I’ve been laying low since my Tough Love Miami assignment, trying to catch up on life. Did you miss me?
Hope everyone is doing well and adjusting to the new year and the new pending doomsday predictions. From the scuttlebutt I’ve heard, it sounds like March will see the death of the Greek economy, June will see the demise of the Eurozone and in December the entire world will end. All of which is awesome news and has inspired me to make a few predictions of my own.
#1: No one will notice the Greek thing – unless they plan a cheap vacation to Greece, in which case, they’ll appreciate the low prices and have a few mugging stories to bring back home.
#2: Nobody here knows what the Eurozone is anyway. Isn’t that a city in Belgium?
#3: On December 21st, we’re all gonna party like it’s 1999 and the same exact thing will happen. Nothing.
So, in the spirit of demise and predictions, I’ve decided to offer you a little pre-cap of Celebrity Apprentice. Has a pre-cap been done before? Can I copyright it? Word on the street is Beyonce and that wanna-be singer/producer guy she married are trying to copyright their baby’s name. So you may see a few little intersperses of Blue Ivy in random areas of the precap, while I still don’t have to pay to use it.
Does anyone believe Blue Ivy hasn’t been touched up in this photo?
By the way, here’s another prediction that I have to share:
Blue Ivy all grown up!
All right, then, let’s get down to business. The purpose of this pre-cap is to introduce you to all the contestants on the show. I didn’t know who half of them were, so I thought it might be nice for us all to learn a little more about the has-been’s, wanna-be’s and almost-were’s that make up this seasons Celebrity Apprentice cast together. With 18 contestants, it would take way too long to introduce them all to you during the first re-cap, so here shall be a forum where we can snark on these people just because of who they are. We’ll save mocking their Apprenticeship stupidity for later.
I’ve also decided to go out on a limb and make my own predictions of who will win. This prediction is not based on any inside information or in depth research. Just me winging it. If, unlike me, you already know who these people are, feel free to skip to the predictions at the end of the pre-cap.
This year, I suspect the boys will be the contestants to beat. Maybe it’s because I know more of the guys on the list, but I think there will be a chick purge early on in this show. If the producers are smart, they’ll keep some of the hotties like Tia and Diana (we’ll get to them later), but I’m sure Trump thinks he’s all the star power the show needs, so the eye candy will probably get severed quickly.
Adam Corolla – Everything about this guy says boring to me. Probably because I’m not a man. I remember his radio show in L.A. years ago and it was a good thing it was on late at night, because it was sleep inducing. I also remember his interviews on the Howard Stern show, which were usually the dullest of the day. He’s had some tv shows and some radio shows but nothing ever seems to stick. Currently he hosts his own show available on podcast only. I’m truly torn on how to classify him: he’s kind of a has-been. But he’s also nearly an almost-was, since he did have some tv shows with his own name in the title.
By the way, before we go any further, I should point out that I am the absolute worst with first impressions. Witness on Tough Love Miami; every girl I loved in the beginning I realized at the end was an idiot and all the girls I ragged on in the beginning were my faves by the end. This applies in real life too. Most of my best friends were people I initially didn’t like and I hated my husband when I first met him. So if you’re gonna bet on this show in Vegas, I would recommend going with the opposite of my opinion.
Arsenio Hall – Famous for his late night talk show, in which he singularly introduced the arm pumping whoop! whoop! of ’80′s fame , he was also in a few movies, but it seems like after the Arsenio Hall Show was cancelled, he kind of disappeared. I remember hearing a rumor as a kid that he had A.I.D.S. (the ’80s hysteria had reached my tiny town and anyone famous who stopped working was sure to have the disease.) Then again, in my backwater woods, we also thought Arsenio Hall was MC Scat Cat in Paula Abdul’s video and one of the guys from the group Cameo. All I really know about this guy is that I adore him and have high hopes for him in this competition.
Clay Aiken – One of the few contestants I’m pretty sure we all know. The stunner is that according to Wikipedia, he’s one of the top ten American Idol earners at 1.5 million per year. That’s pretty astounding information, considering that means he’s rubbing elbows with the likes of Carey Underwood, Jennifer Hudson and McPheemania. He touched all our hearts with his version of Don’t Let The Sun Go Down on Me. I’m sure it will be his theme song for the show.
Dee Snyder – The lead singer of Twisted Sister, which sang my generation’s mantra (We’re not gonna take it), he’s a man to be taken seriously. He has his own radio show and has participated in Celebrity Wife Swap as well as Kitchen Nightmares. He did a voice for the Spongebob Square Pants movie and even wrote a song for Celine Dion. He’s a father and a businessman and I expect great things for him performing for the Trumpster.
George Takei – Mister Sulu of Star Trek fame is now an outspoken advocate of gay rights and is actually quite hilarious. His patent response of “Oh, my” was exploited by Howard Stern and has become a household saying, although no one can do it with the rich undertones of George’s voice. I hope he’s as funny as he seems and that he sticks around for a while.
Lou Ferrigno – If you haven’t seen the 1975 documentary Pumping Iron, you really should. It’s hilarious – Arnold Schwarzeneger competes against Lou Ferrigno for the title of Mr. Olympia. Arnie compares working out to orgasms. Lou lost most of his hearing as a young man, but that didn’t stop him from becoming a Mr. Universe as well as landing the secondary starring role as the green giant Hulk, whenever Bill Bixby got mad. In more recent times, he’s appeared on The King of Queens, has his own line of fitness equipment and served as Michael Jackson’s personal trainer (but clearly not his nutritionist). I hope he’s a hunk of cupcake love!
