Celebrity Apprentice: Doucheabetus

Celebrity Apprentice

By Monamonzano | Thursday, April 15, 2010 | 11:03 am | 14 Comments
Tagged: , , , , , , , ,

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Making magic here at Celeb Apprentice!

This week, someone leaves for “personal reasons” and the groups make commercials for rite guard. Still, the ladies and men are even because Sharon is dying and Cyndi- for most of the episode- is in Washington with president Obama. Yeah, poor Obama! Anyhoo, the dudes and ladies feel the pressure. But the best part- watch Bret Michaels break down and cry MULTIPLE TIMES on the show. Thanks, diabetes!

Hey all- so I was MIA for a while- building huts in the woods and making beef jerky from scratch. Wanna know why? Cause I’m awesome.

So here’s what we missed last week:

Mr. Trump separated blog and vicki model from their teams. Rod had a hard on. Then, they had to do some Harry Potter bullshit, which ended in Tenacity winning and Rod getting his hard on chopped the fuck off.

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Sorry, boo.



The dudes are shitty and the girls feel on top of the world. Then Viki’s secret gets to give some pretty bald woman money for African kids to learn math.

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Seriously, this will get us like, 5 bajillion protractors. Cost Co, here I come!



I love how Vikki’s secret model sorta sounds like she’s making shit up when she describes the charity. She’s like…uh, like, lots of people die. I think?

Back at the ranch, Sharon’s sick and Cyndi is going to washington to meet the president! Ohh! So, new team managers. Holly takes it for the women and the Chef guy takes it for the dudes. The challenge? A rite guard ad for tv and the internet. for some reason, everyone is grinning weirdly, especially summer. And things get even more bizarre when Trump has a weird little hoop-shooting tournament that gives ten thousand smackeroos to whoever gets the first basket.

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in actuality, I’m just getting bored.



The first person to make it is Maria. After like, EVERYONE else goes.

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Stilettos and fake hair? She should go pro.



So then the girls start to brainstorm…Holly keeps taking about “smelling funk” and that…as a basis for the concept? I guess. The dudes dont’ really know anything…except go high performance. HIGH PERFORMANCE!

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But don’t forget funk.



Back at Rocksolid, Curtis is looking weird and deshevelled.

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like a hot baby gosling.



While the dudes somehow formulate some idea from Bret’s rolling around on the ground/taking shots (I assume) the girls get Scotty Pippin and pitch their idea. He laughs nervously.

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erg. Scotty needs a drink.



The dudes have Clyde…something? I’m dumb, I don’t know basketball. This dude just seems to be happy to be on tv.

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Hey yo! That’s a camera!

The hot chef doesn’t know who Clyde is either, so I feel okay. Even though long face makes fun of his ass! Oooo! Boo-ya.

The girls call some other rite guard spokesman (chris Paww) to see if they’re on the right track.

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You know, like, funk. Funky. Stank.

Then Holly thanks GOD Cyndi isn’t there. Yeah, I guess, but this is a lot more boring, no? But then Cyndi calls! It’s like she has a badmouth radar nestled in her hair extensions. She rambles on about being in washington, blah blah blah, and Holly gives her some bullshit assignment to shut him up.

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But I wanna hang with Scotty Pippin…

With the Dudes, Bret gets a call that his daughter might be diabetic. What? I’m confused- most kids know about type A, and type b is from obesity/general shitty health. So…I don’t get it. I mean, it’s not like a death sentence. Am I going to hell? Maybe. But for far worst than ribbing on a little diabetic girl.

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This shit is getting REAL.



Oh yeah, and another thing? why do people call diabetes “die-ahh-beee-tuss?” I feel like everyone who says diabetes that way is old or imbred.

Thoughts, gentle viewers?

The ladies go to the studio where Scotty has to catch a plane, and the photographer- yes, the same one from the last challenges- looks like he’s going to KILL HIMSELF.

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Seriously, who ARE these crazies??



The dudes meet with their DP and realize (SHOCKING SHOCKING) all they have is a STUDIO to work with. LIke they thought they were going to get a pristine kitchen dining room set or some shit. The DP looks perplexed.

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I should’ve NEVER answered that Craigslist Ad.



While the girls keep singing their “funky godfather” and picking up props while the guys are being wishy washy about their concept. Oh Yeah, and Bret is freaked for his daughter, so he calls his wife (names and familial roles have been changed to protect the innocent). Sorry rock of love wannabes, it was a lady on the phone, helping Bret through his melodrama.

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What am I supposed to doooooo



Curtis knows the group is fucked. Then, we finally see Bret give himself a shot while CRYING. Man, I wish he would’ve done that on Rock of Love. I can TOTALLY see a vengeful skank messing with his insulin!

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The horror is REAL



So if his daughter has “die-a-bee-tuhss” he’s leaving. Well, no loss there, right?

