Celebrity Apprentice: Gone Country

Celebrity Apprentice

By Monamonzano | Friday, April 23, 2010 | 8:14 pm | 13 Comments

Picture 1-1013

Celeb App gets vaguely sexy.



This week, the celeb apps get to make over some country stars. And we all know what a good C list country star needs: C list celebrities to make them over! Am I right? Oh yeah. So they get a girl and a guy and make them over, do a little promo concert, get a little makeover, a little of this and a little of that. Oh yeah, and the girls bitch about each other.

Hey fuckfaces and fuckfaces alike:

How’s everyone doing? Not getting diabetes, right? Geez, you people need to relax. I have diabetic friends. I have friends with diabetic friends. Wanna know what I don’t have? Whiny naysayers who want to bitch about me. SERIOUSLY- Diabetes isn’t bad. It is MANAGEABLE. It could be way fucking worse. This is what I do. And honestly, I feel for Bret’s family, the news of his aneurism and all. This is all in good fun- and some might think I crossed the line- but my heart goes out to Bret’s family, it does.

Moving on…

So Bret tells the fucking rest of the people that “with everything that’s been going on” (what: doing a reality show for charity? Waiting for test results), if he got fired he was thinking about jumping out a window. Eek.

Picture 1-1007

don’t forget your eyeliner



Then he proceeds to get HAMMERED. But what do we expect?

Cyndi is still feeling slighted by Holly being “all about Holly.” And, you know, how like, “she don’t need a muh-thuh.” After how many years in show business, has nobody told Cyndi about her grating, grating Yorkie accent?

Picture 1-1008

My muthuh and my fathuh and my bruthuh and sistahs looike it.



In the Mission Kitchen, Rite Guard and Curtis give a whopping 40 thou to Feeding America. Curtis hides his in his own cookbook (wink wink) in a recipe for potato and leek soup! And this Feeding America guy thinks it’s FABULOUS!

Picture 4-74

But what about the potato and leek soup I was promised?



And then they all commence feeding the homeless.

UNTIL…

In the Rock and Roll hall of fame, the task is to reinvent two new country artists. Yow, I feel sorry for these country artists…being made over by this motley crue! Ohhh! Zing! See how I did that?But really. They better be getting a shit ton of money for this.

So Cyndi is project manager for the ladies, and Goldberg (???) stepped up for the dudes. Which…well, the first part makes sense. But you can’t just step up to step up, no? You won’t be able to CRUSH talent into country stars, Mr. Goldberg

The ladies already start bickering and the guys seem much more cohesive. They meet the “up and coming” country starts, who have the thickest, dumbest accents I have ever heard.

Picture 2-464

You talkin’ tuh heem or tuh may?



The girl up and coming country star actually does need a makeover- she looks like a botox hedgehog.

Picture 1-1009

I once cawght a headgehawwg in the brush. Paw kilt it.

The girls are annoyed because Cyndi doesn’t want them to ask questions- and when the Capital Records Nashville comes in, Cyndi gets all Cyndi and just listens to this ridiculous country music he brings in.

Picture 1-1010

Cyndi’s cleavage vs. Capitol Records- Nashville



After meeting the little whippersnappers, Cyndi wants the girl to makeover. And yes, it’s Cyndi, because nobody else has a very big say in Cyndi’s crazyville. But they don’t have her yet- they have to negotiate who they get with the guys.

They guys talk to all of Bret’s contacts and in the end…they don’t give a shit.

So, negotiations? Just a bunch of D listers trying to look tough until Cyndi says she wants the girl, and the dudes agree that the girls can have the girl.

So, that was quick. Then, more fighting between Maria and Cyndi. About- knowing everything? Maria brings up her playboy shit? I’m confused. She never gets to finish her darling playboy anecdote about what she would say when interviewers asked her if her vagina was shaved or not.

Picture 2-465

A lady never tells.



Another unapologetic apology or two later, the girls get their woodchuck.

And the dudes…well, Bret Michaels wants to make his dude into…Bret Michaels. Boy, what say you?

Picture 1-1011

Oy.



Curtis and the country boy are the same size (juhhhst abauts) and so they…change shirts?

Picture 1-1012

and do other stuff.



