Hey hey Gasmii! Oh how I’ve missed you. I thought that Wife Swap was on break for the past two weeks, because my Tivo swore it wasn’t on, but somehow I missed the Tina Yothers/Niecy Nash episode in there somewhere.
Even my Tivo refuses to recognize that this is a celebrity…. (P.S. TheMiki has a birthday coming up and this book is available on Amazon…)
I was trying like hell to find a repeat to record, but since that didn’t work out, and since I’m gonna have to find the damn episode online, I figured I might as well recap the episode from this week, since I have that one recorded. Sorry it’s late. I know, I know… I’m late a lot. Sorry kids. It’s been overtime central at work for the past few months, and my broke ass needs the money, and then when I get home my overworked ass needs a nap, and then nothing winds up getting done because I’m half-asleep and lazy.
Enough with the whining and justifying, eh? Let’s get to some recapping!
This week, Mick “Mankind” Foley of WWF fame is swapping wives with Antonio Sabato Jr, of dimples and rock hard abs fame.
Antonio is a Model/Actor (and not the other way around)
He has two kids and a fiance. They have already been through couple’s therapy and they’re not even married yet. The older child, Mina, is very self-sufficient and driven and wicked adorable.
Kids this cute make my biological clock tick like a fucking time-bomb
The fiance is OCD and a little psycho and has the “Crazy eyes.”
If you meet a girl with eyes like this, you run the fuck away
Mick, on the other hand, has been married for 21 years and has four kids. Mick calls them, “A Handful” which means they’re probably total assholes. Mrs. WWF is exhausted because her husband and chitlins are useless around the house, and they’re hoping the wife swap can introduce the family to some structure.
The wives kiss their families goodbye and hop in their limos to meet their new families. The Sabato family lives in L.A., while the Foleys reside in Florida in a luxury beach front condo. Right off the bat, Mrs Sabato is freaked out by how dirty her new home is, but it turns out she’s a huge wrestling fan and she gets crazy excited when she realizes she’ll be living with Mankind.
ABC paid me a lot of money to pretend to know who this guy is…
Manual reading time!
Seen here pretending she can read…
The Sabatos are neat freaks, the Foleys are not. Mick is a slob, Antonio is a pretty boy. Mrs Foley is worried about Mina’s gymnastics schedule (9 hours a week) and Mrs Sabato is worried about how little help the Foley kids provide their mommy.
The husbands get home with the kids and the introductions are mostly uneventful. Holy crap is Mina precious! I’m waiting to see if some sort of crazy brat behavior rears its ugly head, but holy shit, she’s making my ovaries twitch. I’m gonna have to put on Toddlers and Tiaras to convince myself not to run out and reproduce as soon as this show is over.
Someone play a horrific Pixie Stix fueled meltdown before I start shopping for a turkey baster!
No one warns you, but when you’re getting ready to turn 30 your girly parts take on a mind of their own.
Right off the bat Colette (that’s Mrs Foley) struggles with all the crap that needs to be checked off the giant list of chores on the fridge.
#17. Try to take over the world…
We get to watch Antonio work out at the gym, which does nothing for me, but since most of the ‘Gasm like the penis, here are some screenshots:
Over at The Foleys, Cheryl is cleaning a super messy house while four kids and a husband sit on their asses doing nothing. Okay, that’s helping with the ovary twitches.
This is like a snooze button for a biological clock
Back at the Sabatos, Colette is having an easier time because Mina is helping her with all of her chores and GODDAMMITTHEOVARIESARETWITCHINGAGAIN!!!!
Turns out that Mick has an injury that causes him to be incapable of putting a shoe or sock on his right foot. Also, he stays in his pajamas all day. The kids rough-house, the dog tears shit apart, and Mick just sits around on the computer and ignores it all. This is how we wind up with a generation of kids with no manners, okay? Mick and Colette both seem like very nice people, but those kids have no concept of what it means to be polite or to think of others. If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the problem, guys.
It’s rule change time!!! Colette is going to get rid of some structure, Cheryl is gonna add some. Let’s see how it goes.
Cheryl is instituting family dinner, making the kids clean their rooms, and giving Mick a makeover. Also, Mick is taking Cheryl on a date because Mick should take his wife on dates.
Colette is getting rid of the chore lists and letting everyone relax. Antonio freaks out a bit, but does it quietly. Mina looks stoked to get a break from piano and gymnastics lessons.