Michael Andretti – Carrying on the family tradition from his famous dad Mario, Michael is a retired Formula One driver.Now he owns a team, but I don’t know what that means. Not much to tell about this guy except that it turns out he’s the cousin of one of my good friends, making me suspect I might compromise my snark in the name of friendship. Damn it. Stupid Michael Andretti.
Paul Teutel, Sr – I had no idea who this guy was until I saw his picture. I watched his American Chopper show once and he was such a mean ass to his kids. I couldn’t stand the way he talked to them and I’m wondering how that will translate going up against the Donster. I’m guessing his bad attitude won’t get too far in the boardroom.
Penn Jillette – of Penn and Teller fame, I think this guy is still relevent, so I’m surprised to see him on the show. However, what I’d love would be to see Teller perform on the Celebrity Apprentice. With such imaginative names for his children as Zoltan Penn and Moxie Crimefighter, as well as a patent for a pleasure jet in hot tubs designed for women (the Jill-Jett), I’m sure Penn will last much longer on Celebrity Apprentice than he did on Dancing with the Stars.
Most of these girls I’ve never heard of before. I hope some of them surprise me.
Aubrey O’Day – Sadly, without cable and with very little interest in pop culture, I am completely out of touch with most things contemporary. This would include Aubrey O’Day, who apparently won something called Making of the Band and became a member of the group Danity Kane. But from what I’ve read, it sounds like she was more interested in creating a sexy star vehicle for herself, rather than performing. While researching her for about 20 seconds (’cause that’s all I could stand), I found a comparison of her before and after fame.
She went from adorbs to looking like every
other plastic celebrity. What a shame.
Cheryl Tiegs – Famous for what you see above. If the picture looks a little outdated, that’s because it’s from the ’70′s. Let’s hope all that passed time has given Cheryl enough wisdom to go up against a strong male team this season. I’ve always liked Cheryl Tiegs, but like many others, I think I used to confuse her with Cheryl Ladd and thought she was a Charlie’s Angel.
Dayana Mendoza – Yay hotness! A former Miss Universe, let’s hope her accent isn’t so strong that she can’t be understood (she’s from Venezuela). Dear God in heaven, please, please, please let there be some kind of challenge in a pool this season.
Debbie Gibson – Remember this ground breaking teen pop sensation? I wouldn’t underestimate the girl who now likes to be called Deborah. At 16 she was already producing her own string of hit songs as well as pushing a fragrance before doing so was the norm. She still holds the record of the youngest person to write, produce and perform a #1 single on the Billboard Top 100. A veteran of acting, she’s performed in musicals on stage in London as well as on Broadway. I expect her to go further in this than she did in 2006′s Skating With Celebrities.
Lisa Lampanelli – A comedienne known for her insulting jokes, frankly to me she sounds like my entire New York side of the family. I hope her attitude doesn’t pit her against the Trumpsster’s ego too soon. She sounds smart and capable, but I’m sure her mouth will get her in trouble before she ever really earns a firing.
Patricia Velazquez – Considered the first Latin American supermodel, I’m delighted with some of the casting this year.
Venezuela just might be the greatest country in the world.
Teresa Guidice – of The Real Housewives of some stupid state fame. I know nothing about these chicks but if the above pic doesn’t say it all, allow me to quote a good friend who gave me their opinion: “She’s a moron! She speaks really bad English, her husband is being sued and probs going to prison for fraud and she is the one who famously flipped a table in a fight. You have to YouTube her. She’s a piece of work!”
Tia Carrera – In addition to her unforgettable performance of Ball Room Blitz in Wayne’s World and her own show in which she ran around like a hot Indiana Jones, did you know Tia Carerra won two grammies? Yay for hotness again!
Victoria Gotti – Obviously famous for being the daughter of the mobster John Gotti, that was enough credentials to get her own show, Growing up Gotti. It faltered after a misrepresentation that she had breast cancer, but that’s not all there is to Victoria. She’s also an author and was a columnist for the New York Post. Don’t write her off too soon – according to Wickipedia, she did so well in school that she skipped two grades and started college at the age of 15. Donald would be wise not to point anything like a finger in her direction anytime too soon.
So there you have it, the stellar line up of the 2012 Celebrity Apprentice show. Who do you think will take this thing all the way and will you be able to tolerate the Donald all the way to the end to find out? I can’t say that I blame you if you just can’t stand to watch it, but I promise to take the bullet for all of you and tough out the actual show. Just stay tuned here to find out what happens.
In the meantime, here’s how I see the whole thing going down:
Episode 1 – Teresa Guidice
Episode 2 – Paul Tuetel, Sr.
Episode 3 – Aubrey O’Day
Episode 4 – Cheryl Tiegs
Episode 5 – Lou Ferrigno
Episode 6 – Michael Andretti (and Victoria Gotti drops out for medical reasons)
Episode 7 – Patricia Velazquez
Episode 8 – Adam Carolla
Episode 9 – Dayana Mendoza
Episode 10 – Lisa Lampanelli
Episode 11 – Clay Aiken
Episode 12 – Tia Carerra
Episode 13 – Arsenio Hall
Episode 14 – Penn Jillette
Episode 15 – Debbie Gibson
Episode 16 – George Takei
AND THE WINNER: DEE SNIDER!!!!
‘Cause he’s not gonna take it. No he ain’t gonna take it.
He’s not gonna take it anymore.
Have a Blue Ivy kind of week, everyone. Stay tuned for Episode 1 and we’ll see how very wrong my predictions are.