Celebrity Apprentice: Release the Hounds

Before we begin this week, I’d like to draw everyone’s attention to a product that I strongly believe belongs in each and every pet owner’s home. Kitty Wigs. They’re pretty self-explanatory. They are wigs that you put on your cat. After attending to the various scrapes and wounds that your furious feline will no doubt inflict upon your limbs and face, you may bask in its utterly breathtaking beauty as it prances around like the reluctant drag queen that it truly is. For example: the Pink Passion wig will magically transform your kitty to the “land of cotton candy and pinwheels where the air smells like sugar kisses.” Faboo!

My point is this: Bashful Blonde Wig Cat looks like Donald Trump.

“YOU’RE FIRED.”

We begin this week with a creepy voiceover by Trump’s peon, informing us of the events of last week. I miss The Donald’s booming voice already. There’s just something so beautiful about him recapping, “SO I FIRED HER!” Creepy peon just doesn’t cut it.

Ahhhmarosa and Cryptkeeper Carol Alt return from the boardroom, affording us yet another glimpse of the Ringling Brothers-inspired ensemble.

“Who wants an animal balloon?”

Carol and Ahmarosa insist to the disappointed group that they’re leaving all their conflicts inside the boardroom, which Piers loudly suggests is a load of horseshit. He also describes Ahmarosa as “gobby”, which is a word that I’ve never heard before, so I’m just going to go ahead and assume that it refers to a cross between Gollum and Dobby, which actually describes Ahmarosa quite nicely.

Carol Baldwin arrives to collect a boatload of money from her spawn. Stephen presents her with the check for her charity, and she’s totally blown away and starts crying. She hugs her son, and it’s nice, though all I imagine is her thinking something like “Alec would have made double this.” She thanks him, and then also says that she wants to thank “The” Donald. Haha. See, Carol knows what’s what.

Amidst a pounding of frantic piano music that I suppose has now come to signify the start of a new task, THE Donald meets THE loser candidates in THE lobby of Trump Towers. He introduces some guy named Terry, who’s the head of Macy’s and will be judging on this task. What happened to DonJr? Couldn’t pull him away from Guitar Hero for five seconds? Trump asks who in the group likes animals. Lennox and Tito raise their hands, and The Donald immediately asks if they like pitbulls. Lennox corrects him, saying that he prefers cats. Lennox, I’ve got the PERFECT product for you!

The Donald informs the group that February is Pet Adoption Month, and even manages to yell out his precious large numerical figures, shouting that “4 MILLION DOGS ARE PUT INTO ANIMAL SHELTERS EVERY YEAR.” Yes, that’s all well and good, but how much is the industry worth?? I must know!!

He introduces Rob Leibowitz of Pedigree, who is also quite gobby and looks for all the world like Yanosh from Ghostbusters II. He explains that their task is to create a 30-second ad for the Pedigree Adoption Drive. I high five myself. I love when these yahoos attempt to make commercials. Remember the homosexual cucumber porn from season 3? Quality programming. Trump asks the teams to pick Project Managers right then and there, and the winners are Nely Galan and Gene Simmons. Gene says that it’s his job to hit on all of his opponents. Fantastic. Let’s get this started.

“He is Vigo! You are like the buzzing of flies to him!”

The ladies are in their “Downtown War Room” as a graphic informs us. Great. If World War III is started by these crackpots, I’m gonna be really pissed. Nely begins by leading the group in some touchy-feely exercises that involve breathing in white light and exhaling rainbows or some shit. Looks like Nely’s been wearing the Pink Passion Cat Wig. Ahmarosa does not participate, perhaps because she’s too busy planning out today’s paper route.

“Could someone direct me to the set of Newsies?”

Empresario (which should really be empresariA, as sayhuh pointed out, because it’s an all female team, morons) meets with Pedigree Yanosh to discuss the commercial. They ask about using their celebrity powers, and he says that’s fine, as long as they’re telling stories about dogs. To which I say, what’s the difference? Hey-o!

Hydra decides to completely bypass a meeting with Yanosh, choosing instead to start barking out half-baked ideas at each other while Gene smugly looks on. Finally, Stephen condescendingly informs them that he’s worked in films for twenty years, and he simply must be allowed to speak. Yes, Stephen. Please grace us with the wisdom that made The Flintstones In Viva Rock Vegas the Oscar-winning masterpiece that it truly is.