The ladies, instead of crying over loved ones, are busy lifting heavy things.

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God, this is just like my childhood.



Sorry, everyone is helping but Seleta Vikki’s secret girl…who is getting Scotty ice chips, Snapple, power bar, blowjobs, baby ducklings, you name it. And Maria is PISSED. The dudes are hustling doing the same thing. Then Curtis lies to Ivanka about shit not hitting the fan- and that they filmed. Oy. That’s not gonna come up, right?

and here’s Obama!

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Someone get Cyndi Lauper back to celeb apprentice.



Then both groups start filming. And, they both think their shit is hilarious!

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hilarious

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hilarious

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hilarious



The ladies do a thing where the boys are hanging on to a bar and Scotty is swiping the boys with deoderant. But I think it’s clear to ANY INTELLIGENT PERSON from the screens in the room that the camera is only getting the kids’ feet.

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Scotty don’t care



But hey, maybe it’s like, some sort of crafty mis-en-scene? I dont’ fucking know. So they wrap, and Scotty goes to- I can only assume- a better gig.

Meanwhile the dudes are on their way to the editing bay and it’s like, Bret AGAIN with the diabetic shit. Geez. Sorry, there’s just something about me who can’t sympathize for a man’s diabetic dilemma when he’s wearing a fucking cowboy hat and an ed hardy leather jacket.

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Touch him, curtis. He smells like Axe.



Ugh, so that goes on for like FIVE MINUTES. I mean, geez, she doesn’t have CANCER.

Then the guys and gals start editing. And…Cyndi is back. OH JOY! She decides she wants to put her own voice on the track, and after a bunch of snorts and uh, I guess what some would call vocal exercises, she imitates Holly’s voice.

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Stop, you’re giving me diabeetuhss



So, actually, Cyndi contributes. In a way that is indecipherable to me. Ah well.

So then the girls are all outside while Maria cuts together the internet spot. And then Holly gets pissed when it’s not what she wants! Ah, I dunno. I don’t really get what went wrong anyway? Audio? A bunch of incompetent women working together? Diabetes? Hard to say.

The dudes go first, their presentation is cute (and Curtis is- AGAIN- in an Apron) but their commerical is practically indecipherable. The ladies are ready to rock it, with this “first moments of funk” bullshit.

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Funksentation



Then in the presentation, Cyndi lauper shares how…her son sweats? So, I guess this is about how twelve year olds sweat? With a bunch of “how you doin’s”. Theirs is MUCH better than the guys, though.

But of course, the two rite guard dudes both think both teams did a stellar job. Yeah, I guess, considering they’re utterly useless in most capacities.

But then-in a SHOCKING turn of events,- Michael LONG FACE is leaving to attend to some personal issues with his son. But don’t ask, because he doesn’t want to get into it!!!

Naturally, Bret Michaels is touched.

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Diabeetuhss



In the board room it is woefully apparent that the girls are kicking the guys’ ASSES!

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And then there were 3…



Man, everyone’s fucking quitting. And Sharon’s sick!

Then they watch the ads.

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boardroom style



Trump asks BM whose ad is better…he says the dudes. As does Goldberg. Cyndi liked the girls ad. Then Cyndi gets all the glory with singing the song, and you know Holly is pissed.

Ivanka wanna fuck ya said that the guys did a great presentation, but their ten second viral video blew shitmouth loads. Yeah, I know, she said that. Weird.

Then this old guy said that the girls creatively used Scotty Pippin and that their ten second was suck. Also, too mom-y.

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you know, this old dude.



And the MEN WON! What? With THAT Shitty commercial? So basically, the women have been winning too much.

With the women, Holly feels shitty that the viral video was just a part of the big commerical. But the weakest link- SELETA VIKKI MODEL. Like, for sure. And Maria says so. Seleta looks like a surprised fawn, as usual.

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Please don’t hurt me



Holly has to bring people back to the boardroom. And she brings…Seleta and Maria. Like, the only two besides Summer that CAN be brought back into the boardroom.

Then Cyndi freaks out but she plays the good girl like she’s about to challenge Holly and then doesn’t. God, I am so fucking sick of Cyndi Lauper, for fucking real. Shit on the can or get out, right? And by shit I mean throw someone under the bus and don’t make a fucking production of it.

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Someone wishes they had rite guard! Clever!



IN the boardroom, it’s a blamestorm, with Seleta looking sad. And when she does yell, she sounds like she’s about to cry. AND THEN SHE GETS FIRED.

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Don’t cry.

And rattles off a little speech about thanking people for the opportunity. And in the car, she says watch out for Maria. Eh, I guess.

BACK TO THE CATWALK!

