This week on Celebrity Apprentice, we lost yet another vital brain, which means we have more weak players left than strong ones. I think it’s clear the contenders for the title will be Aubrey, Clay and Lisa, and I’m kind of bummed that this won’t turn out to be a battle of the geniuses, since Dee and (spoiler alert!) Penn have both been sent packing.
Our episode picks up with Unanimous speculating that Paul will be the one sent home. Lisa tells us that she will try to be nice to Dayana from now on.
This is Lisa’s nice face.
For some reason, when Aubrey and Teresa return from the boardroom, Aubrey does a little soft shoe.
What the hell is she doing and why do these two still look like puppets?
Arsenio says there is a bigger problem than the fact that he’s the odd man out because he has two women left on his team.
“One’s damn near genius, the other’s damn near not.”
Penn says he will miss pretty Pauly and Aubrey agrees and says he was so sweet.
Clay wants to vomit at Aubrey’s insincerity.
The next day, Lisa delivers her paltry winnings to the Gay Men’s Health Crisis. Over a horrific looking meal of canned veggies and greasy chicken, she delivers the check to a table full of mostly women.
Maybe Lisa’s heart belongs to this charity because
being a gay man with a health crisis is her destiny.
Trump has the teams gather in his “humble” apartment, a garish place lined with gold, frescoes, crystal and white furniture.
It reminds me of the wealthy sultans of the middle east and their
palaces of gold – it is far too outlandish and tacky to be comfortable.
Poor Barron – there’s no way he’s allowed to tear
around that place with a Big Wheel.
Aubrey tells us the apartment reeks of wealth. She compares it to Charlie and the Chocolate factory, but instead of chocolate, the walls are dripping with gold.
Who’s a girl gotta lay to get a piece of this?
The purpose of Trump showing off his place is to announce he’s launching a new fragrance called Success and the teams are going to create displays for the Macy’s kick-off.
Oh cut it out, Lisa. It’s not that big a deal.
The winning team will get twenty thousand for their charity, but if he really likes the final product, he’ll add another 100K to the pot.
Trump has rolled out an entire posse of the undead for this task.
What do you call a group of zombies? A gaggle, a pod, or maybe a zambo of zombies?
Not only do we have two pasty execs from the Trump org and Macy’s, but also we have Vamperic and (drum roll please) this week, George was exhumed to join the land of the living.
You woke me up to judge a freaking perfume?!!!
For those of you who don’t know George, he is as old as the hills and has been serving as an adviser on Celebrity Apprentice since the first season when he and some battle ax woman named Caroline (remember her?) terrorized innocent MBA grads with their shrewd, viscous and heartless scrutiny. I wonder where ruthless Caroline is now…
To distance himself from his eternal brethren, Donald has painted himself pink this week to match his tie.
I guess that is a Trump signature trademark,
since Vamperic was doing it last week.
The teams pick their project managers. Aubrey is ready and willing to lead Unanimous, while no one really wants to take it on Forte, but since either Penn or Clay are up and Penn is afraid to helm a perfume campaign, it falls to the gay guy to try to compete with the pink haired genius on this one. It will be a re-match of Clay vs. Aubrey; Aubrey hopes she will finally win and spank that crooning ho’s ass. Aubrey is looking particularly fabricated this week.
Name that cartoon character.
Also, WTF is that in Trump’s apartment?
Team Forte gather to discuss ideas and Dayana wants a nude woman against one of Trump’s famous ties for the image. Naturally she wants to be that hot naked girl. I am all for this concept. Sadly, a gay man is in charge.
Boobies for perfume? Ew!
Penn has a better idea, which unleashes the demon within.
What if I’m naked, but we hide my man boobs?
Um, I just said, no boobs.
What if she’s dying and I successfully save her?
Better, but no.
Excuse me, Miss Universe, but while you’re down there…
Dayana goes down on a successful man.
I love it! We’ve got our concept.
To go along with their blow job theme, Penn suggests their slogan be “you earned it.” The team is ready to rock and roll with their vision.
At Unanimous, Teresa shouts out the name of the perfume in that same horrible voice she used for her Fabulina puppet. I notice throughout this episode that she continues to use that voice. I can’t stand it!
Aubrey captures the essence of the fragrance
while Teresa mainlines it right up the nose.
Aubrey wants Teresa to research display designs while she asks Arsenio to look up the actual meaning of success. Arsenio reads off a quote that fragrance is liquid money. Aubrey admonishes him that success isn’t about money, it’s about how much you improve someone’s life by giving of yourself.