Of course, then Bret gives country boy one of HIS shirts. And, Goldberg is ashamed to ask what color the boy’s eyes are. Yes, Goldberg, you’re getting pansy-fied right before our very eyes!

Country boy is NOT having a lot of this shit, like Bret’s signature douche-chain or like, a wifebeater. Yeah, very country chic.

Picture 2-466

this was a mistake. This was all a mistake.



Because apparently, all they have to work with is each others’ clothes?

Nevermind- all teams go shopping for shit, which will probably end up in a hilarious disaster. Maria stays back with the girl (hopefully more playboy anecdotes) and Bret starts writing country boy’s bio.

Picture 3-177

Can I use words like “poon” and “jagershots?”



Then- SHARON COMES BACK. Oh great, more contention.

And they turned hedgehog into a tranny!

Picture 3-178

A Tranny pageant queen



Then Sharon gets her own hair done, just, you know, between confessionals.

Picture 3-179

I was bored.



Then with the dudes, the legend of Curly’s ghost comes in to check up on shit.

Picture 4-75

so…not good?



BM satisfies Mr. Country Western wear with some good old diabetic talk. Oy, geez. Come on.

But Goldberg and Curtis are late with the gear for the shoot! Damn you, traffic!

Picture 2-467

If only I could punch my way outta this situation.



After Goldberg and Curtis get back, the photoshoots rage.

The boys go a cheesier, barefoot soul country boy route.

Picture 4-76

just hanging with some guitars.



The girls go more Target promo meets the color black.

Picture 5-28

Whee! I’m an independent woman.



Maria is FUMING. Like, visibly.

Picture 4-77

She’s going all APESHIT.



Apparently, she thinks she’s in the big leagues because she did playboy and did some modeling as a teen. Eh- I like maria, but come ON. This is Sharon Osbourne and Cyndi Lauper- one resurrected Ozzie from the dead and the other I’m surprised is alive and working.

Then, the dudes and ladies have their people interviews. Hope their subjects don’t fuck it up!

Picture 4-78

nailed it.



Country boy is uh, not nailing it…saying “you know” right now and having his own private burping contest with the interviewer.

Picture 4-79

great to (urp) be here.

The women’s press kit is a bit effed up, and Country boy feels all weird with his little fucking chain on.

Then the kiddies play. PLAY FOR US!

Picture 4-80

someone digs country boy.



Emily West goes next and belts that shit. But you know, it’s newer because she’s in a black dress.

Picture 4-81



And not a dry eye in the hizzy! I think it’s another win for the vaginas, if I do say so myself.

Oh shit, and then Cyndi tells Emily west not to worry- something nothing happens until you’re 30. Uh, ok. How about just like, nice job?

And then, the BOARDROOM. DUH DUH DUH.

Cyndi and Maria immediately go at it. In the weird way that only Cyndi and Maria can.

Picture 4-82

With lots of makeup and hair.

Apparently, also, Bret’s kid is fine. SO, enough with that.

Then the guys and girls get to see each others’ promo packet. For some reason, everyone’s fussing about Emily’s skin, but I couldn’t get a clear shot of it!

Sharon thinks that the guys have it in the bag…how embarassing, Cynd. You’re a PROFESSIONAL, right? Geez.

Picture 4-83

The losers?



The industry thought Emily was polished and had a great interview- and the overall makeover was better in the ladies’ group. But the music insiders thought that…

THE LADIES WON!

What? with all that hounding the ladies won? Geez. Way to put my heart through the ringer. NOT!

Picture 4-84

The Winners!



After the girls win, everyone apologizes. oh, how nice!

Goldberg says he doesn’t regret volunteering for project manager, even though he was a big bowl of suck vitamin fortified with Bret Michaels.

Curtis thinks that Bret should be fired, too, because he took on the responsibility. But what about Goldberg? Then he gets a little grilling. So, let me see…oh yeah? whose time is it to go home?

Let’s check the Goldberg pie chart. 86%? 92% 20%? Who gives a shit? I dunno. It’s like the twilight zone of the percentage world.

SO, SEE YA, GOLDBERG.

BOo-ya!