Rebecca Leib (aka Monamonzano) was born in Milwaukee, Wisconsin. With a MFA in writing and well versed in comedy, Rebecca started writing sketch and performing improv, theatre and stand-up in Los Angeles. She has produced many short videos for funny or die, UCBComedy and often performs at the Moth Storyslam in Los Angeles, and can be seen in print on TVgasm.com, Beautiful/Decay Magazine and Artillery Magazine. When she is not writing or performing, she likes drawing and quiet reading.

14 Comments

  1. 1
    kitsune
    Posted April 15, 2010 at 11:12 am

    “Die-ahh-beee-tuss!”–homage to Wilfred Brimley, disease spokesperson, odd pronunciation inventor, and wearer of the greatest mustache EVAH!!

  2. 2
    ash310
    Posted April 15, 2010 at 11:53 am

    My former in laws used to refer to diabetes as “the sugar”. So they would make statements like “Well Granny has the sugar so we have to watch what she eats”. It took me a while to figure out what the actual problem was.

  3. 3
    qupert
    Posted April 15, 2010 at 1:32 pm

    Well, I came here to say “Blame Wilford Brimley!!”, but kitsune beat me to it.
    Every time I saw that commercial, I would repeat him the way he said it, because it DRIVES ME NUTZ!! LOL.

  4. 4
    cattyfan
    Posted April 15, 2010 at 2:42 pm

    “Clyde something” is Clyde “The Glide” Drexler…which frustrated me, because his nickname “The Glide” is perfect for working into a Right Guard commercial. Talk about a missed opportunity…

  5. 5
    Siedhr
    Posted April 15, 2010 at 3:47 pm

    “I mean, it’s not like a death sentence. Am I going to hell?”
    My first thought was no, since there are a lot of people out there who are uninformed and ignorance, unlike diabetes has a higher probability of being cured.

    But then there was this:”I mean, geez, she doesn’t have CANCER.” and a whole lot of these:”Diabeetuhss”.

    You know, I really enjoy reading TVgasm, the snarkiness and the biting humor is right up my alley, especially when it’s paired with clever analysis.

    This is however the first time I see a reviewer take a long leap over the snarkiness border and land right into a grand area of shittiness.

    So let me educate you a little bit about diabetes:
    1) Diabetes is a chronic disease. In layman’s terms, that means that it can’t be cured. It can only be controlled with medication, diet and lifestyle management with varying degrees of success depending on the type of disease, local healthcare, family support etc. Useless to say, I hope, that managing diabetes is bloody difficult and expensive. And even with every help in place, the disease still damages the body, bit by bit.

    2) Diabetes can be fatal (it used to be until a century or so ago). You can die if you don’t discover it on time i.e. if the first symptom is a diabetic coma from which it’s possible not to wake up without proper medical attention. You can die without medication. You can die if you’re unlucky and the meds stop working. Even if you don’t die, high blood sugar can fuck up your blood vessels (and everything connected to them – which can lead to amputations), your eyes, your heart, your kidneys. And from these complications you can die or live in a very damaged state.

    3) Treatment for people with type 1 diabetes involve sticking a needle in their body for the rest of their lives.

    Living with diabetes is like living with a death sentence over your head that you can keep at bay with hard work, proper healthcare and luck. Healthy people tend to take their bodies for granted and usually have no idea how hard it is to live with a chronic disease.

    So while she may not have cancer, the possibility of diabetes is terrifying both for her and for her family. If it’s true, then it means that she’ll never be able to have a normal life.

    I do not have diabetes, nor do I have diabetics in my family, but I am a doctor and I have diabetic patients. So I do know a little bit about it.

    What bothers me the most is the chronic ignorance displayed in the entire review. I mean, really, how hard is it to google diabetes? Is it too much to ask for from a reviewer? Asking your readers for information you can get by yourself with one click does not offer any kind of excuse.

  6. 6
    leslilly
    Posted April 15, 2010 at 4:42 pm

    Diabetes (I pronounce it “dye-uh-beet-tees ;) is really serious. I can understand why Bret was so upset. I actually think it is sweet how much he loves his girls…and yeah, he feels responsible for potentially passing it on to them. I have to say that he didn’t let this setback affect the team. For all the ribbing they give Bret, he really seems to be the one on the men’s team with all the ideas.

  7. 7
    leslilly
    Posted April 15, 2010 at 4:53 pm

    Also, be careful calling others “imbred” – because you will look INBRED yourself…

    imbred – 4 definitions – People who don’t know how to spell “inbred”
    http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=imbred

    “But for far worst than ribbing on a little diabetic girl.” It should be WORSE!

    In order to be successfully snarky in a recap, you can’t be effing up left and right, dude!

  8. 8
    leslilly
    Posted April 15, 2010 at 5:05 pm

    Siedhr:
    “Healthy people tend to take their bodies for granted and usually have no idea how hard it is to live with a chronic disease.”

