hotel, because she can’t deal with his shit.

Flavor tries real hard to stop her 

She sits down with the older boy and lets him know she’s leaving, and then gets all teary eyed and says what a great kid he is and how she just wants to take him home with her.  Poor little dude.  I hope he spends a lot more time with his real dad when they’re not filming a TV show because this family he has here is fucking useless.

It’s time for the couples to meet up in the park before returning to their families.  Suzette is traveling alone because she left the swap a day early.  Dee tells Liz that since they all got along so well that there was no reason to think their spouses didn’t have a great time too.  Liz seems less confident.

Dee and Suzette see each other and light up like a couple of kids in love.  It’s cute.  Flav eventually makes it to the park too.  Has someone made a joke already about how a dude with a giant fucking clock around his neck should be able to make it places on time?  I feel like I can’t possibly be the first blogger to make this connection.

Sorry, I lost track of time…

 

Dee sits down and says that they had a great time with Liz and Liz says that the Snider clan were all fabulous and made her feel welcome.  Suzette says a lot of that is because Dee chooses to be a involved with his family, unlike some people she just spent a week with.  Flava gets all sorts of defensive about what a great husband he is.  Suzette does not pull any punches, telling Flava that he’s selfish and disrespectful and rude.

I was saving my baby birds from pigs all week.  I’m an excellent father!!! 

Dee looks scared and says he’s never seen his wife this angry, and Liz looks uncomfortable but pretty much used to this sort of bullshit. She finally chimes in that Flava and her used to spend a lot more time together, but then the baby came along. Suzette points out that the baby is never there anyway and Dee asks Liz what she needs a nanny for when she doesn’t have a job.  THANK YOU!

 

Dee looks kinda pissed about how his wife’s week went, but says that he just wants to say that Liz was great and the family loved her, which gets Liz and Suzette talking, which is much more civil. Flava starts texting while Liz is talking, and Suzette yells at him for it.  Suzette tells Liz that her kids are absolutely wonderful, and with that they head home to their families.

 

This show always ends with hugging and stuff.  Families missed each other, they say that, it’s really not worth recapping.

 

Next week, we push the limits of the word “Celebrity” by swapping out Niecy Nash and Tina Yothers.  Tina fucking Yothers.  Really, ABC?  I guess we were bound to hit a lame spot at some point in the season.  This better not be a sign of things to come.

 

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