We’re putting you to work as soon as your new mommy isn’t looking
Cheryl has all the kids helping her cook and clean, and they’re all decent about it except for Mickey, who is like twelve years old and behaving like a petulant toddler. Once they get him to try the food he mellows out, but someone needs to put that kid in his place, STAT.
The next morning Cheryl posts a checklist for the kids to do some chores, and then she takes Mick for a makeover. First stop: Dentist! Oh, thank Jeebus. Then there’s a trip to the barber for a haircut and a beard trim.
I’m a pretty princess!!!
Colette takes Mina and Antonio to the amusement park while Antonio’s mom watches the baby. Antonio is hesitant, but he’s a really good sport about following the new rules. Mina looks crazy happy, and yeah… We so need to cue up a full on Toddlers and Tiaras marathon after this. Goddamn you, biological clock! And goddamn you, children that me want to reproduce!
It’s just not a fair fight…
Mick and Cheryl get home to show off his new look. He looks much better, and still like himself, so they did a good job. The kids did a really thorough job of cleaning everything while they were gone, so it’s time for the family to go to the beach together. Since the beach is like, ten feet from their condo, it’s pretty ridiculous that they never go there as a family. Later, Cheryl has a dance class so that Mick can take Colette dancing when she gets home, and all in all things are pretty boring and drama free.
Where’s a floating hooker corpse when you need one?
Time for the wives to go home. Looks like Colette is as enamored with little Mina as I am, and she has tears in her eyes when she hugs her goodbye. Cheryl has a nice farewell with the Foley kids, and then the couples meet up at the park to discuss their weeks. Now, you’d think since everything went so smooth and everyone got along so well that this would be a pretty easy meet-up, right? It’s looking like no…
Why? Because crazy eyes!
Antonio says that he learned that the whole family should relax, and Colette tells Cheryl that she needs to ease up on Mina. Mick says that Cheryl’s rules about the kids helping and everyone eating together is what they should have been doing for years. Antonio tells Cheryl that they both need to relax and stop trying to be perfect all the time, and then the bitch-crazy comes out! Holy shit! Cheryl freaks and starts yelling at him for making her look bad. Colette says that he’s just trying to communicate openly and Cheryl should listen, but once the Bitch-Crazy comes out there’s no putting it away.
I’m as confused as you are, Colette
Cheryl tells Antonio if the loved her that he would filter himself, and then she tries to bring up God and how God is watching and they have to be perfect for God and Antonio isn’t lifting her up and she’s staying at a hotel cause there’s no way she’s going home after this. Colette laughs because she thinks Cheryl is joking. She says there’s no way she can be serious about being upset about this. Yeah… what she said. Antonio is trying to apologize and find out what he did wrong, but she says she never wants to talk to him again and then storms off, while the Foleys look dumbfounded wondering what the fuck just happened.
This is why you should never date a model. They’re too pretty to have to learn to keep their crazy in check.
After some goading the Sabatos get in the limo together. Antonio is clearly frustrated, but he’s trying. Cheryl is just being a twat-waffle. She says that it’s not love since Antonio had the gall to bring up a minor issue he felt they both needed to work on.
How dare you make me look bad by bringing up a relatively minor issue? I’ll show you!!! I’ll make me look like a crazy cunt-bot from hell
Mick and Colette get in their limo and say they feel bad because they were brought so much closer by swap and clearly it didn’t do the same thing for the other couple.
Cheryl remains batshit insane and keeps chewing Antonio out and says they’re OVER. For GOOD. I hope she realizes what a crazy cunt she looks like when this episode airs, but chicks like that can never see through their own crazy.
Oh hey, but look, it’s two weeks later and everything’s fine now. Cheryl proves me wrong by saying she realized how crazy she was being and she felt terrible about it. So they’re back together, and I’m sure a stable chick like that will be a great asset to a healthy relationship. I’m sure these two crazy kids are gonna make it. Dibs on the perfect, adorable child if they murder each other. I would rather not tempt fate and genetics (and I’d rather not push a baby out of my lady-parts either) if I can just steal a kid I know is awesome.
So much cuter than anything my dna would create
The Foleys return home too, but we don’t hear much more from them because ABC was focusing on the crazy models and their crazy drama. I think we just assume that they’re fine.
Okay kids, sorry about the tardiness, and that this was a relatively boring episode. My Tivo cut off the very end, so I’m not even sure who is on the next episode, but hopefully they’ll bring a little more of the crazy than these guys did.
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