Aubrey is successful because she bestows her
talent and wisdom on others every day.
Arsenio argues that in our commercial society, the Bentley and the paper are indicators of success. Aubrey is irritated by this crude and obvious choice of the money, sex, power angle. She thinks they should be different and fresh and come up with a losing concept that no one will like.
Are you there, God? I could use a little help down here.
The execs come in for consultations and the Macy’s exec tells team Forte that although she looks like an elf, she knows what she’s talking about and recommends they be very true to the product with their branding and slogan.
At Unanimous, Aubrey tries her “dazzle them with my brilliant words” tactic and gushes about how a man usually only buys what a woman wants him to buy.
Oh my God, you guys. Listen to how incredibly awesome I am.
I just put in these orange extensions to make my hair look fuller and now
I’m gonna make up some stupid shit on the fly to impress you with my insight
and professionalism, because I need you to realize I’m the only one doing creative here
and I’m way awesomer than these other two douche bags.
The execs respond with cricket chirps.
It’s hilarious as Aubrey backpedals and carefully says ” Basically, we need to really feel what this is saying to us and it’s the perspective of the product and it’s the perspective of the man that created the product that can be symbolic of any man out there.”
I see right through this piece of work.
After the execs leave, Aubrey proposes the following slogans;
1. See your vision; Success.
2. See your future; Success.
3. A step closer to happiness is Success.
Why isn’t anyone gasping in ecstasy at my ideas?
Don’t worry honey, you aren’t the only one out of touch. Teresa has confused the name of the perfume and her contributions consist of:
1. Confidence speaks to you.
2. Confidence says who you are.
3. Confidence defines you.
Then Aubrey proposes “Trust Your Instincts” because that’s what Trump does. Now maybe it is the editing that shows the next bit in the order that it does, but this will be important later; Aubrey proposes the slogan. Arsenio shows Aubrey a video where Trump actually says those exact words. The team agrees this is a clear sign from God that they have found their message. So according to this airing, Aubrey came up with the idea first. Remember that.
Naturally, because Aubrey has stumbled upon a pretty decent idea, she has to poop on it with her next concept. She wants to get a picture of Eric for the display to represent a young pre-success Donald Trump looking up at the world he has created. Makes no sense to me.
I don’t think her team is digging it either.
As Aubrey’s team is heading over to the shop to build their display, she decides to stop and capture a photo of the NY skyline. She recruits help from Arsenio.
Giddy up, lackey!
Arsenio comes on in confessional to tell us that Aubrey had a great idea, she wanted to put her vagina on the back of his neck.
Never mind, God. We good.
This was actually the first time Arsenio creeped me out a little. Or maybe it was just the idea of thinking about Aubrey’s vajajay. Either way nasty chills ran down my spine.
Team Forte has arrived at the building shop and Lisa tells us she put on her lesbian hard hat.
Hey, Lisa – looks like we have the same makeup artist. Woka woka woka!
Clay is struggling to envision what the display will look like.
I could build a song from a fart but I can’t handle this visual stuff.
Penn wants to practice with Dayana.
This is the full technical rehearsal, right?
The hot male model comes in that they will be using in their display and Clay is absolutely drooling.
Just let me do him – I mean his tie…
It appears the hotness was too much for Clay as Penn has to take over the shoot. Dayana comes on to tell us that Lisa has been nicer and seems less volatile. However, she knows she shouldn’t trust that it will last.
“Lisa better not be trying to bust my peanuts.”
Lisa wishes she was as pretty as Dayana.
Clay wishes he was Dayana.
At Unanimous, Aubrey has banished her team mates to search for vinyl covering for their set. They are wisely not going to paint – they have a construction foreman who seems really nice and helpful, unlike the douchey ego-builder the Forte group has to work with.
The banishment is a brilliant strategy to get VampEric all to herself.
VampEric arrives unannounced and takes a moment to assess Aubrey. She notices his arrival and they quickly get down to the business of modeling. Aubrey tells Eric he’s not so hard on the eyes and then she asks him, “What if I was just some crazy stalker and I wanted to get a lot of photos of you.”
“I think you might be.”
Thank goodness VampEric seems to understand that Aubs has seen all that gold in Daddy’s apartment and is working on a way to get a piece of it.
But all he really has to do is show her his favorite
birthday cake. Maybe that will dissuade her.
They get down to business discussing the task and Aubrey is in rare form lying her ass off. She tells Eric that neither Teresa nor Arsenio had any ideas and that Arsenio has never once given her an opinion in any of the tasks to date.
