Making magic here at Celeb Apprentice!
This week, someone leaves for “personal reasons” and the groups make commercials for rite guard. Still, the ladies and men are even because Sharon is dying and Cyndi- for most of the episode- is in Washington with president Obama. Yeah, poor Obama! Anyhoo, the dudes and ladies feel the pressure. But the best part- watch Bret Michaels break down and cry MULTIPLE TIMES on the show. Thanks, diabetes!
Hey all- so I was MIA for a while- building huts in the woods and making beef jerky from scratch. Wanna know why? Cause I’m awesome.
So here’s what we missed last week:
Mr. Trump separated blog and vicki model from their teams. Rod had a hard on. Then, they had to do some Harry Potter bullshit, which ended in Tenacity winning and Rod getting his hard on chopped the fuck off.
The dudes are shitty and the girls feel on top of the world. Then Viki’s secret gets to give some pretty bald woman money for African kids to learn math.
Seriously, this will get us like, 5 bajillion protractors. Cost Co, here I come!
I love how Vikki’s secret model sorta sounds like she’s making shit up when she describes the charity. She’s like…uh, like, lots of people die. I think?
Back at the ranch, Sharon’s sick and Cyndi is going to washington to meet the president! Ohh! So, new team managers. Holly takes it for the women and the Chef guy takes it for the dudes. The challenge? A rite guard ad for tv and the internet. for some reason, everyone is grinning weirdly, especially summer. And things get even more bizarre when Trump has a weird little hoop-shooting tournament that gives ten thousand smackeroos to whoever gets the first basket.
in actuality, I’m just getting bored.
The first person to make it is Maria. After like, EVERYONE else goes.
Stilettos and fake hair? She should go pro.
So then the girls start to brainstorm…Holly keeps taking about “smelling funk” and that…as a basis for the concept? I guess. The dudes dont’ really know anything…except go high performance. HIGH PERFORMANCE!
But don’t forget funk.
Back at Rocksolid, Curtis is looking weird and deshevelled.
like a hot baby gosling.
While the dudes somehow formulate some idea from Bret’s rolling around on the ground/taking shots (I assume) the girls get Scotty Pippin and pitch their idea. He laughs nervously.
erg. Scotty needs a drink.
The dudes have Clyde…something? I’m dumb, I don’t know basketball. This dude just seems to be happy to be on tv.
Hey yo! That’s a camera!
The hot chef doesn’t know who Clyde is either, so I feel okay. Even though long face makes fun of his ass! Oooo! Boo-ya.
The girls call some other rite guard spokesman (chris Paww) to see if they’re on the right track.
You know, like, funk. Funky. Stank.
Then Holly thanks GOD Cyndi isn’t there. Yeah, I guess, but this is a lot more boring, no? But then Cyndi calls! It’s like she has a badmouth radar nestled in her hair extensions. She rambles on about being in washington, blah blah blah, and Holly gives her some bullshit assignment to shut him up.
But I wanna hang with Scotty Pippin…
With the Dudes, Bret gets a call that his daughter might be diabetic. What? I’m confused- most kids know about type A, and type b is from obesity/general shitty health. So…I don’t get it. I mean, it’s not like a death sentence. Am I going to hell? Maybe. But for far worst than ribbing on a little diabetic girl.
This shit is getting REAL.
Oh yeah, and another thing? why do people call diabetes “die-ahh-beee-tuss?” I feel like everyone who says diabetes that way is old or imbred.
Thoughts, gentle viewers?
The ladies go to the studio where Scotty has to catch a plane, and the photographer- yes, the same one from the last challenges- looks like he’s going to KILL HIMSELF.
Seriously, who ARE these crazies??
The dudes meet with their DP and realize (SHOCKING SHOCKING) all they have is a STUDIO to work with. LIke they thought they were going to get a pristine kitchen dining room set or some shit. The DP looks perplexed.
I should’ve NEVER answered that Craigslist Ad.
While the girls keep singing their “funky godfather” and picking up props while the guys are being wishy washy about their concept. Oh Yeah, and Bret is freaked for his daughter, so he calls his wife (names and familial roles have been changed to protect the innocent). Sorry rock of love wannabes, it was a lady on the phone, helping Bret through his melodrama.
What am I supposed to doooooo
Curtis knows the group is fucked. Then, we finally see Bret give himself a shot while CRYING. Man, I wish he would’ve done that on Rock of Love. I can TOTALLY see a vengeful skank messing with his insulin!
The horror is REAL
So if his daughter has “die-a-bee-tuhss” he’s leaving. Well, no loss there, right?