    ^^ THANK YOU for saying that dearest doctor! I have several chronic diseases. What you stated is 100% accurate. Even more disheartening is that many people simply do not give a shit unless it is happening to THEM.

  9. 9
    cattyfan
    Posted April 15, 2010 at 7:31 pm

    Siedhr…thank you for your thoughtful comments. My niece was diagnosed at 9 years of age with type 1 diabetes. She looked perfectly healthy, , fit, and athletic…but one night my brother found her barely conscious. Before she was even diagnosed, we almost lost her. (Diabetes doesn’t run in our family.) She is now 17, and she has a pump to regulate her insulin…but that isn’t 100% effective. I contemplate all the time that even with proper care and access to medications, by definition of the ravages of the disease, her life will be shortened. And regular life things other women get to do – like having children – may be out of the question, or even of she’s able, could be life-threatening.

    In short, although I think BM is a jerk, I understand his grief. If his daughter has inherited his diabetes, her life will never be the same…and I suspect (even though he shouldn’t) he probably carries some guilt.

    I’m all for snark – God knows I dish out my share…but a little girl’s debilitating disease is where I draw the line.

  10. 10
    juddfan
    Posted April 16, 2010 at 12:43 am

    Mona, I’m sorry that people don’t get your snark. I think you know how serious Diabetes is and you’re using super sharp sarcasm in the face of it. Understanding that allows me to always enjoy your brief and succicnt, “I don’t give a shit” caps. (oh no she diin’t) I find it esp refreshing with this show that I have had on during drudgery housework.

    Though, I confess I have a mild curiousity about Cyndi and Goldberg. He’s f’in hot! But, I sense danger, and still can’t look away.

    As for Brett, he’s quite annoying, I suppose it could be endearing if you knew him, but I wept like a child for that bitch. Lord, the pain of a parent giving a child thier disease, horrible in every way!!! His daughters fear of injecting herself was viseral to me!!!

    I’m a total sucker for a good weep, and speaking of Goldberg, I thought his reaction was odd. I hope he was trying to protect him from the cameras, but he should know that ain’t an issue with this guy.

    I thank the good doctor, Siedhr, for the education, I truly didn’t know it was that bad, and I certainly thought it was more treatable than that. Bad me. Thank you again for ridding me of my ignorance.

    Catty, I thank you too for your story, I have many nieces and nephews and I can and can’t imagine how devasting that would be.
    I always appreciate when my fellow snarkers get personal. Best of luck to your family, and I agree with you on your “the slide” comment.

    I have to admit, reading this, I had a feeling there would some . . . comments. I hope you guys can see Mona’s special touch, girl is dark! and I can appreciate it.

    I’m sure we all wish Brett the best of luck with his daughter. Sadly, I too am fearing for the worst.

  11. 11
    Snootchy Bootches
    Posted April 16, 2010 at 3:39 am

    With all due respect, I have to admit that I am not loving these recaps. They seem really angry to me. I have read your stuff before and it was funny. Please be funny with this show too. I hadn’t commented because I knew this was a new show for you and was HOPING you’d settle into the funny zone once you learned a bit more about the show. But this recap… over the line.

    Yeah, Bret cried several times. HIS FUCKING DAUGHTER MIGHT HAVE A FATAL DISEASE. Wouldn’t you be upset and possibly cry? He has lived with that disease his whole life and knows what it means for his daughter’s life. If you do not manage your diabetes, you die. Period. And even if you do manage it, it doesn’t always work completely. You can go blind. You can have your feet amputated. It sucks. And regardless of how they pronounce it in your area of the country, that sucks.

    So please, I’m begging you. Just be funny. Kthxbye.

  12. 12
    Snootchy Bootches
    Posted April 16, 2010 at 3:48 am

    I wish we could edit on here. Hopefully with the new system we will be able to do that. Anyway… I wanted to clarify something above. “Angry” isn’t really right. The recaps don’t feel angry. They feel like you are rushing through because you just want them to be over. Like you don’t give a shit about this show. You are funny on other show recaps. Maybe you just don’t like this show and that changes things? I hope you get to enjoying it like we do. :)

  13. 13
    here4beer
    Posted April 16, 2010 at 10:33 am

    What snootchy said.

    P.S. only POSs like Perez Hilton make fun of people’s kids. I have a feeling even he wouldn’t sink as low as making fun of someone’s sick kid, though. There’s a ton of stuff ripe for mockery in this show, and hopefully you’ll find something more appropriate next time.

  14. 14
    thatswhatshesaid
    Posted April 16, 2010 at 9:12 pm

    Well, I’m definitely in the minority here because I thought this recap was HILARIOUS!!! I enjoyed this recap so much more than the others. There seemed to be more jokes! The other recaps seemed to be way too short for a 2 hour show. Sorry you got so much flack Mona because I thought this was the best one so far! I guess I didn’t take it so seriously….

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