Rebecca Leib (aka Monamonzano) was born in Milwaukee, Wisconsin. With a MFA in writing and well versed in comedy, Rebecca started writing sketch and performing improv, theatre and stand-up in Los Angeles. She has produced many short videos for funny or die, UCBComedy and often performs at the Moth Storyslam in Los Angeles, and can be seen in print on TVgasm.com, Beautiful/Decay Magazine and Artillery Magazine. When she is not writing or performing, she likes drawing and quiet reading.

13 Comments

  1. 1
    leslilly
    Posted April 24, 2010 at 1:42 am

    Hey Fuckface! Speaking of the offending recap…where the hell did it go? It’s vanished.

    Glad to see some compassion in your heart for Bret. I hope the poor guy recovers – he really is a sweetheart.

  2. 2
    leslilly
    Posted April 24, 2010 at 1:47 am

    Haven’t finished reading your recap yet, but I had a few comments. Did anyone notice how Maria was gnawing on her thumbnails?? She was seriously freaking me out. Also, at certain angles, the woman country singer (forgot her name) looked like a younger version of Joan Rivers. Oh the male country singer…what a pussy! He was so picky about everything…and he effed up the interview big time. What an enema-hose.

  3. 3
    messystation
    Posted April 24, 2010 at 4:57 am

    I don’t know what comments were made, but good on you for not backing down. I remember thinking the same thing last week. While you don’t want your child to suffer, diahbeeetus is manageable. I mean, I am sure there are parents whose kids have leukemia who would love for their kids to have diahbeetus instead. That being said, I am a hypocrite. I have a colostomy and I get pretty outraged when people make colostomy bag jokes or refer to them as gross or act like only old men have them (my surgery was at 21). So, yeah, if I had diabeetus, I might have bitched too? Anyway, the point is, your are entitled to your unpopular thoughts and you shouldn’t have to apologize.

    I can’t believe you didn’t mention the dude’s song. “Rain makes corn, corn makes whiskey. Whiskey makes my baby get a little frisky.” That is some deep stuff right there. Anyway, don’t censor yourself, your recaps are great.

    PS I love Bret. I think his corny innuendo is hilarious and I hope he comes out of this okay.

  4. 4
    Snootchy Bootches
    Posted April 24, 2010 at 5:08 am

    Just a comment from one of the fuckfaces. A 2 hour (90 minutes? I watch the dl version) show gets 2 pages which are mostly pictures? You clearly don’t give a shit about us or the show. So why not either TRY to do a decent recap or give up on the show. This recap reads like you are just trying to get it over with. It feels rushed and angry. Reading it makes me feel rushed and angry. It has since the beginning of the show. I’ve read your other recaps and they were funny. I was hoping you would settle into this show, but that doesn’t seem to be happening. I hate to complain about a recapper, because I know you work for free and give a lot of time to the site. So please direct that much appreciated effort toward funny, k?

  5. 5
    Snootchy Bootches
    Posted April 24, 2010 at 5:12 am

    Those of you talking about diabetes should do more research. Yes it CAN be managable, but not for everyone. I know someone who doesn’t have feet from diabetes. They are also blind. I know people who died before they even knew that they had it. I have a relative that had diabetes and was able to manage it pretty well. Until he got into a car accident and the diabetes made what should have been a simple injury into something that altered the rest of his life.

    I prefer the way Twunty handles things. She recaps those crapholes Sober Living and Celeb Rehab. And if a situation comes up like this, she just moves on. It’s called class. ;-)

  6. 6
    cattyfan
    Posted April 24, 2010 at 6:51 am

    Diabetes may be “managable,” but there are plenty of complications, and (again) by defnition it shortens the life of the person who has it (regardless of how well it’s “managed.”)

    As for those who think it’s no big deal…Bret’s brain hemmorhage Thursday is very likely tied to his diabetes, and is most certainly complicated by it.

  7. 7
    siedhr
    Posted April 24, 2010 at 7:00 am

    Diabetes is manageable, true. So is HIV/AIDS. So are certain forms of cancer. So is asthma, Alzheimer’s and the whole host of chronic diseases.Doesn’t mean you should lack empathy for those who have them. You seem to think that if they don’t die, they should just suck it. Hell, so what if they’re blind and can move their arms and legs and get fed through a tube and shit themselves? At least they’re still breathing.