Stephen’s solution is to throw a puppy into the arms of Lennox Lewis. It is decided that he will also direct, and as plans get underway, Ivanka pays a visit. She is greeted hostilely by Gene, who tells her that it’s great and all that she’s here, but he would rather ignore her and get on with the task. He then goes on to accuse her of planning to share the information with her “sisters”. Okay, this little tiff is fun and all, but the best part of this scene is the way Ivanka shakes Gene’s hand, which I would describe as being of the “dead fish” variety, the highlight being the way she pulls back at the end, as if suddenly realizing that she just contracted several diseases.

In the studio, Lennox Lewis is petting a puppy. Aw. Stephen and Gene are running the show and not letting anyone else interfere, much to the chagrin of a cranky Piers. It is decided that they will now leave the studio to shoot on the streets of New York, which turns into a disaster. They can’t clear people from the sidewalks, horns are beeping, and Vinny Pastore looks about ready to pass out from a lack of prosciutto. Gene wisely decides to haul the crew back into the studio, where they can be in complete control.

Nely is directing Empresario’s commercial, which also involves people petting dogs while sitting. Fascinating. Ahmarosa talks about her strategy, while Nely says that’s she’s been doing this sort of thing for years and there’s no way they can lose this task. Oh shut up, Nely. You look like Janice from the Muppets.

Nadia Comaneci, who I’m not even sure was on the show last week, proves herself to be quite useless by not ordering food for the cast and crew. Marilu Henner, meanwhile, directs the voiceover actors by barking that they suck. Interesting technique. I like it.

Meanwhile, the guys have decided to put Trace Adkins on voiceover duty. And they’ve got the win right there. Gene suggests that Trace sounds like the voice of God, which I think is a little bit of a stretch, but it does sound mellifluous and drawly and very nice. He could coo at me to adopt a rabid wolverine, and I’d oblige. Stephen and Gene kick everyone else out of the editing room, and tell them that they will not be allowed to view the final product until the presentation. Oh, come now. Is that what a real Hydra would do?

In Empresario’s editing room, the ladies are bickering over the finer points of a St. Bernard’s drool. Finally, an argument with substance! They also decide that the taped segments of Marilu Henner talking spiritedly do not mesh well with the dog stories, so Marilu gets canned, bringing the celebrity quotient back down to zero. Way to learn from last week’s mistakes, girls. At least they’re beautiful, am I right folks? Terry of Macy’s drops by to check in on them, rendering Gene’s Ivanka paranoia ultimately pointless. One thing we can all agree on, however, is that Ivanka Paranoia is a great name for a band. The women present their concept, and Terry is either mildly amused or secretly posing for a cologne ad.

“Why yes, I do enjoy my own scent.”

Meanwhile, Tito Ortiz is leading a mutiny. He drags the rest of the team down to the editing room, where Stephen is somehow managing to work on the commercial in between the numerous self-delivered odes to his magnificent filmmaking abilities. The boys barge in, make a weak case, are chastised for showing up, and are escorted right back out again. Right on, lads. Fight the power. They mope back up to their room, where Tito defends his title as Ultimate Whining Champion.

Tito Ortiz: all about the tulips and hotel-room-worthy landscape paintings.

Presentation time! The ladies arrive first, dressed in alternating yellow and black outfits so that they resemble a giant incompetent bumblebee. Nely starts babbling about the multi-platform ad campaign they have devised, including a radio spot, something for the web, a Good Year Blimp message, and the Pedigree logo tattooed onto Marilu Henner’s forehead. Trump tells them to shut up and play the commercial. They do, but sadly we don’t get to see much of it. The little that we can catch, however, is atrocious. Nely says in voiceover that they worked like dogs. Is anyone else beginning to think that this entire season is devised around the ability to make horrible dog puns? Also, that it might be going…to the dogs???

When Team Hydra enters, Yanosh snivels that their commercial is a bit of a mystery, since they decided they were too important to meet with him yesterday. To which the only natural response is, clearly, a quote from The Art of War, which Gene is all too happy to provide. He starts spouting all sorts of nonsense while Yanosh and Trump become more and more puzzled. And the best part is when Piers interrupts, not to put an end to this madness, but to correct him on the pronunciation of Sun Tsu’s name. Ha! And we thought this season was going to suck?

Trump yells at them for not meeting with the simpering Yanosh, but Gene continues to steamroll over any and all criticism by calmly stating that he’s right and he stands by his decision. They play the commercial, and while we again do not get to see most of it, we can tell that it’s pretty good. Or, as Tito puts it so eloquently and so intelligently: “I went from being kind of a frown face to a smile.” So. Tito’s innermost thoughts and feelings can pretty much be boiled down to emoticons. Noted.