The ladies, instead of crying over loved ones, are busy lifting heavy things.
God, this is just like my childhood.
Sorry, everyone is helping but Seleta Vikki’s secret girl…who is getting Scotty ice chips, Snapple, power bar, blowjobs, baby ducklings, you name it. And Maria is PISSED. The dudes are hustling doing the same thing. Then Curtis lies to Ivanka about shit not hitting the fan- and that they filmed. Oy. That’s not gonna come up, right?
and here’s Obama!
Someone get Cyndi Lauper back to celeb apprentice.
Then both groups start filming. And, they both think their shit is hilarious!
The ladies do a thing where the boys are hanging on to a bar and Scotty is swiping the boys with deoderant. But I think it’s clear to ANY INTELLIGENT PERSON from the screens in the room that the camera is only getting the kids’ feet.
Scotty don’t care
But hey, maybe it’s like, some sort of crafty mis-en-scene? I dont’ fucking know. So they wrap, and Scotty goes to- I can only assume- a better gig.
Meanwhile the dudes are on their way to the editing bay and it’s like, Bret AGAIN with the diabetic shit. Geez. Sorry, there’s just something about me who can’t sympathize for a man’s diabetic dilemma when he’s wearing a fucking cowboy hat and an ed hardy leather jacket.
Touch him, curtis. He smells like Axe.
Ugh, so that goes on for like FIVE MINUTES. I mean, geez, she doesn’t have CANCER.
Then the guys and gals start editing. And…Cyndi is back. OH JOY! She decides she wants to put her own voice on the track, and after a bunch of snorts and uh, I guess what some would call vocal exercises, she imitates Holly’s voice.
Stop, you’re giving me diabeetuhss
So, actually, Cyndi contributes. In a way that is indecipherable to me. Ah well.
So then the girls are all outside while Maria cuts together the internet spot. And then Holly gets pissed when it’s not what she wants! Ah, I dunno. I don’t really get what went wrong anyway? Audio? A bunch of incompetent women working together? Diabetes? Hard to say.
The dudes go first, their presentation is cute (and Curtis is- AGAIN- in an Apron) but their commerical is practically indecipherable. The ladies are ready to rock it, with this “first moments of funk” bullshit.
Then in the presentation, Cyndi lauper shares how…her son sweats? So, I guess this is about how twelve year olds sweat? With a bunch of “how you doin’s”. Theirs is MUCH better than the guys, though.
But of course, the two rite guard dudes both think both teams did a stellar job. Yeah, I guess, considering they’re utterly useless in most capacities.
But then-in a SHOCKING turn of events,- Michael LONG FACE is leaving to attend to some personal issues with his son. But don’t ask, because he doesn’t want to get into it!!!
Naturally, Bret Michaels is touched.
In the board room it is woefully apparent that the girls are kicking the guys’ ASSES!
And then there were 3…
Man, everyone’s fucking quitting. And Sharon’s sick!
Then they watch the ads.
Trump asks BM whose ad is better…he says the dudes. As does Goldberg. Cyndi liked the girls ad. Then Cyndi gets all the glory with singing the song, and you know Holly is pissed.
Ivanka wanna fuck ya said that the guys did a great presentation, but their ten second viral video blew shitmouth loads. Yeah, I know, she said that. Weird.
Then this old guy said that the girls creatively used Scotty Pippin and that their ten second was suck. Also, too mom-y.
you know, this old dude.
And the MEN WON! What? With THAT Shitty commercial? So basically, the women have been winning too much.
With the women, Holly feels shitty that the viral video was just a part of the big commerical. But the weakest link- SELETA VIKKI MODEL. Like, for sure. And Maria says so. Seleta looks like a surprised fawn, as usual.
Please don’t hurt me
Holly has to bring people back to the boardroom. And she brings…Seleta and Maria. Like, the only two besides Summer that CAN be brought back into the boardroom.
Then Cyndi freaks out but she plays the good girl like she’s about to challenge Holly and then doesn’t. God, I am so fucking sick of Cyndi Lauper, for fucking real. Shit on the can or get out, right? And by shit I mean throw someone under the bus and don’t make a fucking production of it.
Someone wishes they had rite guard! Clever!
IN the boardroom, it’s a blamestorm, with Seleta looking sad. And when she does yell, she sounds like she’s about to cry. AND THEN SHE GETS FIRED.
And rattles off a little speech about thanking people for the opportunity. And in the car, she says watch out for Maria. Eh, I guess.
BACK TO THE CATWALK!