Celebrity Apprentice: Rod Blagojevitch likes Balloons

He’s ALREADY fired.

This week, the two teams have to design a new marketing campaign for Kodak. Sinbad and Maria are the leaders and both have to deal with the apeshittery that is Cyndi Lauper and Rod Blag. For real, if someone doesn’t go crazy by the end of this season, I will.

At the beginning of this new episode, everyone’s flummoxed that what….? This is an elimination show and you…..what? Have to let people go? And by everyone, I mean Cyndi Lauper.

Gotta be strong, Cynd.

After some light drinking, Bret gets to present his winnings from the last challenge to some extremely confused diabetic kids.

Thanks for the money. But seriously, you picked Tara???

I love how Bret never misses an opportunity to bring up his fucking daughters. Man, If I were his daughters, I’d be like “Dad, don’t ever, ever, ever talk about me ever. Seriously. And especially while you’re mugging on some shit reality show. Also, can I have a new last name?”

Then Bret takes these two kids into Trump’s boardroom. Dayummn! Trump’s gonna be PISSED. The older kid looks super skeptical that he’s not dreaming this whole thing.

When does the easter bunny bring me an ecto cooler?

Then Bret gives them the 100,000 dollar check from last week’s winnings and we find out it’s for…what? These two kids to go to camp? Are you fucking serious? Is this camp made of gold and rhinestones? Does this camp teach them brain surgery? I mean, people can be cured of shit with that money???!!! What? Someone should hire me as a consultant for this show so I can knock Mr. Michaels upside his bandanna-clad coconut.

So, then the remaining team members are up and about for the next challenge.

Sinbad’s even pretending to take calls from his agent! Hilarious!

The groups learn that they’re going to have to put together a storefront “Kodak Moment” or some shit. I dunno, it’s vague. Branding? Products? Stop talking in weirdwordese. The Kodak people are there and also seem super uncomfortable presenting their little challenge bit.

uh…makin’ memories…

So Trump asks really quickly who is gonna be project manager for each team, to further confuse these poor, dumb celebrities. Blag takes the bait, OF COURSE, and picks Sinbad. Hah, come on BLajdgsafoovitch, not even CYNDI LAUPER fell for that. And she doesn’t own a hairbrush!

Sinbad’s enthusiastic about this, saying that “yeah, I know pictures.” Nice work.

Eventually, Lauper and the ladies pick Maria for the project manager, who seems excited save the fact that she’s wearing some shit that looks like a beautiful head-wound.

I’m like an exotic, dying bird!

Then, after a commerical break, Trump gives another ridiculous pep talk that, when muted (which, of course, I do) makes him look like he’s suckling a gigantic teat.

Momma’s milk.

Then there are some interstitials of people using cameras (see- everyone can use ‘em- even you, CYNDI LAUPER), and then Tenacity gets to work.

Maria is trying really hard to prove herself to the rest of the women…who are older. Sinbad, on the other hand, I don’t think is talking in english. Different marketing strategies, people!

icecream cones? chopper? Bunyon? I give up.

The Kodak people come into both teams’ rooms to show them how to use a digital camera. For the girls…Cyndi is in the BATHROOM, so awkward conversation ensues about Ms. Kodak’s “fierce” shoes. God, are we sure Cyndi isn’t like, making her own performance art through acting like a clueless, burned out celebrity who does EVERYTHING WRONG?

Then she asks “How do you erase?” to the Kodak executives. Yeah, I guess I’m sure.

Is this a camera? A deck of cards? Can I eat this?

A big part of this challenge is understanding uh..how to work a camera…and how to appeal to people. Man, maybe everyone should leave but the Victoria’s secret model. Am I right? Well, maybe not. She constantly looks scared shitless, and she should be!

The ladies start to get shit done, despite Cyndi’s near constant looks of stoned concern and questions. With the dudes, Sinbad isn’t delegating any responsibilities so Bret is getting all pouty.

Blag, who is a self-proclaimed member of the ‘fellowship of the do-ers” (man, Teddy Roosevelt must be rolling in his GRAVE) goes to make some calls about his um, predicament back in Illinois.

I don’t even need to write a caption, this is so fucked up.

Then he..goes out into the STREETS? God, this guys is a sack of shit. He gets called a disgrace by someone else, then some crazy bitch said she was named after him. Don. But her name is Dana. What the fuck?

???

Oh wait, she thinks he’s Donny Osmond. Gag me.

Donnie Trump Jr. checks in on the ladies, who are trucking in some make a wish kids for their project. Dayuumn, just give them the win right now.

Power pops? I love those.

In Rocksolid HQ, Bret is pissed because he doesnt’ have a job…but seriously, why isn’t Sinbad giving Bret a job..like, having sex with someone ugly or taking body shots or some shit? I don’t really get what’s happening because everyone else seems to have jobs. Eventually, he goes with Goldberg to get some things?

Later in the day, the boys go out in the streets and get some of their own Kodak moments…which basically mean they act like they’re 13 for an afternoon. Bret gets picked up by his balls, dudes act like their punching dudes..running into dumpsters…all that shit.

you know, important shit for the team.