    Re Brett’s aneurysm. The problem with underlying conditions like these is that ALMOST ANY crappy flu or cold or wound or any other disease that a healthy person would have no trouble breezing through, sometimes without any treatment, can put them six feet under because the body can’t handle them anymore. I’m going to leave it alone though, because clearly you don’t get it, you don’t want to get it and anyone who doesn’t agree with you has no sense of humor and should just “relax”.

    I agree with Snootchy Bootches, your recap is very poor quality as far as content and tone. It’s almost twittered as far as style goes, and there are a lot of “shits” and “fucks” and variants thereof instead of actual words that mean something.

    I could never get myself to like VFTW, because all their articles are in the vein of :”Yo’ mama is ugly and so are you” and they clearly hate the show and everyone that disagrees with them. What I always liked about TVgasm is the good quality humor and most of all the fact that recappers clearly love the shows they’re mocking. When I read it, I feel like I’m in a coffee shop or pub with friends and we’re chugging beers or sipping lattes and ragging on everyone in good spirits. And when there’s something serious, it gets treated appropriately.

    Your recap’s attitude however is more in the VFTW vein, disdainful toward the show, the people in it and frankly some of your readers, myself included. To paraphrase Zachariah from Supernatural (a show TVgasm should totally recap): “Lucifer and their ilk may be strong, but I am petty”. This recap feels petty and sanctimonious.

    I don’t think you should apologize to the diabetics of the world, but I do think you should try and do a better job and take it better when somebody’s criticizing you. You may not get paid, but this whole site feels professional. I’ve come to expect this standard.

    Also, I’m not a whiny naysaying fuckface.

  8. 8
    Snootchy Bootches
    Posted April 24, 2010 at 9:13 am

    I didn’t find out about Bret’s illness until after I wrote the above, but I would like to say one thing about it. A week and a half or so ago, he got appendicitis and had to have an appendectomy. Not usually a big deal, right? You are in the hospital for a day or three and then home. But, see… Bret has DIABETES, so he had to go into a skilled nursing facility to help him because diabetics have trouble healing wounds. And then he had the brain hemmorhage and is now in critical but stable condition. The bleed is in his brain stem, btw. But no big deal… you know… because it isn’t like he has cancer or something, right?

  9. 9
    oodle_noodle
    Posted April 24, 2010 at 11:43 am

    Awww man, you missed one of the funniest parts! When Bret told that guy over and over again “DON’T SAY YOU’RE TIRED IN THE INTERVIEW,” and the guy then told his interviewer, at least twice, how tired he was. I almost died laughing.

  10. 10
    CrazyTrain
    Posted April 24, 2010 at 7:21 pm

    2 pages yet it is still a thousand times better than the new Glee recaps. This is at least funny and snarky, if not really short.

  11. 11
    fire@will
    Posted April 25, 2010 at 12:31 am

    eNuff said!

  12. 12
    thatswhatshesaid
    Posted April 25, 2010 at 1:55 pm

    That Emily chick totally looked cross-eyed before the makeover. Did you call her a chipmunk? BWAAHAHA! It’s amazing how different she looked after it. She did look a bit too heavily made up at first (tranny-ish as you said) so I’m glad Cyndi toned that down.
    I have totally been digging Bret’s personality on the show! He just comes across as so earnest and humble. So sweet! What’s not to like? It’s hard to imagine him being a whore on Rock of Love. I thought it was hilarious at the end when he was apologizing to Goldberg and saying he was sick at his stomach over his getting fired and then Trump got mad and told him to get out of there. Next thing you see is Bret hastily getting up and making a bee line out of the board room. Ha!
    I am truly saddened to hear about his medical condition! I hadn’t heard about the appendectomy so it seems like a whole lot at one time. I said a prayer for him. I really hope he pulls through. I will truly be sad (as will a ton of people, I’m sure) if he doesn’t make it. :(

  13. 13
    oliverandharry
    Posted April 25, 2010 at 4:19 pm

    You can dish it out but you can’t take it, huh? Last time I checked, this is still a free country and everyone is entitled to express themselves. You should be able to accept a little criticism now and then. It comes with the job of being a recapper.

Post a Comment

Your email is never published nor shared. Required fields are marked *

*
*

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>

Human Verification: In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.