Celeb App gets vaguely sexy.
This week, the celeb apps get to make over some country stars. And we all know what a good C list country star needs: C list celebrities to make them over! Am I right? Oh yeah. So they get a girl and a guy and make them over, do a little promo concert, get a little makeover, a little of this and a little of that. Oh yeah, and the girls bitch about each other.
Hey fuckfaces and fuckfaces alike:
How’s everyone doing? Not getting diabetes, right? Geez, you people need to relax. I have diabetic friends. I have friends with diabetic friends. Wanna know what I don’t have? Whiny naysayers who want to bitch about me. SERIOUSLY- Diabetes isn’t bad. It is MANAGEABLE. It could be way fucking worse. This is what I do. And honestly, I feel for Bret’s family, the news of his aneurism and all. This is all in good fun- and some might think I crossed the line- but my heart goes out to Bret’s family, it does.
So Bret tells the fucking rest of the people that “with everything that’s been going on” (what: doing a reality show for charity? Waiting for test results), if he got fired he was thinking about jumping out a window. Eek.
don’t forget your eyeliner
Then he proceeds to get HAMMERED. But what do we expect?
Cyndi is still feeling slighted by Holly being “all about Holly.” And, you know, how like, “she don’t need a muh-thuh.” After how many years in show business, has nobody told Cyndi about her grating, grating Yorkie accent?
My muthuh and my fathuh and my bruthuh and sistahs looike it.
In the Mission Kitchen, Rite Guard and Curtis give a whopping 40 thou to Feeding America. Curtis hides his in his own cookbook (wink wink) in a recipe for potato and leek soup! And this Feeding America guy thinks it’s FABULOUS!
But what about the potato and leek soup I was promised?
And then they all commence feeding the homeless.
In the Rock and Roll hall of fame, the task is to reinvent two new country artists. Yow, I feel sorry for these country artists…being made over by this motley crue! Ohhh! Zing! See how I did that?But really. They better be getting a shit ton of money for this.
So Cyndi is project manager for the ladies, and Goldberg (???) stepped up for the dudes. Which…well, the first part makes sense. But you can’t just step up to step up, no? You won’t be able to CRUSH talent into country stars, Mr. Goldberg
The ladies already start bickering and the guys seem much more cohesive. They meet the “up and coming” country starts, who have the thickest, dumbest accents I have ever heard.
You talkin’ tuh heem or tuh may?
The girl up and coming country star actually does need a makeover- she looks like a botox hedgehog.
I once cawght a headgehawwg in the brush. Paw kilt it.
The girls are annoyed because Cyndi doesn’t want them to ask questions- and when the Capital Records Nashville comes in, Cyndi gets all Cyndi and just listens to this ridiculous country music he brings in.
Cyndi’s cleavage vs. Capitol Records- Nashville
After meeting the little whippersnappers, Cyndi wants the girl to makeover. And yes, it’s Cyndi, because nobody else has a very big say in Cyndi’s crazyville. But they don’t have her yet- they have to negotiate who they get with the guys.
They guys talk to all of Bret’s contacts and in the end…they don’t give a shit.
So, negotiations? Just a bunch of D listers trying to look tough until Cyndi says she wants the girl, and the dudes agree that the girls can have the girl.
So, that was quick. Then, more fighting between Maria and Cyndi. About- knowing everything? Maria brings up her playboy shit? I’m confused. She never gets to finish her darling playboy anecdote about what she would say when interviewers asked her if her vagina was shaved or not.
A lady never tells.
Another unapologetic apology or two later, the girls get their woodchuck.
And the dudes…well, Bret Michaels wants to make his dude into…Bret Michaels. Boy, what say you?
Curtis and the country boy are the same size (juhhhst abauts) and so they…change shirts?
and do other stuff.
Of course, then Bret gives country boy one of HIS shirts. And, Goldberg is ashamed to ask what color the boy’s eyes are. Yes, Goldberg, you’re getting pansy-fied right before our very eyes!
Country boy is NOT having a lot of this shit, like Bret’s signature douche-chain or like, a wifebeater. Yeah, very country chic.
this was a mistake. This was all a mistake.
Because apparently, all they have to work with is each others’ clothes?
Nevermind- all teams go shopping for shit, which will probably end up in a hilarious disaster. Maria stays back with the girl (hopefully more playboy anecdotes) and Bret starts writing country boy’s bio.
Can I use words like “poon” and “jagershots?”
Then- SHARON COMES BACK. Oh great, more contention.
And they turned hedgehog into a tranny!
A Tranny pageant queen
Then Sharon gets her own hair done, just, you know, between confessionals.
I was bored.
Then with the dudes, the legend of Curly’s ghost comes in to check up on shit.
BM satisfies Mr. Country Western wear with some good old diabetic talk. Oy, geez. Come on.
But Goldberg and Curtis are late with the gear for the shoot! Damn you, traffic!
If only I could punch my way outta this situation.
After Goldberg and Curtis get back, the photoshoots rage.
The boys go a cheesier, barefoot soul country boy route.
just hanging with some guitars.
The girls go more Target promo meets the color black.
Whee! I’m an independent woman.
Maria is FUMING. Like, visibly.
She’s going all APESHIT.
Apparently, she thinks she’s in the big leagues because she did playboy and did some modeling as a teen. Eh- I like maria, but come ON. This is Sharon Osbourne and Cyndi Lauper- one resurrected Ozzie from the dead and the other I’m surprised is alive and working.
Then, the dudes and ladies have their people interviews. Hope their subjects don’t fuck it up!
Country boy is uh, not nailing it…saying “you know” right now and having his own private burping contest with the interviewer.
great to (urp) be here.
The women’s press kit is a bit effed up, and Country boy feels all weird with his little fucking chain on.
Then the kiddies play. PLAY FOR US!
someone digs country boy.
Emily West goes next and belts that shit. But you know, it’s newer because she’s in a black dress.
And not a dry eye in the hizzy! I think it’s another win for the vaginas, if I do say so myself.
Oh shit, and then Cyndi tells Emily west not to worry- something nothing happens until you’re 30. Uh, ok. How about just like, nice job?
And then, the BOARDROOM. DUH DUH DUH.
Cyndi and Maria immediately go at it. In the weird way that only Cyndi and Maria can.
With lots of makeup and hair.
Apparently, also, Bret’s kid is fine. SO, enough with that.
Then the guys and girls get to see each others’ promo packet. For some reason, everyone’s fussing about Emily’s skin, but I couldn’t get a clear shot of it!
Sharon thinks that the guys have it in the bag…how embarassing, Cynd. You’re a PROFESSIONAL, right? Geez.
The industry thought Emily was polished and had a great interview- and the overall makeover was better in the ladies’ group. But the music insiders thought that…
THE LADIES WON!
What? with all that hounding the ladies won? Geez. Way to put my heart through the ringer. NOT!
After the girls win, everyone apologizes. oh, how nice!
Goldberg says he doesn’t regret volunteering for project manager, even though he was a big bowl of suck vitamin fortified with Bret Michaels.
Curtis thinks that Bret should be fired, too, because he took on the responsibility. But what about Goldberg? Then he gets a little grilling. So, let me see…oh yeah? whose time is it to go home?
Let’s check the Goldberg pie chart. 86%? 92% 20%? Who gives a shit? I dunno. It’s like the twilight zone of the percentage world.
SO, SEE YA, GOLDBERG.