The women are working hard, despite the tizzy of dimentia that is Cyndi Lauper.

hey, do you guys like Sandwiches? One time, in Philly, me and Rosie…

The vikki’s secret model bails on hanging out with Cyndi…and RUNS out of the van back to the storefront! Poor lady.

Another poor lady is Sharon Osborne who has somehow come down with the plague. She looks almost as bad as Cyndi Lauper!

Like a little old bitch-woman.

Meanwhile, The guys are really feeling their lack of unity and concept. The ladies have an ADORABLE little girl with a life-threatening disease posing for their concept. yeah, I wonder who is gonna win this?

Kids and dreams! Dreams and kids!

Then that author-woman (Holly?) gets all teary because one of the make a wish kids reminds her of her son…only you know, without a terminal illness. So shut up, author-woman! Help that poor kid! WIN!

The morning of the benefit- the dudes LEAVE BRET AT HOME. Man, he’s gonna be pissed. But hey, as Sinbad says, “you can’t leave someone if they aren’t here.” Uh ok. In other news, Rod Blagoyavitch loves BALLOOONS!

On the women’s side, Sharon’s back in the game and the women seem to sorta have it together. And Cyndi brought some extra hair!

good to know everyone is pulling their weight.

In the dude’s corner, Bret finally shows up. He is sorry for being late, even though in rocker-time, he was “crazy early.” Ok…do you see some sluts or guitars around? Wait, don’t answer that (hides Blag and guitars).

Blag is just happy that the balloons are GOLDENROD! GOLDENROD BALLOONS! YOU GUYS, DO YOU UNDERSTAND THIS? Nice work, dickhead.

But, because of Sinbad’s superior leadership skills, something goes wrong with the printer. So, there’s more scrambling and more thinking that Sinbad’s a total doucheleader. And more Blog liking BALLOONS BALLOONS. Still, they’re feeling good at the opening, but so do the girls!

The girls are doing really well. They have pictures with Cyndi, Maria and then Sharon gives the guest cough cupcakes and phlegm water! Nice!

If I yarf, I’ll do it on an empty tray.

Then she admits that a good third of New York probably had the runs from her gross gross sickfingers! GROSS, Sharon Osbourne!

In Dudeworld, Blag is really liking the girls who he gets to take pictures with. Seriously, can someone just escort Blag over to the balloons and keep him away from fucking people?

These girls will regret this picture some day.

Then the secret shoppers come in. James, one of them, is confused by the guys’ booth, but he liked the setup. In the girls’ arena, the power goes out!!! EEEP! But instead, they have a party and make the best of it. The women’s secret shopper Lauren has mixed feelings because things are explained, but the photo center was chaotic, much like Cyndi Lauper’s brain.

When the Kodak honchos check out each station, there are strengths and weaknesses in both the dudes and ladies setups. The dudes have GREAT goldenrod balloons, for starters. But nobody’s showing their product! The ladies have Brooke showing the product, but then the power goes out and getting the photos leads into crazy long lines, much like the thought pattents in Cyndi Lauper’s brain.

After both teams’ do, Trump talks to the Kodak honchos. They liked the dudes for using celebrity status, but they didn’t like no product presentation, tisk tisk. The women they knew had the product down, and all that bullshit.

IN THE BOARDROOM…

Maria is really proud of the way things turned out.

When Trump asks who the weak one was, Sharon says herself, because she was sick. But then the heat is diverted in some casual banter about Cyndi Lauper’s hair. But Cyndi then talks a little bit about her experience as the “hooker.” Oh stop, you perverts. Having sex with cyndi lauper would be like having sex with a bag of skittles. She means the person at studio fifty four who “hooked” people in.

god, you guys are such pervs!

Rocksolid gets interrogated then- and Trump congratulates Strawberry on drawing a crowd. And then they talk about Blag liking balloons. Balloons, balloons, balloons. yeah, just like a retarded, corrupt clown.

Ivanka and little Donny jr. show each team what the other team did (of course, using the unforgettable Kodak family of products. DING!). In the end….THE WOMEN WIN! THE WOMEN WIN! CYNDI LAUPER WINS!

So the vagians get twenty thousand bucks…which grants approximately five kids wishes. Again, seriously, what? Apparently, nowadays kids with terminal illnesses are wishing for endangered species? I’m skeptical.

The women watch as the dudes get grilled.

If you look closely, Lauper is napping.

Nobody knows on Rocksolid why Tenacity won. Uh, okay. I have an idea: SINBAD. Trump asks who did the worst, and Sinbad throws Bret under the bus!! What? He wanted a job?!

On another note, does everyone want to secretly bang Ivanka as much as I do? I’m not even a lesbian, but DAYUMN.

So everyone thinks Sinbad is a shitty leader. Well, no shit! Sinbad is then asked who should be fired, and of course he doesn’t say himself, he says Rod and Bret. Uh, okay.

So then Blog, Bret and Sinbad are on the chopping block. Bret said he should stay that Sinbad was “discombooberated” (no shit) but that he was also shitty. Blog says Sinbad should go. And Sinbad’s chokin!!!

Still life with three idiots.

And SINBAD IS FIRED. DUH.