Boardroom. Time for the DOG and pony show to begin! Before the results are announced, Trump tells them that Yanosh felt slighted by Team Hydra and is currently curled up in the fetal position and crying. Ivanka pipes up as well, detailing the Gene incident from earlier. “DID YOU INSULT MY DAUGHTAH?” Trump blares. They all have a good laugh, because sexism is Funny. Gene, apparently gearing up for a guest spot on CSI Miami, takes off his sunglasses, apologizes, and puts them back on again. Classy.

Trump demands that they replay the commercials. Empresario’s is first, and it is in fact the shit show that we have all come to expect. It consists of three dogs who, in goofy voiceovers, tell their pitiful stories and beg for someone to love them. Then, Marilu Henner’s disembodied voice perkily demands that you buy Pedigree food. It’s terrifying.

“Nely Galan violated me.”

Hydra’s commercial, on the other hand, is pretty good. Trace’s velvety voice plus goopy piano music plus Lennox Lewis petting a rascally puppy equals pure commercial goodness and probably a robust orgasm from Yanosh. Trump looks quite pleased, as does the rest of Hydra. When it’s over Ahmarosa tells Lennox that he’s hot. Lennox runs screaming from the room as Trump announces the winner, and by this point it’s no surprise that it’s Hydra.

As the men go upstairs to pop open the bubbly and celebrate, the women continue to get grilled. Trump asks why they only used Marilu’s voice (which is not recognizable), and not her face (even less recognizable). He goes on to inform them that everyone, not just Yanosh, thought that Hydra’s commercial was better. Watching on the TV in the suite, the boys congratulate Lennox. Tito even demands a high five in the style of Borat, nicely displaying his grasp of totally current pop culture catchphrases.

“Show me the money! Groovy, baby! Where’s the beef?”

The girls quickly gang up on Nadia, who, in addition to doing mostly nothing and failing to feed the cast and crew, also looks like a starving peasant child. Blame is also shifted onto Cryptkeeper Carol, for some reason, so Nely chooses Nadia and Carol to come back in with her. Which, as all of us Apprentice loyals know, is a huge mistake, because Marilu had the most to do with the steaming pile of crap that was their commercial and should instead be thrown to the…DOGS!!

When the three ladies return, Nely notes that her biggest fault is that she was too ambitious. Guess you just can’t teach an old, botoxed DOG new tricks! Trump of course yells at her for bringing back Carol instead of Marilu, while Nadia sits there, pouting and perhaps wishing for someone to throw her a scrap of bread. Nely does take responsibility for most of the commercial, but she’s got suitcases full of pirate hats and other swashbuckling props that have yet to be used, so we know she’s not going home yet. Trump, hellbent on restarting the Cold War, calls Nadia’s leadership potential into question. Everyone yells at her for not having the same competitive spirit that she exhibited in the 1976 Olympics. Geez, The Donald, that was over thirty years ago! She’s old now! Look, she can barely keep her eyes open. She’s DOG-tired!

“IN SOVIET RUSSIA, PINK TIE WEARS YOU!!”

Trump says that as an athlete, Nadia has a great ability to lead herself, which is something that he respects because “MOST PEOPLE ARE LOSERS. YOU’RE A WINNER.” Nadia continues to fail miserably at defending herself while at the same looking incredibly bored and possibly drunk. Haha. I like that. In the infuriating tradition of not firing the person who caused the team to lose the challenge but rather the person whom no one likes, Trump fires Nadia. To her credit, it doesn’t really seem to faze her in the least.

“Whatever. Pass the vodka.”

As Nadia leaves in the gleaming limo (no crappy taxis for such illustrious CELEBRITIES), she engages in what is sure to become my new favorite Apprentice tradition: the losers lamenting the fact that their charities will receive nothing. Nadia was playing for Special Olympics International. Sorry, kids! Your medals this year will be made out of aluminum foil and pipe cleaners! Enjoy!

Well. Another beautiful and fascinating episode. To be honest, I wasn’t even aware that Nadia Comaneci was even ON this show until now, so it’s just as well. Gene Simmons will continue to get more and more ridiculous, while Stephen Baldwin’s bloated face will continue to fill the screen to its capacity. The competitors will keep fighting in this DOG-eat-DOG world, but since every DOG will have its day it’s really just best to let sleeping DOGS lie. I for one will be spending the remainder of this week praying that Ahmarosa never wear such a short skirt ever again. It made me sick…as a DOG!

CANINES!