VampEric hasn’t been around for a million years for nothing. He sees through her bullshit and says he will scrutinize her that much more for the brown nosing “be my model” incident.
Team Forte is talking about what they will print for their poster. Dayana suggests they create a flier to hand out as a nice way to help the consumer remember their product. Clay says they don’t have time for such a silly thing; it is much more important that they be sanding and painting.
Speaking of painting, Teresa wins hustler of the week. She’s running around doing as much as she possibly can.
Nice clothes be damned.
At Forte, they are getting down to that all important painting and sanding task.
But Clay has forgotten to warn his teammates about
a sudden outbreak of a contagious disease.
Lisa decides to grab a bowl of popcorn and see what kind of show is on the other side of the partition.
She tiptoes over and gets a sneak peek, then rushes back to report it looks like both teams are doing a skyline concept. This has Clay gulping past his shaved adam’s apple in worry.
I’m just happy someone warned Dayana about the bio disaster.
It’s the next day and the Unanimous team is thrilled with the end result of their display piece. Aubrey says she’s very proud of herself and refers to herself as a mini Trump because she is so amazing and thought the whole thing up on her own. No kudos given to the people who turned her concept into real life.
Team Forte is loving their finished product as well.Except for Dayana who has noticed the flaws in their design and is worried the judges will also notice them. The team seems irritated by her lack of enthusiasm.
I think it is admirable that she doesn’t just stare at the poster and say,
“Yay me!” That is certainly what Aubrey or Debbie would have done.
Ancient troll George arrives to check on Aubrey’s team and he sets out to rub everyone the wrong way. He’s got a one upper for everything they say and it is clear he is pushing Aubrey’s buttons. She gives up trying to charm him and tells him they made a display that emulates Trump but is still something every man could get his hands on.
I’d like to get my hands on your tender flesh, pinky!
Might not even need my dentures.
Aubrey tells him that the silhouette is Eric, expecting this to charm the pants off the old geezer, but his response is simply, “Doesn’t look like Mr. Trump.” He also thought the buildings were Rolls Royce grills. I’m loving how he thwarts her “look at me”‘s; I wish he had to check on Aubrey for every task!
Laugh now, old man, but your days are numbered.
It’s the next day and there is a horrible noise coming from the Unanimous room. Seriously, it startled the poor cats in our house. What the hell was it?
Turns out it was Aubrey braying like a nervous mule.
Her presentation starts off great. The execs are smiling, she’s rolling the glib b.s. off her tongue charmingly and it seems like a good sell. Then she mentions the silhouette and the fact that it is Eric Trump.
Exhibit A of Aubrey’s great creative ideas
Elf exec says ick.
Things seem to go downhill form there. Aubrey tells the execs there is no face of their consumer. Also, she didn’t want to tell people what success is, since it can be something different for everyone. As an example, she asks Arsenio what his idea of success is, since he was a man the last time she checked.
What’s that supposed to mean? Did you sneak a peek while I was sleeping?
By the end, the presentation is redeemed with Arsenio’s cool grace and Teresa just being her cute raspy self (although she did the damn Fabulina voice again.) The bottle shaped hand out and the smell strips were a class act touch, for which, Aubrey deserves all the credit.
Sadly the entire team is struck by the deadly contagion just minutes later.
Team Forte is up at bat and Clay is talking about what the display case looks like and that the smell of success is sweet, one should reach out and grab it, because you earned it. That’s it. After an awkward pause he tells them he’d love to answer any of their question. Macy’s elf tells them to just go ahead and continue with the presentation.
Lady, I’m too tired to come up with any more bull shit about a perfume.
Oh crap, I should have written a script!
Since no one can be bothered to care that much about a stupid perfume that Donald Trump is launching, the two execs have to host themselves to discuss the pros and cons of the two performances.
We interrupt this program to bring you a few minutes of The View.
Talking to no one in particular, they decide that Aubrey killed it with the slogan and the smell strips but the design of the display was meh. For Forte, they loved the display design, especially the picture of Dayana, but they hated the slogan. Their consensus is that both teams had winning and losing elements.
Trump is in rare form and asks lots of questions without bothering to listen to the answers. Everyone is happy with their team’s performances and lots of ass kissing all around.
The teams examine their competitor’s work and Lisa adores the hand out and smell sticks created by Unanimous.
Eskimo kisses of congratulations.
Arsenio says that Dayana is stunning in the Forte display and a round of aye’s goes up at Trump’s statement that she is very beautiful. Not to be forgotten, Aubrey pipes in that they also used a sexy model and tells Sparky about her silhouette of Eric. Eric is flattered by the words and I’m getting worried about the smiles these two are exchanging. Eric, she is diabolical. And Aubrey, he’s a killer of endangered animals. You two do not suit!
The most important question of the evening is whether Aubrey prefers Eric’s hairline or Sparky’s hairline. I realize there are still forty minutes of programming to go and I contemplate suicide.
Eric addresses Aubrey’s claims that she was a one man show and she says she really did own all the ideas.
Arsenio thinks being poked in the eye would be less painful than Aubrey’s words.
He’s great at speaking with tact and gently points out that he thought he did contribute, since he found a quote from Sparky that became the product slogan.
Like any high-strung filly, Aubrey snorts in disdain.
Aubrey counters that she actually thought up the slogan before Arsenio showed her that and unfortunately, I have to agree with her on this one. Still, she should be able to offer some acknowledgement that Arsenio contributed.
Aubrey goes on to offend everyone by blowing smoke up Trump’s ass about how he is too innovative and forward thinking to just go with any old rock star, hot chick ad campaign for his fragrance.
Penn feels the sting of an Aubrey diss.
Sparky has VampEric and George review the pros and cons of each team. Why are we forced to watch this information twice? *sigh*
When they tell Forte that the best part was the picture and Trump tries to give Dayana the credit, she is quick to point out that Penn took the photo. I love this girl – she is a class act. Clay has a great point when he says if they felt the picture was too large, it doesn’t quite make sense, since they said the picture was the best part. Penn acknowledges that the slogan was his idea and although he doesn’t see “You Earned It” as being pompous, he understands the criticism.
Since there is no clear definitive winner, Trump says he can’t dole out the 100K to the winning project manager. Instead, he will be giving 40K to the winning charity and every other charity at the table gets a check for ten grand.
With that, he announces that Aubrey is the winner. Is this a surprise to anyone? She was the last person to win any money for her charity and her team was down a player. Everything pointed to her winning this task even before they had created anything to present.
Unanimous goes back to the warroom to celebrate. Fabulina won’t shut up about how much she loves Trump and the Crystal champaigne, etc. AUbrey says if she had the brains of the other team on her team she probably could have wowed Trump and pulled out the 100K win. I don’t see how that’s possible when she won’t let anyone else do anything.
Back in the boardroom, there is a lot of focus on how much the execs hated the slogan that Penn created. I become irritated when talk wanders to the size of the photo and Trump asks who had the idea to make it so big. Clay hems and haws without really pointing a finger. We clearly saw it was Lisa and Clay who wanted the picture bigger – Penn in fact expected it to be smaller during the design phase. So I’m already squinting at Clay suspiciously even before he tries to pawn off the fact that Dayana suggested the take away by saying he doesn’t understand what she says. Bitch, please! You totally understood her when you shot down her idea to create a flier. Then Lisa claims it was too late in the day when Dayana proposed the flier. This pisses me off even further, since they hadn’t even printed the picture yet, so there was clearly time to do another print job. Why’s everyone always gunning for the pretty girl?
Clay has to choose one person to escape and since we all feel bad about how insanely jealous Lisa is of Dayana’s natural beauty,
the oompa loompa gets a free pass.
This might be the dullest board room to date. I’m wishing there was a contagious outbreak so I could stop watching.
Clay brings back Penn and Dayana and I am surprised to learn that Dayana has broken a record for the number of times a person has been brought back to the boardroom without being fired. Well she sitll shouldn’t be fired for this one. She’s just the one target everyone is used to shooting at.
Since things are so boring in the board room let’s talk about something else. I know I’ve asked before but I still don’t have an answer. What the hell does Amanda do at that desk with her little message pad all day?
Dear Diary, today I took 234 messages. My hand writing wasn’t so good
by the last one. My gold scissors are shiny. I like frogs.
Trump says he wants to fire Dayana because she’s been in the board room a record 6 times. He says he wants to fire Clay because he was the projet manager. But it comes as no surprise that instead, Donald fires Penn for coming up with the slogan.
Frankly, Penn has been relatively quiet and I think he’s so tired of swinging between his gigs and this show that he’s more than happy to be fired.
So long to one of the smartest competitors on the show.
Gee whiz, Dad. I really liked Penn.
I don’t think I’m coming to the BBQ tonight.
Good, ’cause you’re not invited. This one’s all mine.
I got the teeth to cut that one down to size. See?
Can I go back to my coffin now?
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